Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

217 standard days.

That’s how long it had been since the Resistance’s near-decimation on Crait by the First Order.

217 days since she’d returned from the Supremacy.

217 days since Snoke’s death.

217 days since she’d seen him.

She’d spent the time since their estrangement carving small tallies into the wall beneath her bunk (conscientious of the fact that others might one day reside in this room), trying not to think of just how long she had spent waiting for someone last time, how they never came back, and failing miserably.

Rey could still see his eyes in her mind. The imploring expression on his face as he had looked up at her from his kneeling position, his father’s dice clutched in his hand. She remembered how her breath had hitched when she saw him there, her shock. Against all odds, the bond had apparently survived Snoke’s demise; it shouldn’t have been possible, given his claims that he had created it, unless the former Supreme Leader was lying. Rey admitted to herself that considering his prior manipulation of Ben, the idea was plausible.

Rey hadn’t seen Ben- no, she reminded herself, his name is Kylo; he’s more than proven that - since that fateful day when they had split his grandfather’s lightsaber.

She didn’t allow herself to think of that day often, because when she did her mind whirled with the infinite different paths she could have set in motion if she had done things differently.

If she had accepted his proposal - no, she emphasized again, the word proposal carries too much weight, too many expectations - what would the outcome have been? Would she have been able to convince him to let her friends go? Would he have again insisted that it was time for the past to die, even if it meant the casualties of people she cared for?

What if she had attempted to talk to him about what he was asking of her? Remind him that his mother was among those he was determined to destroy? Could she have successfully brought him home if she had attempted to communicate with him instead of reaching for a weapon?

The fact that she would never know if there was more she could have done for him haunted her.

She suspected that it always would.

Why she was suddenly thinking of Crait today, however, was a mystery. Nothing particularly evocative of those events had occurred thus far, although they did receive word that Kylo was traveling to Chandrila for reasons unknown.

There was a certain… instability in the Force today, she admitted to herself. Nothing that deeply concerned her, but there were tremors running through the energy surrounding the base, as though there was someone in great pain near her.

She had been attempting to find the root of this sensation all day, with no luck yet.

After the daily meeting the last few members of the Resistance had taken to having since they landed at their new base on Ajan Kloss, Rey went to go find Leia, having noted her unusual absence from the debriefing.

She had first checked her office, wondering if she had simply been caught up in more important business. Not finding her there, Rey checked the mess and then the medbay, her worry growing with every area she searched.

Finally, despite the fact that it must have been against some kind of protocol or regulation, Rey decided to check for Leia in her room. When she got close to the general’s quarters, the instability she had felt all day suddenly amplified, setting Rey’s nerves on edge and filling her with apprehension. Rey absorbed this change in the Force and then took off at a faster pace until she reached the entrance of Leia’s room.

Hurriedly, she knocked on the door, barking out a strained “General?” and hoping that her voice didn’t sound as panicked as she felt.

She heard the sound of someone… was that sniffling?

It took a few moments, but the door finally opened and Rey looked down at the petite woman standing there. She was troubled to find that Leia’s eyes were red and puffy, her mouth downturned into an expression which was surely meant to be steady. It would have been, too, if one could ignore the trembling of the older woman’s chin and the lonely tear which crept a slow path down her cheek.

“Leia,” Rey questioned, her normally balanced general’s sorrow saturating the Force that flowed between them, “are you- are you alright?”

Leia sniffled quietly once again, ending the tear’s journey as she wiped it from her face, and replied, “Of course, dear, don’t worry. I’m perfectly fine.”

Rey remembered her thoughts from earlier, how she had felt like something was pushing her into thinking of Ben Solo. She thought she might now have the answer as to why her mind had lingered on him.

“General… Leia,” she paused before continuing, knowing that her inquiry may not be welcome, “Does this- I mean- is this something about Ben?”

The general looked at her knowingly. Leia had been the only one that Rey had entrusted the secret of her and Kylo’s bond to. She knew that his mother would understand the desire to bring him back to the light, to save him. They had found comfort in their shared… care (Rey would not allow herself to think of that word in relation to her and Ben’s short-lived interactions) for him.

