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“This is silly,” Hyunjin says, sighing wistfully as he watches Seungmin pick up his scattered clothes. “You don't really have to go right now, do you?”
“Of course I do,” Seungmin answers, tugging his pants on upwards. “I'm already late meeting some friends for lunch.”
Hyunjin falls into silence, just watching as Seungmin glances around the room, looking for something.
“Have you seen my right shoe—oh there,” Seungmin mumbles, dropping on his knees so he can reach under the bed. When he stands up, he looks directly at Hyunjin, “I'm going now.”
Can I go with you? Hyunjin wants to ask, but he doesn't. It doesn't really matter though, they've known each other for so long that Seungmin easily reads through his expression.
“This isn't high school anymore, Hyunjin,” Seungmin adds, his face blank, and his lips drawing a straight line. Not exactly what he wants to hear.
He looks at Seungmin. “No, it isn't,” he echoes half-heartedly.
And it really isn't.
High school was the two of them, just the two of them before anybody else, hanging out at each other's houses after school, occasionally fooling around instead of doing homework. High school was secretly meeting behind the gym, by the stairwell, messing around, experimenting. It was definitely not just like that anymore.
“I'm late,” Seungmin tells Hyunjin again, unable to look at him directly anymore.
“Fuck this,” Hyunjin mumbles, collapsing back onto the bed. “I'm done.”
We're done.
Seungmin leaves without saying another word.
Seungmin is generally patient, grounded with more focus, while Hyunjin has mood swings by the hour, brought on by being his own worst critic. Seungmin is also careful where Hyunjin is callous and at times lacking a brain-to-mouth filter, consequences be damned. The list goes on and on and well, Seungmin has always generally complemented Hyunjin, which is why their friendship has always worked.
Hyunjin doesn't even remember how they became friends—he remembers meeting Seungmin during the start of high school at best, remembers sitting behind him in class, but he doesn't recall turning to friends. He just remembers being friends, and then being something a little more.
Fooling around had been Hyunjin's idea. He still remembers that one spring afternoon, at the start of their second year of high school. Seungmin had been listening to music quietly in his room, humming softly under his breath while he looked up and analyzed baseball statistics, which he was doing in order to best draft a team for the fantasy baseball league he belonged to. Seungmin was always good at occupying himself with things like that, but Hyunjin wasn't, and so he'd been antsy and unable to sit still.
“I'm bored,” he'd whined to Seungmin at least ten times already, before that certain light bulb had lit up in his head. “Let's do something fun.”
“Like what?” Seungmin had asked, and Hyunjin had puckered up his mouth into a pout, blanking out for about a minute, deep in thought, before he'd said—
“Oh, I know.”
It isn't clear in his memory how he'd come up with the idea—he thinks maybe he had been caught up with Changbin recently telling him all about his first kiss with Chaeyoung. He'd made it seem like such a big deal that Hyunjin had been curious.
He also doesn't completely recall how he'd managed enough courage to actually bring it up, but somehow he had managed to silence all the usually deafening second thoughts in his head, because what he does truly remember—vividly, at that—are Seungmin's lips, soft and little chapped; hesitant yet just as eager to explore.
Before then, right until that moment, Hyunjin had only considered kissing girls, but Seungmin was right there, and kissing his friend had felt comfortable; a little weird, but mostly nice, and just right.
They didn't talk about it after, in fact they didn't talk at all for an entire week, until Hyunjin dragged Seungmin to the roof of the school one afternoon, after class. He'd meant for them to just talk—Seungmin had always been a good listener, no matter what was troubling Hyunjin, so he's never hesitated to open up to Seungmin whenever necessary. He figured that wouldn't change, even if his current trouble involved being upset that there had been radio silence between them.
What happened instead was they made out on the rooftop, unable to pull away from each other until they almost ran out of breath, and they finally had to stop.
They had stayed quiet until Seungmin suddenly said, as if just needing to break the tense silence, “I'm hungry, let's get kimchi jjigae.”
