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“Anyways, thank you for coming, as always! See you again next week,” Chan waves enthusiastically to the camera, smile wide, and big, giggling softly at all the ‘thankyou’s’ and ‘loveyou’s’ flashing through the comments with the unbelievable pace. As the broadcast is finished, he leans back against his chair, groaning tiredly and rubbing his eyes, feeling his heart pounding against his ribcage. Chan has been doing this whole ‘counseling center’ thing for over a year already, but every time he goes live it still feels like the first time, palms sweating and pulse beating somewhere in his head.
The thing is, Chan likes helping people. For as long as he could remember. It is just a feeling, or rather, a need, that has been following him through his life as a kid, settled deep down in him as a teen, and bloomed into something bigger in his so-called adulthood.
It all goes back to his hometown, back in Australia, when he was met with bright and beaming sunlight in the morning, and fresh ocean breathe on his way back home every day. He is twelve, and one occasional stroll through the beach ends up with him preventing another kid from drowning. The memory that still sends chills down his spine, and has been a cause of his nightmares for a long time. It started with a loud cry, someone’s ringing voice cutting through his ears, like a knife. He doesn’t think twice before rushing through the depth of the ocean, bringing a panicked kid on his back to the shore. But what is stuck in his head for forever, is the kid’s eyes, longing, and full of such sincerity and gratitude, that Chan feels his heart swell with joy and pure, undeniable happiness. The kid clings to him, like a koala, until his parents finally pick him up, looking into Chan’s eyes in a way, that he could not explain at that time, as a young and naïve kid. But that gaze is the moment when he realizes that, well, helping people makes him feel nice and fuzzy inside.
When he moves to Korea at the age of fifteen, he can’t say that something changes. Kids are a bit more cruel, nitpicking on his short height, poor Korean, big nose, and all the other stupid things they manage to spot. But Chan still wears the same big smile on his lips, looking out for everyone and ready to coat you in comfort. Maybe that’s why all of his friends end up being a little bit younger than him, gratefully accepting the care Chan is glad to give.
In college, Chan is still consistent in his altruistic needs. Even as a freshman, he takes part in most of organized events, helps with dorms occupations and studies, tries to keep up with those, who are falling behind, and reach out to transferred students, helping them to overcome cultural and language barriers in more lighthearted way. So, it is not exactly a surprise, when one day, the head of student’s council, Kang Younghyun, approaches him with a rather interesting offer of counseling podcast, to promote a brand new broadcasting platform, created by enthusiastic and aspiring third years, majoring in software engineering. Chan still lingers over the sudden rush of excitement and determination, still remembers his own eyes practically lighting up, his head almost bursting from all the ideas he yet has to offer.
‘Chan’s Room’ kicks off rather successfully, and Chan quickly founds himself drowning in the attention, a good kind of one. He gets tons of hopeful messages, and words of thank you when he is making his way through the campus, but still, doesn’t let this get to his head, feeling as shy as ever every time a person approaches him with a gratitude.
This also brings Chan a present in the form of amazing acquaintances and close friends. It all starts with a cute-looking kid, Han Jisung, who is seen as lively and bubbly in public most of the times, almost bursting with energy and high spirit, waiting for Chan near his dorms. With the widest grin, Jisung gifts him a box of chocolates, his hands shivering slightly from the cold. They sit in the small yard near the dorms, and the boy tells him how ‘Chan’s Room’ helped to cope with his anxiety and constant pressure from studying.
“Let’s be friends, Hyung!” The kid beams so enthusiastically that Chan has no heart to reject the younger. He smiles reassuringly, nodding in agreement. “I’m a music major too, by the way,” the boy continues, fidgeting his fingers nervously, “Maybe we could do something together, sometime.”
Turns out that Han Jisung is, indeed, a genius, overflowing with ideas and eagerness, taking care of every song as if it is his one and only child. Chan feels that the boy finds the same comfort in music, as Chan finds in helping others.
Then it goes on with Seo Changbin, a second year who happens to be his roommate. Those types of roommates, to whom you say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ at the dorm, spending most of the time in rather tensed silence, wondering if you’re not bothering each other with your own presence. Chan tries not to take it personally, giving the boy time to adjust. Changbin looks quite intimidating, with his jet-black hair, and blank expressions, and Chan faintly hears rumors about the boy going around the premises. Unless after one of his broadcasts Changbin meets boy with a smile, greeting him with a smell of take-away food on the table.
“That thing that you do,” Changbin mutters quietly, chewing on his food in process, “It’s—It’s really good. You’re helping a lot of people, you know.”
That sort of breaks ice between them, and Chan surprisingly finds Changbin’s reverse charms, as the boy is unbelievably cheerful and fun to be around, whining childishly about almost everything, constantly asking for care and attention. A big baby, but still demanding and serious when needed, especially when it comes to himself.
Chan sighs loudly again, looking at the clock in the small studio. This place has been like his second home since ‘Chan’s Room’ has officially started, as he spends most of his time here, not only counseling people online, but also working on his own assignments and projects, finding the isolating feel of the room rather comforting.
“Hyung!” The voice comes from behind the door, snapping Chan back to reality.
Yeah, isolating feel, of course.
Chan is not surprised when Changbin stumbles into the room, leaning against the table in a laid-back manner. Him and Jisung are frequent visitors there, as they also find the studio oddly suitable for working. Chan offers his friend a tired smile, and Changbin gladly returns it.
“I came to pick you up,” the boy shrugs, taking Chan’s backpack, and throws it over his shoulder.
“But I wanted to work,” Chan pouts cutely, blinking swiftly in a dramatic manner. Changbin just rolls his eyes, grasping the boy’s arm, getting Chan up from his chair.
“You haven’t been properly sleeping for three days, hyung,” Changbin grumbles, leading both of them through the studio doors, shutting them behind his back. “As much as I respect you, take rest, please. Jisung will blame me for not taking care of you again.”
Chan hums something in protest, but still gives in. The boys make their way to the dorms, with Changbin blabbering something on the background. Chan listens with half an ear, allowing himself to do so rather rarely, nodding at all the right words. It is hard to admit it, but he is, in fact, tired and exhausted, dying for a relaxed and peaceful night, preferably filled with a good sleep.
There are these small moments, when Chan thinks that it is too much for him. It does bring him joy, all the letters, and messages, and the striking realization, that he is useful and needed. But there are times, when the messages are not exactly hopeful and happy, being written on the verge of something bad and crashing. Chan tries to help, but of course, it does not always work, and silently, but steadily, it starts to kill him on the inside. He cries his soul out when no one can see, desperately in need of someone to wrap himself around.
But ironically, whereas Chan is always ready to give help anyone in need, he is not able to properly accept it himself.
Until one day, he catches a glimpse of pink hair, striking through the dormitory halls like lightning, all bright and captivating, and Chan can’t tear his eyes away, almost hypnotized. If pink colour in his hair is soft, the boy’s features are even softer, lips full and prominent, eyes big and deep. His figure is lean and seems fragile, and at some point Chan is afraid the boy is going to break.
“Hyung, you’re staring,” Changbin nudges at his side, and Chan doesn’t see, but he knows that smug smirk is plastered on his face.
“Maybe,” he shrugs, smiling to himself, and pulls Changbin into a half hug, the latter making out a screeching noise, but hugs the boy back nevertheless.
That night Chan dreams of something sweet and ephemeral, and of someone oddly familiar, with pink hair and soft features.
*
For a person who struggles with sleeping Chan enjoys mornings too much for his own good.
It’s just something in the morning air, that is strikingly different, yet feels so close to heart, reminding Chan of all the good things in the world. When Chan opens his eyes it’s about half past seven in the morning, his classes being scheduled only in the afternoon. Insomnia is something that has become more of a friend, than a stranger since last year, Chan welcoming it with open arms now. That’s how he taught himself to enjoy the early hours, rather than despising them.