“Scarily intuitive as always, Rey.” She went to take a seat on her modest sofa, patting the spot next to her and beckoning for Rey to take a seat.

“So, what about Ky- Ben has been bothering you. Well- besides the obvious,” she hastily added, cursing her awkwardness.

Leia just laughed, a touch bitterly, and began to explain, “You see… today is my son’s birthday. Poe told me the news of where Ben was headed before the meeting took place today and it- it simply broke me.’

Rey looked at her questioningly, obviously not understanding what significance Ben’s impromptu trip to Chandrila had to do with Leia’s pain.

The woman noticed this look and said, “Ben was raised on Chandrila, dear. In Hanna City. The news that he’s returned to his childhood planet, that- that in at least one way he’s decided to return home…”

Rey thought she understood. Ben returning to his birthplace meant that - much as he tried to deny it - there were certain things from his past that he had failed to kill. That he went to the place he had presumably spent much of his time with his parents might mean that he was missing them today, the day of his-

Wait. How old was he today?

She asked Leia this question and the older woman drew in a long breath before replying, “30.”

Rey started a bit as she remembered how youthful he had always seemed to her, despite the weight on his shoulders and the voices in his head. She supposed, knowing his history, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to her, but her subconscious had apparently been working under the assumption that they were much closer in age.

Not that she knew what her age was, exactly. She assumed she was around 20, although she may still have been 19.

Ben had always just seemed… young to her. Too young to be going through what he was.

Leia’s voice interrupted her thoughts, “It’s been so long since I’ve seen my son. We sent him to Luke when he was very small… too small, and we never saw him again after that.”

Rey felt sharp barbs of icy pain creep through her being but knew it must be only a fraction of what Leia herself was feeling.

A mother separated from her child. A lonely boy finishing his childhood under the eye of an uncle who viewed him as a potential threat if not managed carefully.

She hadn’t a clue how to reply to Leia, didn’t know what she could say that would assuage the suffering of such a terrible separation for so many years.

Leia patted her hand gently and Rey looked into her eyes, which were filling with tears once again, “I know.”

Rey felt her own eyes begin to moisten and the general pulled her into a hug, both crying over the mistakes of the man they both… loved.

Yes, Rey thought suddenly, filled with a determination she hadn’t felt since Chewie had loaded her into a pod and she’d entered enemy territory with the sole purpose of liberating Ben Solo, I love him. And I’m tired of denying it to myself.

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Rey made her way through the labyrinth that was the base. She was hurriedly weaving between her fellow Resistance members, offering small waves to the few who called out a greeting as she passed by. She needed the isolation and quiet of her own quarters for what she was planning to do.

She had talked to Leia before deciding to pursue this course of action, and Leia’s weary expression had transformed into a strict one faster than you could say AT-AT. She’d had her reservations about it, obviously, but after Rey had admitted some… things about her and Ben’s relationship that she’d previously kept secret, the general had relented.

Rey knew that this had to be done delicately. To open the bond to him after 217 days… well, he was sure to be a bit upset. Maybe he’d even grown to hate her in their separation. She wasn’t sure she could blame him if he did.

But she had to try. Not because it would help the Resistance, not because she was working as some sort of liaison between the warring factions. She had to try because she loved him. She loved Ben Solo, and she had to open up communication between them to show him that and to make the first step towards unity.

When Rey finally reached her room, she fell onto the thin, lumpy mattress of her bunk (it was still better than anything she had ever slept on.) After a moment of staring up at her ceiling blankly and attempting to gather her erratic thoughts, she sat up and reached inward.

The most distinct aspect of her own connection with the Force was the bond she had with Ben, though the gates to that were jammed shut and fastened with around 17 different locks, figuratively. Slowly, carefully, she began to undo these mental locks, opening more and more of her mind up to his.

She had no idea if this would work. He probably had the bond barricaded from his side of it, too, and even if he didn’t he presumably wouldn’t want to speak with her. But she had to convince him. She had to make him see the truth of her feelings, to pass along the message Leia had sent her Ben’s way with. Had to… wish him a happy birthday, as mundane as it sounded.

She was sure no one else had.

When she had finally undone all of the locks around her mind, she gave a small push against the steadiness of the mental barrier between them.

