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Ever since Newt had broken his leg back in the glade, his ankle was sore, his calf was stiff, and his knee was sensitive. Those were the consequences left from trying to throw himself off from one of the highest walls in the maze. Surviving that horrific event had Newt promise himself to never complain again. Risking everything had been his choice and he had to assume the fallout. Up till today, Newt had managed wonderfully at keeping his suffering to himself. Of course, he would occasionally curse under his breath as they walked long distances during multiple hours of the day, but Newt was good at hiding his discomfort. His limp was quite noticeable, but Newt kept promising the other boys that it gave him no pain whatsoever. Sadly, everything changes for Newt when he tries to outrun a bloody train behind Gally and Thomas. From that very second, he knows that his long-kept promise to hide his suffering would possibly be broken by the dull pain in his leg being replaced with an almost unbearable one.
At first, his ache isn’t even that bad. The adrenaline is still rushing rapidly through his veins which gives him enough strength to crawl with his friends into the dark tunnels until they reach daylight. It’s with the sun hitting the top of his head and the pace of his two friends becoming steadier and quicker that Newt really start to feel it. Rationally, he desperately wants to make it to the last city with the shanks without slowing down, but realistically, he knows there is no way he will make it without his leg completely shutting down. The more they walk, the more the distance separating Newt from Thomas and Gally is noticeable. He see’s how Thomas keeps turning around to send him worried glances, but he simply brushes him off every single time, knowing how important getting to Minho is. The boy saved him once and it was only fair to return the favor, even at the cost of his own life. Or at least, that’s how Newt see’s it.
It’s not before another hour that his pain really becomes atrocious. In fact, the ache is so intense that the blonde can feel every single muscle of his leg throb, sending shivers all over his body and leaving him with no other choice than to bite his lip to keep himself from whimpering. His limp becomes even more pronounced as he tries his absolute best to follow his two comrades, fearing the worse. He can feel the cold sweat pearl against his forehead and drip into his eyes, he can also feel the way his whole body is racked by tremors every time he dares to take another step. Dizziness overcomes him and Newt starts to see black dots dancing in front of him and burring his vision. He knows that he is seconds away from falling to the ground. Just as Newt feels his legs about give out, Thomas stops walking and calls a much-deserved break for the three lads. Newt almost starts to cry in relief, thankful that he wouldn’t end up tripping face first into the rocks beneath him. Gally rolls his eyes in annoyance, obviously wanting to keep going forward, but Newt does not find it in himself to feel bad. He is too far gone, and his pain is too severe.
After complaining for a few seconds, Gally ends up sitting down on a round rock nearby, taking a few sips of water. Thomas on the other hand approaches his friend and wraps a steady arm around Newt’s shoulders, leading him to a set of logs only a few centimeters away from where they are currently standing. When Newt finally settles down, he lets out a long breath he has no idea he had been holding in. He then squeezes his eyes tightly and desperately tries to concentrate on calming the rhythm of his rapid inhales. Realising that his friend is close to hyperventilating, Thomas places a hand on top of Newt’s fragile knee and tries to ground him back to reality by rubbing it gently. Once the blond feels like his heart is no longer about to burst out of his thin chest, he allows his eyes to flutter open and stares back at Thomas with a large frown, no longer finding the courage to fake a smile.
“How bad is it?” Thomas asks sadly, sounding genuinely concerned.
He might not have been as subtle as he thought about his pain Newt thinks before shaking his head, sucking up the tears threatening to fall along his cheeks. He refuses to be weak in front of the brunette. Thomas is always so strong and brave, putting everyone’s well being before his own. Newt really wants to be like that too, but he’s pretty sure he will never be, no matter how hard he tries. Newt feels like he has been designed to be weak.
“How bad is what?” Newt attempts stupidly, wishing he could just keep faking it until they get Minho back.
Thomas raises an eyebrow and gently shakes his head, not naïve enough to believe a word of what Newt is telling him. It is so obvious that he anything from fine. In fact, Newt seems so close to simply going unconscious that Thomas promises himself to stay right by his side, just in case his figure would randomly go drop.
“Newt. No offense but you’re as pale as a god damn ghost and I’m pretty sure you we’re just about to pass out back there. Plus, you’re shaking really badly.” Thomas adds that last part while taking both of Newt’s trembling hands in his, giving them a reassuring squeeze. “How can I help you…?” The brunette whispers, voice soft and tone comforting.
The softness of the brunette’s voice makes Newt’s chest feel lighter for a few seconds, but there’s this annoying buzzing sound that keeps echoing in his ears. It makes him feel like he is slowly going insane. He ends up letting his shoulders raise and fall as a reply to his friends’ question, having no clue how the boy could help him. In fact, he’s pretty sure any kind of help is useless at this point. Newt is convinced that the fate of his leg is being chopped off and given as a meal for those infected with the flare.
“Newt?” Thomas attempts again, fearing that the sound of his voice is not reaching Newt’s brain. He lets one of his hands slowly press against the boy’s cheek, putting all his efforts in catching his attention for a brief instant.