Hyunjin gets girlfriends after that—he gets confessed to a lot, and he always did have a chronic problem with saying no; Seungmin, meanwhile, gets into a relationship that lasts for exactly a hundred and fifteen days. All that, and they don't stop what they've started—they just get into it even more, from uncertain make-out sessions, to clumsy hand jobs, to messy blow jobs.
Needless to say, they become really good at keeping secrets.
The first time they actually have sex (with each other anyway, because Hyunjin already had sex with a girl one year their senior at least a year before that, and Seungmin had done it with his girlfriend just before they had broken up three months prior) was when they find out they'll be going to the same university.
It hadn't been the best experience, and it was definitely nothing like what they've already done before—it was messier, clumsier, and Hyunjin had kept whining dramatically about more lube, fuck, damnit, that HURTS, and neither of them really knew exactly what they were supposed to do.
But afterwards Seungmin had fallen asleep next to Hyunjin. “Wake me up in an hour,” he had said, “I need to go home.”
And that would have been it, because Hyunjin was just as tired and ready to fall into slumber, but Seungmin just had to add, thoughtless and clearly lost in the haze of post-coital afterglow, “It'll get better eventually.”
Eventually. An implicit promise of a next time.
That was when Hyunjun realised— this, whatever this is, had escalated into something more than either of them had signed up for, and that he will never be able to give up on Seungmin easily.
Hyunjin falls asleep after Seungmin leaves him, and he doesn't wake up until five hours later. It's already early evening and he kind of hates himself for acting like this over Seungmin—he briefly wonders if every other girl he'd broken up with, if every other girl he'd run out on, had acted like this. If they had felt like this, like everything is closing in on them, like the hardest thing to do in life at any given moment was get out of bed.
He wants to think maybe not, hopefully not, because this feeling sucks, and he at least wants to believe he has always known how to treat ladies properly. Minho told him once that if he wanted to stop ending relationships, then he should stop dating girls that he wasn't really interested in, but his problem with saying no had never fixed itself, and Minho just didn't understand—how could he when he was in annoyingly healthy relationship with someone who was proud and happy and content to be with Minho, as much as Minho was proud and happy and content to be with him? (Sometimes Hyunjin likes to pretend that he regrets introducing Jisung to Minho, but he's really happy for them, if a bit envious.)
Anyway—break-ups are break-ups, and being dumped is being dumped whether or not the relationship had actually been a relationship, and suddenly he feels even worse, thinking about all the hearts he realises he has broken.
“I don't want to feel like this,” he groans, sitting up. “I need to get out,” he mutters to himself.
As if on cue, there's a buzzing at the door, and when he checks the intercom, he's greeted with Jisung's bright, smiling face.
“Hwang Hyunjin! We're watching a movie,” he says, and behind him Hyunjin spots a bored looking Minho. “Come join us!” There's a pause, and presumably because Hyunjin still hasn't moved to buzz them up, Jisung adds, “Minho-hyung is treating!”
“Oi!” Minho is quick to hit Jisung's arm, but he doesn't actually say anything to refute the latter's statement. “You look like absolute crap,” he bluntly adds instead, as he eyes Hyunjin through the small screen. “So go and get ready quickly—Changbin's meeting us at the theater.”
Hyunjin can't help but smile; Jisung is being obtrusive, Minho is being gruff, and Changbin is trying to remove himself from the narrative for as much as he can—all that and Hyunjin somehow feels comforted by their antics anyway. They're here after all, here for him, and for all that he fake whines about their friendship, he's extremely grateful to have them all in his life.
“Okay,” Hyunjin says, a tiny smile on his face as he finally buzzes them in. “Come on up, I'll have to take a shower first.”
Hyunjin feels better for the next four hours—just enough time to finish a funny movie and have a hefty meal, all paid for by Minho, just like Jisung had declared.
But then it's time to go home, and the smile on his face starts fading again.
“Hyunjin,” Changbin tells him, elbowing his side playfully after Jisung and Minho have gotten off their train station. “Chin up!”
He goes back the longest with Changbin, longer than even with Seungmin, and the older male has always been able to tell when Hyunjin could be feeling better. He's not a man of many words when it comes to providing solace, but the way he tries to give him as much comfort as he can with a smile—it makes Hyunjin free that he at least has to try and feel better.