The Force responded well and, before she knew it, the very man who had occupied so many of her thoughts recently was standing right in front of her.

He looked just as shocked as she felt at his sudden appearance.

Ben seemed to have aged much more than the months of their parting would suggest. There was a scruff that covered the lower half of his face in wispy dark hair. His eyes looked indescribably tired, his shoulders hunched, as though the weight of First Order leadership was taking a dramatically physical toll on him.

His eyes softened almost imperceptibly when he focused on her, but he turned away before she could catch a good glimpse of them.

“Opening the bond after all this time, Rey?” he asked, bitterly, with his back turned to her.

Rey wanted to respond with a biting remark, but she knew what he must be feeling.

Rey knew because she had felt the same way for so, so long. Still did, to an extent.

They were both children of abandonment, in different ways.

Rey to a life of work in the scorching sun on a dustball of a planet. Ben to a distant relation and a stifling code that he had never desired to abide by.

When Ben refused to go with her that day, it had felt like another person she cared for had thrown her to the wayside carelessly. She imagined that Ben, who had woken up alone on a ship that was crumbling in on itself with both her and Snoke’s escape shuttle gone, must feel that hurt more acutely than even she.

“Yes,” she replied, softly, as though to a wounded animal, “ I have.”

He scowled at her tone and, turning back to her, said, “And why is that, scavenger?”

She didn’t let the comment affect her. She knew he was saying it to provoke her temper, a bad habit they shared, and would not fall for it.

“I was talking to your mother just now, and I suppose I just wanted to say happy birthday.”

He simply blinked for a moment, apparently bemused.

“You reopened the bond, which we’ve had closed for months,-”

“217 days, to be exact.”

“-to tell me that you hope I have a good birthday?”

She nodded, a small smile making its way across her face in spite of her will at his expression of bewilderment.

“I just… thought it was something you might want to hear, given,” she gestured around them vaguely, “everything.”

“I’m-”

“Leia also told me you’re turning 30 today, which is an impressive milestone. So, congratulations!”

At this point, his jaw had fallen so far Rey was sure he could catch insects if he desired.

“When-” he fumbled for a moment, “when is your birthday?”

The grin which had persisted on Rey’s face suddenly dropped and she developed an uncomfortable countenance.

“Birthdays aren’t that important on Jakku. Especially not if you’re a slave girl whose parents sold you for drinking money,” she said, glancing up at him as she remembered how true the words he’d uttered had felt.

Ben had a sorrowful look in his eye at her answer and she felt the true waves of his grief on her behalf, but he didn’t seem to know what to say. Eventually, he asked, “If you, uhm, don’t mind my asking, how old are you? 22? 23?”

“20, I think? Maybe 19. It’s hard to say.”

If possible, his jaw fell even further, his dark eyebrows on a mission to vanish into his hairline. She registered his shock and sent a questioning strand through the bond. He shook himself.

“It’s just that… you’ve always seemed so much older than that to me. After everything you’ve been through-”

“Funnily enough, I had the exact opposite thought about you earlier.”

The sides of Ben’s mouth flickered, not enough to be classified as a true smile, but enough of one that Rey considered her endeavor a success, no matter what else happened.

“Wait. You said 19 or 20, correct?”

At her nod he began to mumble to himself, words and numbers she could barely make out.

“So if she… 20… then I… yes… 10…”

She waited in silence for a moment and her impatience grew.

“Mind informing me what you’re muttering about?”

“Rey,” he said, seeming as though he had discovered something that had irrevocably affected him, “After all this time, I’m not certain I remember the exact date but I… a party my mother staged once a year…”

He pulled some sort of writing utensil from wherever he was and began to scribble on his hand. Rey didn’t even know people used those anymore.

Ben suddenly stopped, turning to look at her.

“Rey, I- I think I know when your birthday might be.”

She was disbelieving and her face must have shown it because he continued.

“When I was a young kid, I must have been ten, I felt this… emergence of something into the Force. A presence. Something I had never felt before, and never felt again. Until the day I met you,” he said, looking into her eyes to see if she registered the significance of this as he did.

“So what you’re saying is, you think that you… felt when I was born?” she looked at him with awe, though she still wasn’t sure she could believe him.