He puts on his black hoodie, drowning in the oversized piece of clothing. Somehow, it always makes him feel protected and secure, shielding from all the unnecessary and disturbing things and thoughts. Trying not to wake Changbin up, Chan grabs his laptop, earphones, two brightly coloured notebooks and unplugs charger from the socket. Stuffing it all in his bag he throws it over the shoulder, and rushes out of the room, door closing with a clicking sound behind him.
He is immediately met with crispy air of an early autumn, and everything about it screams ‘morning’. The feel, the outcasted look of the streets, partly filled with half-awake students getting ready for their early classes. Chan also feels only half-awake, seemingly sluggish without his morning cup of coffee. He thinks he needs to stop by a coffee shop on his way to studio when he almost trips over his feet, face almost hitting the ground. When he almost falls for the second time, Chan faintly realizes that he has collided with someone’s body, and he hears a loud thump as something falls to the ground.
"Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” he hears a voice, rather deep and raspy, stuttering the words in clear, heavy accented English. Something about the accent tingles with familiarity somewhere inside, but Chan ignores it, picking up someone’s pink—well that’s cute—bag from the ground. With a half-smile, Chan huffs ‘it’s fine’ under his breath, and looks up to meet the person’s eyes.
And, well, screw him.
First thing that he sees is a familiar shade of pink, not nosy and annoying kind, more pastel and tender, the one he dreamed of today. Undoubtedly, it’s the ‘dorm boy’, as Chan is met with same soft features and fragile-looking figure. His pulse picks up slightly, as the wind ruffles through the boy’s hair, like it is a scene straight up from a movie.
The boy’s lips part, and eyes grow bigger. Chan wonders if he looks like a creep, staring at the boy for far more, than he should, but the voice cuts through his ears. “B-bang Chan!” The boy exclaims, still in English, exhaling loudly. Chan knits eyebrows in confusion, not exactly pinpointing what is happening. “You’re Bang Chan! I mean, Chan-sunbaenim,” the guys flushes, switching to Korean, and Chan thinks his heart is beating now somewhere in his stomach.
Oh yeah. He is known around the campus, he should have gotten used to it by now.
Chan gulps, offering sheepish smile. “Uhm, yeah, apparently that’s me,” both boys get back on their feet, Chan stretching out the boy’s bag to him. Really, pink? Hello, heart attack? “Sorry for bumping into you.”
“Oh, no, no, that’s my bad,” the boy takes his bag, obviously panicking, as he wiggles his hand in defense. His ears and cheeks are still flushing, and Chan lets out a huffed laugh, and the other boy follows along, visibly relaxing. “I should have looked where I’m going. It’s just that the map is in my phone, so—” the boy shrugs, avoiding Chan’s gaze.
“Are you a freshman?” Chan inquires and starts walking, gesturing boy to follow along. The younger obeys, trying to stick to Chan’s side.
“Second year. It’s just-uhm-,” he replies, stuttering a bit, and scratches the back of his head, “I’ve moved here recently? So, I’m kind of trying to figure out locations.”
“Oh,” Chan clears his throat. “Do you need help?” Of course, Chan offers. Because Chan loves helping people, and, well, helping cute and charming boys is even more pleasant.
“Aren’t you busy?” The guy asks in surprise.
“No, my classes start only in the afternoon and I was planning to work, so I’m all yours,” Chan says, not really identifying the meaning of his words. But when he is met with an arched eyebrow and a smirk (oh, god), it’s Chan’s turn to blush. “I mean, I can help you. Sorry, it’s just early, and I really need coffee.”
“A morning person?” The guy switches the topic, and Chan is really thankful.
“You can put it like that,” Chan replies, rubbing his palms together. “Are you?”
“Kind of,” the boy lets out a hearty laugh. “Oh, by the way, I haven’t introduced myself?” He taps his wrist, offering a small smile. “I’m Felix. Lee Felix.”
“I’m Chan, but you know that, apparently,” Chan returns a smile. Felix. The name oddly suits the younger boy, like it has been made for him.
“I’m a big fan,” Felix says timidly, flushing again. “I mean—not a fan—sounds obsessive. I just really enjoy your broadcasts. Soothing, and feels like home.”
“Home?” The word is longing, and has this pleasant comforting feel.
“Home,” Felix nods in confirmation. “I’m also Australian.”
“Oh,” Chan mutters, taken aback. Well, it’s not that surprising, he has worked precisely with exchange students, and there were couple of Australians. Chaeyong, bright and friendly girl, with whom he still keeps in touch from time to time, she moved here around last year. Also Lily, they’ve met each other when he was still a freshman. But something about Felix being Australian seems kind of surreal, and resonates with a warm feeling in his chest. “That explains why your accent sounded so familiar.”
“Sorry about that. I unconsciously switch to English when I’m emotional or nervous,” Felix squints, his nose wrinkling in rather cute way.
“You’re apologizing to me for speaking English?” Chan arches eyebrows, tone of his voice being all smiley and bright.
Felix laughs, face lighting up and eyes turning into small crescents. Adorable. “I guess, I just need my morning coffee too.”
“We can get it together, then,” Chan offers, “I’m helping you anyway, so,” he finishes with a shrug, shoving his hands in hoodie pockets.
“If I’m not a bother,” Felix replies, and Chan catches how he bites down on his lower lip, one hand checking the pulse point on his neck.
Chan loves helping people, and that coffee offer is something that he does on daily basis. Sometimes he compares himself to a doctor, as helping others is like his job, and all the people around are just patients, whom he treats with kindness and care, but does not feel that much of attachment, faces changing one another every day.
But something about Felix feels different. Chan doesn’t want to use word ‘special’, but something about the boy sticks out, making Chan feel things that were lulled inside of him for a long time.
“You’re not a bother, Felix,” Chan says softly. He likes saying the boy’s name like this, aloud.
Sounds like Chan’s beloved mornings. Sounds like home.
*
“So, you didn’t say, where exactly you were heading?” Chan asks, cup of coffee in his free hand. They walk out of a coffee shop, all smiley and bubbly, as they were talking non-stop for the past half an hour. Chan generally gets along with people well, and Felix is a rather easy-going person, kind of honest and straightforward in his words and expressions.
That’s strikingly attractive, but Chan tries not to think about this.
“Library, I suppose,” Felix says a little bit unsurely, as if he is asking a question himself. “I was looking for a place to study at, to begin with. My roommate’s classes also start only in the afternoon, and he is kind of a light sleeper, and I usually blabber when I’m studying, so I was kind of looking for a quiet place, I guess?”
Chan nods at this, sipping on his coffee, and feels the rough bitterness on his tongue. He was never a big fan of the drink, if we’re being honest, but life makes you do things that you never knew you needed, so he perceives coffee rather like a type of medicament to keep himself going.
“Library is not that great of a place,” Chan starts speaking, enjoying the sight of the sun beaming through the streets. These are probably last warm days of the year, so he tries to take them all in. “The chances of finding decent place with an actual socket is close to none,” Chan vaguely recalls how he always carried a freaking three-way plug to be able to charge his stuff in the library. “ Unless you want to put up with noisy freshmen and people always searching for something behind your back.”
“You have better options?” Felix asks, chewing on his straw in oddly attractive manner.
Pull your fucking self together, Chris. You’re a senior.
“There is the student council’s studio, where I work, it is usually quite isolated,” Chan replies, a little bit hesitant.
It took him almost a year to let Changbin in there, and three months to let Jisung, only because the boy was more persistent in his need. That studio was one of the most precious things, and he cherished it highly, putting an effort to secure it as much as he could from strangers.
But, again, something about Felix makes him soft, and Chan wonders, if weak spots can be developed so quickly, as they haven’t even been talking for more than an hour, leaving out the fact that they just happened to bump into each other accidentally.
