Work Text:
Jeremy: Yeah, I watch hentai.
[ Jeremy pulls up a PowerPoint with the letter H, the other letters on their own slides]
Jeremy, reading as typed: wHolesome Entertainment that Never involves Tentacles or Anime tiddies, I'm lying
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SQUIP, somehow visible bc of fanfic powers: Remember kids, if you don't like who you are, you're always one traumatic experience away from being a totally different person!
[SQUIP appears and cocks a gun]
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Michael: Why was I born with all of the dummy aND NONE OF THE THICC
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Christine: UGH! Pick a gender!
[Rich shruggs]
Rich: Okay.
Christine: Okay, memorize it, now put it back in the deck.
[Rich slides a card back into the deck, Christine shuffles]
Christine: Was THIS your gender?
Rich: gasps OOH
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Jake: I thought you were dead
Rich: I thought I was straight
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Jeremy: Everyone, I have a confession to make.
[Everyone leans closer]
Jeremy: This isn't easy for me to say, and to anyone that has been affected by this I am so sorry, but I need to get this off my chest.
[Jenna seems to be more interested than the others.]
Jeremy: It was me. I was the one who put the chemicals in the water that turned the friggin' frogs gay
[Jeremy immediately cracks, dissolving into laughter and everyone else is also heard losing it. Brooke whoop s]
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Brooke: Do you think I go out in public looking like this so men will talk to me? Absolutely fucking not. I go outside looking like this so the cottagecore lesbians at trader joe's will tell me I'm doing a good job and will give me a kiss on the forehead
Brooke: *cries in gay*
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Jenna: I live in a hell of my own devices and that hell is obscure femslash
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Chloe: What about the lesbian flag?
[Chloe points to a trans flag in the background]
Jeremy: Do you mean that?
[Jeremy also gestures to the trans flag]
Jeremy: Cause I don't know how to tell you...
[Mama by My Chemical Romance plays as Jeremy stands in the background looking straight into the camera]
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[Jake opens the door to his freezer]
Jake: Frozen 2 bananas? More like two frozen bananas
[Jake picks one up and hits it on the counter, watching as most of the banana flies off the counter]
Jake: *does the weird wind sound or whatever that Elsa hears*
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[Brooke sucks in air next to a grey object]
Brooke: Vape? No, it's a piano
[the view changes and Brooke is now sitting at a piano]
Brooke: I can't even play this thing
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[Jenna is showing a bathroom with a rainbow made of handprints]
[Jenna zooms in, showing something written between two red handprints]
Jenna: long live the lesbians
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Rich: I don't have a boyfriend
Rich: I have an arch-nemesis
[rich zooms in on his face]
Rich: It just so happens that we're romantically involved
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[loud shushing sound is heard]
Christine: I'm giving the grapes hats
[the camera shows a raspberry being put on a grape]
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Jeremy: Are you a top or a bottom?
Jeremy: Well actually I'm a burden
[Christine appears in the background]
Christine: No!
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Brooke: I really like your name
Jeremy: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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Jake: I want whatever doofenschmirtz and perry the platypus had in that kpop stan twitter au
[Jeremy is seen looking off into the distance]
Jeremy: I want to go to my grave not knowing what that's about
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Jake: Welcome to the tutorial of how to not drown.
Jake: It's very simple if you just scream underwater, the water will be afraid of you and won't kill you
[The camera shows Jake screaming underwater]
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Rich: Am I attracted to dirty rat men, skater enbies, and literally every woman in existence?
Rich: Hi, I'm a bisexu-
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Michael: Posting one Snapchat story for one specific person to see is the modern-day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that Daisy attends
[Rich is seen nodding]
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[Christine pops up in front of a mirror]
Christine: That's all folks!
[assorted giggling is heard before the video stops]