Chapter Text
“We have a problem, Superman.”
The World’s Finest were standing on the main deck of the Watchtower II, looking down on the bustling lounge below them. Not many of the members of the Justice League were currently out on patrol, so bustling was incredibly accurate.
Just under sixty heroes were aboard the tower; some of them had congregated to spar in the gym and most of the founding members had made their way to their permanent personal quarters; save for Flash, who had joined the other forty-some individuals currently eating dinner at the tables below.
Flash was never one to miss food.
“If you’re referring to the shortage of coffee we’re inevitably going to have once Flash offers an iced mocha to every female on board, then yes, you’re correct,” Superman smiled, glancing at his colleague and friend of over 10 years. “If you’re referring to the fact that Green Arrow and Black Canary’s privacy has been violated via several false rumors travelling around this satellite faster than I can fly, then you are also correct.”
He smiled again, and turned his whole body towards Batman.
“Although, B, when are you ever not correct?”
“Never,” Batman growled. Then he returned a very small smile. “I was referencing the latter, and honestly I might even feel sorry for them, except I believe Arrow is one of the worst quidnuncs in the League.”
“Quidnunc?” Superman laughed. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Gossip monger,” Batman said, in a slightly exasperated tone that suggested this was common knowledge. “It’s someone who believes and therefore perpetuates gossip. He starts it too.”
“Oh, so you mean he’s like Flash,” Superman said, gesturing to the younger hero who was enthralled in what appeared to be an argument between Hawk and Dove. “How much do you want to bet that we’ll hear all about their conversation later?”
“I don’t need to bet,” Batman growled. “I know we’ll hear about it, and that’s the problem.”
“What do you want to do?” He was fiddling with his red cape now, adjusting the shoulders. “I mean, is there really anything we can do?”
“I think our only option would be to address the entire league; make it clear that gossip is not something that is acceptable, especially when it is at the expense of one or some of our own,” Batman said. “I had honestly hoped that this would not be a necessary conversation, but based on the last few days, it clearly is.”
“I agree,” Superman said, nodding. “Should we bring it up at the next group conference? Or should we schedule one specifically to address it.”
Batman seemed to contemplate something for a few moments.
“Actually, before we say anything,” He said, eyes narrowing. “I think this is the perfect opportunity to conduct a social experiment, of sorts, to see just how far rumors go.”
“Okay…” Superman said. “But how exactly would we do that?”
“We will leak a rumor, I suppose, something false about me,” Batman said, nodding. “Something interesting and unlikely, and then I’ll fuel it. I’m interested in seeing how long it takes for every single member of the league to hear the rumor, including you and I.”
“Sounds relatively harmless,” Superman agreed. “Except maybe to you if your reputation is damaged. What if it gets outside of the league? What would you do then?”
“I’ll make it interesting , but easily reversible,” Batman said, a malicious smile forming on his face. “And if it does get outside the league by means of someone in the league, there will be hell to pay. Oh, Superman, this could be fun.”
“Okay, but what are you going to leak, and to whom?” Superman asked. “Like the person you leak it to makes a big difference whether or not the gossip spreads at all. Like Diana, for example, isn’t going to share a single thing she’s told about you.”
“That is true, and leads me to something else I’ve been wondering as well,” Batman said, rubbing his chin inquisitively. “I wish there was a way to determine who spreads a rumor faster, Arrow or Flash, however there is no way I could tell without breaching the league’s privacy. I cannot exactly record conversations…”
He turned to Superman and raised an eyebrow, as if waiting for verification that this, indeed, would be inappropriate. Superman shook his head.
“No, you definitely shouldn’t do that.” He hesitated a moment, then said: “You could, however, leak two different rumors to two different people, and see which one comes back to us faster.”
Batman seemed to consider this option for a second, then shook his head too.
“If two pieces of information suddenly leaked about me, it would be very suspicious,” he said. “Given how private everyone knows I am.”
