Work Text:
kim sunwoo was a journalism student, an amazing one at that. he had always been a top student ever since high school, but college scared him because he knew it was way different as compared to high school. he struggled at first, but he luckily easily overcame his anxiety by the help of the boy he first talked to in class, choi chanhee.
choi chanhee, another journalism student, sunwoo’s classmate. in accordance to sunwoo, chanhee was a simple person, he wasn’t all that complex. he was someone that can easily be described in three words. delicate, feisty, love.
sunwoo loved chanhee. he doesn’t know where it started— or maybe he did. and no, it was not when he first met him, sunwoo don’t believe in love at first sight. he thought it was a stupid thing, how can you love someone by simply seeing their physical appearance? love is something way deeper, more sentimental. love is something that digs into your skin and crawls, leaving marks in every part of our body. that’s what he felt with chanhee.
it was during a trip with their friends. chanhee and sunwoo have other friends, some were also from the journalism department, whereas some were originally friends with chanhee or sunwoo, introduced to each other which led them to become a huge friend group.
it was spring. it was spring but they thought of going to a private resort located at the outskirts of the city, near the forest. the place was beautiful, it was quiet and peaceful. sunwoo could still vividly remember how the aroma of petrichore lingered all around the place.
sunwoo opened the door of their cottage and saw a figure of a man on his back, fiddling with his phone, all by himself. he was in his silk pajamas, strands of his black hair placed in a small ponytail right at the center of his head. he looked adorable.
sunwoo lightly closed the door and laid beside chanhee. chanhee took a quick glance at him and whispered a “hi”, a small smile formed on his lips.
“you’re so red, are you drunk?” chanhee continued, as he let out a chuckle.
sunwoo and the others decided to drink right outside the cottage, in which chanhee declined to join. he was a light drinker, two shots of soju and he would already feel a bubble in his stomach going straight to his throat. the urge of puking.
“i’m not, i just feel dizzy,” he replied, eyes closed. he then proceeded to scoot closer to chanhee and wrapped his arm around him, and right after he did, he froze. he didn’t think this through, he wasn’t in control of himself. all sorts of terrifying scenarios had already played in his mind like a broken cd. chanhee will think he is weird. he will. he definitely will.
but chanhee didn’t say anything. he stood still, a small laugh came out from his mouth. chanhee put his phone down and softly lifted sunwoo’s head, placing his arm below it and half-hugged sunwoo, caressing his shoulder, drawing random shapes on it.
sunwoo was taken aback, but he stayed quiet. the silence continued. seconds. minutes. the only thing that can be heard was the loud silence that wrapped the two of them. hours, still. no one spoke, and in that posture, the two boys fell asleep comfortably.
the next day, both sunwoo and chanhee were awaken by jacob at around 5am to watch the sunrise. it was chilly, sunwoo wore a black hoodie on top of his shirt and chanhee wore a padded coat that engulfed his petite figure.
it was a six minute walk, from the cottage to the topmost part of the resort. there was a big fountain that was turned off, and in front of it was a cliff that was barricaded. the whole view of the city was widely seen from the place, it was still dark, and the city lights looked beautiful, they mirrored the sparkling of the stars right above them. sunwoo thought it resembled the sea, the moon reflecting on its dancing water.
the sun slowly started to rise, its radiant rays covering the whole city. everyone was quiet, all appreciating the art that was unraveling right before their eyes. sunwoo removed his gaze from the star and looked over his right to see chanhee with a bright smile on his face, his eyes twinkling with awe.
sunwoo loved sunrises. it makes him feel warm inside, akin to that of home. that was when he realized he was in love with chanhee, because he would rather stare at him for the rest of his life than observe the sunrise. sunwoo found his new home. he found it in chanhee.
-
sunwoo was an extraordinary writer. chanhee was too, but he had always thought that sunwoo was incomparable to him, saying sunwoo was on a different league, and that he love each and every piece sunwoo writes.
sunwoo had decided. it had been exactly two weeks since he realized he was in love with his friend. he didn’t change around him. he still managed to keep his cool, but definitely not when chanhee would come a little closer than usual, not when his skin would come in contact with sunwoo’s a little longer. sunwoo couldn’t handle it anymore, and so he decided to write.
it was 3 in the morning and he grabbed his pen, looking at his blank paper for minutes, not knowing what to write and where to start. but as soon as he wrote chanhee’s name, words that he never even knew he’d ever use came rushing out as if he had been keeping a record of everything he felt for him in his head.
it was a normal day when sunwoo decided to drop his letter in chanhee’s bag when he went to the bathroom. his heart was pounding very hard he could barely hear his own voice when chanhee came back and chatted with him.