“I guess so…” he replied meekly, seeming as perplexed as she was.

“Then- then that means-”

“Snoke didn’t create the bond, after all. He only said it to get in my head. Make me more willing to kill you when he ordered it.”

“And yet you didn’t. Even when you believed this… the connection between us was just another way for him to control you. You couldn’t kill me.”

He rolled his eyes, “Of course, I couldn’t. You-”

Ben stopped abruptly and his face flushed slightly.

“I what?” Rey asked confrontationally.

“Nothing, Rey, nothing at all,” he huffed at her hostility, “and if that’s all you wanted to talk about I think I’ll end this reunion early-”

“Wait! Ben, no, I’m sorry. I want to keep talking.”

He hesitated before sitting down. The comfy-looking seat appeared just as he made contact with it.

“Alright then, Rey. So why did you really reopen this? And don’t give me another excuse about telling me happy birthday.”

“To be fair, that was one of the main reasons I did. I just… thought you might be lonely today. As I said, I was talking to Leia earlier and the Resistance- well, I might as well tell you, the Resistance knows you’re on Chandrila.”

He gave a mirthless laugh and shook his head, “It’s not like I’ve been covering up my movements.”

“Yeah, sure, but… Leia told me that that was where you grew up. She was wondering why you had decided to travel there, today of all days. She misses you terribly, Ben.”

“I’m sure she does,” he replied sardonically.

“She does and it’s time you admit it! To yourself if not to me.”

“Rey, I don't want to get into my family’s drama today. Just tell me what you came to me for.”

She paused, weighing her options, “I will... once you tell me what my birth date is.”

“That’s all you want?” at her nod, he continued, “Okay then, sweetheart, come here.”

She bristled for a moment, at the hypocoristic and the command, but the way his dark eyes twinkled in amusement swayed her will and she made her way to his seat.

“Quick question: if I sit on this am I going to fall, because there isn’t- oof,” she intoned as he pulled her down onto the settee beside of him and, praise R'iia, she landed safely.

A quick jolt of what felt like electricity went through the both of them, spawning from where his hand gently grasped her wrist. They both pulled away hurriedly.

“Go ahead,” he said, pointing a finger to his temple.

She thought she understood what he meant and slowly extended her hand to where he was pointing.

When her fingers made contact with his head, he allowed the memory to flow through the bond. There was Leia, straightening his fancy, itchy clothes. There were innumerable delegates greeting him stoically. There were both of his parents, together for once, dancing in the middle of a shiny ballroom.

Outside the hall, the two moons were passing through the night, in a delicate dance with one another.

The fifth day of the seventh month, she heard his voice intone.

She made to exit his mind, but he urged her to stay. She yielded.

And then there was a pulse. A sensation so intense, he thought of crying out for his parents. It wasn’t a bad feeling though, there was no discomfort; on the contrary, it was a rush of pure joy (joy that the troubled young boy hadn’t felt this keenly in… well, ever.)

In the corridor he had fled to, Ben Solo smiled joyfully as his other half was brought into the universe.

The memory ended there.

Rey was gaping at him. It was one thing to hear such a story from him, to go into his mind and experience it herself was something entirely different. She was struck speechless by the weight of the shocking revelations they had made that day.

“So I am 20 already,” she finally said softly.

He didn’t respond, but his eyes traveled over her face hungrily, attempting to gauge her reaction to the other part of his recollection.

“You are,” he swallowed drily and nodded.

Rey finally noticed that her hand was still pressed to his head, but she couldn’t find the will to remove it.

“I think- I think this bond must go deeper than either of us believed it to,” she remarked, looking into his eyes (and definitely not allowing hers to drift to his lips.)

“Me too…” he trailed off (as his eyes definitely did drift to her lips.)

“Ben, there’s something I want to tell you,” Ben looked at her expectantly, “I… I lo-”

She was silenced as the bond cut off unexpectedly.

Rey landed in a pile on the floor, his seat having vanished with him. She put her head in her hands, resisting the urge to scream, and stamped one of her feet against the ground in irritation.

So close, she thought, imprecating the Force’s machinations thoroughly. She had only had one more thing she needed to tell him, probably the most important thing, and that was when it decided they’d been talking for long enough.