“Like, an actual studio of ‘Chan’s room’?” Felix gasps excitedly, eyes opening wide, like it is the most amazing place in the world.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” well, it actually is, to Chan, but hey, “Just a place to get yourself together. I have a lot of stuff to work on, and my roommate is also a light sleeper, and libraries suck.”
“Again, if it is okay with you,” Felix mumbles softly, “I mean, I’ve heard a lot of stuff about you. Good stuff,” smile graces on his lips, “and I know you own this kind and helpful image. But you don’t have to do this always, you know? I don’t want to be an intruder, and I can surely manage.”
Chan doesn’t realize that he is holding a breath until he feels he is almost suffocating. He breathes out forcefully, fists clenching nervously in his pockets. You don’t have to do this always, you know?
But does he? It feels strange to be taken care of, strange hearing the words of worry instead of gratitude from the strangers. Maybe that’s why Felix seems so strikingly different to him.
“I’ve told you, you’re not a bother,” Chan finally breaks the silence, as Felix doesn’t really rush him with his reply. The younger boy nods, still with a smile on his lips.
“I’m glad to keep you company, then.”
The walk to the studio is nice, peaceful, and engaging. They talk mostly about school things, not really trying to get in each other personal bubbles, and Chan is thankful. He finds out, that Felix is an art major, and his place of comfort is drawing. The boy confesses that he used to draw with music and podcasts on the background, but now it is mostly ‘Chan’s Room’ lives since he has moved to the dorms. Felix says it in a light-hearted manner, not really ashamed or baffled by the fact that he is talking about this with an actual Bang Chan. It sounds quite endearing, and makes Chan get flustered much more, than he should, with ears burning bright red. But he catches the same kind of blush blooming on Felix’s cheeks occasionally, so he just brushes it off.
“And here it is,” Chan opens the door with the key, letting the younger enter the room first.
“It looks…,” Felix observes everything carefully, tracing his fingers over the nearest surfaces, “Different. Not like on the screen.”
“It’s always like that,” Chan shrugs, taking out his laptop from the bag, trying to steal glances at Felix, who is awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. The boy hugs himself, clearly not sure of how to behave, or where to place himself. So Chan kindly gestures at the small sofa in the corner, offering a seat. “You can sit here, or if you need a stable surface you can take the chair near the table.”
“I’m fine with a sofa,” Felix replies, the tension in the air visibly toning down. “Is it really okay? This place feels oddly personal.”
Because it is personal. Chan’s safe heaven, as he likes to call it. It is amusing how the studio is a pure reflection of his interests, character and surroundings. From clumsily taken photos pinned to the impromptu made board on the wall, to three kind of earphones and tangled cords and cables scattered on the table.
“I wouldn’t take you here, if it wasn’t okay,” Chan concludes, watching as Felix plops down on the sofa, arms stretched in front of him.
“Do you often take strangers here?” Felix shoots a question, as bold as he is.
Chan gulps, feeling his insides turning upside down. “Maybe it’s just an aussie solidarity,” he tries to laugh it off, but Felix’s gaze is still glued to him, making it a little bit uneasy. Or maybe I kinda like you.
Even if Felix picks up that something is off, he just huffs, also taking out his laptop and study stuff out of the bag.
They fall into a comfortable silence, intruded only by muffled sounds of music coming from Felix’s earphones and rushed taps against keyboard. Chan amusingly catches up that Felix does, indeed, blabber when he is studying, both in English and Korean, and it’s strikingly amusing. He usually works with music on the background, but Felix’s soft mumbles are kind of calming, engaging Chan in his usual working pattern. Studying-planning out broadcast-working on music-repeat.
Somewhere in the middle of this vicious circle, Chan physically feels as the consequences of lack of proper sleep are taking over. His eyes start hurting, closing on their own, his mind gets all dizzy and slight traces of headache are kicking in. Chan considers relocating on the sofa, but the need of not disturbing Felix seems more important, so he just rests his head on the table, covering it with his arms.
It seems like five minutes have passed when Chan feels gentle patting on his shoulder. Groggily, he opens one eye, catching the glitch of pink hair and soft, brown eyes with a splutter of freckles underneath. He wonders if he is still dreaming, but the patting on his shoulder turns into a tight grasp. “Hey,” Felix whispers, biting down on his lips nervously. “You said your classes are in the afternoon, so I figured that you need to wake up.”
“Wake up?” Chan almost screeches, dumbfounded. He closed his eyes for five minutes, didn’t he?
“It’s 12 p.m., you have been napping for at least an hour now,” Felix’s lips twist in a reassuring smile. His hand is still grasping his shoulder, and Chan has an intense urge to run his hand through the boy’s pink hair. “Hyung, you sure you’re okay?”
Honestly, it’s a question that Chan is struggling to answer himself. It seems okay, until the night creeps in and everything comes down on him all at once. Disturbing thoughts, worries about the future, fear of failure and doubtful prospects of the upcoming adulthood. It practically eats him alive, not leaving any trace of hope behind.
But it’s a whole different conversation.
“I’m fine,” Chan answers, with a forced smile, words echoing in his head, like mantra. Maybe, the more he gets used to saying this, the easier it would be to convince himself.
Felix purses his lips in a thin line, his features visibly tensing up. Glimpses of mischievousness are gone from his eyes, and his look now feels piercing, almost as if he could see Chan through. And Chan feels completely vulnerable and naked under his gaze.
“Let’s pretend I believed you,” Felix finally says, putting a wide smile on his face again. Well, maybe he is not the only one who is trying to convince himself in something. “So, I guess I will get going. Classes are starting soon, and I promised to meet with a friend before they start.”
“Yes, of course,” Chan gets up from his place, following Felix to the door. “I--,” He quickly tries to come up with something decent to say, but his mind still feels dizzy from the nap, brain not functioning properly. “I will see you around, yes?” Chan hopes it doesn’t sound as desperate as it seems.
“Well, probably on Wednesday,” Felix says and immediately laughs at Chan’s confused face. “Chan’s Room, remember, hyung? You’re kind of host of the show.”
“Oh, sod off,” Chan mutters, but playfully nudges the boy in the arm.
Definitely a weak spot.
*
Wednesday comes quicker, than expected, mostly because days are almost a blur of people, uneventful days and working. Insomnia kicks in with even more force, leaving Chan completely exhausted during the days, and restless at nights, haunted by an endless chain of disturbing thoughts. It gets to the point where he can’t even make himself work, feeling all numb and anxious, muffling his loud head with stupid videos and music.
Chan wonders if ‘Chan’s Room’ viewers feel the same when they watch his streams. Is that their safe heaven? Do they feel at ease, listening to his voice late at nights? This kind of thoughts make him feel slightly better, bringing a little peace and comfort to his soul, but there’s a little trace of disappointment, as Chan also wants someone who will talk him to sleep.
The boy lets out an exasperated sigh, echoing through the walls. Maybe he really needs to talk it out.
Chan double checks all the equipment, setting up the camera and the sound. Playlist is ready, notes with the list of topics are prepared, small snacks are stuffed under the table, and the tea is brewing in his big, red mug. Five minutes till he goes live, and Chan’s fingers tingle with familiar anticipation.
Three minutes and the familiar lump forms in his throat. Chan wonders if he ever gets used to this.
One minute, and Chan takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for the last time. Familiar shade of pink comes into his view and he smiles. ‘Chan’s Room, remember, hyung? You’re kind of host of the show.’ Chan wonders if Felix is really watching the live today.
And with a shaken heart, and bubbling excitement, Chan presses ‘start’.
*
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to Chan’s Room!” Felix involuntary smiles at the sequences of soft giggles followed after the enthusiastic greeting. Looking up at his laptop screen, Felix's grin gets even wider, watching as Chan wiggles his hands in a welcoming way, getting completely flustered by the long chain of affectionate comments in the chat, which is obvious as his ears are flushing with bright red colour.
