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The preparations for every performance are gruelling. Yu Yan has always been the type to actively seek a challenge and rise far above it, pushing herself to the limits. This is where she thrives, off adrenaline and the relentless grind of 17 hour days and more. It’s what she’s trained for, over the past four years, ever since her first shot at success was crushed. That doesn’t mean she isn’t tempted to just push it all aside, even for a moment, and feel the weight of the last five months lift from off her shoulders.
Everyone here knows that itching desire to succumb, the kind that attaches itself to their most burning ambitions and tries to pull them down. Yu Yan is the type of person to find motivation and press on, determination and grit propelling her to the highest standards.
Someone who pushes her to such a level is Zeng Keni. Spurred on even more by Keni’s supportive messages and speeches, Yu Yan trains the hardest she ever has in her whole life. Constantly playing back Keni’s words in her mind, “ you’re always number one in my heart”, Yu Yan drives herself, determined to reach the top. She reads letters of encouragement from fans, listens to praise heaped on her from mentors and trainees, but the one person she always comes back to is Keni.
“Do you think I’ll make it?” Yu Yan asks Keni one night, watching as Keni munches through a packet of snacks. They’re sat on Yu Yan’s bunk, instead of their usual spot in Keni’s dorm. There’s a lack of interruption here, especially at this time of night, when they’d usually be surrounded by Liu Lingzi and the rest of Keni’s excitable dorm-mates.
“Of course you will,” Keni replies, without hesitation.
What Yu Yan doesn’t ask is whether they’ll make it together. She knows that Keni’s likely been waiting for her to bring it up ever since they first started spending this much time together, knows that she’s skirted around the topic countless times. Yet still she’s afraid to initiate the conversation.
It’s something that’s infuriated Dai Meng for several weeks. She’s taken to nudging Yu Yan incessantly, urging her to approach Keni about it. “You have to discuss it soon,” is Dai Meng’s argument. “Don’t make it a big deal. Keni will understand, I know her.”
Funnily enough, Yu Yan’s known Keni longer, but she never brings that into contention with Dai Meng, not seeing a need to do so. She often watches Keni laughing with Dai Meng, the two of them falling about all over the place in hysterics. Sometimes Dai Yanni is with them, the trio acting like a bunch of troublemakers.
After one afternoon where Yu Yan catches sight of Dai Meng and Yanni emerging from the upstairs balcony, hair dishevelled and lipstick smeared, she runs straight to Keni. She finds her in one of the practice rooms, going over choreography.
“Did you know about Dai Meng and Yanni?” she queries, impatient to hear Keni’s answer.
Keni blinks back at her, eyebrows shooting up. “What do you mean?”
“If they’re together,” Yu Yan clarifies. “Just that you spend a lot of time with them, so, you know. I thought maybe they told you.”
“Oh, there’s definitely something there,” Keni says, chuckling a little. “They’re not great at keeping secrets, huh? They didn’t even have to say anything for me to figure it out.”
Yu Yan drops her gaze to the floor. “You seem to know a lot," she says, suddenly shy.
Keni makes a sound of amusement, regarding Yu Yan fondly. “I do," she says. "I feel like we're the opposite there. Did you know that Dai Meng keeps asking me whether you've pieced it together yet?"
Flustered, Yu Yan keeps avoiding Keni's eyes. "I didn't," she replies.
"So I have to be the one to say it first?" Keni says, acting exasperated. She grins. "You know how I feel about you, I can tell."
“Shut up,” Yu Yan mumbles, swatting at Keni playfully. She can’t quite take it in just yet, trying to process.
“Please, you know it already,” Keni says.
“Zeng Keni, you’re really the worst,” Yu Yan sighs, before she’s tugging at the collar of Keni’s shirt and leaning in to kiss her.
Keni’s hand slips around her neck, drawing her in even closer. They’re hesitant at first, too cautious, but then something shifts and Yu Yan drops a hand to Keni’s waist, fingers scratching at the hem of her shirt, heat pooling in her stomach.
It’s a wonder nobody bursts into the room to shatter the moment.
Yu Yan likes what Keni brings out in her.
When she’s around Keni, she finds herself growing softer, relaxing into a slower pace, letting go more. Outside of the practice room, Yu Yan loses her sternness, and allows herself to step away from the pressures of training and performances.
In rehearsals and segments for the episodes, Keni pushes her buttons, teasing her whenever the opportunity arises, providing endless entertainment for the rest of the girls. Yu Yan takes it all on board, winding Keni up in return, enjoying the distraction it provides from the toil of the day. When Keni mocks her height, Yu Yan feigns annoyance, all the while struggling to bite back a fond smile. During the arm wrestling match with Fei Quinyan, Keni laughs at the flustered mess that Yu Yan becomes, and her subsequent easy loss.