She finally lifted herself from the floor, dusting her clothes off and collapsing onto her bunk as she had before.

This isn’t over, she thought determinedly, the bond is still open, and I can tell him next time.

At least she now knew a few more things than she did before. She knew her birthday. She knew she was 20. She knew that she and Ben’s connection was their own and not the work of some cruel, looming master.

And, perhaps most importantly, she knew that Ben still cared for her. Whatever doubts she’d had about that vanished at the looks he had given her, the tender way he had held her thin wrist. Whether this feeling would prove to be the love she felt for him remained to be seen.

But waiting was what Rey did best, and she somehow knew that this time, the person she was waiting for would come back to her soon.

Chapter Text

Luckily, Rey found that she didn’t have to wait long until their next meeting. 

For once, the Force was merciful, and their connections began to operate on a seemingly daily basis. She suspected that this had much to do with the fact that with every passing day they were growing closer, opening more barriers in their minds, letting one another in like they had for that brief period when she was on Ahch-To. 

Although the time they took place wasn’t always the same, it was steady enough that Rey felt she could confidently predict when she would need to separate from her companions. 

The trouble with this schedule was, she found that each time she caught sight of Ben, all determination to tell him the truth of her feelings fled. She wasn’t scared of him, and she hadn’t been for a long, long time, but she was scared of what his reaction would be. She thought that she had maybe caught glimpses of his feelings through their interactions together, but a lifetime of loneliness and abandonment convinced her not to take these signs at face value. 

Regardless, however, she knew that she must tell him at some point— and soon. Every day that she didn’t tell him it ate at her; until this very moment, in fact, she had never truly understood the feeling of being torn apart from the inside that Ben had attempted to convey while standing on that bridge with his father. 

One day a couple of weeks after she had reopened the bond, Rey was tinkering on a dinky Imperial-era starship with Rose. They were in the middle of a lively discussion about a trick Finn and BB-8 had pulled on Poe the day before, and Rey had her head thrown back in full body-shaking laughter at Rose’s description of the look on Poe’s face when he had discovered they were messing with him. 

Suddenly, she felt that familiar pressure in the air, heard the odd echoing silence, and silently wondered why the Force had chosen to connect them at such an unusual time of day. 

She expected Ben to have a similar expression of confusion but found only silent wonder painted across his regal features as he stared at her. As their eyes met, Rey thought she saw something forlorn lurking behind his dark eyes. 

She blushed and excused herself to Rose, saying she wanted to go wash up before dinner. 

After bidding her friend farewell, she darted toward where she knew there was an empty supply closet as inconspicuously as she could, not knowing how long the bond would last and wanting to have an actual conversation with him before they said goodbye for the day.

She glanced back and noticed him begin to trail behind her after a moment of hesitation. 

Rey opened the door to the closet and stepped in, leaning an old-fashioned wood chair against the lockless frame to secure it in case someone attempted to come in. 

She glanced up at where Ben had once again appeared beside her and said, “I’m alone now. Are you?” 

For a moment she grimaced at her unfortunate choice of words, but he didn’t seem to notice. Ben nodded and looked down at his feet.

Rey didn’t quite know what to ask, and the silence felt uncommonly awkward. 

“How… how was your day?” she asked finally. 

“It was fine,” he replied curtly. “How was yours?” 

She conjured a small smile that she didn’t really feel and attempted not to bristle at his flat tone of voice. “It’s been good. My friend Rose and I were talking just now. She was telling me the funniest story about Fi-”

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh like that before,” he interrupted. “You’ve smiled around me, obviously, but never like that.” 

She looked at him quizzically, “Is that what was bothering you?”

He nodded once more and turned around, pulling off his ostentatious cape and setting it somewhere behind him. Pity, she thought, I rather like that cape. She put the thought out of mind quickly, hoping Ben hadn’t heard her bizarre blurb through their link. 

Rey found it hard to dismiss Ben’s reasoning. It… almost hurt to think that they hadn’t been able to experience such casual joy together as she shared with her friends. 

She observed that what he was currently doing was a habit of his. When he didn’t want to confront feelings - his or her own - he would busy himself in his own environment. She was, frankly, tired of it. 