Felix’s mother, being really into astrology, always said that ‘when a libra smiles, the whole world smiles too.’ Looking at Chan’s soft and wide smile plastered all over his face Felix kind of agrees, as you need to be completely heartless not to return the smile back at him, even when Chan is just a picture on the screen.
So, with the most stupid smile on his face, Felix opens his sketchbook, getting lost in his own thoughts for a bit. He has been working on the design of this one precise character for a while, and now he is kind of stuck within the concept, something like an artistic block. The whole idea of doing a webtoon was initially proposed by Hyunjin, and enthusiastically approved by Seungmin and Minho, basically the cause of his art even existing in a first place.
“You need a promo,” Hyunjin once says during one of their shared lunches, looking at Felix expectedly, while Seungmin and Minho are bickering on the background.
“Promo?” Felix echoes the questions, taking a bite of his tuna sandwich. “Why would I need that?”
“Because, you want to do art,” Hyunjin states, like it’s the most obvious thing, and well, it is, “And that means you need to start sharing your works, the earlier, the better. Twitter, Instagram, that kind off stuff. Oh,” his eyes light up with familiar glint of excitement, “Webtoon! Those are crazy popular these days!”
“Especially R-rated ones,” Minho chimes in, trying to steal Hyinjin’s coffee, but the latter quickly slaps his hand away. Seungmin dramatically gasps, muttering quiet ‘what the hell are you talking about’, furrowing his eyebrows. ‘What? There are three constant variables of popularity: kittens, butts, and sex.”
“It’s kind of true, though,” Hyunjin agrees, obviously considering the idea.
“So, let me set this out,” Felix gives his friends a sceptical look, “You basically want me to draw a graphic novel with kittens, butts, and sex in it, and share it with the world so I would have more prospects in my future career?”
“Well, bare ambitions won’t feed you, you know?” Seungmin notes, still shooting death glares at Minho. “Just don’t listen to these idiots and draw a story that you feel like drawing. Like, something close to your heart.”
And there Felix is, with a sketchbook full of useless ideas, trying to figure out what ‘close to heart’ means.
“Anyways, how have you been doing?” Chan’s voice snaps Felix back to reality, coming from the speakers. Chan’s voice is nice, and soothing, calming enough to concentrate, but distinct enough to keep Felix up through the night. “Are you guys working on something? My roommate is complaining about school work non-stop these days.”
The chat explodes a little, with a chain of replies with ‘same’, ‘yeah’, ‘schoolwork is killing me’, and some kind of similar messages. Felix is not usually the type to leave comments, but his artistic block is severe, so he pulls his laptop closer, typing the words swiftly.
[lixie_felix_00]: trying to work on my webtoon, but artistic block T_T
Somewhere at the back of his mind Felix wonders if Chan remembers him, tensing up at the memory of their strange encounter. It has been heart flattering, and Chan’s smiles in real life are even more contagious than on the screen, but something about the boy eluded such a sad ambience, leaving Felix with all kind of unnecessary thoughts, genuinely wondering if he’s okay, recalling the saddest ‘I’m fine’ he has ever heard in his life.
“Oh, artistic block? That sucks,” Chan laughs, and Felix feels something tugging inside of him. He noticed. Maybe, even recognized him, there aren’t many boys named Felix in Korea, after all. The tint of hope blooms in his chest. “I’m a music major, so me and my friends come across this a lot.”
[_sungie_]: i’m his friend and I recon that
“Yeah, Jisung, thank you,” Chan obviously replies to that, his eyes glued to the comment section. Felix gulps at the sight of his cute dimple, displayed that up close. “As for artistic block, when we in our team face it, we just, kinda try to brainstorm. Turn on the beat, and just come up with whatever we are feeling. It really helps, as you kind of push yourself to the limits. I came up with my latest project like that, to be honest,” Chan sheepishly looks to the ground, scratching on the back of his head, and Felix thinks he is dying from how adorable it looks.
[lixie_felix_00]: thank you i’ll try that <3
The chat section is flooded again, and Felix doesn’t even hope that Chan is able to notice his comment, but after a minute he hears ‘You’re welcome, Felix!’ said in the most gentle way possible, with the same blinding smile on Chan’s lips.
Felix’s heart makes a set of leaps, and he unknowingly lets out a strangled noise, feeling extremely hot in his sweater as blush creeps on his cheeks.
“You’re good?” Hyunjin shouts from his bed, pulling his earphones down.
“Yeah,” Felix forces out with a wheezing sound. “Fine.”
Hyunjin just shrugs, completely disinterested, and goes back to watching something on his phone.
“Hmm, do you guys want to listen to that song? Maybe it will inspire you, like a trigger?” Chan asks, clicking something on his computer.
Comment section bursts with dozens of ‘yes’ and ‘of course!!’, Felix shyly confirming with his own comment.
[_sungie_]: omg mom i’m famous
[changbinniebin]: hyuuung, it’s not even finished
“Tsk, tsk, I’m talking about my song,” Chan mumbles, tracing his gaze over his own computer screen, its light illuminating his face a little.
[_sungie_]: not famous then :(
“I will play your song later, don’t worry.” God, how the man could be this perfect? “You ready, guys? I’m a little bit nervous,” Chan shrinks in his hoodie a little, looking at the camera through his lashes. Fucking heart attack.
[lixie_felix_00]: i’m sure it’s perfect
Felix amusingly notes how Chan’s ear flushes again as he clears his throat. “Okay, let’s go then.”
Soft sounds of piano are first thing that Felix hears. It has a sad, almost hopeless undertone to it, and if Felix could put it in one word it would be ‘despair’. It lingers over, even through Felix’s cheap speakers, filling up the room with an oddly familiar feeling of loneliness. And then the lyrics hit off, and Felix thinks he is experiencing a straight-up heartbreak. What adds the fuel is that he can hear Chan’s voice almost breaking down, conveying to the message even more. It’s painfully beautiful, and ethereal, and Felix feels goosebumps going down his body in a forceful wave.
“What do you think, guys?” Chan asks, reducing the volume of the song so that he could be heard.
It is over too soon, Felix feeling like he is in trance. He looks at Chan on his screen, who is still smiling brightly, but Felix manages to catch glimpse of something in his eyes, something similar to what he spotted while they were studying in his studio. Before he can stop himself, Felix starts typing his message in the box.
[lixie_felix_00]: hyung are you sure you’re ok
Again, the boy is not sure that Chan can spot his particular message in the stream of comments, but something in his face shifts, eyebrows raising as he gulps. “I’m fine, seriously,” it sounds kind of robotic, but Felix decides not to point that out. “It’s just,” Chan licks his lips, avoiding looking at the camera, “You know, there are these days, when you’re not feeling that good, and it seems like the world is just so fucked up, and you’re the epicentre of it, while it is collapsing. That’s when this kind of lyrics come out, so when I write them, I feel better.” Felix doesn’t realise, that he is holding a breath, listening to the boy on the other side of the screen attentively. “But it’s fine, I promise. Just those low moments, you know.”
The rest of the broadcast feels like a blur, as Felix drifts away somewhere in his thoughts, Chan’s voice serving as a background noise.
It is safe to say, that Chan is a role model for many people on their campus, Felix doesn’t need a lot of time to figure this out even after few months. He is kind, and always ready to help, whether you are a freshman, exchange student, or a respected professor or senior. God, the whole concept of ‘Chan’s room’ is based on helping students with their inner problems and questions. Adding to that, Chan is crazily gifted, exceling in singing, rap, writing, producing, and even dancing, not being too cocky about that at the same time, treating everyone with equal respect. How even real does it sound?
But Felix sincerely wonders, what does this blinding smile and tired eyes hide behind them? Why do they seem so restless, in contrast to their owner’s peaceful demeanor?