When he gets off his station, he still feels like crap.
Seungmin is waiting for him in the hallway when he gets home, sitting cross-legged on the floor across the door to his apartment; Hyunjin has to use up all of his remaining energy to make sure he keeps an unaffected expression—quite a challenge considering the automatic leap his heart makes the moment he lays eyes on the other.
“What are you doing here?” he deadpans as he unlocks his front door.
Seungmin just shrugs, waiting to be let in. Hyunjin leaves the door open after him, and Seungmin follows him inside.
“I told you I'm done,” Hyunjin says as Seungmin closes the door behind him. “You know when I say things, I always mean it.”
That's not exactly a hundred percent accurate, if only because Hyunjin tends to overthink every decision he makes, but he'd like to think that ultimately he's a man of his word.
Seungmin nods anyway, and then he says, completely off-tangent from the point Hyunjin is trying to make, “I was with another guy earlier.”
His words make something turn in Hyunjin's stomach.
“A guy?” Hyunjin asks, his forehead creasing. Not a girl? are the words unsaid.
Seungmin shrugs.
“Who was it? Felix?” Hyunjin asks, his expression unchanging, despite the uncomfortable twisting that persists in his gut. Felix is a friend that Seungmin made in university—someone he got really close with in a very short amount of time, short enough that Hyunjin can't help the pangs of jealousy he feels whenever Seungmin brings him up. The worst part, though, is that Felix is the sweetest guy in the world, and Hyunjin couldn't bring himself to hate him, even when he tries. “You know what?” He continues instead, because the less he knows, the better—probably. “I don't really want to know. I'm tired of this Seungmin.”
Seungmin doesn't say anything at first, causing Hyunjin to let out an annoyed sigh.
“But what is this?” Seungmin finally asks, his tone rising just a little.
“Why are you asking me?” Hyunjin returns, frustrated.
“Because you're the one talking about being tired of this, like I've wronged you somehow, when I just want to get laid!”
Hyunjin gawks, eyes bulging in complete shock at the uncharacteristic vulgarity of Seungmin's words. It lights a fire in him, though, with a myriad of competing thoughts and emotions rushing through him at once, and he finds himself snapping— hard.
“See, that's just it, you only want to fuck, and it's been years but we still have no idea what the hell this is because YOU NEVER WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!”
It's Seungmin's turn to be shocked into silence, which is unsurprising considering this is the first time that Hyunjin has ever raised his voice at him. For the first time since they've known each other, Seungmin looks like he has absolutely no idea what to say or do.
“I'm going to just go,” Seungmin finally says, sighing and looking so uncharacteristically dejected, like he's a part of some television drama that Hyunjin would probably enjoy crying to, but definitely one Seungmin wouldn't really want to watch, much less want to be in.
“Don't,” Hyunjin finds himself reacting automatically, as he meets Seungmin's eyes. “Don't leave—” They both hold eye contact, and Hyunjin can almost physically feel the tension in the air getting thicker. “Unless—is that it? Do you really want to leave now?”
There's more silence, and it's only after Seungmin finally averts his gaze that he shakes his head, and Hyunjin is able to release the breath he'd been holding.
“What do you want, Seungmin?” Hyunjin asks quietly.
“What do you want?” Seungmin hisses back.
“I asked first—” Hyunjin points out, only to be cut off by Seungmin.
“Don't be childish,” He says, and there's a tired, unfamiliar bite to it that makes Hyunjin balk. He opens his mouth to apologise, but Seungmin keeps going, “Of course I don't want to leave, Hyunjin. I don't want to end things between us, I don't want to be with anybody else.”
Once again, Hyunjin is shocked into silence, and once again, their eyes make direct contact.
“I don't want to be with anybody else,” Seungmin repeats, as if trying to check his own conviction. Hyunjin swallows, wanting to say that he feels the same, but Seungmin doesn't look done, so he waits. “I'm just,” and this is when Seungmin once again looks away. “I don't know what you want, Hyunjin. And maybe I could have just made that clear but—” He inhales deeply, and Hyunjin's heart skips a beat thanks to nerves. “I think I just wasn't ready to face my feelings for you because I didn't know if you felt them too. So I didn't want to admit that I have something with you,” he mumbles, an embarrassed flush creeping up his cheeks.
