Chapter Text
"And this is... dandelion?"
"No, Hollykit. That's milkweed."
"Oh." Hollykit stared at the milkweed, ears drooping. Why can't I ever get it right? she wondered, spearing the roots on her claw.
"Honey, no!" Leafpool batted her paws away. "Don't pierce the roots, the sap will leak out... oh, dear. We don't have very much in stock, I hope it's still salvageable..."
As Leafpool bent over the milkweed roots, Hollykit shrank back towards the door. Everyone knew that Leafpool had only taken Hollykit on because no other apprentices would even consider being a medicine cat. With her lack of talent, Hollykit would never have even made it past the door otherwise. At first, she'd taken it as a challenge; before the moon was over, Hollykit would prove to everyone that she deserved to the medicine cat apprentice! Except... it hadn't worked out that way.
I can't get anything right, Hollykit thought miserably. It's almost been an entire moon and I don't even have the basics memorized. I'm supposed to be the medicine cat! The entire clan is depending on me! If I can't even tell milkweed from dandelion, I've failed them all.
Suddenly, Hollykit couldn't stand to be in the den any longer. Ignoring Leafpool's cry of surprise, she turned tail and fled from the den. The dawn patrol was just coming in, so the camp was full of milling warriors. Hollykit gritted her teeth and sprinted through their midst.
Blossomfall yelped as Hollykit plowed past her, and Spiderleg oofed when she drove a sharp elbow into his gut. I'm sorry! Hollykit wailed internally. Even when I'm not trying, I still hurt my clanmates. There's no option left but to leave.
At last, she broke free of the crowd and scrambled out of camp. All the border patrols were in camp, and the hunting patrols were all on the lake side. There was nothing but trees between her and the Twolegplace. Feeling heartsick, she looked back at the camp one last time. Goodbye, mom. Goodbye, dad. Goodbye, Cinderkit and Leafpool. Thank you for being kind to me, I know I didn't deserve it. Maybe, some day, we'll meet again.
Turning her back on her beloved clan, Hollykit plunged into the wildnerness. Each step was a torment, drawing her further and further from her kin. But this was necessary; sacrifice was necessary sometimes, and if that sacrifice was her - for the good of the clan, she would offer herself up on the pyre. Even if that sacrifice tore her heart in two.
"Hollykit!"
Maybe they would remember her, maybe they wouldn't. Perhaps they would think of her at first - something to be whispered in clandestine gossip, spoken with fear and pity and a sad resignation. Later, her name would simply fade away. Only those closest to her would remember her, and hold her name tucked safely in their hearts, long after the rest of the clan had forgotten it.
"Hollykit?"
After they passed on, however, there would be no one left to remember her. One by one, they would fall, and Hollykit's memory would fade day by day until the last one was gone. Her story, untold, would trickle into the soft, welcoming soil and vanish forever, lost and forgotten in the annals of history. The story of the sacrifice - one so bravely offered up by a kit, for her vast love for the clan - would-
"Hollykit, you tiny stupid fleas-for-brains-rabbit, what in Thunderstar's sweet name do you think you're doing?"
Hollykit, cut off in the midst of her contemplations, looked up. Cinderkit slapped her across the face.
"Don't you go running off like that, you scared the mouse-dung out of us! Blossomfall said she almost broke her ankle tripping over you! What were you thinking?"
Hollykit touched her face gingerly. It hurt. "It was- it was necessary," she said, tearing up.
Cinderkit considered this. "How necessary? Like fate-of-the-clans necessary? Or all the juniper berries need to be the same color necessary?"
"Thunderclan's fate hangs in the balance," Hollykit told her earnestly. Of all the cats in Thunderclan, Cinderkit was the one she trusted to see it clearly. "I must go, Cinderkit. Give my regards to my parents-"
"Why, though?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you have to leave?"
"Oh." Hollykit tried to remember why, realized she couldn't, and re-walked through her entire path that day until she remembered the entire terrible episode with the milkweed. "Oh, Cinderkit! It was horrible!" she threw herself on her friend's shoulder, weeping bitterly. "I couldn't - Leafpool said - it was milkweed," she sobbed.