Wheels are starting to turn in his head with an unimaginable speed, and he grabs his sketchbook lying nearby. He opens it, looking at the mash of ideas and sketches scattered on the pages.
Draw a story that you feel like drawing. Like, something close to your heart.
Felix doesn’t sleep that night.
*
“Channie-hyung, I ask you as my best friend, my mentor, my muse,” Changbin whines, hugging Chan’s arm tight in the process.
The boy sighs almost desperately. “Why do you need me at this gathering anyway? You have Jisung, isn’t this enough?”
Changbin has been persuading Chan to go out for over an hour, whining and grizzling like a small child. It’s Friday night, and Chan has been planning to work in silence, and maybe get himself several hours of sleep, if he’s lucky, but it seems like the universe doesn’t really want this to happen.
“No!” Changbin almost shouts, getting up on his feet from the bed they are sitting on. “You don’t understand! There is-uhm-fuck,” Changbin hisses, now pacing off through the room, going back and forth. “There is the boy I really like, okay?” He says quietly, and Chan arches an eyebrow, smirk curling at the side of his lips, and laugh bubbling somewhere in his chest. “Don’t laugh! It’s just, I really like him, and knowing Jisung, he will embarrass the hell out of me. You’re my last hope for sanity, hyung!”
Chan laughs nevertheless, but looks at the boy in front of him sympathetically. “So, it should have been you, Jisung, and the mysterious boy on the night out, do I get this right?”
“Hyunjin,” Changbin says almost tenderly, name rolling out on his tongue. “The boy’s name is Hyunjin. And he should have been with his roommate.”
“Nice, more new people,” Chan replies, enjoying the sight of baffled Changbin, which is quite rare, to begin with.
“Hey, maybe the roommate is cute?” Changbin suggests meekly, and Chan groans. There is only one cute boy he wants to communicate with.
“You’re exploiting my kind heart, Changbin.”
“Yes, but you still love me.”
That’s how, not even forty minutes later, Chan ends up sitting outside of the dorms, dressed up almost like a decent human being, changing his sweats and hoodie for black ripped jeans and a sweater, with a leather jacket shuffled on. Changbin is sitting by his side, looking cute in his purple beanie and round glasses.
“Hyung!” Chan hears a loud voice, and spots Jisung rushing to them. “I can’t believe Changbin actually made you go out!” His eyes bug out a little, as he tries to catch up with his breath.
“He was blackmailing me,” Chan huffs.
“I was not!” Changbin shouts, hitting the older on the arm, and the air fills with a loud laughter, Chan looking at his friends with a caring gaze.
It’s nice. Chan can’t remember the last time they hangout not in the studio, and not while working on their music, and it makes him feel kind of bad and somehow guilty. But watching Changbin and Jisung playfully bicker, accompanied by giggles and laughs, creates this safe bubble, in which Chan feels joy and lulling comfort.
“So, are you planning to confess today?” Jisung asks, voice rising in a mocking manner.
“No,” Changbin almost growls. “It’s just friendly hangout session. That’s why you are invited.”
“But what if he falls for me, hyung,” Jisung cutely pouts, “I’m charming, you know.”
“I doubt that,” Changbin deadpans, and Jisung sticks his tongue out at him. “Oh, here they are. Hyunjin!” Changbin shouts, and peeps behind Chan, chaotically flourishing his arms to attract attention. Chan titles his head to the side, watching as a tall and lean figure approaches them with a smile. And well, Changbin definitely has a good taste, as the boy looks almost impeccable with his black hair styled in a neat manner, being a little bit longer, than a regular haircut. The boy’s eyes almost sparkle in the dark, maybe from the light make up he wears, and his jeans hug his figure prettily, showing off his long legs even more.
Chan wants to tease Changbin, getting ready to nudge him in the shoulder and accompany it with a witty remark, until Chan’s own voice gets caught up in his throat at the sight of soft pink, approaching a little behind Hyunjin.
Chan gulps. The universe is a bitch, and he is definitely fucked.
“Changbin-hyung,” Hyunjin comes closer, his eyes almost disappearing from the wide grin on his face. He gives Changbin a half-hug, and the latter clumsily hugs back, and Chan can swear he hears a strange noise coming somewhere from his throat. They pull apart as rapid as they hugged, the boy cutely turning around to face Chan and Jisung. “I’m Hyunjin! Can’t believe that I’m actually meeting you, sunbae! And this is—”
“Hyung?” Chan meets the other boy’s gaze, and yes, it’s definitely Felix. He lets out a shy smile, nervously fidgeting his fingers, and Chan feels something tug in his chest almost painfully. They boy is also dressed up, which doesn’t really help his condition, as Chan can spot traces of make up on his eyes and cheeks, and set of sliver earrings are shining nicely in his ears.
“Hyung? Wait, you know each other?” Jisung’s eyes go from Chan to Felix in obvious confusion. Changbin’s eyebrows are furrowed, indicating that he is also puzzled by such revelation.
“Yeah,” Felix scratches on the back of his head, visibly flushing. “We met the other day, Chan-hyung helped me out, offered a place in his studio to study.”
“Why it is the first time I’m hearing about this,” Hyunjin mumbles quietly, shooting Felix a judging glare.
“Studio?” Jisung screeches, eyes wide open. “Took me three months to get access to that sacred place!”
“Took me one year,” Changbin snarls, rolling his eyes.
“Okay!” Chan gets to his feet, completely embarrassed. “I am just a decent human being who helps people, so bear with me. This is Felix, by the way. He came here not that long ago.”
“Ah, Felix,” Changbin sing-songs, lips twisting in a smirk. “The boy you kept talking to on your live.”
Felix flushes even more, gaze unfocused, avoiding looking at anyone in particular.
Chan will freaking end Changbin when they get home. “Are we going to stay here all night, or what?” Chan asks loudly, and Felix visibly relaxes, looking up from the ground. “What’s the plan?”
“Uhm, well,” Changbin stutters out nervously, “I was thinking about picknick?”
“At night?” Jisung asks, tone of his voice raising in surprise.
“We can buy some food, and settle near the Han river,” Changbin continues, biting down on his lower lip. “These are last warm days of the year, and the view tonight is really promising. Like stars, and full moon, and all that stuff.”
“Romantic much, hyung?” Hyunjin chuckles with a soft smile.
Changbin mutters something under his breath, and probably thanks all the music gods for wearing a beanie today, as it hides his probably flushed ears.
“I like the idea,” Felix suddenly chirps in. “My mother is really into astrology, she said that there is lunar eclipse today.”
“Hyuuung, I wanna go!” Jisung’s eyes light up, and he starts beaming, almost like a puppy. Felix wholeheartedly laughs at that, and Chan lets involuntary smile as the sound lingers in his ears for a bit, mild and soothing, evoking something warm in his chest.
“Let’s go, then,” Chan says, and Changbin grabs Hyunjin’s forearm, leading the way.
They stop by the convenience store, grabbing every possible snack they can get, along with fuzzy drinks and a couple of bottles of beer. The whole atmosphere of the company is more relaxed, than Chan expected, as everyone somehow click with each other. Jisung and Felix get along almost right away, uniting to nag at Changbin playfully, enjoying the latter’s cute state of annoyance. And Hyunjin gives Chan looks full of gratitude every time he makes an effort to put the boys in their place.
Maybe he really missed that. The company, the carelessness of the ambience around him, and the sincere joy of the momentum.
“What are you thinking about?” the voice snaps him, but he already knows, who it is. Felix looks at him expectedly, walking by his side. Chan looks ahead, spotting as Hyunjin, Changbin and Jisung paced forward, obviously bickering about something, as Changbin explains something using vivid gestures.
“Nothing and everything at the same time,” Chan replies, hiding his clenched hands in the pockets of his jacket. Felix nods, and they continue to walk in silence. It is as comfortable, as when they were studying together the other day, leaving out the place for both of them to think. “How’s your artistic block?”