“I do-don’t kn-know Tommy.” Newt whispers painfully, hating how badly his voice cracks. He surprises himself at how his eyes fill with unshed tears, knowing he couldn’t hold them in this time.
Thomas notices just how badly Newt is trying to keep his pain to himself, heart breaking at the sight. He feels absolutely helpless. He wraps an arm around the boy’s stiff neck and lets him fall into his side. Newt pushes his nose into the brunette’s shoulder blade, wetting his shirt with his tears in the process.
Hearing the agitation in the background, Gally ends up shooting a concerned look back at Thomas, now aware that something is wrong. Thomas shakes his head in misery, not knowing what to do or what to say. He wraps his second arm around Newt’s frail figure, holding him tightly against his chest as he shivers.
Realising they are most definitely not going to take the road again for the rest of the day, Gally decides to get back up on his feet, wanting to gather things to build some type of shelter to survive the night. Thomas catches on his intentions quickly and sends a thankful nod his way. Deep down, he knows Gally is a good person that wants the same thing as they do: survive.
Newt feels the weight of the world fly away from his shoulders as he inquires the strong set of arms wrap around him. The gesture makes him cry louder. The last time he had allowed himself to break like this, was when he had decided to take his own life. This time though, it’s his fear of dying that tears him to pieces, not his fear of living. Now, Newt has an actual future to hold onto. He has his friends and he has Thomas.
Thomas has always been special to Newt. Ever since he had first seen him come up the lift, Newt had felt a weird type of attachment to him, as if he had known him in another life. They quickly became friends and rare were the nights where they wouldn’t end up chatting for hours together around the fire. Newt has even let himself think multiple times that if he didn’t die back in the maze, it was maybe because he was meant to meet Thomas. To this day, he can’t quite put a label on what their bond is, but he knows it’s deeper than any type of friendship he has ever had. Usually, being around a friend doesn’t make butterflies fly around your stomach, your heart beat faster or your brain faulter. Being with Thomas does all those weird things to him and he can’t help but crave for more.
That’s probably why despite his leg killing him, Newt feels some type of peace while being buried in the boy’s chest. Maybe it’s the way he can feel his hot breath tickle his neck, his thin fingers rub circles around his back, or his lips whisper sweet nothing in his ears, but Newt feels himself calm down somehow. Thomas breathes out in relief when he feels Newt’s body relax against him, allowing themselves to part only so their eyes could meet. Newt admires how even after all the lives lost and the struggles they have been through, Thomas’ hazel eyes still shine with hope and bravery. It allows him to have faith in a world where they would be at peace together without being products of science.
“I would do anything to take your pain away. Even just for an instant. I would give it all to myself if it meant being able to make you feel better.” Thomas breaks the silence with his statement, brushing a tear away from Newt’s cheek with his thumb. Newt can feel blood rush up to his brain and blur his thoughts, the statement surprising him. Never would he allow Thomas to do such a thing, even if it was possible.
“You absolute slinthead. Do you really think I would ever let you suffer though this? Jumping off a wall was my decision Tommy. I have to live with the consequences that come with it.” Newt insists, refusing to break his eye contact with the other boy. Thomas’ expression gets severe at his statement, nose scrunched up and lips curled into a frown.
“Sure, you did a mistake in the past, but that doesn’t mean you need to live with the impact of your mistakes for the rest of your life Newt. You’re being way too hard on yourself. I promise you that once all this is over and we can start living a normal life again, we will find someone who will help you with your pain. It’s not fair for you to go on living with the constant reminder of the day you decided to end everything.” Thomas offers him a light smile before squeezing him back into a warm hug. Newt swallows once more the tears that are threatening to fall, burning his eyes.
“I want to survive Thomas. I want to see what the future holds for me. Oh and shuck it, I want to see what the future holds for us.” Newt pours his heart out, looking at Thomas through his glossy spheres, hoping he was going to understand what he was referring to.
“And we will. I promise we will. The future with you is so bright Newt, can’t you picture it in your mind? When I close my eyes, it feels so real.” Thomas’ voice tremors with emotion and Newt nods because he can perfectly imagine how wonderful a happy ever after with Thomas would be.
He surprises himself by gathering enough courage to take Thomas’ hand in his and giving it a light squeeze. He wants nothing more than to lean in and press his chapped lips against the soft skin of the boy staring though his soul, but he keeps himself from doing it. He has a full inner debate on the pros and cons of daring to do a move but decides wisely that the special moment would have to wait for when they would reach their safe haven together. Newt knows from the second he will have a real taste of what life with Thomas could be, it’s all he will ever be able to focus on. Now, what mattered most, was getting Minho back. Once their mission will be a success, Newt will feel free to live out his feelings for Thomas at their fullest.
That is the only motivation he needs, because even the pain torturing him is not strong enough to pull him away from the love he feels for Thomas in his heart.