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”Why aren’t you catching any pokemon?”
Ash turns his head and looks at Goh from where he’s lying on his stomach on the grass, currently in the process of creeping towards sleeping Riolu, and cocks his eyebrow.
“I just got Riolu yesterday, though”, he uselessly points out, looking back at the vibrantly blue pokemon. Riolu twitches in its sleep, and Ash grins at it, before glancing back at Goh curiously. “What’d you mean?”
“I mean”, stresses Goh, leaning heavily against a cherry tree in Professor Cerise’s garden, and looks at Ash with a raised brow, “when we go out to catch pokemon, you never actually get any! We’ve seen lots of cool and strong and rare pokemon, and I know you could catch them even if I can’t, but you never even try! You’ve only caught three so far, and those catches weren’t really…”
He trails off, waving his hand around vaguely, like he’s waiting for the right words to appear so he could grab them from the air and hurl them at Ash’s direction.
He doesn’t need to say anything, though. The way Ash’s mouth thins into a line tells Goh Ash knows exactly what he means.
Those hadn’t really been proper catches, not the way the general world sees it – the pokemon had essentially walked into their poke balls with no effort from Ash’s side.
Ash abandons his plan to approach Riolu and he pushes himself up to sit cross-legged on the grass, shoulder hunched and tense.
“Well, I’m not trying to catch every pokemon”, he says with a slight frown. “I already have loads of pokemon, and anyway, I’m mostly gonna catch pokemon that…” His voice drops, face settling into a look of uncertainty.
“That you already like? That like you, first?” hazards Goh, thinking about Dragonite, and Gengar, and Riolu.
Ash looks at him blankly for a second, before shaking his head slowly.
“…That I feel some sorta connection with, I guess.”
Of course.
Go huffs, “You know, I really don’t get you sometimes. What connection?”
“Eh, y’know that”, says Ash, his face lighting up with a thoughtful smile, his eyes drifting to the side to look at his pokemon playing on the other edge of the garden. “That thing where you just know you belong together with someone!”
But Goh doesn’t know, and isn’t that exactly the problem here?
“You mean something like what you had with Riolu?” he asks haltingly. “Like sensing the egg and stuff?”
Ash’s gaze snaps back at him and then at Riolu. He stares at the sleeping baby pokemon, his eyes going vacant for a second before he jumps a bit, startled by something invisible, and turns back to Goh.
“Ah, no…” he mutters. “Riolu is… different.”
He doesn’t elaborate, and despite how curious that statement makes him, Goh suddenly gets the weirdest feeling that he shouldn’t press.
Not this, not now.
He swallows down his questions and asks, instead, “Okay, then what?”
Now it’s Ash’s turn to wave his hand around desperately, trying to find the right words. He gives up after a moment and flops back down on the grass, his fingers idly grasping the blades of grass by his sides and his eyes trained somewhere far away. He sighs, and Goh watches as some of the tension drains out of him, his body relaxing bit by bit.
“Man, I dunno how to explain it any better”, he eventually replies with a pout, but smiles then, eyes shining in the sunlight. “You have it with Raboot, though! I mean… You would do anything for it, and it would do anything for you. And back then in Galar, you knew, right?” He stares intently at Goh, the look in his eye simultaneously assertive and oddly fragile. When Goh doesn’t reply, he continues: “You ignored it at first, cause you were so focused on Mew, but you knew Scorbunny would become your partner from the moment you met. That’s the connection I meant! When you both know, deep down and all over, that you got no other option but to be there for each other!”
He sits up suddenly, grinning, alive in a way he hadn’t been earlier, the oddly pensive mood he had been in apparently lifted.
It takes a beat of silence and then he chuckles, rubbing a nervous hand against the back of his head.
“…Right?”
Goh realizes still hasn’t said anything, totally blindsided by Ash’s words, and he jerks his head for a nod.
“Right”, he chokes out.
Ash is… correct, as much as the concept confuses Goh. Scorbunny is something special to him, and has been from the start. Compared to the dozens of other pokemon he has…
Wait.
“Hold on”, he splutters, eyes widening. “You mean you have that- than connection… with all of you pokemon?”
Ash nods, and grins. “Yep, for sure!”
“How many pokemon have you owned, anyway?” demands Goh, since he actually has no idea.
Ash starts to count with his fingers but quickly gives up, mouthing something so quietly Goh can’t make it out. Listing his pokemon, Goh realizes. Ash stares into space for a moment longer before shrugging, glancing at Goh thoughtfully.
“A bit under a hundred, I think.”
Goh blinks. Ash goes on: “I’ve released some of them, though. And not all of them are staying in the same place with the rest of them. And thirty of them are tauros.”
“Thirty of them are…” mutters Goh, before yelping: “No way! I’m not buying that, you don’t have it with all of those tauros, right? And how come you’ve released some of them if they were that important for you?”
Ash flinches minutely. His fingers curl into fists and he takes in a sharp breath, heels of his shoes digging into the soft ground.
“Oh, Butterfree and the others needed to go – um, they had more important stuff to take care of. They’d never have been as happy living with me.”
Ash is smiling, but there’s a longing edge in his voice, and his eye are downcast, wistful. It twists something deep in Goh’s chest, and he glances around, seeing all of his pokemon milling around, and he wishes… he’s not sure. That he can feel like that about someone, eventually. That he can know, really know, what truly is best for them – and be strong enough to give that to them, even if it hurts.