Felix eyebrows rise up, lips parting slightly. “So, you did recognize me?”
“Well, there are not that much boys named Felix in Korea, leaving out our comparably small university.”
“That’s what I thought,” Felix chuckles with a half-smile, hand going through his pink hair. Whoever advised him this colour is a very wise person. “Kind of better, actually. Got through with some ideas and stuff. All thanks to you, hyung.”
It’s kind of amusing for Chan how Felix manages to say something like this in such nonchalant manner. He feels his ears flushing and thinks he should have worn a beanie today as well. “Never thought I’m such a good advisor.”
“Definitely better than my friends,” Felix rolls his eyes. “They told me that people only care about kittens, butts, and sex, and that should be my main priority.”
“That’s kind of valid, though,” Chan notes with a smile, and Felix whines ‘Hyung!’ with the most flustered expression, and maybe a little too loud, because Jisung turns around with confused face to check if everything is okay. Chan laughs at that, patting Felix on the shoulder gently. “Just kidding, sorry.” He raises his arms up in defence. “But, the webtoon idea does sound good. Have you settled what it would be about?”
“Well, not exactly,” Felix shrugs, and starts cracking his knuckles, stretching out his arms in front of him. Chan can’t help but notice, how small and cute his palms are, a couple of silver rings framing his fingers, making them look even tinier. “I have some character ideas, and ideas about the overall setting, but I’m not really sure about the storyline. Like, where I want it to go? How I want it to go? How should characters interact with each other?”
“Sounds complicated,” Chan answers, unable to tear his gaze away from Felix’s face while he was talking. Chan always had soft spots for people who are clearly passionate about their hobbies and interests, and it is obvious how Felix is in love with what he is doing, in the way that he talks and the way his eyes are almost sparkling just thinking about drawing. “But I guess it is kind of similar to music composing. You also have a character, and you’re kind of telling a story to a listener, so you should always think how to put it right within the lyrics and accompany with the right melody.”
“Always forgetting that you’re music major,” Felix says timidly.
“I don’t look like one?”
Felix laughs, and Chan’s chest reacts with a gentle tingling inside. “Yes, and no,” Felix replies. “But you do act like a therapist sometimes. Do I look like an art major student?”
“Yes, totally,” Chan says without a tint of hesitation. Felix chuckles, looking at the boy expectedly. “I always pictured artists like that. Tender, but bold in their expressions. Bright, but considerate enough not to intrude into your personal space. Always somewhere in their thoughts, and give off the softest smiles, when you talk to them.”
Felix stays suspiciously silent for a while, and when Chan decides to look at him again, the boy is red, literally. The blush is everywhere: on his cheeks, and ears, going down on his neck. Chan immediately starts panicking, trying to come up with something decent to say. “Oh my god, this was too much, yes? I need to control my rambling.”
“No!” Felix cuts him off, again louder, than intended, and Jisung ahead of them turns around to face the boys trailing behind, eyebrow arched inquiringly. “It’s just, I get flustered easily,” Felix continues, tapping the pulse point on his neck. “Definitely not your fault.”
“Let’s pretend, I believed you,” Chan mimics the younger boy’s words from before.
Is it considered flirting?
“Hey, you! We found a place!” Changbin shouts somewhere ahead, and both boys make their pace quicker to catch up.
Felix shoots Chan a forced smile, rushing to Hyunjin and Jisung to help them set everything up on a cute-looking plaid blanket. They settle near the riverfront, and the scenery is quite breathtaking. Chan has always enjoyed being near water, probably because he used to live by the ocean, so when he moved to Korea the seashore was something he truly missed. But Han river is the closest to the ocean that he can get, and despite being different, Chan still enjoys spending time here, tremendous view of the city ascending above the river. It’s already dark, and everything glows under the bright lights of the night city. Just like the mornings, Chan thinks nights have this distinct, peculiar atmosphere to them, that is hard to describe.
“Now are you glad that I asked you to come?” Changbin plops down near him and starts laying out the snacks on the plates. “Felix, huh? He’s cute.”
“Seo Changbin,” Chan almost groans, trying to keep his voice low so no one can hear them, but notices that the others look too occupied, choosing the playlist for the night as Jisung connects his phone to the loudspeaker.
“What?” Changbin echoes with a playful smirk. “You haven’t been interested in anyone for a long time, leaving alone actually going out with someone.”
Chan doesn’t even deny that because, honestly, what’s the point? Maybe it is too early to talk about feelings, but he is surely interested in Felix, reaction of his body being the direct proof of it. And it’s true that he has been avoiding dating for almost a year now, too caught up with work and studies, and not really over of not-that-pleasant break up.
“He seems nice,” Changbin continues, now peeling an apple with a hand-held knife. “We just want you to be happy, hyung,” he switches to a whisper, smile falling from his lips. “You should take care of yourself too. Not only of others.”
Chan knows that Changbin and Jisung are far, really far from being stupid. They may be loud, and childish, and silly most of the times, but certainly there is no way they haven’t noticed Chan’s kind of odd behavior, with his crushed sleeping patterns and total avoidance of actual conversations.
“Go get your crush, Binnie,” Chan breaks the silence, giving Changbin a dimpled smile. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”
Changbin visibly hesitates for a moment, but then Hyunjin calls him out for help, and with an apologetic look he gets up on his feet and rushes to the boy’s side. It’s kind of obvious that the latter likes Changbin, with the way his look is full of pure admiration and excitement every time the boy gets into his sight, and how he still doesn’t miss a chance to tease him playfully, clearly enjoying how quickly Changbin can get flustered. It makes Chan happy, knowing that his friend is finally getting the attention and love he has always been craving for.
Suddenly, Felix’s face appears in his vision again, as he silently asks if he can occupy place near Chan, shyly nodding in the direction he is sitting. Chan welcomingly wiggles his palm, inviting the younger boy to seat down near him. He ignores how his body immediately reacts to the source of heat near him, and how Felix’s shoulder brushes against his own gently. “He’s such a Leo,” Felix mumbles with a smile, looking at where Changbin and Hyunjin are, dancing energetically to Twice’s ‘Fancy’, as Hyunjin tries to teach Changbin all the moves.
“Who, Changbin?” Chan knows about astrology as much as he knows about software engineering, but still connects the dots, recalling that Changbin has a shirt with a huge Leo sign plastered on it. “Wait, how do you already know when his birthday is?”
“It’s the first thing I ask when I meet new people, duh,” Felix playfully rolls his eyes, shuffling in his place and titling his head to the Chan’s side, getting unbelievably close to the crook of his shoulder. Chan involuntary wonders how Felix’s head would fit there.
I’m so fucked.
“By the way, your birthday is in autumn, right?” Felix asks, looking at the sky almost dreamingly.
“October 3d.”
“Oh, so a Libra, I was right,” Felix grins at the words, as if thinking this information through. “Well, that strangely makes sense.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chan lets out a hearty laugh. “And you said your mom is into astrology, not you.”
“It’s a nice way to self-reflect if you take this with a grain of salt,” the boy shrugs. “And, well, the way I would describe a Libra in short – fluffy balls who are too kind for this world, but are drowning in self-pity too much.”
Maybe Chan needs to get into astrology more. Drowning in a self-pity is his daily routine, at this point. “Okay, that do strangely make sense,” he replies sheepishly, and Felix shoots him a look full of ‘told you so’ in it.
“I will make sure to spam you with astrology memes, you will be even more surprised.”
“Is this an elaborate way to ask for my number?” Chan blurts out before he can properly think it through and, oh god, his face feels like burning. He lets out the strangest noise to ever come out of him, hiding his flushed face in his palms.