"Okay," said Cinderkit, rubbing circles on Hollykit's back with her paw. "It's alright, cry if you need to. I'm sure we'll get all this sorted out right away. Once you're done, tell me what happened?"
Hollykit shook her head wildly, sending drops of snot and tears everywhere. "I can't! It's unfixable! Cinderkit, I'm a- a- I'm a horrible medicine cat!"
"I'm sure you're much better than you think," Cinderkit said reasonably. "You fixed up my paw pretty well the other day. It looked so professional, and you're not even an apprentice yet!"
Hollykit glowed with pride, but the much greater issue was still there. "But Cinderkit, I couldn't tell the difference between milkweed and dandelion. Milkweed and dandelion! They look nothing alike! If I gave a cat milkweed instead of dandelion for a cough, I could kill them!"
She expected Cinderkit to be just as stunned by this horrifying revelation, but Cinderkit simply tilted her head. "But you won't," she pointed out. "Leafpool will be there to make sure you don't make any mistakes, and by the time you're doing it solo, you'll know all the herbs by heart!"
"But what if I don't?" Hollykit wailed.
"You will," Cinderkit said. She practically radiated confidence, as though there was only one truth in this world and it was that Hollykit was an utterly fantastic medicine cat.
Some of that confidence couldn't help but rub off on Hollykit. "Well, maybe," she sniffled, rubbing away the tears. "Thanks, Cinderkit. For being so patient with me."
Cinderkit nudged her comfortingly. "No problem. Hey, I think I'm getting better at this!"
"Yeah. You weren't very good the first four times."
"But the fifth time, I aced it."
"That was the time you accidentally implied Firestar would throw me out and I made it to the border before you caught up again."
"Yeah, well..." Cinderkit seemed discomfited for about half a second before bouncing back again. "I give the best peptalks of all time, and that's what counts!"
Hollykit sniffled again and nodded fervently.
"Now," Cinderkit added, clapping her on the back, "You need to get down to camp and apologize for making Leafpool worry. And to Spiderleg for elbowing him. But probably not to Blossomfall, 'cause she's a jerk."
"You're right." Hollykit stared at her paws. "But how can she ever forgive me?"
Cinderkit smiled. "Oh, don't worry. I think she will."
...
The medicine cat den was dark and cool after so long outdoors and it took Hollykit's eyes a moment to adjust. Towards the back of the den, Leafpool's hunched shoulders loomed large and daunting in the gloom.
Hollykit swallowed. "Leafpool?"
Leafpool startled and raised her head. "Oh, there you are! I couldn't find you anywhere."
A wave of guilt washed over her. Hollykit dropped her gaze to the ground, unable to meet the medicine cat's eyes. "I'm- I'm sorry, Leafpool," she said in a rush. "I know I'm no good as a medicine cat, and I can't tell the herbs apart, and every time I get something wrong I run away, and-"
A wall of fur enveloped her, cutting off her stammering apology with a warm embrace. Hollykit blinked, confused, before squeaking in surprise when Leafpool swiped a tongue across her ears.
"Don't be sorry, honey," Leafpool told her softly, drawing Hollykit closer. "You're not even a medicine cat apprentice yet- no one expects you to remember everything. And even when you become my apprentice, I'll be here for you, so you don't have to worry about getting it wrong the first time."
Hollykit went very still. "When I become...?"
The warm flank beside her went abruptly rigid. "Oh! Only if you still to, of course," Leafpool said quickly. "I wouldn't want to pressure you, or anything," she hesitated, but when Hollykit looked up, Leafpool's eyes were warm. "But for what it's worth, I'd be honored to mentor you."
Hollykit gasped. Even after all my failures... she still believes in me? "Yes!" she squeaked. "Oh my Starclan, yes! You're sure it's- I can really-?"
Leafpool purred. "I'll have to let Firestar know, but I'm sure he'll allow it. Everyone knows how good you are at healing, after all."
Hollykit almost corrected her - that morning alone posed a hefty contradiction - but Cinderkit's absolute confidence flashed through her mind, and she narrowed her eyes. "I'm gonna be the best medicine cat ever," she vowed instead.
A soft sigh gusted over the fluff of her ears, and above her, Leafpool smiled. If she'd looked up, she'd have seen Leafpool's mouth curl into a sad, bittersweet smile. "I know you will, Holly."