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“You have my devotion, and my love, till my life leaves this mortal coil.”
Byleth could feel the tears gathering in her eyes at Claude’s words.
“I shall stand beside you through all things, through every joyful moment, and every tear of sorrow.”
His hands clutched hers tighter. Byleth could see the tension in his muscles, her eyes snapping up as Claude stumbled over his words.
“I...I give you my heart. I shall...love and cherish you always.”
Goddess, Byleth cursed herself, she wished those words were meant for her.
/
She kept a pleasant smile on her lips, fooling the entire crowd. They saw an old friend, celebrating in his happiness. There was no hint of what had come before between them. It was as if their night in Derdriu never took place, as if she had not lain against his sheets and in his arms, uncertain of what would come the next day. There were no stolen kisses between meetings or while they discussed their next move. There was no confession at dawn, no exchange of rings.
But if there was not that, then it meant she had never returned his ring when he came back, after he had brought an entire army across the mountains to save her. Such poor timing on her part, but she would not draw it out and let him live in a hope she was planning on shattering. There was no demanding question of if she loved him, and her lying response that she did, but not as he wanted. She had not watched his face twist in disgust as he asked if she would stick to that lie, if this was truly what she wanted. It meant that he had not returned her own ring in anger at her denial.
But that ring hung on a chain around her neck, a heavy burden she could not bear to put down.
She watched him now, across the crowded room, as he smiled and greeted his guests. She watched the defined muscles of his broad back, a sight familiar as he had walked away from her. “If you change your mind, I’ll take that ring back.” She laughed softly at herself, hand unconsciously grabbing the chain. It seemed that was no longer true.
But Byleth had made her choice. Claude would grow old and she would not. Byleth could not watch that love he held for her turn to resentment. She had sacrificed a moment of happiness, weighing it against the lifetime of misery she would give him in return, and removed herself from him. It was best this way.
Claude turned and their eyes met, the rest of the unimportant world falling away. Byleth felt her breath catch in her throat, and terror filled her as Claude began to move in her direction. It seemed like a lifetime before he reached her, Byleth a doe frozen before an approaching predator.
“You came,” was Claude’s simple greeting.
Byleth nodded her head, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “I did.”
Silence fell between them. It was uncomfortable, the complete opposite of the times they lay together in his bed, silently seeing to their own work. Byleth found herself reaching for her mantle as Queen, donning the mask she wore that got her through the day.
"She makes a beautiful bride," Byleth whispered, forcing herself not to flinch as Claude's emerald eyes narrowed. The weight of the returned ring hung heavy around her neck, tightening each second his attention was on her. If she did not flee soon, the noose would become unbearable.
“She could have been you,” Claude whispered back, that old anger flaring to life. But before Byleth could respond it melted away. Claude shook his head, and when he met her eyes again it was with the same lying smile she wore. “Thank you for coming. I look forward to a prosperous future between our countries.”
“As do I.” Her voice was even and smooth, but Byleth had to force the words from her throat.
Claude dipped his head in a low bow, taking a step back from her. The world came back, the sounds of laughter and drinking ringing hollow in her ears. “If you will excuse me, Your Majesty, I must see to my other guests.”
“Of course. Congratulations on your wedding, King Khalid.”
Before he fully turned from her, Byleth caught the flinch in Claude’s face. He looked as if she had just slapped him across the face.
Her eyes stayed glued to him as he rejoined his bride, taking both of her hands in his and raising them to his lips.
Byleth turned and fled, unable to watch any longer. She ran into the night air, pulling at the chain that held her cloak closed. She could not breathe. No matter how hard she dragged air into her lungs, she could not breathe. Her nails dragged against her throat, tearing the collar of her dress away from her skin. It was choking her.
She could not breathe.
She could not breathe.
Goddess, Sothis, please.
Byleth finally felt the air in her lungs as it left her in a racked sob. At some point she had sunk against a wall, hidden away in the shadows. She pulled her knees up to her chest and dropped her head, muffling her cries.
This one moment was all she would allow herself. She had made her choice. She would not trap him. This was for the best.
/
Ten years since the defeat of Nemesis. Almost two of which Claude had spent as a married man.
Byleth had not seen him since she had run from his wedding, but as a hero of the war, Claude was expected to make an appearance. It was also good for the politics of their respective countries if Claude and Byleth were seen to still be friendly with one another.
Nobles milled about in the garden that overlooked the sea. It was more a greeting than a party, old friends catching up before the ceremonies tomorrow. At some point, Asha, Claude’s pretty little bride, dropped into a seat next to her.
“I am sorry to intrude,” the other queen said. Byleth had to hand it to her, if she were not used to Claude’s falseness, Asha might very well have fooled her. “It is hard to stay on my feet for long lately.”
“No intrusion,” Byleth assured her, eyes dropping to Asha’s hands where they caressed her swollen belly. “Please, take what time you need to rest.”
When she lifted her head, Byleth caught Claude staring at her, eyes flicking between her and his wife. Goddess, she lost herself in those eyes. So easily the rest of the world became unimportant when his attention was on her.