But Felix just laughs loudly, the sound echoing through the silence, attracting everyone’s attention. Chan still doesn’t dare to look, but feels slightly better. “Honestly, I don’t even know if you’re flirting with me, or it’s just your usual way of talking to people,” Chan hears Felix’s voice, and looks at him through his fingers, like goddamn child he shouldn’t even consider being.
“Maybe my lack of sleep does affect me,” Chan mumbles, but quickly bites his tongue, scolding himself in his mind.
It’s his own baggage and own problems. It has always been like that.
“At least all flustered you’re finally telling the truth,” Felix says, all the playfulness gone from his voice. Chan finally uncovers himself, and is immediately met with Felix’s intense gaze, somehow sad and disturbed.
People often say that Chan is the one with the big heart, but the way Felix looks at him right now, at the person he met barely a week ago, with undeniable concern and worry almost gleaming through his eyes makes Chan think that maybe Felix’s heart is much bigger.
“You’re only human, hyung,” Felix mutters as quiet as he can. “I get that you feel responsible for every restless soul on this campus, but you do have people who are eager to listen to you. I’m one of them.”
Even in a public place, surrounded by their friends and strangers, Chan feels that the moment is oddly intimate, not only in the way the words are said, but also considering the fact that they are sitting extremely close to each other, their shoulders still brushing, and faces just inches away.
But then disturbingly familiar song starts playing from the speakers. Chan lets out a low groan, saying ‘Jisung!’ simultaneously with Changbin. It’s definitely their song, and definitely not their best one, written not in the most sober condition.
“What?” Jisung asks innocently, holding at his heart dramatically. “People should appreciate our art!”
“But not this song,” Changbin whines, hiding behind laughing Hyunjin, who is significantly taller.
“You have no pride!” Jisung jumps enthusiastically to the beat, shouting his verses at the same time.
“And here I present you a chaotic Virgo,” Felix concludes, leaning closer to Chan’s ear. He can’t help but laugh, nudging the younger playfully.
The night ends with a gorgeous looking lunar eclipse, Jisung’s hyperactive splutters of energy, Changbin’s hand placed in Hyunjin’s one casually, and Felix’s phone number saved in Chan’s contact list.
*
“So, what’s with Chan-hyung?” Hyunjin asks with a coy smile, eyes glitching like he is up to something.
The tension around the table immediately heats, even the usual ‘bickering’ couple embodied by Seungmin and Minho, flinch their gazes in Felix’s direction, the food in front of them left completely abandoned.
Felix sighs, looking up from his sketchbook. “Nothing with Chan-hyung. We’re… friends. Kind of. I guess,” he states, but it sounds more like question.
Because Felix is not exactly sure what is going on either. Since that Friday hangout session, when they exchanged numbers with each other, they have been texting often, usually till it’s late at night, and considering the fact that Felix hates socializing through texts, this whole situation seems very out of place. He sends Chan astrology memes, just as he had promised, wholeheartedly enjoying the older’s vivid reactions, and they discuss a bunch of different things, and send each other good morning and good night texts. It’s… what friends do, right?
“He was clearly flirting with you that night, Lix. It was too obvious, even Jisung noticed, and he is usually too hyperactive to do so,” Hyunjin says, with the same sly look on his face.
“Wait, Chan-hyung, like ‘Chan’s Room’ Chan? Like, Bang Chan?” Minho chimes in before Felix can shoot his answer. “Is he the secret guy?”
“Secret guy?” Felix echoes, with a smirk. “I’m not keeping him a secret.”
“You’re not telling us about it either,” Hyunjin notes, shamelessly arching an eyebrow at him.
“Should I ask you about Changbin-hyung then?” Felix deadpans with a blank expression. It’s a low blow, but Hyunjin is far too cocky today.
“We’re dating,” the boy shrugs, maintaining an eye contact.
Felix exhales the air sharply, followed by Seungmin’s surprised ‘What?’. Not that it wasn’t expected, because it totally was, Changbin’s googly eyes being as obvious as Chan’s flirting attempts. But still, Felix is taken aback by the revelation. “Already?” He asks, biting down on the end of the pencil in his hand.
“Well, we’re not beating around the bush, like someone,” Hyunjin purposely highlights the last words, giving Felix a knowing look.
It should not affect Felix, because there is nothing to be affected about, as Chan is still one of the nicest and sweetest people Felix had chance to encounter in his life.
But here is the thing, Lee Felix is a straightforward person. He is always crystal clear about his intentions, and bold in his words and expressions with other people. He’s not the person who likes dancing around the other person playing the games of ‘do we like each other or not’. Felix doesn’t see the point, and always makes sure to clear the uncertainty in the relationships, being it friendship or romantic ones. It simplifies everything, and in the end less people are getting hurt.
On the other hand, there is Chan. He’s made of worries, and doubts, and Felix immediately spots how he has this stupid tendency to overanalyze every event and every word coming from his mouth. Certainty is definitely not something of his competence.
Stupid Libras and their stupid indecisiveness.
“So, webtoon,” Seungmin changes the topic, and Felix gives him a look full of gratitude. The boy may be a little shit, but turns into a softie when it comes to Felix. “How’s the process going? Any new ideas?”
Felix immediately flushes under everyone’s gazes. Well, he got new idea, that are slowly turning into a plot, and he probably has his main character by now, but there is one small and embarrassing detail about this whole thing.
“Why are you flushing?” Minho asks, leaning against the other side of the table. “You’ve settled on kittens and butts idea, didn’t you? Can’t blame you, indeed,” he says with a smug smirk playing on his lips.
“No—it’s not like that,” Felix quickly denies, checking the pulse point on his wrist. Stupid habit. “Okay, so Seungmin told me to draw something close to my heart. And, uhm, I’m a college student, right?” Felix decides to speak in a roundabout way, and Hyunjin stares at him like he’s an idiot. “And this is something close to me, but at the same time I wanted to make a meaningful story, with a hero, or something like that,” he gulps, feeling his whole face turning red. “But I don’t want to deal with supernatural things, too complicated for me now, so I decided maybe-uhm,” Felix stutters, looking at his sketchbook and wishing the earth to swallow him right now. “Maybe make this character, who is like, helping everyone, despite being just a human, but who gets too tangled in his own worries and learns how to deal with them while caring about others,” he finishes his speech in one breath, still too flustered to look at anyone.
“So, you’re drawing a story about Chan-hyung,” Hyunjin asks, and Felix doesn’t need to look up to see him sneering mockingly.
“No!” Felix almost shouts, drawing the attention of the girls standing nearby. They throw him judging glances, and he nods apologizingly, feeling even more embarrassed. “I mean, he’s more like a reference.”
“Reference, my ass,” Minho huffs. “You’re so whipped, Lix.”
Felix covers his face with his hands, and mumbles ‘I know’, his reply sounding completely muffled.
“The idea is not that bad, though,” Seungmin notes, and again, Felix is thankful for the last grain of sanity within his friend group. “Just think how to tell it not in a super cliché way, and I’m sure it will work perfectly.” Seungmin is a writing major, so Felix really looks out for his advices according character’s designs and stories.
“Thank you, Min,” Felix looks at the boy and smiles softly. “And you two are annoying,” smile falls from his lips as he looks at Hyunjin and Minho, eyes almost piercing through them.
They just give him a simple shrug because, well, they know.
*
Chan can’t fall asleep.
He should have gotten used to it by now, but it still strikes him forcefully, making his insides turn, not in a good way, and head hurting.
It would be great if you could just turn off your mind. Press the button, and all the thoughts are gone all at once, leaving you at peace, silencing you softly to sleep. When he was a sophomore, his senior, Jae, told him that he doesn’t even have an internal monologue, and Chan remembers being so envious. He’d rather see images in his head, than deal with this useless rambling going on continuously.
His breathing starts getting chaotic, as he inhales and exhales louder, than usual. This is also not a rare occurrence, Chan still remembers his first panic attack, with lungs almost breaking and head almost splitting, and he’d rather not have the repetition of those nights.
