Work Text:
“Fuck!”
Her scream is loud, punctuated by the sound of her coffee cup hitting the bulkhead. The liquid flies everywhere, dripping down the bulkhead, and soaking into the carpet. Her quarters are in a state of disarray, PADDs have been flung to the floor, and this is not the first object she’s replicated just to go and destroy. They are docked above Earth, so she doesn’t have to worry about replicator rations anymore and has been taking full advantage of that fact.
A vase materializes, only to be thrown at the same bulkhead that has coffee drying on it, followed by an anguished scream from Kathryn.
“God fucking dammit!” She yells, her voice hoarse from the fit she’s been throwing for the last half an hour.
She stands in the carnage, knowing that she will have to clean it soon, but she just basks in the quiet for a moment, breathing heavily and angrily wiping tears from her cheeks. Of all the things that she expected their homecoming to bring, a tirade of breaking things in her soundproofed quarters is not it. Kathryn has imagined a slew of happier scenarios, and a fair share of bittersweet ones as well, but none of them compare to the anguish that she feels now.
He promised. She thinks.
I promised.
“Well, what a load of shit that was.” Kathryn growls as she replicates something to help her clean up the broken glass that lies on the floor.
Kathryn tries to quell her rage as she cleans, tries to reign it back into the box it had been neatly placed into, but it’s not working. Each shard of glass she picks up, each coffee stain she cleans up only serve to remind her of why she is angry in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle of shifting blame and anger that leaves her more exhausted than (almost) anything that they had ever faced in the Delta Quadrant.
They all beam down to Earth tomorrow, and Kathryn isn’t sure she will be able to handle saying goodbye to Chakotay and Seven together, although she knows it’s what she must do. She must pretend like she is happy for them, when really it’s tearing her apart from the inside out. It seems plausible that if she doesn’t get this rage under control, she will likely have a repeat performance of what happened just now, and she knows she can’t very well keep destroying things to make herself feel better.
She recycles the cleaning the materials and stands in the silence. Her heart weighs heavy with regret, with all their missed opportunities, her unwillingness to take the step they both wanted to take, the rapid deterioration of their relationship the last few years. Kathryn must mourn for what they could have had if things had been different. She understands why the Admiral traveled back to that moment to try and get them home faster. She understands the pain of not having Chakotay in her life now. She knows that the actions of the Admiral were selfish to a degree, and yet she cannot fault the version of her that no longer exists.
And yet, she was still too late.
“The time is 1700 hours.” The computer cuts through her reverie.
Time for the farewell party that Tom put together last minute. Kathryn does not want to go, not while she feels like this, but she knows that as captain, she must. She will be expected to make a speech, to be happy and delighted that they are home. On some level, she is happy that they are home, overjoyed in fact. On another, however, she is going to miss her crew and all the good times they had along the way. She sighs and heads to her room to get dressed.
As she is rifling through her closet to figure out what she wants to wear, the door to her quarters chimes. She freezes, ice flooding her veins. She is not expecting anyone, and part of her knows it is Chakotay on the other side of her door. She knows that she should let him in, that she should hear him out and try and understand why he made the decision he did. But she is not feeling so generous tonight.
She ignores the chime. Her eyes land on a blue dress that she hasn’t worn in years, and she smiles.
————————
For the last hour and a half, Kathryn has been saying goodbye to her crew and personally transporting them down to Earth to various different locations. It’s been emotionally taxing, and yet she knows that the worst is yet to come. Senior staff is the last to leave, and she is expecting them to start showing up soon. For what feels like the millionth time, Kathryn promises herself that she will not cry. Saying goodbye to Naomi and Sam Wildman had nearly broken her.
The sound of a cooing baby meets her ears, and she turns to see Tom, B’Elanna, and Miral coming into the transporter room. Kathryn feels a flood of affection for the small family before her. Much like she is proud of Harry, she is also proud of Tom and B’Elanna and how much they have grown throughout the journey. It is wonderful to her that they found each other and have started a small family.
“How is she?” Kathryn asks, smiling down at Miral.
“Mercifully quiet for now.” B’Elanna responds. “Would you like to hold her?”
“I’d love to.” She takes Miral gently into her arms, and marvels at the way the baby smiles up at her, reaching for her hair. She laughs when Miral gets a hold of it and tugs. “She’s beautiful.”
Kathryn hands Miral back to B’Elanna and fights back tears. “I’m going to miss you both very dearly. I’ll tell you the same that I’ve told everyone so far. You call me if you need anything, including a babysitter.”
Tom and B’Elanna say their thank you’s and return the sentiments. B’Elanna gives her husband a look, and he nods, taking Miral and their bags and moving them to the transporter pad. Kathryn is curious as to what they had communicated about silently, until B’Elanna starts talking.
“Captain, please excuse me if I’m overstepping, but I just wanted to tell you that Chakotay and Seven were standing behind us in line.” B’Elanna looks to the doors of the transporter room. “I know that things are difficult between you and Chakotay for obvious reasons right now, and I thought it would be best if you were prepared to see both him and Seven at once.”
Kathryn feels anger swelling up inside her, hot and fast, but she tamps it down. “Thank you, B’Elanna. I appreciate the warning.”
The younger woman nods. “I yelled at him, you know.”
Kathryn raises her eyebrows. “You did?”