“Ben? I’m over here, you know.” He turned back to her, his face successfully masking whatever he was thinking just then. His mind was similarly concealed. It all frustrated her immensely. 

They were quite close already, given their current setting, but she took a step closer to him and crossed her arms, sighing as she did. 

“I thought we were past this, Ben.” 

He looked down at where she was planted in front of him. Rey only allowed herself a second to marvel at the difference in their heights before refocusing on the conversation. 

“What is ‘this’, Rey? ” he inquired sarcastically.

“This- thing where we block each other out. Where we aren’t open with one another. We both know it gets us nowhere so can we agree to just quit?” she emphasized. 

He looked at her in steely silence for a second, and to anyone else, it would have seemed like a straightforward glare. Rey wasn’t anyone else, however. She knew the inner-workings of his mind and she could feel how convoluted his thoughts were at that moment, although she couldn’t decipher them for herself. 

Finally, he sighed.

“You’re right,” Ben ceded (it seemed as though it took him some effort to admit it), “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to… do that. I’m just not used to having someone who actually— well, who has to ask what’s going on in my head. It just- it seems like everyone close to me, every Force user close to me, at least, has always just… taken whatever they want…”

Again with the poorly-timed references to our past, Rey thought as she looked up at him with compassion. Ben continued. 

“But I know that none of that is your fault and I shouldn’t take my past out on you. I really am sorry, Rey.” He looked into her eyes with a pleading expression, and Rey was taken back by how genuine his sentiment was. Ben was not one to readily admit he was at fault, so this was a bit alarming - albeit in a good way. 

“It’s fine, Ben,” she replied good-naturedly, “Just don’t let it happen again, alright? Or I will tell your mother, Solo.”

She laughed then, a bit of a chuckle at her weak attempt at a joke, and Ben adopted an expression similar to his earlier one, this time with a self-satisfied grin attached to it. When Rey stopped chuckling she looked up at him, waiting for his reply to her small jest. 

“Of course not,” he said finally, with gravity. It unnerved her sometimes, how serious he was about, well, everything.

“So uh, what are you up to?” she chirped nervously.

“Oh… I was just writing something,” he answered, and for some reason, it seemed like he blushed a bit as he did.

“Anything important?”

“Not really.” He seemed more certain now and she decided not to question it.

“And have you,” she paused, not sure what his reaction would be, “considered my proposition?”

He looked down then and it was as though he were about to retreat into his shell. After a moment of deliberation, however, he looked back up and met her eyes.

“I just don’t think I’m ready to face her yet. It’s been so long…”

“I understand why you feel like that. But, Ben, you’re her son. She still loves you. She- she wants you to come home.”

Earlier on in their acquaintance, a remark such as that one would have provoked one of Ben’s outbursts. As they were now, he simply reached up to rub the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache coming on.

“Maybe that’s true, but-”

“Ben, when will you finally let yourself admit that you’re scared?” 

His eyes widened and he began to sputter.

Rey continued. “Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? You’re afraid that your mother won’t accept you, that she- that she won’t love you anymore, because of the things you’ve done.”

They both had tears in their eyes, Ben more so than her. 

“I know Leia,” she exclaimed, “I sat with her while she cried for you !”

At this point, Rey was pleading with him. “But Ben, even if she didn’t want you to come back, if- if she didn’t love you anymore, you still have someone waiting for you if you ever decided to.”

Her eyes expressed more than she felt she could in words. Ben’s eyes glimmered in recognition of what she was implying but, before he could respond, the connection ended. 

This time, Rey found that she couldn’t help but vocalize her frustrations, kicking the wall as she did so.

“Kriff!” Kick .

She immediately regretted it. There were constantly Resistance members walking down the corridor outside and if one of them had heard her it would be hard to explain why their Jedi was locked in a dusty, unused closet all by herself. 

Not to mention the throbbing pain that was now running through her foot.

Yeah, she thought, that’s gonna need some bacta.

She opened the door a sliver, glancing through the crack to find that no one was currently walking toward her ( thank the Force) , and began to limp her way to the infirmary.