“Do you think…” he begins, deciding to say what's on his mind before he can back out, and contain it within himself for the rest of forever. Ash looks at him curiously, and Goh grimaces, says, “Am I a bad person for catching pokemon the way I do? You know… Like it’s nothing more than a challenge?”
It’s been his ambition as long as he can remember – filling the pokedex, catching them all – but for the first time in his life he’s starting to wonder if it’s not as good a goal as he’d thought.
“Huh?” says Ash, his smile slipping, his head tilting in confusion. “But you’re working for your dream, right? And it’s not like you’re collecting them and then abandoning them, like some people do. Your pokemon are all really happy – they have lots of friends here and a great place to live!”
He sounds genuine, and Goh would trust Ash in matters like this – more than anyone else – but he’s not so easily swayed from his doubts.
“I mean, yeah, but still…” he murmurs. “I don’t wanna treat them like they’re just tools, or some sort of achievements. But I dunno… am I too late? Maybe I should’ve been more careful when catching them – maybe they didn’t wanna come with me at all…!”
Ash grabs his crossed ankles, leans backwards, and looks up to the glass ceiling. “Man, no way Goh, you’re not late”, he says kindly. “But if you wanna get to know them all, it’s better to start pretty soon.” He pauses for a moment and smiles at Goh. “I used to be kinda like you in the beginning. I caught a lot of pokemon in a really short time, and didn’t get to know many of them until way later. Like my tauros! But I know them now, and they know me, and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Sure, I do it differently now, but in the end I think that’s what matters.”
Goh nods, a heavy lump in his throat, and sighs, “Thanks, Ash.” Oddish skitters past him, chased by Rattata, and Goh reaches out and grabs it gently, bringing it onto his lap. Oddish croons, its eyes twinkling with joy.
“Hey there”, Goh says softly. “Are you happy here?”
“Dish!” Oddish nods, its tiny mouth stretching into a grin. Rattata stops next to Goh’s leg and pulls on his shirt with its sharp nails.
“Ra-tat!” it chirps, annoyed by the interruption in their game. Goh lets Oddish go, and the two pokemon run off again, leaving behind only the sound of their shrieks of excitement.
Meanwhile, Ash has turned around again, this time on his knees as he crawls towards Riolu with a carefulness Goh had rarely seen him execute. He reaches out his hand, his fingers inching closer to the sleeping pokemon, ever so slowly.
Goh's not sure what happened then, but one second everything is calm and serene around them, and the next the air is crackling with danger and Riolu is on its feet, vacuum wave building between its paws. On the other side of the garden, Pikachu’s ears perk up and Gengar fades out and in of existence, appearing next to Ash in a flash.
Riolu glares at them all, eyes full of mistrust. Ash hasn’t backed off, though, and he’s still smiling, arm reaching out to block Gengar. Goh can see it in his mind’s eye – how he’ll get blasted back by Riolu, how he’ll yelp in pain and tumble around on the grass-
But Riolu doesn’t attack. Instead, it relaxes, the move dying out and its arms dropping to its sides.
Ash sits back on his heels, resting his forearms on his knees. “Hey”, he greets it softly. “Didn’t mean to startle you. You were having a bad dream, right?”
Riolu glowers at him for a moment before admitting, “Lu…”
“I thought so”, chuckles Ash. “It's okay though. We’re all friends here.”
He glances at Gengar, who makes a face before disappearing and appearing a bit farther away. Pikachu has crossed the park and hops onto Ash’s shoulder, pushing its paw against his cheek.
“Pikapi”, it says, tone demanding. Ash laughs and brushes a hand through its fur.
“Don’t worry, buddy. Riolu is still getting used to its new surroundings. It’s just… like you know.” His tone quietens, his eyes fixed on the baby pokemon and Goh is not sure he’s doing it intentionally or not. “When Riolu is feeling anxious, I can’t help feeling a bit… off, too. But that’s fine. We’ll get used to it.”
“Pikaa…”
“Olu?” Riolu asks, its annoyed look morphing into something softer, almost worried, as it stares up at Ash.
“It won’t be just for the bad emotions!” Ash hurries to say. “I’m used to it, anyway. I always know when my friends are feeling strongly about something anyway – with you all that’ll just be a bit more intense, that’s all.”
“You always know when your friends are feeling strongly about something?” repeats Goh incredulously, because in his opinion that needs to be addressed.
Ash seems a bit tense as he shrugs, “Eh, a little bit, yeah? But it’s not as weird as it sounds…”
He stands up suddenly and rubs his stomach conspicuously. “Man, I’m so hungry! Are you hungry, Riolu? We should have lunch!”
“Wait-!”
“Right, Pikachu?”
“Pi-ka!”
Ash pumps his fist and grins, hollering across the park to Dragonite and Mr. Mime, “Come on guys! Let’s go eat!”
He starts to jog off, and Goh scrambles up and after him, not aiming to be left behind.
He feels like every time he has a conversation with Ash, he only comes out with even more questions. But maybe that’s okay.
Learning, figuring things out... These things take time. And maybe, in the end, he’ll be stronger too.