He takes out his phone from under his pillow, thankfully fully charged, and opens his messaging app. Chan’s fingers hover over the Felix’s icon, and goes up straight to the chat.
last seen at 2.15 AM
Five minutes ago. Likely he’s not sleeping. Before he can think this through, Chan starts typing against his screen.
Channie
hey
you here?
Chan feels his heart exploding a little, but not from the panic or disturbing thoughts this time, as he waits for the reply. It comes quick.
Felix <3
hey hyung
yep still working
is everything ok?
Channie
yeah
uhm
i don’t feel good tbh
Felix <3
oh
hyung :(
do you wanna talk or
i can send you memes or smth like that
Channie
can we meet?
Felix <3
like now?
Channie
yeah if it’s
if it’s okay
but if you have work that’s also fine
it’s just
ugh
okay forget it just send me memes
Felix <3
nonononnonono
that’s cool hyung
i need a distraction
or my eyes will burst out
omw to your room
give me 5 min
Channie
dress up warmly
it’s cold
Chan swiftly gets up, throws over one of his warmest hoodies and a jacket, and rushes out of the door. He spots Felix approaching from afar, with his pink hoodie that is matching his hair, making him standout from the darkness even more. Gentle smile graces his lips as soon as he sees Chan, eyes also turning into an eye smile.
Chan wants to put this boy in his pocket and never let go.
“Where are we going?” Felix asks right away, and starts to walk ahead, so Chan follows him.
“I thought about convenience store down the road. We could eat snacks and maybe drink something warm.”
Felix nods, showing his silent agreement. They walk in silence for the first ten minutes, and Chan is thankful that Felix doesn’t push him to talk. He still needs time to gather his thoughts together to make out something distinct. Felix’s shoulder softly brushes against Chan’s one, and he unconsciously leans into touch, trying to stick closer. He watches as Felix lets out a small smile at this, biting down on his bottom lip.
“So,” Felix clears his throat. “What happened?”
“I can’t sleep.”
Saying it out loud feels challenging, scary but freeing at the same time. Like something took a hold on his heart, and there it is, a long awaited release, coming down his body.
“I kind of guessed, hyung,” Felix sighs. “But why? What bothers you?”
“My sleeping patterns were always kind of wrecked, to be honest. But, you know, it wasn’t something bad or disturbing before. I would work with Changbin and Jisung, do my studies, try myself in composing, and just sleep whenever I feel like it,” Chan stops to take a breath. He thought it would be a difficult thing, to let it all out, but once he started pouring it all he feels like he is unable to stop. “But last year, and through this year… I can’t physically sleep. I can’t even work when I can’t sleep. It’s just thoughts, and thoughts, after thoughts. They fill me in, and eat me on the inside and I just can’t shut it.”
“What kind of thoughts, hyung?” Felix asks quietly, Chan supposes that's because he is trying not to scare him away.
“It’s my last year of college,” Chan lets out a sad laugh. “And I’m baffled, and puzzled, and confused. Scared and anxious of what is coming next. I need to think of a job, or a career, where to live, how to eat. And I don’t know what to do, just don’t know where to start. I’m music major, but god knows what I can do with this.”
“But you’re amazing, Chris,” Chan’s breath hitches at the name.
“There are a lot of amazing people, Lix. Around me, around you, everyone is talented. Me being amazing is not the guarantee that I will make it.”
“Then don’t focus on it,” Felix replies. “You like making music, don’t you?” Chan nods meekly at the question. “So, just make it, Chris. Make music, if that’s what makes you happy. You can do this even if you’ll be working some places, you’re not obliged to make money from this, or make it your job. You’ll manage.”
The dedication and passion in Felix’s voice startles Chan, just slightly, but still. He never thought about this in this key, and thinking through what Felix has said does bring a tingle of hope to him. It’s still small, Chan hardly feels it, but it’s there, and it brings a grain of comfort in his chest.
“I am not sure that I will make it as an artist either,” Felix continues. “I just know that I like drawing. And sharing stories that I tell through drawing. And it makes me happy, and that’s what I focus on.”
“How are you younger than me?” Chan asks, nudging Felix playfully. The latter breaks out in a loud laugh, and Chan can’t help but follow along. “Maybe you should replace me in ‘Chan’s Room’.”
“Let’s do this together,” Felix winks, titling his head to look at Chan.
Fucking winks.
“You’re such a Virgo,” Chan says, rolling his eyes.
“I’ve told you astrology is sick.”
The rest of the night is like a breath of fresh air. They buy ramen, settling down on the stools in convenience store, phone pressed against a can of cola to fixate it in one place. Felix says he will choose the video to watch, and plays one called ‘Ranking zodiac signs from best to worst’ on The Try Guys channel. Chan laughs so hard, and they bicker at everything playfully, and Chan feels really sorry for a young girl behind the counter, as the books on her table indicate that she wanted to study.
They also hug. A lot. Felix slowly starts leaning into Chan’s touch, and the latter can’t help but put his arm around him, pulling him tighter. He spots how Felix tenses up at first, but relaxes when Chan starts rubbing his arm soothingly. It supposed to cause Chan’s breath hitching, and his palms sweating, and shivers running down his spine, but all he feels is peace. And comfort. And he swears he can feel faint fragrance of the ocean.
Chan feels at peace.
On their way back home they are met with a stunning sunrise, morning freshness slowly taking over the calmness of the night. Chan didn’t sleep at all, but feels as awake, as ever, with his own fingers tangled in Felix’s ones.
Chan sees Felix off to his room, not really knowing how to say their goodbyes. Felix leans back on the door, looking at Chan with something familiar, yet strange. Like mischievousness, but still with a tint of sobriety.
“I like you,” Felix says calmly.
Chan’s heart doesn’t even skip a beat (maybe just a little) when he replies, “I like you too.”
Felix grins widely, biting down on his lower lip, and god help me. He stretches his arm and grasps Chan’s hoodie, pulling the boy closer, and their chests collide. They’re so close that Chan swears he can count all the freckles on his face, feeling his breath playing softly somewhere near his mouth. “Kiss me, then,” Felix whispers with a dare, right into the other boy’s lips.
The brush of their lips is gentle, and Chan feels the taste of soda still lingering on Felix’s mouth. He feels as the younger boy smiles, cupping Chan’s face with his free hand, the other one still grasping onto his hoodie tightly. Felix’s nibbles softly on Chan’s lower lip, and he gasps, as he feels his knees are going completely weak.
They pull back, and Chan thinks Felix’s face is the most beautiful thing in the world, with the way his dark eyes are sparkling and pink strands of hair falling down on his forehead.
“So, we’re dating now, right?” Felix chuckles skittishly.
Chan’s laugh echoes through the empty halls of the dormitory.
“Definitely a Virgo.”
*
“Hey guys and welcome!” Chan greets everyone, waving to the camera eagerly. He lets out sincere laugh at the splutter of emotional comments, and people cheerfully greeting him back. “So, today I actually have a guest, just as I have promised. Also a hot, Australian boy, just like me.”
[_sungie_]: felix come out
[changbinniebin]: hyung you should be more humble
[h_yunjinnie]: I’m hotter than both of you
Felix plops down in the chair near him, and Chan can’t help but stop his gaze for a little bit longer than he should. “Hello guys, I’m Felix!” The boy greets, smiling widely. “You have a really nice voice,” Felix reads out a comment out loud. “Oh, thank you so much! I’m sure your voice is nicer.”
“Don’t flirt with my audience,” Chan nags playfully, holding onto his heart, mouth open in fake surprise.
“I’m sorry,” Felix replies as playfully, mimicking Chan’s pose. “Chan, you look happier, than usual,” Felix picks up a comment to read out loud again. “I wonder why, hyung?”
Chan just shrugs, and looks at Felix who gives out the brightest grin.
This is what happiness looks like.