Whenever they’re alone together, Yu Yan eases into Keni, hands snaking around her waist in an instant, waiting for Keni to stroke her hair and recount stories about her day.
Yu Yan knows she needs to address the long overdue question that occupies every silence between them. Until they talk it over, they’ll be stuck in a stage of denial, and Yu Yan hates the feeling of uncertainty, of the unknown. So she calls Keni to her room after dinner, a little scared.
“You want to talk about something?” Keni asks when they’re settled on Yu Yan’s bed. Instead of being curled up together like usual, they’re sitting opposite each other. Keni reaches for Yu Yan’s hand, intertwining their fingers.
The words just spill right out of Yu Yan’s mouth. “What will we do after this?”
“Whatever you want to do,” Keni says calmly. “I don’t know what it will be like, but if you make it and I don’t, then...we can work something out. It’s not like we won’t be able to call or message.”
“I don’t want that,” Yu Yan says. “I want to see you. What if we have to wait a year, two years?”
Keni smiles, putting on a brave front. “We didn’t see each other for over four years,” she replies. “I know it’s different now, but we’ll be able to handle it. Anyway, I’ll come to all your shows, you know that.”
Yu Yan sucks in a breath, unable to hold back tears. It’s the first time she’s allowed herself to properly cry in front of anyone here, let alone Keni. “If we could just debut together, this would all be so easy,” she chokes.
“We can find a way,” Keni reassures her. “I know you’re scared of what will happen. I’m scared, too.” She shifts closer, rubbing her thumb over Yu Yan’s hand. “We’ll work it out together.”
The practices for the mentor collaboration stage reveal hidden sides of some of the trainees. It provides good fodder for the camera, but Yu Yan feels sorry for how Sun Rui is thrust into the spotlight during rehearsals for the Goodnight Song.
Sun Rui wells up every time they sing, sometimes unable to finish the lines because of how choked up she gets. At first, it seems like it’s only because of the lyrics and the meaning, but most of them can sense that there’s another reason behind it. Sun Rui knows that’s the case, she catches it in Yu Yan’s gentle expression whenever she looks her way. It frustrates her to feel so exposed, she wants nothing more than to go back to her ways of joking and playing around, but the song weighs heavy on her.
After the rehearsal is over, Yu Yan quietly pulls her aside, as everyone files out of the room. She leans in a little, so as to not let anyone overhear.
"If you ever want to talk to me about this stuff, just tell me," she says softly. “I’ll be around.”
Without warning, Sun Rui bursts into tears. Yu Yan is startled, her eyes widening almost comically, before she fishes around in her pockets for anything to hand over as a substitute for a tissue.
Sun Rui hates that she’s crying yet again in front of Yu Yan, wants to put up her guard and force her tears to stop, but she can’t look past the words Yu Yan just spoke. I’ll be around. Sun Rui’s spent most nights since the last ranking thinking about the girls who will make it to the final group, how she’ll eventually have to say goodbye to everyone she’s grown close to over these five months. How Jiaqi won’t be around anymore.
“Come here,” Yu Yan murmurs, pulling Sun Rui close to her, smoothing a hand over her back. It’s the first time they’ve shared a moment like this.
It’s funny, Sun Rui thinks they have something in common, the stoic demeanour in the face of anguish and setbacks, an unwillingness to show their vulnerable sides. She knows how gentle Yu Yan is, behind that unflinching front, how quick she is to encourage and support the girls. Sun Rui’s found herself somewhat envious of Yu Yan before, a feeling that quickly turned into admiration, once she discovered more about Yu Yan through scattered conversations here and there.
They pull apart after a while, and Yu Yan looks over Sun Rui. “We can go somewhere if you want,” she offers. “Maybe get some fresh air, that might help.” She reaches a hand out hesitantly, waiting for Sun Rui to give her a nod before she wipes the tears away gently with the sleeve of her shirt.
Yu Yan takes her to a bench outside the dormitory building, and pulls a bottle of water out of her bag, along with a snack bar, both of which she offers. Sun Rui accepts them gratefully, and devours the bar in an instant. She can tell that Yu Yan is waiting for her to start speaking, so she starts rambling about how she’s going to miss the SNH girls.