“You know,” Asha drawled, and Byleth could hear her true reason for choosing a seat next to her resting on the other woman’s lips, “he can take you as a mistress. He can love you, or whatever it is that is going on between the two of you, but I am the one to give him a child.”
Asha’s golden eyes glared at her, and Byleth forced her attention away from the dream that had briefly flickered through her mind. It was not jealousy in Asha’s gaze, more a protectiveness as she hugged her stomach.
“There is nothing between us.”
Asha snorted and shook her head. “Even a blind man could see the way you two look at each other. Do not misunderstand, I know what I am to him. He cares for me, but there is no love lost between the two of us. But I will burn the world to protect this child.”
Byleth drew in a heavy breath and shook her head. “You misjudge him,” she said softly. “There is nothing, nor will there ever be, anything between us. He would not do that to you. He would not do that to your son.”
Asha blinked back at her before her gaze dropped to her stomach. “You...you sounded strange, when you said he is a son. Is that simply a guess?” she asked.
“Perhaps,” Byleth answered. She was not sure why she had said son. She was not sure why she could so easily see Claude parading around with a little boy sitting on his shoulders. Goddess, her heart ached.
“No matter what,” she continued, voice even softer, “he will love your child. You could not have a better father for your children.”
Asha stared at her, the aggression gone from her gaze. She looked like she did not know what to make of Byleth anymore. And so Byleth stood, excusing herself from the Queen’s presence, and losing herself within the maze of hallways.
That night Byleth returned to her room, the one that had once belonged to Claude. The one in which he had whispered I love you for the first time and she had fallen into his bed, the one she had claimed as her own.
She dreamt of a little girl, with copper skin and bouncing black curls. She dreamt of her laughter and the way her emerald eyes shone brightly. She dreamt of her child running into her father’s arms and holding on tight, of his own proud smile, the same cocky tilt on their lips.
She dreamt of a child that would never be.
/
A rattling breath echoed in her ears as she stepped over the threshold. Her chest tightened and she froze, one more a frightened doe before a vengeful predator. But she was not the prey. She was never to be this hunter’s prey. No, death was stalking the man who had always held her unbeating heart.
Who held it even now.
She could feel it in the corners of the room, an entity that would never itself touch her, but who would take everything from her in the end. It was in these moments Byleth felt she could understand Rhea better. She waved off the few servants that lingered in the corners of the room, waiting until it was she, and Claude, and Death alone in the room.
"For a moment there I felt young again."
Claude smiled at her as Byleth stopped at the side of his bed, his laughter quickly turning into a rough cough that shook his entire body. Byleth sat on the edge of the bed, slipping her hand into his own. Claude immediately took it, holding on as tightly as he could.
“Would you like me to get you some water?” Byleth asked once the coughing fit had passed.
Claude shook his head, and refused to let go of her. “No, no, I prefer for you to stay right here.”
Byleth hummed lightly, squeezing his hand in a silent assurance that she was not going anywhere. “Where is everyone?” she asked.
“The throne room, I imagine,” Claude answered. She could see him fighting to keep his eyes open. “Asha is determined the throne goes to our son. She is moving before someone can try to claim it through force.” He sighed heavily, head dropping to the side to better look at her. “No one has a use for a king whose time is done.”
Byleth held his hand, glaring at his words as if they were tangible things to offend her. She understood what Asha was trying to accomplish, knew that the transition between rulers could be a volatile time, but she would not forgive them for leaving Claude alone. He had done so much for them, and yet they left him here.
“I’m glad you came,” Claude whispered. Each rattling breath drew that dark presence closer, but Byleth was determined to hold on as long as possible. “I wanted to see you again.”
“Of course I came,” Byleth said, unsure of what else to say. Usually she would remain silent, but Claude deserved her words.
He sighed heavily, laying his other hand on top of where Byleth held his, weathered hand caressing her. "Byleth, please. Tell me the truth," Claude whispered. Byleth could see him physically struggle against each word, but she could not bring herself to stop him. There was little time left, and Claude von Riegan, Khalid, King of Almyra, did not deserve to go in silence.
And then he asked the question Byleth feared. "Did you ever love me?"
"I have always loved you." Truth.
But Claude did not respond how Byleth expected. She watched his eyes widen. Saw reflected in those emeralds the long years they had missed.
All the kisses they could have shared.
The stolen moments where they shared an inside joke.
The nights they would have spent wrapped in each others’ arms.
And Byleth broke. She could not let his life end in regret. She broke her silent promise to herself, that she would not lie to him now when the end was so near. "I love you as I love all the Deer. You taught me how to feel. You were my first friend, and you believed in me for myself when others wanted to use me." A lie. A truth, and another truth.
A noise Byleth thought could be a laugh transformed into a cough, Claude's chest shaking with the illness that gripped him. A gasping breath sucked in before he could answer. "I wanted to use you too."
"True," Byleth agreed. She dipped the damp cloth back into the basin, cool water soaking her hands as she wrung it back out. Claude sighed as she placed the cloth against his forehead. Byleth froze, waiting for his next breath before she continued. "But that was not what I was to you in the end."
