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Light snowflakes fell aimlessly, some eventually resting upon her head and thick clothing. It didn’t deter her, of course. It was oddly comforting in some ways, the cold sensations of the winter given physical form keeping her focused on the task at hand.
Makoto entered the lit backstreets of Yongen under the night sky, the alleys being a place she has become intimately familiar with over the past year thanks in no small part to a certain young man close to her heart. That same man was also the reason for her being here as she neared the cafe of residence of the boy. Though she’s made the solitary trek on many occasions, the reason, in this case, wasn’t as light-hearted as the other times, unfortunately.
She frowned as she stepped ever closer to her destination.
She fidgeted uncomfortably as she spoke to Ren, her quiet leader sitting across from her on her bed. Implications of inviting her boyfriend to her room aside, the sting of apologizing for betraying him in his time of need made her hang her head in shame. But she needed to do this, especially after everything he’s done for her.
“...After all that… I’d promised myself that if you were ever in trouble, I would leap in to save you,” she muttered. She clenched her hands in shame. “But… I forgot that vow. I just threw it away so I could cling to Father and Sis. It’s awful. To know that all along I was so weak and self-centered…”
She was afraid to look up at him, afraid to see disgust and agreement, but Ren, ever understanding, smiled softly.
“We’re all like that,” he simply told her.
How very typical of him to try and take care of her even now. Though, maybe he had a point.
“Do you think so…?” she asked. But she shook her head immediately after. “No, maybe you’re right.”
His few words were able to spark self-realization, an acceptance of some aspects of her life that had tried to remain hidden even after all this time.
Maybe she was always lonely, she told him. Maybe, despite her love for her family, she knows she can’t always rely on them forever, she told him. He listened, and he leaned in slightly with a curious tilt in his head, a sign that he had a question less for his sake and more for her, to push her to take that final leap.
“That’s your decision?”
She nodded. It was time for her to stop doing as she was told, she said. Her problems were her own, and that means they were her own to fix.
“But my pain’s still a part of me,” she declared. Ren looked at her the way he did whenever she was deep in her convictions. It motivated her. “All the struggles, your support-it’s what’s helped me stand up for myself. I can’t lose that.”
He smiled at her still, urging her to continue, to reaffirm herself. She loved him for that, his silent approval of who she was.
“I want to be able to look at the most awful, disgraceful parts of myself, and still be able to say ‘So what?’”
Surprisingly, he flinched. His eyes went downward, but before she could ask what was wrong or what she could do to correct herself, he spoke.
“Are they that disgraceful?”
She paused, confused.
“Huh? I’m not sure… At the very least, I know I probably shouldn’t be proud of them.”
It was the truth, wasn’t it? Everyone has negative qualities.
“That’s why I wanted to apologize,” she continued. “I guess I’m not completely ready to stand on my own just yet. But… I’ll keep trying, and I won’t run away.”
That was the truth of the matter. By nearly accepting Maruki’s reality, she nearly ran away from what made her who she was up to now in the first place. She nearly ran away from her ideals, and in doing so, she nearly ran away from herself and him.
It was time for her to care for herself. She wasn’t going to run away from herself anymore, and she wasn’t going to leave him. Never again. And as Ren inched closer and put a hand on her knee and met her eyes with his kind ones, she knew that this will be the one goal she’ll never let go of.
Her heart swelled as relief and pride washed over her, and her entire essence seemed to shift and transform. The feeling was all too new and yet all too familiar at the same time, memories of being in the attic with Ren months ago when they solidified their relationship coming forth.
“Agnes,” her heart whispered to her.
When the sensation faded, she let out a small chuckle. “It’s strange. All it took to make my heart stronger was to put myself first?”
Inklings of that characteristic smirk that made her face heat up showed up on Ren’s face. “That sounds like you,” he whispered, pulling her on her wheeled chair and dragging her close. She accepted his embrace and melted into him, closing her eyes under the warmth.
“Sorry, but it looks like I’ll have to rely on you for a little longer.”
She felt Ren’s arms tighten around her.
“Take as long as you need,” she heard him say, unaware of the troubled fog that still lurked beneath his eyes.