11pm. sunwoo couldn’t sleep, he was biting the tip of his fingernails restlessly as he seemed to have a staring contest with the ceiling when chanhee still hadn’t contacted him regarding the letter. has he still not seen it? or is this him turning me down? all sorts of thoughts have passed his head back and forth like a boomerang, over and over again.
suddenly, he heard his phone ping. a notification. he quickly picked it up and was not surprised when it was a text message from the person he was expecting to text.
sunwoo cautiously unlocked his phone and opened the text.
chanhee: this is the first day of my life.
sunwoo was baffled. he wasn’t even able to reply when another text message came. it was a song from spotify. first day of my life by bright eyes.
he clicked on it and listened to the song, despite being confused. it was beautiful. it was so chanhee. it made him feel a pang of domestic love in his chest. it was so simple and yet it spoke a thousand of emotions he had no words to name.
as soon as the song finished, another text came from chanhee.
chanhee: can i facetime you?
sunwoo typed a quick ‘yes’ with his fingers shaking. he felt his whole body tremble with anxiety when he heard his phone ring not even a minute had passed when he sent his reply.
he answered the call, and was greeted with chanhee’s smile, and the very first thing that popped in sunwoo’s mind was love.
sunwoo was brave enough to think that chanhee’s face was radiating delight and pure bliss. his worries slowly vanished like the sea washing away the words he wrote once in the shore when he was a kid.
and so, sunwoo‘s smile gradually showed and they both let out a soft chuckle.
“it’s my favourite song, thank you for letting me experience what it feels like,”
“experience what?”
“love.”
-
sunwoo loved every moment he have with chanhee, especially the small things. instead of going outside to eat at various fancy restaurants, and have cinema dates, they’d rather stay at home and eat chanhee’s amazing pasta (it wasn’t that good, but sunwoo was too in love to care) while watching documentaries.
if there was one thing sunwoo and chanhee loved to do outdoors, it was walking, hands intertwined as they slowly pace through the stores they walk by, chatting about everything that came into their minds.
sunwoo smiled at the thought of how love can change everything in an instant. before, it was just a road that connected his university from his house, but now, with chanhee by his side, it was different. it was magical, each step sunwoo took was like a ticking clock, a countdown that reminded him he and chanhee would get separated once they reach the train station.
sunwoo knew love was an amazing thing, an emotion that brings millions of known, and unknown feelings along it. a four-letter word that can either complete you or destroy you.
ever since he was a kid, he had been fascinated with how love was being portrayed, from his parents, in movies, in books, in class. they made it seem like it was something one can easily feel. but in reality it wasn’t. love doesn’t just simply pass people by, it isn’t mandatory, it doesn’t happen to everyone. but if it finds your way then you’re lucky, when it does then it’s finding the last missing piece on your puzzle.
sunwoo realized how there had always been an unfulfilled bubble inside his chest he wasn’t even aware of in the first place, a hollow part in his heart, until chanhee came along and he felt full.
sunwoo knew chanhee’s love completed him. at least for now.
-
sunwoo and chanhee’s relationship was stable. for the last five years, it was a healthy relationship, but it wasn’t all fantasy, and it wasn’t all fights either, i was an equal mix of both.
sunwoo, contrary to what he thought he would be, was the jealous type. he was always so fucking jealous. he knew it was stupid and immature, and he tried to fix himself because he knew he was being extremely selfish.
“what did he want to talk about?” sunwoo asked, he couldn’t hide the annoyance in his voice when saw chanhee marching towards his direction as soon as he finished talking with younghoon. it was annoying, how he could see younghoon openly flirting with his boyfriend, his hand going to places they’re not supposed to touch (he just smacked chanhee’s arm, sunwoo’s just overreacting), and chanhee not doing anything about it, and even seemed to be enjoying his company despite knowing that his boyfriend was waiting for him and was watching the whole thing (again, sunwoo’s overreacting).
“it was for our thesis,” chanhee sighed, not having any of sunwoo’s bullshit as he passed over him, sunwoo hurriedly following him from behind.
“well then where are your other thesis mates? i’m pretty sure he just wanted to have an alone time with you despite knowing you have a boyfriend, what an asshole,” sunwoo spurted, irk seething out of his teeth.
chanhee stopped on his tracks and turned his back to look at sunwoo who was behind him, obviously catching him off guard as sunwoo almost bumped into him, “can you please stop? younghoon’s a nice guy and it fucking annoys me how you treat him like that all because you can’t deal with your jealousy issues! oh and also, he has a fucking boyfriend!”
chanhee’s face was immediately washed with regret as soon as he saw how sunwoo flinched when he raised his voice, his face covered with hurt, but chanhee was mad. he was so mad, and so he stomped away and left sunwoo standing in the hallway who was still in shock.
the day ended with sunwoo coming over to chanhee’s apartment, both hands occupied, his left hand holding a box of pizza, his right hand holding a bouquet of lilies (they’re chanhee’s favourite), and sunwoo acknowledging his mistakes and apologizing for being a jerk.
the night deepened and sunwoo dozed off in chanhee’s arms.
most of the time their fights were just like that. silly fights that end up with either one of them comfortable in the arm of the other.
until they graduated.
chanhee had to move to a different city because of the job he got. it was his dream job, and sunwoo didn’t want to stop him from pursuing his dreams all because he wanted to be with him more.
they both got very busy with all the work stuff. as time passed by, gradually, they talked and contacted to each other less and less. and they fought more and more. sunwoo had expected it to happen, but he didn’t expect it to be this hard.
