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She leaves almost immediately after he sees him, and he watches helplessly for a moment as she stalks away from him, out the door, and into the night. Only when the bartender gives him a look does he shake out of his stupor and follow her out into the night.
“Kathryn.” He calls after her. “Kathryn, please! Just hear me out.”
She whips around, fury burning in her eyes. “Why the hell should I listen to you right now?”
“Because there are things that we need to talk about,” Chakotay cautiously steps toward her, “And there are things that you need to know.”
Kathryn rolls her eyes and takes off walking down the street again. Chakotay holds back a groan of frustration, moving to follow her. Chakotay is not sure if trying to talk to a drunk Kathryn is wise, but he knows that they need to have this conversation now, because if they don’t, they never will.
Suddenly, Kathryn stops walking and turns around to face him again. The fury he saw there before is still there, shining bright behind a layer of unshed tears.
“Fine.” She crosses her arms. “My curiosity has got the best of me. Do tell, what do I need to know?”
“I’m not seeing Seven anymore.”
Her reaction is almost imperceptible, but Chakotay didn’t spend seven years at this woman’s side not to know her tells, even now. Her stance falters before she regains control, and her jaw tightens. She nods at him to continue, and hope swells momentarily in his chest because finally she’s listening to him.
He tugs at his earlobe. “Seven has been doing a lot of work recently on figuring out who she is and what she wants. She sat me down the other night, and I believe her exact words were that she has ‘little to no interest in a romantic or sexual relationship at this time.’ We parted amicably, and we do still keep in touch. She really has been doing well since we got back.” At Kathryn’s glare, Chakotay straightens up and continues. “That’s not all, though. During the long conversation she and I had when we split up, Seven suspected that there was something going on between us. She said that she wasn’t sure what it was, but that she had heard the rumors about us aboard Voyager. Seven was worried that by initiating something with me, she came between us.”
At his words, Kathryn’s expression softens. “Please tell me you told her that that isn’t true.”
“Of course.” He reassures her. “I told her that things were… different with us.”
Kathryn scoffs. “That’s the understatement of the century.”
Chakotay looks down at his feet, unsure of how to continue. In many cases he has found that once he gets past the first barriers of an uncomfortable conversation, it is easier to keep going. Now, though, he is at a loss for words. He doesn’t want to scare Kathryn away, but there are things he needs to say to her. There is every possibility that they will drive her away but he needs to tell her.
“Is that it?” Kathryn is clearly annoyed, and moving to turn away again. “Because if that’s it, you seriously should have let me leave the bar alone and sent me a message or something. And on second thought, why where you at the bar anyway? If things went so well with your break up, why the hell did you need to come to a seedy bar?”
“Why the hell were you at a seedy bar?” He counters.
“That’s none of your fucking business.” Her voice is dangerously low.
Aboard Voyager, that tone would alert him that he needed to step back. But not here. Not now. They are not on Voyager, and she is not in command of him anymore. He is angry, and needs to see this through. He thinks of the last time they fought like this, how they threw physical and verbal punches. Part of him thinks that this fight will end up much the same.
“Actually, I think it is.” Chakotay says. “I think you were there for the very same reason that I was. Mourning something you can’t have, only to have that something show up.”
“You can’t be serious.” Kathryn runs a hand through her hair. “You actually think that I’m so fucking cut up about you that I needed to go drink myself into a stupor?”
Her words sting, but he knows that she chose them purposefully. “More like you’re pissed about the cards we were dealt.”
Kathryn laughs mirthlessly. “Haven’t heard that one in a while. Must’ve been the last time you stayed late after dinner.”
Chakotay sighs and looks at Kathryn. “I’m sorry. Truly, I am. I know that I fucked up by starting something with Seven and not saying anything to you. B’Elanna let me know as much, and judging by the look on your face right now, I know she told you that she did. I know that it’s probably the last thing you need or want to hear right now, but I need you to know that despite everything, despite what it seems like, I still love you.” He sees the rage in her about to explode and he quickly moves to speak again. “I know that it doesn’t seem like it, and it’s well within your rights to tell me to fuck off and to not trust me. I just needed you to know that it’s true.”