The chime of the door’s bells sounded when Makoto entered Cafe LeBlanc. She took in a quick inhale of the coffee and curry scent, a smell that felt too much like home. She glanced around and noticed the absence of customers, a typical thing considering she’s arrived at the end of the store’s hours. What wasn’t absent, however, was the store owner wiping away at the countertop. The old barista tossed the washcloth towards the sink when he glanced up to her, the suave smile greeting her.
“Miss Niijima. The kid didn’t tell me you were stopping by. Do you want a cup before I head out?”
Despite how good she knows a cup could be, she politely shook her head. “It’s fine. And I’m sorry for intruding so late. I didn’t exactly let Ren know I was coming either.”
“Oh? Is everything alright?” The caretaker raised an eyebrow, obviously studying her face for a reason. Even though she tried to cover up anything incriminating, she knew Sojiro was smarter than he let on. She sighed, a tired, half-smile indicating her concession.
“He’s fine… we’re fine,” she said. “But… you know how he is when something’s bothering him.”
“Ah.” Sojiro hummed in understanding. “The kid does keep his cards close to his chest, for better or worse. I guess my suspicions of him being a bit off lately weren’t just me then?”
“I’m afraid not,” she answered.
Everyone knew Ren was very stoic. It was part of his job as a leader and pillar of support he once told her. As they’ve grown closer, though, she’s learned that he was reluctant to share his burdens. He covered it with quips and wit, but she can tell when something’s on his mind. Her heart ached to know that he didn’t see the same support available to him.
It was her job to remind Ren that caring goes both ways.
Sojiro gathered his keys and went for the exit, stopping as he passed her. “Well, he’s upstairs. I know if anyone can break through his stubborn head, it’s you. Take care of him, you hear?”
Her chest filled with warmth and pride knowing that her boyfriend’s guardian trusted her in such a way.
“I will.”
The bells rang again at Boss’ exit, and Makoto let out a large breath. It was time.
Maruki’s motives were arguably just. Fair. Clear. He was different from the scum they’ve cleaned before. But he took away their agency and trapped them in a supposed eden. No matter the intention, a perfect society without conflict is flawed, doomed to stagnate. His desires took away their growth. Her growth. No matter how painful it is to abandon comfort, his desires will be stolen. They were all sure of it.
She wondered, then, why he looked uncertain.
The Phantom Thieves worked their way through Maruki’s palace, this Laboratory of Sorrow. With Violet in their ranks and everyone free from the false reality thanks to Joker, they were ready to rebel against paradise.
The memories of their counselor were unearthed, the tragedy of his life, and Sumire’s finally unfolding before them. It impacted them all, including their leader.
He guided them through the mindscape as he always did; confident, cocky, but always sure. But because of how long they had been in this together, she noticed the minute deviations in his actions.
The corners of his smirk didn’t rise as high as they usually did. Mentions of Maruki and his reality outside of their Phantom Thievery made him pause. The flair and the bravado of the unflappable Joker were just subdued ever so slightly, and the fog in his eyes that he tried to smother away from being detected didn’t go unnoticed. He hid it well, the others seemingly oblivious, but she’d made it a point to observe him closely for reasons like this.
Surprisingly, someone else had their eyes open too.
They all arrived at the entrance of the palace, many of them waiting and raring to go. According to their navigators, they were one last push towards locating the treasure’s location. She went to approach Ren before a voice stopped her.
“Joker,” Crow called out to their leader uncaring of the attention his sudden outburst garnered. All eyes were on him as the former Detective Prince ignored them as he made straight for his subject. “I’d like to speak to you, alone, if you don’t mind.”
Queen’s instincts flared as she looked to Joker, nonverbally communicating if this was a problem. She was met with his hand raised telling her (and everyone else) to stand down. He directed his attention back to Crow and nodded. The detective walked off, gesturing with his head urging Joker to follow.
She wanted to accompany him, but Joker shrugged her off. “Just watch over the others for a bit, okay? I’ll be fine.”
She watched him leave, but not before giving her a wink and a small smile.
Queen sighed, but she let them be.
She followed orders and stood watch over the other Thieves. She observed them all speaking with Violet, trying still to get to know their teammate better.
After several minutes of listening to Skull lecture to his “underclassman” on the most important aspects of Phantom Thievery, something Queen was sure the talented gymnast already knew, her patience thinned.
“What’s taking them so long…”
She could trust Joker, but leaving him with the man who tried to end him so gleefully only months ago was something she couldn’t stomach much longer, alliances be damned.
