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Levi watches Erwin take a breath and grab the handle of his front door. A very unsteady breath.
Levi was, admittedly, guilty for at least half of Erwin’s labored breathing. But Erwin had been seemingly more flustered by the sight of a police officer at his door in the early morning than he’d been when Levi had pressed a knife to his throat, unbidden, a little over an hour ago.
Not that Levi was surprised. At least not now. Not after seeing how Erwin’s pupils dilated beautifully in the sea blue of his eyes when Levi wielded the weapon again, without nearly as many reservations and one hundred percent more consent. Their tea and coffee hadn’t even gone cold before Erwin had decided that then, apparently, was the time to find out exactly what “weird shit” he enjoyed. And who was Levi to deny him?
They’d not gotten very far before the doorbell rang.
Now, at his front door, Erwin looks at Levi for a beat, and Levi sends him a quick, curt nod from across the dark dining room, and Erwin opens the door.
“Good morning, sir.” Levi can barely hear the voice of the officer carrying into the house. “I’m Officer Kirstein. Sorry to bother you. We were just, uh…” The officer pauses as Erwin steps out from behind the door. Levi steals a quick glance through the blinds to see what they’re dealing with. From what Levi can see by the front porch light and the faint glow of the early morning, the officer is young, fresh-faced, though a bit weary, and strangely nervous.
True, Erwin is a large man. An intimidating one—not to Levi—but maybe to the young man just outside. Erwin is also clad in nothing but his boxers, and, strangely, the shock of the visitor at the door had done little to… dull his excitement, so to speak.
“We were just doing a wellness check,” the officer continues. “Got a call about some suspicious activity. A trespasser, perhaps? Didn’t happen to see anything, did you?”
“Can’t say I’ve seen anything, officer.”
Well, Erwin wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t quite seen Levi sneaking up the side of his house, had he?
“Nothing suspicious?” the officer questions again.
“Nope,” Erwin replies, running a hand through his hair. “Nothing suspicious here!”
Levi winces. Erwin is the very definition of suspicious.
The officer laughs, a little too casually for Levi’s liking. He can almost picture the young man peeking into the house over Erwin’s shoulder.
“You’re not in any immediate danger, are you, sir?” His voice is a touch more serious now and carries into the house easily. When Erwin shakes his head, the officer continues anyway. “You don’t mind if I come in and have a look, then, do you?”
“Uh…” Erwin hesitates, flashes a quick—but much too slow and much too suspicious—glance over at Levi. And just as Levi whisper-shouts a quick “no,” Erwin answers the officer with a resounding, “Sure thing!”
Levi could kill him.
Like, actually kill him this time.
For free.
Because what could be more suspicious than a man hiding in the shadows and a fucking machete next to a bed in a room with an open window that may or may not have a grappling hook attached to it, the latter of which Erwin would be surprised to know.
Just as Levi can thank his, frankly, questionable teenaged hobbies for the ease of tonight’s earlier breaking and entering, he can also thank them for his ability to think on his feet.
So he strips quickly, right there in Erwin’s dining room, naked as the day he was born.
When the officer steps inside the house, Levi calls casually to Erwin, “Who was at the door, love?” and flips on the light.
The men’s reactions are immediate, both exclaiming some combination of blaspheming and cursing that even Levi is impressed with. The officer averts his eyes so quickly Levi isn’t sure how he even figured out what he was looking at. Erwin is less quick to look away, but still does so with a brilliant flush to his cheeks.
“I’m sorry, officer,” Levi says, his absolute sincerity helping to sell his charade. “I had no idea,” he continues as he moves to hide himself behind a chair.
Erwin snaps his fingers, and the officer’s attention gladly turns to him. “My husband… just got back... from a work trip. A few days early,” Erwin begins, his voice getting increasingly more convincing as he rambles on. “He snuck in the house this morning to surprise me.”
Levi deflates with relief at Erwin’s story. He’s doing it. He’s actually selling it.
“With a broom,” Erwin finishes, with a terribly iffy inflection on the last word.
“With a… broom,” the officer repeats.
“I like to clean.”
“He likes to clean,” Levi parrots. The officer still refuses to look in his direction.
There is silence for a fleeting moment before the radio on the officer’s hip mumbles with staticky voices and he moves to turn it off.
“I’ll, uh, leave you to it, then,” he says, and clears his throat. “Enjoy the rest of your day. Gentlemen.”
Levi slams the door in Erwin’s face before the poor young man is back to his patrol car.
“‘Enjoy the rest of your day?’” Levi mocks. “Cheeky fucker.”
Erwin says nothing. Just stands there, not even daring to glance at Levi as he slips back into his pants.
“I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life,” Erwin says flatly.
“You’re embarrassed?” Levi barks. “At least you had clothes on.”
“You didn’t have to be naked.”
“You didn’t have to bring up the broom!” Levi counters.
“I guess I could have left out the part about the broom.”
“Jesus Christ,” Levi mumbles, swiping a hand over his face. He is tired and stressed and confused. So incredibly confused. “Could today get any worse?”
A ring echoes through the quiet of the house from the kitchen, where Levi had left his phone next to his abandoned mug of tea.
“Fucking Hange,” he spits once he sees the caller ID.
“Let them sweat it out,” Erwin says with a handsome smirk and all of the confidence Levi wishes the man had mustered up about five minutes ago.
And Levi has to laugh. Oh, he likes this guy.