Anticipation courses through him as he watches her process his words. She takes a deep breath, and he can see the anger in her unfurling to its full force, and he knows he will be lucky to escape this moment unscathed.
“How the fuck can I trust your word when you fucked me for four years and then just stopped one day and started going out with Seven? When we fucking promised each other ten years or we get home. When did it get so fucking unbearable between us that you left me for Seven of all god damn people?” Her eyes search the space behind him, and he recognizes that she is trying to fight back tears. “Against my better judgement, I believe you. I believe you because I know that this whole situation is partially my fault. I’m not trying to put the blame all on you, Chakotay, but fuck, I am so angry with you right now and I need to let that go before I can even think about getting anywhere else in this situation.”
Chakotay nods in acceptance, knowing better than to say anything more. He has said what he needed to say, and now it is up to Kathryn to decide when they open up this path of conversation again. Despite everything, he feels lighter than he has in months.
“I’m going to go home now.” Kathryn says, her voice suddenly devoid of the raw anger that was there moments ago. “We’re not done with this, but I need to be done with it for tonight. I’ll call you once I’ve cooled down. Deal?”
“Deal.” He says.
She nods and walks off into the night.
Chakotay sighs and walks back into the bar.
———————
“Admiral.” Seven’s pleased tone greets Kathryn over the view screen. “It is a pleasure to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too, Seven.” Kathryn smiles warmly at the other woman. “I hope you and your aunt are doing well?”
“I am well, thank you. I am adjusting to living here quite well. My aunt is also doing fine. She has moments of confusion now and again, but for the most part she is lucid.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re both doing well. Keep me updated on your aunt, though. If you ever need my help with anything, please do not hesitate to contact me.”
Seven smiles gently, “Of course. Thank you, Admiral.”
There is a momentary lapse in conversation and Kathryn doesn’t know how to proceed. She called to check up on Seven first and foremost, however, she also needs to talk to her about Chakotay. The difficult part is figuring out how to segue into the subject.
Thankfully, Seven has not lost her tendency of being blunt. “I wish to speak with you about Chakotay, if that is alright.”
Kathryn lets out a small chuckle despite herself. “I’m glad you said that, Seven. I wanted to talk about him as well. What’s on your mind?”
“I want to apologize for coming between you two.” Seven says. “I was aware of the rumors aboard Voyager, yet elected to pursue Chakotay anyway. It was inappropriate of me to do so.”
Kathryn sighs. “You did nothing wrong, please know that. I wasn’t up to date on the rumors by the time you two got together, but I’m certain that whatever they were, they were outdated. Things between me and Chakotay have been…complicated for many years, even before you came aboard Voyager. My point is, you don’t owe me an apology at all.”
“You’re not angry with me?”
Kathryn’s heart breaks at Seven’s words. “Of course not. Did you think I was?”
“Shortly after we arrived on Earth, I asked Chakotay why the two of you didn’t have a lengthier goodbye. I know that you two are very important two each other, and the brief words you both spoke did not seem to adequately express that. He said nearly the same things that you just said to me: that your relationship has been complicated for a long time. I was concerned that I had angered you by pursuing the brief relationship I had with Chakotay.” Seven’s eyes would not meet Kathryn’s.
“Seven, I was never angry with you.” Kathryn says softly. “I was angry with Chakotay, and quite frankly I still am.”
“Have you spoken with him?” Seven inquires.
“Well…I wouldn’t really say that ‘spoken’ is the right word, but we did have a discussion of sorts, yes.”
Seven nods. “And did you hear him out?”
Kathryn is suddenly struck with how strange it is to be having this discussion with Seven. It was always her giving advice, not the other way around. She sees that this is where this situation is headed, and although part of her wants to shut it down, she knows she can’t, because she knows that this is instrumental in her healing process.
“Yes and no.” Kathryn’s hand comes to rest gently on her chest, as if to protect her heart. “I heard what he had to say, but my anger made it too difficult for me to actually listen to what he was saying and I unleashed hell on him.”
“If you are calmer now, perhaps it would be beneficial for you to contact him once again so that you two may have a more productive discussion.” Seven suggests. “I care deeply about you both, and wish for you two to be happy.”