whenever he badly needed someone to talk to, which originally was supposed to be chanhee, he wasn’t available. he would always seem occupied whenever they facetime and call, and he would always reply late to his texts. sunwoo was mad at first, but he didn’t hold it up against him. chanhee was reaching for his dreams, something that was very valuable to him. and he thought understanding that would be enough. sunwoo thought that as long as he endured it then everything will go well, because chanhee promised he would go back and would live with him once he reached his dreams. chanhee promised sunwoo.
a promise he never got to keep.
sunwoo received a text from chanhee one saturday afternoon telling him he’ll be in the city the next day and that he needed to talk to sunwoo about something important.
he gripped tightly on his phone, and shut his eyes closed. he felt the flowers that once bloomed in his heart die, one by one. because he knew exactly what was going to happen.
and he wasn’t wrong.
“i’m sorry,” chanhee said, keeping his head up, trying not to let his tears fall from his eyes.
sunwoo thought he still looked beautiful. just like how he fell in love with him years ago. no, he looked more beautiful, sunwoo had no idea how that can be possible, but it was. with chanhee, everything was.
sunwoo noticed how chanhee dyed his hair brown, just like the colour of his eyes, the faint wrinkles near his forehead that weren’t there before, and the dark circles under his eyes. he looked tired, but he was still so so beautiful.
“it’s okay, i understand, please don’t cry,” sunwoo let out in a soft voice, trying his best not to let his voice crack from the tears that were pooling up in his throat.
chanhee just wanted to cry more. he took his handkerchief and wiped the tears that were about to fall from his eyes, he calmed himself, and sunwoo just waited. watching every move he did, letting in every single detail he might have missed over the past five years, appreciating everything chanhee is because he did not want to forget. he do not want to forget. because this might be the last time he could see him this close. this might be the last time he could talk to him.
“i love you,” chanhee uttered under his breathe, looking at sunwoo with his brown eyes.
fuck. that was the last time sunwoo’s ever going to hear him say those three words. and it felt like a fucking stab on his heart. a tear that had been budding to fall from his eye gave in.
“i love you too,”
he pulled chanhee for a hug, one last time, as he tried to remember the warmth chanhee gave, how his little arms wrapped around him with all their might, how his head rested on his neck. he needed to remember. he had to.
chanhee pulled away and rested his forehead on sunwoo’s. eyes closed. they stayed like that for a minute, and sunwoo could see how pained chanhee was too.
“can i kiss you, one last time?” chanhee’s eyes fluttered open and his voice cracked, but he still managed to smile. it was a sad one.
sunwoo didn’t answer and just closed his eyes as he slowly closed the small distance between the two of them and placed his lips onto chanhee’s. his lips were trembling, he rested them on chanhee’s lips so lightly it was as if chanhee was fragile, afraid that he would break if he pressed too hard or moved.
chanhee moved away a little, their lips faintly grazing each other. chanhee then placed his hands on sunwoo’s face, cupping it as he kissed sunwoo again, deepening it.
it was a slow kiss. it was full of emotions. it was full of unsaid words, unsaid i love you’s, unsaid i’m sorry’s, unsaid thank you’s, and unsaid goodbye’s.
sunwoo tried his best from keeping a sob, and danced with chanhee’s lips for as long as he could. delicately, gently.
chanhee broke the kiss and pursed his lips, not removing his hands from sunwoo’s face. his eyes were sad but still, he smiled at sunwoo and sunwoo knew that was it.
”thank you,”
sunwoo closed his eyes and nodded, pressing a kiss on chanhee’s forehead. one last time.
-
dear chanhee,
i think i love you, no, i’m sure i do. i love you.
has anyone ever told you that before? because it’s my first time saying it (well, technically i’m writing them but anyway). i thought it would feel strange, i thought it would fill my stomach with raging butterflies, i thought it would cloud my mind with a lot of thoughts, just like how they portray it in books. but no. i feel....... at peace. it’s like i’ve finally let out what’s been locking me, eating me, all these time. i love you. and i want to thank you. thank you for letting me experience what love feels like. i’ve always envied people who easily fall in love, i wanted to know how it feels like. when i ask my friends how do they know they love a person, they tell me ‘you just know’. they say you can just tell you love a person as soon as you lay your eyes on them. i never believed it. it sounded silly. but then i did. i just— knew. and i felt it. i felt it when i looked right into your eyes, your honey brown eyes extremely visible as the sun sheen on them, and they were so so beautiful. i felt a bunch of flowers bloomed in my chest (i swear i did) and my head went blank, and you were the only one i could see and love was the only thing i could think of. you are so beautiful.
i know this might damage our friendship, and i’m sorry for being selfish. but i feel like i’m going to burst. i feel like i’m going to fucking burst. my insides are filled with too much emotions, too much love, and i want to give them to you, because they’re all yours. every single bit.
but you don’t have to accept my love if you don’t want to, i understand, i just wanted to tell you how i feel.
choi chanhee, i love you.
love, sunwoo.