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If possible, Ben was even more distraught at the untimely closure of the bond than Rey. He resisted the urge to pull out his lightsaber and engage in one of the destructive rampages he’d been so prone to doing only a very short while ago.

Instead, he grimaced and clenched his hand, causing some ancient stone decor piece behind him to crumble.

“At least it was only a vase this time…” he muttered, then turned back to what he’d been working on before he and Rey had connected.

Sitting at his desk, Ben gave a few sure flourishes with his calligraphy pen, admiring how the dark ink spread over the paper in elegant curls. He sat in silence for a second, weighing the moment in his head. 

Finally, he stood up, pulling on his mended mask and heading out to the ship’s bridge.

✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵

The next day their link opened at the usual time, to Rey’s delight. She broke into a toothy smile when she saw him, but it faded quickly when she noticed the wild look on his face. 

“Ben…” she ventured, “are you okay?”

He was taking in deep breaths, as though he were giving himself the fortitude to do something difficult, and pressed a folded up slip of paper into her hands. He kept holding onto the paper and, suddenly, there they were, fingers interlocked. She glanced quickly to where his hand pressed against hers, then back up to his searing eyes. 

“I need you to read this when the connection ends. It will… hopefully explain some things. Things I find hard to put into words.”

She gaped, unsure of how to respond.

“Promise me you’ll read it, Rey?” He pleaded with her.

She nodded wordlessly and his hand came away from hers. She winced at the loss of contact and looked down at the plain white sheet clutched in her hands.

A moment later, whether it was the Force’s doing or his own, Ben vanished. As soon as she felt his absence, she hurriedly unfolded the paper. 

Dear Rey,

By the time you read this letter, I will be doing something that will most likely go down as the most impulsive thing I’ve ever done. Earlier this week, I boarded the First Order’s primary command ship and have been here ever since then. After our connection for today ends, I will begin to put into motion events that will hopefully allow me to atone for my actions, at least partially. 

Though I cannot guarantee the Resistance a victory over the Order, I will do what I can in order to gain yourself and my mother time to grow your ranks and supplies. After I succeed in my goal - Force willing - I’ll make my way to an escape pod and head to Tatooine, where I hope I’ll be able to shroud myself in anonymity for the time being. I won’t tell you not to follow me there because I know you, and I know that you’re likely gathering supplies even now as you finish this letter. 

I will be returning to my uncle’s former home which is as far as I know still habitable. If you wish to meet me there, my mother should be able to inform you of its location. Or Luke. We’ve never talked about whether or not he appears to you as he occasionally does to me.

I estimate that it will take a full standard day in order for me to fulfill my plans and travel to Tatooine, so take what time you need to prepare. If you plan on coming, that is. I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous. 

And, Rey… there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, since the day we met, really. The day you faced me in that crumbling forest on Starkiller and stole my grandfather's lightsaber right out from under me. I wasn’t wise enough to see it then, the significance of all I feel - all I feel about you. I am now. 

If you so desire, meet me on Tatooine and we can discuss all of this. If you don’t or can’t… well, I’m sure the Force isn’t through with us yet. We’ll see each other again. I believe that.

Love,

Ben

P.S. Please tell my mother of my intentions. It’s important to me that she knows.

Rey brought one hand up to her mouth, holding in a sob as tears streamed down her face. It was actually happening. Ben was leaving the First Order. He wanted her to talk to Leia on his behalf. He… he had at least heavily implied that he loved her. 

She looked around her room, searching for some sort of bag to begin putting clothes and other necessities into. She found one under her bunk and crossed the room to her small closet. Grabbing outfits, she came to the sudden realization that she must tell the general about this before anything else. 

Sprinting from the room, she felt her face light up even as the tears continued to fall. 

✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵

A few hours later, Rey was boarding a ship (not the Falcon this time, it was much too conspicuous), a pack of supplies slung over her shoulder. She embraced Leia tearfully as they both reflected on the events of the day.

“I’ll arrange for a more suitable planet for him to self-exile himself soon,” Leia murmured sardonically in her ear, far too aware that a crowd of Resistance members was watching their salutations. All her friends knew about where she was headed was that it pertained to the Force and she had to go alone. “Perhaps Naboo. We have a family home there.”