They stay like that for an hour or two, exchanging stories about their fellow friends and trainees. By that time, the sun has set and they’re called inside by staff. They part ways outside the dorm rooms, and through a chink in the door, Sun Rui notices a light on in Yu Yan’s room, which she has all to herself. She smiles, knowing who must be in there waiting for Yu Yan.
Being as quiet as possible, Sun Rui sneaks into her own dorm, careful not to let the door slam. She clambers up to her bunk in the dark, not daring to turn on any lights to guide her way. It results in her accidentally knocking a pile of clothing onto the floor, which lands with a big thump. She hears a duvet rustling, and winces.
“Sun Rui?” It’s Jiaqi’s voice, unmistakably.
“Why are you awake?” Sun Rui whispers. There’s even more rustling, and then the bed-frame shakes a little as Jiaqi makes her way up the ladder to join her.
“I missed you tonight,” Jiaqi murmurs, patting around the bed to find where Sun Rui’s lying down. She pulls back the sheets and slips in beside Sun Rui, nestling against her. “Where were you?”
“Talking to Yu Yan,” Sun Rui says, anticipating the chuckle that escapes Jiaqi. “We talked about you.”
Jiaqi hums. “What kind of things?” she asks, her voice drowsy. “They better all be good, or else.”
“Say they were bad,” Sun Rui muses. “What then?”
“Hmm, I’m too sleepy to think of something,” Jiaqi mumbles.
Sun Rui pouts, but in the dark it’s hard for Jiaqi to see. “Does that mean you’re too sleepy for a goodnight?” she whines.
Jiaqi shuffles even closer, bringing a hand up to cup at Sun Rui’s cheek. “No,” she says softly, leaning in slowly to capture her lips. They kiss, unhurried, savouring the moment. Then Jiaqi slides a leg in between Sun Rui’s, eliciting a gasp.
“You’re evil,” Sun Rui groans in between kisses.
The night of the finale ends in a blur.
Yu Yan jumps when Xukun announces her company, and her name is called. Fourth place. 7 million votes. She’s congratulated and hugged from all sides, but she hardly takes it in, too caught up in the thrill of the music, the chanting. Then there’s Keni.
Keni, who rushes over to sweep her up in a tight hug, delight sparkling in her eyes and smile as she grips Yu Yan and blurts out words of encouragement. Keni rubs the back of her head, beaming. Yu Yan wishes she could stay there, but she knows the theme song is beckoning her to stride down the stage, towards the final seats. Reluctantly, Yu Yan slips away from Keni, and makes her way towards the screaming crowd.
She salutes. I will keep shining. I’m still Yu Yan. In her mind’s eye she can picture Keni right now, the grin on her face, eyes shining.
When all the contestants gather on the stage together at the end, Keni finds Yu Yan again in the front row, pushing through the girls to get to her. They clutch at each other, tears falling fast and freely down Keni’s cheeks, as Yu Yan tries her best to wipe them away.
As everyone starts being ushered off the stage, Yu Yan grabs Keni’s hand, not willing to let go. A member of staff gestures at Yu Yan, encouraging her to get backstage. Keni trails along behind her, clinging tight.
Once they’re safely backstage, the staff begin to separate the girls into their companies, then single out the new members of The Nine. Yu Yan looks worriedly at Keni.
“Go, I’ll see you outside,” Keni says, encouraging her to follow Jiaqi and Keyin ahead of them.
“Wait for me there,” Yu Yan says, squeezing Keni’s hand one last time. She presses a kiss to Keni’s cheek sweetly.
Then she’s pushed towards the exit, caught up in the swell of trainees, barely able to scan through the crowd to find Keni again and catch her eye.
Later, when Yu Yan’s told that Keni’s already left for the airport, she doesn’t flinch, already half-expecting it. Jiaqi approaches her carefully, offers a hand to help her up, and pulls her along to the exit where a car is waiting for the nine of them.
Any hopes of a day off are soon crushed the next morning, as they’re eating breakfast. Yu Yan’s spent the night tossing and turning, checking her phone for messages every hour. Even now there’s nothing from Keni still, and Yu Yan is busy worrying her lip, glancing at the dark screen in between bites of food.
A notification light blinks at her suddenly, and Yu Yan snatches up her phone, eager to see what Keni’s sent. Except that it’s a text from Yu Shuxin, who’s sitting directly opposite her. It reads ‘Is it Keni?’
Yu Yan huffs, nods. “How did you know?” she asks in a low voice.
“Just message her,” Shuxin coaxes, reaching out for the phone which lies on the table beside Yu Yan. “Here, I can do it for you. She’s probably been waiting for you to text first.”