Claude hummed, eyes closing as he leaned into her touch.
"I'll tell you a secret though, so long as you promise not to tell the other Deer," Byleth whispered, leaning closer so her head was bowed over him as if they were planning some conspiracy.
Claude forced one eye open, and Byleth refused to hide her smile upon seeing the mischief in it. Goddess, he looked so young to her. He winked at her, flashing that charming grin. "You can count on me, Teach. I can keep my lips sealed."
Byleth giggled, continuing to dab at Claude's sweat soaked forehead. "You were always my favorite."
"Knew it." And for a moment Claude's voice was as clear and smooth as when he was twenty-three and in charge of an entire army.
His eyes dropped closed again. An easy silence fell between them, and Byleth thought that perhaps Claude had fallen asleep, until another of those terrible rattling breaths dragged its way into his lungs.
"By."
Byleth bit her lip to hold back her choked sob. She knew it was easier to say, that Claude was simply trying to say what he needed to before the end. But he had not called her that since he had asked her, voice shaking with anger, if she was joking, if she really was returning his ring and denying she loved him. She could still remember the first time he had called her that; limbs tangled together as he kissed her forehead, basking in the glow of their success with the Roundtable as Derdriu's night air drifted in the pleasant scent of salt and lilies. Goddess, why did she always linger on that moment? On that night that had seemed so perfect?
"By, I need you to promise me something."
"Anything," Byleth answered without hesitation. She would give him this. Whatever he asked of her, Byleth would see it through.
Another shaking breath, that terrible sound that continued to destroy her with each round. "Protect my son. Help him. Asha is all shadows and plots, but he needs more than that. He will need those shadows too, but...He needs a sword to cut his path, and a shield to guard him."
Byleth squeezed his hand, cutting off the words she knew were paining him to speak. "Of course, Claude. Of course. I shall watch over him."
Claude sighed, as if Byleth had just taken a weight off his shoulders. “Thank you. He...His heart is so pure, I worry about what the court will do to him. It means the world to me that I can leave him in your hands.”
Byleth turned her head, clasping her free hand over her mouth to cover the sudden sob. Her hand caught against the chain she still wore, pulling the ring she had once given him free of where it rested against the hollow of her throat. She forced deep breaths into her lungs, forcing herself to calm down.
“Byleth,” Claude whispered, drawing her attention back, “this may be cruel of me to say, to leave you with this, but I wouldn’t have regretted it. Even if you didn’t grow old with me, I would have loved you well. I would have been happy.”
Byleth stared at Claude with wide eyes. She was not sure if she was breathing. She could feel her lungs expanding, the awful ache in her chest, but she felt frozen. The world moved around her, but Byleth was not a part of it.
Claude clasped her hand. It broke her. That light touch that took all his strength. There was such sorrow in his eyes.
He raised Byleth’s hand to his lips, giving the inside of her wrist a barely there kiss.
“I love you.”
His breath rattled out. Byleth waited for the next one, but the room had grown ominously silent. His chest no longer moved, and the light had fled from those always clever eyes.
Byleth panicked. She had thought she was ready, thought the long years alone was enough preparation. She knew she would lose him, she had always known that. But she had made a mistake, and now it was too late.
No. No, such things were never too late for her.
“I love you.”
But how did one stop death?
“I love you.”
She had to think of something.
“I love you.”
“Claude! Please!”
“I love you.”
“Khalid!”
“I love you. Please don’t cry, By.”
“I love you.”
She squeezed his hand too tightly, begging him not to go.
“I love you.”
None of the powers Sothis had gifted her could make him stay.
“I love you.”
She would find a way.
“I love-”
She cut him off with a kiss, trying to physically transfer some vestige of the goddess’ power to him.
“I love you.”
“No, no, please don’t go.”
“I love you.”
Why did nothing work?
“I love you.”
“Don’t leave me.”
“By, stop it. Let me go.”
Byleth lifted her head, cheeks stained with tears. There was a soft smile on his lips, the same one he had worn when she lay in his arms all those years ago.
He knew.
He had always known.
She could see the truth of it in his eyes. He loved her, and not for one second had he ever doubted her, not even when she pushed him away.
“It’s okay, By,” he whispered. Goddess, he was in so much pain, hanging on just to reassure her.
“Let me go.”
His lips brushed against her wrist.
“I love you.”
A strangled sob tore its way from Byleth’s throat, full of grief and rage and loss, although those words all felt so strangely inadequate.
It would be selfish of her, but she still had enough power left for another try. She could try once more, but what would she do with those few precious seconds besides make him suffer? She would need to go back further than that to undo all the harm she had caused.
Would she rip the very heavens apart? Shatter the threads of time to fix a mistake made so long ago?
She could.
She could...
Claude was the first of the Deer Byleth buried.
Byleth watched as the flame from the torch she held caught against the wood of the pyre, licking at the fine clothes they had lain him out in. A small hand pressed against her own, a little girl with dark curls and eyes of emeralds. And Byleth, her heart skipping a beat as the fire illuminated his face, stood regal and proud with all the years of happiness they had shared reflected in the laughter lines around her eyes.