“I’m going to check up on Joker and Crow,” she said to the rest.
Panther sighed. “Geez, finally. I didn’t want to say anything, but my god, they’re taking their sweet time.”
“Yeah. You think he’s trying to kill him again?” Skull suggested.
“Eh, I doubt it.” Oracle clicked away at her electronics. “They haven’t done anything except stand where they are.”
“And if he was, we’d know!” Noir delightfully said so, chillingly clutching her axe.
Violet blinked. “Um… wait. ‘Again?’”
Queen shook her head and left.
Upon approaching the area where they hid, she slowed to a stop at the sound of low aggressive voices. She hid just out of sight behind a corner and listened in.
“-me that you’re actually considering this bullshit?” Crow’s voice said.
There was a large sigh.
“That is not what I’m thinking of at all, Crow.”
“Don’t give me some trite excuse. I know you're better than this. Why are you hesitating?”
“I am not hesitating, you dolt.”
“Then what are you doing?”
There was a bout of silence. Queen held her breath, waiting for Joker to respond, but there was none. There was another disappointed sigh, this time from Crow.
“We’ve already come this far… don’t say that you’re reneging on our deal now?”
“I am not. This issue… is different.” She heard hints of sorrow in his speech. “Just let me work through it. It won’t get in the way of our mission.”
There was another pause that was broken by the sound of footsteps.
“I hope so,” Crow muttered.
The steps bounded her way. She retreated once she realized Crow was rounding the corner she hid behind, but she failed when the dark-armored boy appeared and stopped before her. She locked eyes with him, trying to make sure her surprise didn’t appear as a weakness.
He didn’t seem upset that he caught her eavesdropping, but he did look annoyed.
“I see that you’ve noticed too?” he asked her deeply, knowingness dripping from his voice.
She glared back at him wordlessly. He clicked his teeth. Pushing past her, he left, but not without giving her a parting message.
“Get through to that idiot. Make sure he’s in the right headspace.”
He left her unsure of whether to be upset at him for ordering her absolutely or to be upset at him assuming that she hadn’t already decided to do so long before he asked.
She went to find Joker staring at the ground lost in thought. He looked up to her at the sound of her appearance and his troubled features faded.
“Hey, you. What’s up?”
“Just… checking up on you two,” she said. “You were talking for quite a bit.”
There was that moment of indecisiveness again before it was replaced with his normal, cocky expression.
“You know Akechi. Always likes hearing the sound of his voice and whatnot.” He wrapped an arm around her and placed his cheek against her head, an intimate gesture since they were alone. It was comforting, but she couldn’t let it distract her.
“Are you doing okay, Joker?”
She felt Joker freeze up slightly. He let her go and looked away.
“I’m fine. Lots on my mind, but nothing too crazy.”
He sounded… tired.
“Are you sure?” she asked one more time hoping he’d open up like she wished he would.
“...I’m positive,” he whispered. He shook his head before finding his voice. “One last push is all we need before getting closer to the end of this. Let’s-”
“Ren.”
Queen wasn’t going to let him get away so easily. She’d be insulting him by doing so. Perhaps he knew that she was serious as he slowly looked from her concerned stare back towards his feet.
“Later… okay? We’re almost done. Please,” he pleaded with her.
She frowned at his genuine begging to let his feelings be put on hold. He didn’t deserve to feel like that. But she knew that forcing this out of him would be worse than letting it come naturally.
“Later,” she agreed. “Promise?”
He beamed at her and nodded.
“Of course.” He took her hand and began walking back towards the rest of the team.
She let him guide her, his worry dissipating while hers grows.
Makoto stepped up the staircase to the attic, the floorboards creaking with every other step. Despite this, Ren remained flat on his bed staring up at the ceiling. With how still the atmosphere was in his room, he must have been like this for a while.
“Ren?”
He perked up at the sound of her voice. He sat himself up and turned to her, his scrunched brow and sullen look morphing into a look of relief and adoration that managed to make her cheeks heat up every single time. Ren left his bed and hugged her, took her jacket and placed it away along with her bag, and lovingly directed her towards his couch, all the things he would do to make her feel special.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” he said teasingly as he sat beside her, the two holding each other close the way they’ve grown accustomed to. “I could’ve spruced things up a bit, you know.” He leaned in deviously into her ear. “Stuff like… dimmed lights and candles. Set the mood. That sort of thing.”