At the word family , Rey sniffled, tightening her embrace. “Thank you. I’ll pass the message along.”

She pulled away, giving her bondmate’s mother’s hand one last squeeze before walking up the ramp, which closed with a hiss behind her. Climbing in the pilot’s seat, she took off, looking back at where Leia, Finn, Rose, and Poe were waving her goodbye.

Rey reached out through the bond, as she had many times in the few hours since she and Ben had disconnected earlier, but found the same wall blocking her out as before.

Sucking in the tears that threatened to fall again, she prepared to jump to lightspeed.

“Don’t worry, Ben. I’m coming.”

✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵~✵

When she arrived at the coordinates Leia had given her, Rey was… incredibly underwhelmed. 

The legendary Luke Skywalker grew up here??

Although, she supposed, she was as much of a legend now as Luke had once been, and she hailed from the nowhere-planet of Jakku.

Walking down the sand dunes, she ducked into one an alcove of the house and found what she presumed to be a living area, where she laid her bag down gently. She made her way through the home until she found a kitchen, storing away some rations that she had brought along with her.

Rey paced around, attempting to get the layout of the place, unsure of what she could do before Ben arrived.

If Ben arrives, a dark place in her mind intoned. 

She pushed the thought back and busied herself in straightening up one of the bedrooms, glad that she had brought blankets since she assumed the nights were as cold in this desert as they had been on Jakku. Maybe Ben would even want them to sleep together. For warmth, of course. Nothing more. She blushed and moved on.

It was several hours and a great deal of cleaning later before Rey finally heard the hum of a ship making planetfall close by. With a hint of apprehension, she made her way outside. 

She saw him first as a dark silhouette against the binary sunset of the planet and drew in a shaky breath. The bond purred like a Loth-cat as they approached one another. Rey noticed that he had a small nick on his chin but beyond that seemed perfectly healthy. 

Tears flooded her eyes (grumpily she thought, Again? ) and her pace picked up as he made his way slowly toward the homestead, looking utterly exhausted. Regardless, as soon as he looked up and noticed her, his lips formed an elated, satisfied smile that took her breath away.

She slowed down as she neared him, unsure of what they were now, exactly.

“I read your note,” she uttered breathlessly, her quiet voice carried to him on a gentle desert wind. 

“Rey,” he choked out her name, taking another step in her direction.

Suddenly, she decided that she couldn’t take it anymore, surging forward and wrapping her arms around his torso. He dropped a parcel she hadn’t realized he was carrying and simply froze for a moment. Rey worried she had done something wrong and made to pull herself off of him when she felt his strong arms draw her tighter against her chest.

He leaned against her heavily, head nestled in the crook of her neck, and she felt a wet spot spread where his face was buried. She clutched him as tightly as she could, feeling the bond pulse at the contact and their joy.

“I love you,” she felt him whisper against her skin.

Pulling away quickly, she met his eyes, puffy and red and achingly vulnerable . 

“I- I’m sorry,” he said, “If you don’t feel the same way, I’ll be fine. I would never want to make you uncomf-”

“Ben?”

“...Yes?”

“Please shut up.”

She pulled him toward her once more, feeling the softness of his charcoal gray sweater under her fingers, and admitted something she had kept inside for weeks now. 

“I love you, too.”

He looked down at her and, apparently seeing the truth in her expression, gently cupped his cheeks in his hands. Bringing his head forward tentatively, he brushed a small kiss over her forehead, nuzzling his nose against her hairline. They breathed against one another, feeling the way the rhythm of their hearts beating synchronized.

Rey felt a remarkable sense of peace, like everything in the galaxy had revolved around the connection between them and, now that they were together again, it could finally calm itself.

“Let’s go inside,” she said against his chest. 

As he looped an arm around her shoulders and she assisted him down the slope, Rey remembered the vision she had had the first time their bare skin had come into contact. The small, quaint house on the shore of a boundless sea; Ben by her side as she laid on her back and watched the clouds pass by.

For the first time in her life, Rey felt that maybe now she could start working toward that future, rather than wasting the present waiting and pining away over people who wouldn’t come back.

But, she thought as she peered at Ben from across the dining table, maybe some people do.