“I don't want anyone else either,” Hyunjin whispers, and Seungmin lifts his head, looking surprised. Hyunjin can't help but feel pained at that—had he been so opaque with his own feelings? He supposes he has been the one consistently dating around, so he can't really blame Seungmin for his uncertainty—and now he feels sick because all this time, he'd only been thinking about his feelings, with little consideration for Seungmin's side. “But—” because despite Seungmin's apparently understandable reservations, he still feels so much hurt. “But this last year, it has felt like I was your secret friend ,” Hyunjin carefully explains. “I don't care if we don't tell anyone yet about us—especially since we don't even know what that means yet, but the thing is, you go out, and you play with your other friends, and it's like I don't exist until we're in bed together. We were best friends before we—before I—” he sighs, “before things got complicated, Seungmin.”
Seungmin stares at him, something undefinable in his eyes—fondness, maybe. He isn't sure, and Hyunjin can only hope it isn't anything akin to pity.
“I want my best friend back,” Hyunjin whimpers, only to hate how he sounds to his own ears—pathetic and weak, and so he clears his throat and stands up to his full height, doing what he can to gather every drop of courage he has available. “I want you, in whatever capacity you want to allow me.”
“I'm sorry,” Seungmin apologises, and then he actually manages a smile that brings Hyunjin some warmth. He thinks this is the first time he's ever heard those words from Seungmin, at least directed at him. “I was afraid because I didn't know what you wanted so I shut you out—not that that's any excuse.” He exhales slowly. “And nothing really happened with Felix earlier. Except him trying to cheer me up because I told him what happened with you. I think—I was just being spiteful. He told me I should tell you how I really feel so… I came here.”
Hyunjin bites the inside of his cheek, and damn, he thinks, because he really should work on his jealousy issues, because even now Felix is proving to be nothing but a sweetheart.
“I know when you said you were done, you meant it,” Seungmin says, “but you know I will never say sorry unless I also really mean it.”
Hyunjin's resolve is unraveling at this point, and they both know it. He swallows, stares, and takes a moment before answering. “I'm sorry too, Seungmin. I should have made myself clear from—” —from the beginning, is what he means to say, but the reality is that they were kids when everything between them had started, and neither of them really knew what they were getting into. Hyunjin isn't even sure when his feelings for Seungmin grew into what they are now.
Seungmin looks at him, obviously waiting for clarification on what Hyunjin wants to happen next. “I didn't really mean it either, when earlier I said I just wanted to—” he winces and he mumbles, as if ashamed of his own word usage, “—fuck. I mean, I want to, but I don't want... just that.”
Hyunjin lets out a little laugh. “I don't know what's supposed to happen now,” he admits. The truth is that he just wants to pull Seungmin into his arms, and kiss him senseless and just act like everything is completely fixed; but they've hurt each other, and he knows his own head and heart won't easily get past that no matter how much he wants to. “You said before this isn't really high school anymore.”
“I guess I did,” Seungmin says, looking deflated.
“But that just means we can start over again,” Hyunjin offers with a tiny smile; this is the best they can do, he supposes—and in a way, it's something to look forward to. “Can't we?”
Seungmin breaks out into a grin, looking overjoyed with relief. “You're my best friend, Hyunjin. I don't think I've ever really told you that.”
Hyunjin laughs, and answers, “You've never, but it's okay, because we both know I'm more than just that, and it's not going to be easy to get rid of me.”
Seungmin lifts an eyebrow, looking surprised by Hyunjin's newfound boldness, but he seems quite taken in by the attitude, which only serves to feed into the momentary confidence.
“You—” Seungmin laughs; this time it's hard to ignore the pretty pink spread flush across his cheeks. “You're ridiculous,” he retorts, obviously trying to mirror Hyunjin's attitude and that's how Hyunjin decides it's probably time to shut him up.
They kiss, and Hyunjin decides that the taste of starting over fits his tongue perfectly.
fin.