She blushed and nudged him in the ribs. He laughed anyway.
Makoto looked around and noticed a distinct lack of feline presence. “Where’s Mona?”
“He’s with Futaba. Lucky timing because I think she intends on keeping him for the night.”
That’s good. It’ll make her job easier.
“Why are you here anyway?” he questioned. “Not that I would ever complain, but you usually let me know before you visit.”
They were lying down on his couch now with her lying atop his chest. She looked up at him with slight disappointment.
“Did you already forget earlier today?”
“Earlier today…?” He appeared confused, his eyes questioning hers for answers. She narrowed her eyes on him, and the realization set in. “Oh… that.” Ren suddenly moved to sit up, and the two were silent as they sat. He sighed heavily. “You know, when I said later, I didn’t know it’d be so soon.”
“Were you hoping I’d forget?” she asked. His lack of response and his shying away was good enough of an answer. “Ren…”
They were quiet as Makoto watched her lover clasp his hands and lean on them. The signs of heavy stress seemed evident now that he had no reason to hide them anymore.
“This isn’t as big as it seems, Makoto,” he tried to reason.
“That doesn’t matter. You’re hurting. Something’s on your mind. That’s big for me.”
He was silent, though obviously conflicted. She leaned against him.“Do you remember what I said? Right here when we made this official?” He nodded slowly, and she continued. “You can rely on me for anything you need. We’re equals…” She carefully placed her palm against his face and turned him towards her, his glassy eyes settling on her. “Right?”
She kept them together like this, looking deeply at each other. Words were strong, but she put all her emotions and feelings into her gaze because she knew actions carried just as much power.
“You’re with me,” she communicated visually. “You will be okay when you’re with me.”
Ren nodded. His hand glided up her arm to the palm she had resting on his face, taking hers into his own. He looked back at his bed and to her, and she understood. He let her take her there where he collapsed on to his back. She followed suit, taking his blanket and covering them as she fit snugly into his side. He exhaled deeply and clutched her closer to his chest.
“Talk to me, Ren.”
She idly traced mindless patterns on him with her finger in hopes of soothing any negative emotions. It took moments for him to speak, but she would be patient for him.
“Do you… remember?” he eventually started. “When you were under Maruki’s influence… do you remember those days?”
Makoto frowned at the memory of the time, but she nodded. “I do.”
“Ah…” His gaze was on the ceiling. “Your… father. When you were with him… was it good?”
She remembers those days of the New Year. Her, her father, and her sister laughing comfortably at the dinner table eating the food she had prepared. She remembers explaining her day excitedly to her father, or how she had been so happy when he came home and told her about the superintendent general award he would be receiving and how she hugged him so hard, thankful that his efforts were finally being recognized.
“It… was,” she reluctantly answered. “But… those moments were born from the wishes of my weaker self. I told you that I’m moving past that, that my faults are my own to fix.”
“Are those really faults?” he challenged suddenly. “Being happy… is it so bad to feel that way?”
She leaned up to look at him as he tried to avoid her gaze. “Ren… do you… do you want Maruki’s reality?”
“No!” he interjected, shaking when he spoke. Makoto held a hand to his chest to steady him. “I don’t… that’s not what I want. But being happy isn’t a sin. I don’t want you all to feel that way.”
There was more baggage here than she had initially thought, and she cursed herself for not tackling this sooner. But what was the crux of the issue? What was eating away at him?
“Do you feel… guilty for breaking us free?” She felt his shoulders tense and his teeth grit. “Ren… you shouldn’t-”
“I spent almost a week tracking everyone down,” he interrupted. “I found each and every one of you living your lives happy. Then I went one by one and broke that and watched the happiness fade from each and every one of your faces.”
“That’s not-”
“But I didn’t do it for your sake.” The statement made her stop in her tracks. “I did it… because I needed everyone. I did it for myself.” Makoto took in a still breath at the revelation of what made Ren hurt. He spoke. “I went to all of you, you know. Every single time, I was shocked at how happy you all were. I’ve… I’ve never seen you so happy before, Makoto. Seeing you all so happy made me happy too. But I knew the truth, and I didn’t want it. And I needed you all to help me fight it. So I took it all away. Was that fair?”