Frowning, Yu Yan grabs the phone back from Shuxin. “Who told you?”
Shuxin grins at her. “I just knew something was going on,” she says simply. “You were softer around her.”
Yu Yan shakes her head, sighing. “It was that obvious, huh? Well.” She opens her texts, has to scroll down a fair bit to find Keni, amidst all of the congratulations from friends and family. “Look, I’ll text first.”
“Ask how her flight was,” Shuxin suggests. “Then you should send her a baby photo, that would be so cute!”
Feigning reluctance, Yu Yan follows her instructions, searching through a selection of photos to send to Keni. Afterwards, she puts her phone face down on the table, returning her attention to the plates of food in front of her. She can wait to hear back, starting to focus her mind in preparation for the challenging full day that lies ahead of them.
After hours of dance practice and vocal lessons, Yu Yan collapses on her bed, savouring the precious rest time they have before dinner.
Beside her, Jiaqi lies on her own bed, scrolling through her phone lazily. They’re glad they ended up as roommates, each of them eager to develop their friendship further. Yu Yan always hoped that they would be on the same team for performances, just to see what Jiaqi was like during practice, but all too often they found themselves in separate groups. Now she sees a good chance to get to know Jiaqi better.
“Have you spoken to Keni?” Jiaqi asks out of the blue. She looks nervous posing the question, and Yu Yan feels her heart sink a little at her timid expression.
Yu Yan purses her lips. “No, she hasn’t texted,” she replies. “Even just one word would be nice, but I know I should give her time to get used to everything. I just miss her.” She looks down at the floor, resigned.
“I know what it’s like,” Jiaqi says quietly. “Maybe it sounds crazy, but I think I know how you’re feeling about everything, about Keni.”
Yu Yan’s head snaps up, and she stares at Jiaqi, trying to get a read on her.
“I didn’t have time to see Sun Rui afterwards,” Jiaqi continues, a single tear tracking down one cheek. Yu Yan marvels at just how ethereal Jiaqi looks when she’s crying, wishes she looked the same. “I couldn’t find Dai Meng either, but Sun Rui is just…” She sighs, unable to finish her sentence.
Yu Yan doesn’t tell Jiaqi that she’s caught a glimpse of her with Sun Rui before, stealing a furtive moment after lights out, on the balcony. She refrains from mentioning that she’d been accompanied by Keni, the two of them sneaking off to find a quiet corner alone.
She recalls the look of reverence on Sun Rui’s face in the moonlight, and how Jiaqi’s fingers had brushed against her cheek and lips, before tilting her head to kiss her. That moment had wrenched at Yu Yan’s gut, a pang of fondness and sadness washing over her. She knows all too well the bittersweet nature of stolen minutes such as those.
“It’s different with her?” Yu Yan offers.
After a while, Jiaqi nods. “It’s like you and Keni, I think,” she says. “I don’t know how you are together, but I know you mean so much to her.”
Yu Yan draws in a breath. “I keep thinking that we took our time for granted,” she says eventually. “Or maybe we just didn’t make enough of it, but I wish she could be here with us now.” She dips her head, sensing her eyes beginning to water.
“I know,” Jiaqi says, impossibly quiet. “We’ll have time with them again.”
“Let’s sneak out of here and grab a flight,” Yu Yan jokes, her chest filling with warmth at the way Jiaqi laughs, breathless.
They get to see the girls again in a way, much sooner than they expected.
In the middle of a filming day, Yu Yan and Jiaqi both receive a message at the same time. Smiles spread across their faces as they gaze affectionately at the photos on their screens.
It’s Keni and Sun Rui, cheeks pressed together as they hug, grinning at the camera. The second photo shows them squaring off in an arm wrestling match, the expression on both their faces a determined one.
Swiping along the set of photos, Yu Yan feels her eyes watering once more. In each one, Keni and Sun Rui are pulling a different pose, growing more and more playful. The last message is a video clip, Dai Meng’s voice echoing in the background as she asks the pair a bunch of questions about the show. At the end, both Keni and Sun Rui face the camera, blowing kisses, before the clip fades to black.
Jiaqi turns to Yu Yan, tears glistening in her eyes. She’s so pretty in that moment, and Yu Yan recounts the time when she called Sun Rui a pretty crier. Jiaqi and Sun Rui fit together in many ways, she thinks. She hopes her and Keni look like that from the outside, too.
“Our girls, always looking out for us,” Yu Yan says fondly, eyes flitting back to the caption in Keni’s message.
Let’s see each other again soon .
Yu Yan knows they will.