“What if the second one was about me?” Superman suggested, trying to hide the excitement in his voice. It was exhilarating, the possibility of playing a sort of prank on the other league members, especially if it was something solely between him and Batman . The fact that he had been the one approached to help Batman carry this out made him feel warm inside.
“That could work,” the other hero said, the grin reappearing. “That could definitely work. We leak something about you to Flash and something about me to Arrow, or vice versa, and see which rumor we hear about first. What do you suggest we say?”
They both contemplated in silence for a moment.
“What about our love lives?” Batman suggested. He didn’t notice as Superman swallowed thickly. “That seemed to cause a lot of stir for Arrow and Canary; it likely would for us as well. It’s also easily reversible; just publicly announce a break up.”
“What are you suggesting?” Superman asked, biting his lower lip. “Should we pretend we’re dating someone else from the league? Or a civilian?”
“Definitely a civilian,” Batman said. “We don’t want to involve too many people from the league or the results will be skewed. Besides, I already have the perfect candidate for you. He’s a friend of mine, and he’s one of the league’s benefactors; Bruce Wayne. He’d never do it with me, but he might go for the Man of Steel.”
“Okay,” Superman laughed. “I’ve only met him once or twice, but I suppose that’s enough to convince the league that we had a spark. I’ve got the perfect guy for you too. Clark Kent; have you met him?”
“Yeah, I have,” Batman said. “Your friend from the Daily Planet, right?”
“Yep,” Superman nodded. “He usually only writes about me, but he’s actually quite a big fan of yours. I’m sure he would be willing to play pretend with you if it meant he got an interview out of it. Can you swing that?”
“For the experiment, I guess,” Batman said, shrugging lightly. “It’s not ideal, but I can just be vague...I’ll have to ask Wayne, though, before I make any promises.”
“Oh yeah,” Superman blushed. “Me too, I’ll have to ask Clark I mean. Like I said, though, he’ll probably be on board right away.”
“I’m sure Wayne will too,” Batman said. “He has a playboy persona to keep up; I’m sure he wouldn’t mind pretending Superman is another notch in his belt.”
They both chuckled lightly, then were pulled away from their conversation by the shattering of glass in the lounge below them.
“Rao,” Superman sighed. “I’ll go see what’s up. Let me know when you hear from Wayne, okay?”
“Sounds good,” Batman said, nodding gruffly. “You too.”
-----
Once both heroes had ‘heard’ from their respective candidates, they decided to meet up in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude to discuss their plan without distraction.
“Clark said an interview wasn’t even necessary,” Superman said as he led Batman into the control room. They took seats in front of the computer, simply out of habit, before turning to face each other. “He’s willing to be your fake boyfriend just for the chance to meet you.”
Batman nodded.
“Good. I was admittedly unsure about the interview. You know me, Batman doesn’t do public appearances. Wayne is more than happy to do it as well; like I said, he feels it might add to his public image to be seen on the arm of a superhero.”
“Why hasn’t he ever gone out with you, then?” Superman asked.
“He’s not exactly my type,” Batman said, shaking his head.
“Oh...do you not…” Superman stuttered.
“Yes,” Batman said, quietly. “I am interested in...men...just, not arrogant suckholes like Wayne.”
Superman burst out laughing, his shoulders shaking from the force of it. Batman even smiled a little; a normal smile, absent of cynic and mischief.
“Don’t...ah...don’t tell him I said that,” he murmured, chuckling to himself.
“Don’t worry,” Superman said, raising his hands. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
A pause.
“I’m also...interested in men...but I don’t know enough to judge Wayne before I really know him. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, B.”
Batman stared at him for a minute before saying: “No problem. I bet you’ll get on just fine.”
“Does that mean I’m also an arrogant suckhole?” Superman said, trying his best to look hurt.