Fair? He had saved them from ignorant bliss. The answer to her was simple.
But then she remembered the type of person that Ren was. He was a helper, a giver, and he was at his happiest when he was helping other people. To do the opposite… she could see why it hurt him.
“...I know it must have been hard. To you, you took away our happiness. But we knew that joy wasn’t true to who we were.” Makoto squeezed one of Ren’s hands. “You didn’t hurt us, Ren. Please, don’t feel like you did.”
“But was that joy really so bad? You all took me aside to apologize. To apologize for wanting to live their dreams, for wanting their best friend, for wanting their mother, or for wanting their fathers. Is it so bad to want to be happy?”
“Are they that disgraceful?” She remembers his question now, and she finally understands what he meant.
He had gone to them and shattered the veil of Maruki’s reality. They all came to grips with the pain of their losses all over again, and he must have seen that. He feels responsible for their pain, and he feels selfish for doing so. That’s where this all stems from…
“I think… you should ask yourself the same question.” He snapped his head to her, his face distressed. “‘Is it so bad to want to be happy,’ Ren?”
He was motionless as he churned the question in his mind.
“I… don’t think so.”
“Then you’d be right.”
“But you all-”
She shushed him. He was sitting up now. She gently eased him back down. He closed his eyes when he was flush against the bed and her hand massaged his scalp.
“I think you missed the point of our apologies, Ren.” He opened his eyes, confused and scared, and she was reminded that he was still a young boy with too big of a responsibility to carry. “You did break us free of Maruki’s illusion. We were sad having to remember what true reality was. But we didn’t apologize because we were happy. We apologized because we had forgotten how far we came, how hard we fought, and how we had gotten this far. We apologized because we forgot what made us grow as people, and in doing that, we forgot about you.”
The past year had them all coming to terms with their situations and fighting back at those situations. They rebelled and they grew. And when they stumbled and struggled to keep growing further, Ren was there every step of the way to help them stand tall.
There was a sniffle. His eyes were watery, but he didn’t cry. It was a heartbreaking sight, something she never wanted him to feel.
“But I didn’t do it for you…” he repeated. “I did it for myself.”
“And is that so bad? To want your friends back to who they really were? Is it so bad to want to be happy?” He grimaced, but he let the words bounce around in his head. She caressed his scalp as she let him deflate, let the truth of the matter settle into him. “We’re your friends. We’re here for you. Don’t feel bad for wanting to lean on us.”
He wasn’t at fault. He just cared too much.
Minutes passed as his breathing became steadier and his trembling stopped. She held him tightly and let the boy rest for however long he needed. With how long he was still, she began to think he went to sleep, but a little smile made its way across his face.
“So… it’s okay to lean on your friends for help, huh? Who knew?”
She laughed softly, glad to hear he was happy enough to joke around again.
“That sounds like you,” she whispered to him.
They stayed there under the sheets and fastened themselves to each other in a loving embrace.
“Thank you… for this,” he quietly told her. She snuggled deeper into him and smiled.
“Of course. We’re in this together.”
The remnants of the high-running emotions were disappearing and Ren’s body began to relax in a way it hadn’t for the past few weeks.
“You know, I must be doing something wrong,” Makoto mused.
“Hm?” Ren raised a brow in concern. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you said you’ve never seen me so happy before than those first few days under Maruki, but I know that can’t be true.”
“What do you mean?”
She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, anxious, but she spoke anyway.
“It’s just… I’ve never been so happy unless I’m with you.”
She felt embarrassed saying such a thing, especially when Ren remained silent. But when she looked up to him, she found a rare blush on his face.
“Oh,” he said. Still, in typical fashion, he managed to turn it around. “Yeah. Maybe you are doing something wrong.”
She rolled her eyes but smiled all the same. She leaned in close and took his lips with her own, and he reciprocated deeply.
“Can I stay the night? With you?”
He nodded and reached to shut off the lights.
“Please.”
And under their peaceful darkness, close together and fully at ease, Makoto hoped that Ren knew how much he meant to her, how perfect she truly felt.
If a world threw away everything they had been through together, then she would reject that world without any doubts. And if what made her happy wasn't exactly what was happening now, then she knew that it wasn't happiness worth taking.