“Yes. I told him that it was an idiotic decision, especially when he had you in front of him this whole time. I’m not going to pretend to know exactly what’s happened between you two these last seven years, but I do know that there’s definitely something. He’s being a stupid old man, and I let him know it. He didn’t even really fight back. All he said was that he was happy with Seven and he’d be staying close to wherever it is that she’s going.” B’Elanna takes a deep breath before forging on. “I know that I’m actually overstepping here, but Captain, so many of us were thinking that it would be you two together when we got home. We watched you two lead us through countless life or death situations, even when you were at odds. We watched two people who were supposed to be enemies forge a strong bond, one that was very clearly more than professional. Chakotay is truly blind if he didn’t see what was right in front of him.”
To both women’s surprise, Kathryn pulls B’Elanna into a hug. She locks eyes with Tom, whose expression mirrors everything that his wife has just said to her.
“What I’m about to say doesn’t leave this room.” Kathryn says. “But at this point, I’m no longer your Captain. If we were really that transparent, and if you really thought he and I would be together when we got here, you have a right to know.”
Both Tom and B’Elanna nod. Kathryn runs her hands down her face and clasps them together in front of her mouth. “Our relationship was doomed from the start. We let ourselves get close on that planet, and then we let ourselves get close again upon returning to Voyager. We made a promise, but somewhere we seem to have forgotten why we made that promise. I could feel him pulling away but I thought it was because of how difficult things had been just before we came home. Now I know that it was for a completely different reason.”
“The fucking nerve of that man, I swear.” B’Elanna growls.
“It’s alright.” Kathryn lies. “We’re both adults and things change. I appreciate your support, though. I really do.”
B’Elanna nods and steps onto the transporter pad with Tom. Before Kathryn beams them to San Francisco, Tom says his piece.
“He’s going to have to prove a lot if he ever realizes his mistake and wants you back. He’s going to have to prove a lot to you, and to me, too.” Tom’s tone is serious.
Kathryn’s heart swells with affection. “Yes, Tom. He is.”
————————
It is almost as horrible as she feared it would be. Chakotay and Seven walk in, and stand in front of Kathryn. Seven immediately begins conversing with Kathryn, and Chakotay cannot seem to meet her eyes. It causes ire to rise in her.
“Captain.” Seven says. “I wish to thank you for all that you have done for me. I recognize that I was often ‘difficult to deal with,’ however I do not want you to mistake that as a lack of appreciation or respect for you on my part.”
“Of course not, Seven.” Kathryn assures the younger woman. “That’s what part of figuring out who you are entails. You’re going to butt heads with people on all sorts of matters throughout your life. Just because we didn’t always see eye to eye doesn’t mean I thought you didn’t respect me. And for the record, I never lost my respect for you in those moments either.”
The way Chakotay tugs his ear at her words is telling. She is glad he understands the double meaning of her words. She was not just talking about herself and Seven. She is talking about them.
“Where are you two headed?” Kathryn asks.
“Chakotay has agreed to help me get settled in with my Aunt Irene.” Seven turns to Chakotay with a small smile, and Kathryn’s heart breaks a little bit more than it already has. “I have the coordinates here, as well as a way to contact me should you wish to do so. You are quite important to me, and I would like to keep you in my life.”
“Of course, Seven.” Kathryn smiles warmly at the other woman. She cannot hold this situation against her, nor does she.
Seven moves to stand on the transporter pad and Chakotay lingers. He looks up at her and she can see so much that he wants to say. She has so much to say to him too, but now is not the time. Perhaps it will never be.
“Thank you for all that you did through this whole journey. I do not think we could have made it this far without you.” Kathryn’s tone is sincere. It pains her that they are not leaving together, but she cannot find it in herself to be angry in this moment.
“It’s been an honor, Captain.” He says, his tone equally sincere. He lingers, and Kathryn’s breathing stops momentarily. Then, he turns and takes his place next to Seven on the pad.
Kathryn watches them disappear into streams of blue light. Only then do the tears start.
————————
The bar is dark, and she can’t really make out the faces around her. It is exactly what she needs. She doesn’t want to see the people around her, and she does not want the people here to see who she is. The music is loud, almost loud enough to drown out her thoughts. The alcohol is making up for the rest.
Kathryn motions for the bartender to give her another drink, and she downs it in one go. She hangs her head and sighs, wondering how it only took her a week after getting home to get to this point. She has been doing so well, adjusting to her life as an Admiral, and developing a routine around sitting behind a desk all day. Some part of her realizes that throwing herself into her work is an unhealthy way of coping with all the things she’s been feeling, but the part of her that kept saying that it is the only thing she can do is the part that ultimately won that argument.
“Can I buy you a drink?” A woman has appeared at Kathryn’s side and she looks up, startled.
“Under any other circumstances, I would say yes.” Kathryn smiles sadly. “But tonight I’ll have to decline.”
The woman nods. “I hope you sort out whatever demons are plaguing you tonight.”
Kathryn murmurs her thanks. She stands to leave, but stops when she becomes aware of a presence behind her. The hair on the back of her neck stands up, and her body goes still. Kathryn knows that presence, had felt it by her side for seven years. It is not one she could ever forget. All at once she feels anger, sadness, resentment, and hope rush through her, yet she is too stunned to move.
Out of all the places, it had to be a seedy downtown bar. Out of any time, it had to be while the wounds were still fresh. Kathryn doesn’t care if this happened on purpose or on accident, though she knows most likely it was on accident, but it does not stop her from being frustrated. She turns her head slightly to the side, and in the corner of her eye she sees that she is not alone in being stunned.
Kathryn takes a steadying breath before turning around to lock eyes with the man who once promised to really start again once they came home.
“Chakotay.”