“Let’s just talk about how we’re going to do this, Superman,” Batman said, smirking as he diverted their attention to the screen. “I took the liberty of constructing a tentative ‘dating’ schedule for the both of us and our respective partners. Of course, we want to try and waste as little time as possible with the set up, so all of these ‘dates’ will happen on the same day. This Saturday for you and Wayne, this Sunday for Clark and myself. I’m assuming he has the weekends off?”
“Yes he does,” Superman said, running over the detailed chart above him. Each day had several locations, each with a designated photo-op with instructions on how to pose. “Are we going to be showing Arrow and Flash the photos then?”
“That’s the plan,” Batman said. “Although, in order to make it look authentic, Kent and Wayne will have to change outfits every time we take them to a new location. That will make it seem like we’ve been on multiple dates.”
“Did Wayne already agree to that?” Superman asked. “Clark made it clear that he is ‘all-in, whatever Batman wants,’ so that won’t be an issue with him.”
“Wayne felt similarly,” Batman nodded. “He’s fairly used to doing what people tell him anyway; posing for photos, kissing and telling; that sort of thing.”
Superman nodded. “So I guess all we can do now is wait, really.”
“Well, don’t be too hasty,” Batman grumbled. “We have to have a plan for the general public’s reaction, not to mention actually breaking the story to our quidnuncs.”
“Can you stop using that word?” Superman groaned, fading into a chuckle. “Nobody knows it. Like literally nobody knows that it exists in the dictionary except for you. It makes you seem pretentious.”
“I am pretentious,” Batman said, smirking. “You and Diana have told me on multiple occasions.”
He pressed a button on the screen, and the page shifted.
“I think I can handle dealing with the paparazzi. I’ll get Robin and Nightwing to cause a scene; one on Saturday and one on Sunday. That will grab the attention of the media. As for bystanders…you’ll find a lot of this stuff entails relative seclusion in the first place, but in the museums and such, I’ll just buy them out for an hour or two. I think it’ll be fine. We do really need to know how and when we are going to tell Arrow and Flash that we are involved with Kent and Wayne.”
“It can’t exactly be blatant, either,” Superman said. “It doesn’t make for hot gossip if the subjects of said gossip are on board with it being public knowledge. It wouldn’t spread at all.”
“Very true,” Batman said. “I have monitor duty on Tuesday night, from which Arrow is scheduled to relieve me. Perhaps I could pull up a photo of Kent and myself on one of the screens? Then it would appear I am dreaming about him. I can pretend that I’m ashamed I’ve been caught in the act.”
“That’s perfect!” Superman said. “Flash and I actually usually spar together on Tuesday evenings, cause I’m the only one who can match his pace. Maybe I could come up with something then.”
“I could arrange for Wayne to call you during your training,” Batman suggested. “Then it seems like an accidental reveal.”
“Do you think Wayne would do that?” Superman asked. “Cause if he would, that would work really well, I think.”
“I’m positive he would,” Batman nodded. “That playboy doesn’t pass up the opportunity to flirt shamelessly with someone, especially a handsome superhero. He’ll be making you blush genuinely .”
Superman bit his lip, a slight pinkish tinge appearing on his cheeks. “He doesn’t have to make it too realistic, you know.”
“Are you kidding?” Batman said. “Yes he does. You have to be convincing, or the whole plan will fall apart!”
“Okay, okay,” Superman said. “I’m just easily embarrassed, that’s all.”
“I know, Superman,” Batman said. “I’ll tell him to go easy on you, but don’t count on it.”
They worked out a few more details, before finally Batman stood.
“So, Saturday,” Superman said. “I’ll let you know how it goes with Wayne.”
Batman nodded. “And I, you, on Sunday.”
“I’ve gotta stay here for a little while,” Superman said. “A few things to take care of. I would offer to walk you out, B, but something tells me-”
“I know where I’m going,” Batman said, his gentle, genuine smile returning. “I’ll talk to you on Saturday, Boy Scout.”