“Thank you, Seven.” Kathryn smiles.
After they hang up, Kathryn sighs and runs a hand through her hair. She knows she needs to talk to Chakotay, and yet she doesn’t know what she wants to say. The things she had said the other night outside the bar encompassed all of what she was and still is feeling. She doesn’t know if she’s ready to let him back in her life like that anytime soon, but she knows that she does want him back in her life.
At least, she thinks she does.
————————
Kathryn calls Chakotay shortly thereafter and sets up a meeting with him. She tries to gather her thoughts in the time between their call and when he is supposed to come over to her apartment. There are few times in her life when she’s felt as nervous as she feels now, and she tries to disperse the nervous energy by cleaning her apartment, making coffee, and even debates rearranging her furniture, but eventually decides against it.
By the time 1800 hours rolls around, Kathryn is on the verge of a breakdown. She’s gone over all the things she wants to say, she’s thought about all of the things that have happened the past seven years, and she’s relived every moment. She feels no closer to being ready to face this, but she knows she must. And she will.
Her door chimes and she all but jumps off of her couch. She opens the door and her heart nearly stops at the sight of him. Chakotay looks like how Kathryn feels, and she knows she must look the same to him. She steps aside and motions him inside. They are standing in the entryway looking at each other, and Kathryn feels herself getting lost in his gaze like she used to.
“Thank you for coming.” She says eventually, her voice soft.
“Of course.” He says, as if there had been any chance of him saying not to her.
“Let’s sit.” She cringes internally. She hates how awkward this is.
Chakotay nods and follows her to the living room, where they sit on opposite ends of her couch. They cannot quite meet each others eyes, their gazes slightly off center and nervous. Kathryn knows that it is her turn to speak, yet she finds herself at a loss for words. Her anger simmers below the surface, but it’s more of a tired frustration than true anger. She sighs.
“I stand by everything I said the other night.” She starts. “Although I’m more tired than angry at this point. What hurts me the most about this is that you didn’t even tell me. You could’ve just said that you wanted to stop because of Seven. I would’ve been devastated, sure, but I would’ve learned to live with it. You broke that promise so thoroughly that it makes me wonder if you really do still love me.”
Chakotay nods, but keeps his silence. Kathryn takes a deep breath and forges on.
“Like I said, I know that I’m not blameless in this.” She continues. “I know that I was already well on my way towards becoming the Admiral and that I was reckless in a lot of situations. It’s enough to make anyone question why they’ve promised themselves to someone. It just hurts that you didn’t think to tell me before continuing to pursue Seven.”
It looks like he’s about to say something, but then he shakes his head almost imperceptibly and looks down. Kathryn wonders momentarily what he was going to say, but then he speaks.
“I’m sorry, Kathryn. I truly am.” He looks her in the eyes. “I did not act appropriately in the situation we were in and I very much regret my actions. I let vanity and anger get in the way of what I knew was right in front of me, and that caused you immense pain. That will be something I regret for the rest of my life.”
And there it is. The apology she has been waiting for, finally tumbling forth from his lips. It placates her, and makes her feel ever so slightly at peace about the horrible situation between the two of them. She feels as though a weight has been lifted from her body, and she can see that it seems to be the same for him. They are on equal footing now, or at least, more equal than they have been in a while.
“One thing still bothers me, though.” Kathryn looks down at where her hands are tangled in her lap. “It’s why you did it.”
Chakotay reaches to tug his earlobe and Kathryn’s heart drops into her stomach. She knows that gesture, and she knows she’s not going to like his answer. She steels herself for it nonetheless.
“Like I said,” Self-deprecation evident in his tone, “Vanity and anger. Out of all the men on the ship, Seven had decided to pursue me. It was flattering, and I let myself get swept up in it. And I was angry at you for God knows what at that point, so I let that cloud my judgment and smother my common sense.”
Kathryn nods, her lips pursed together. She was right, she did not like his answer, but she still feels better having heard it. The difficult bit now is deciding where she wants to go. They sit in silence for a few minutes while Kathryn gathers her thoughts into some semblance of order.
“We worked together and saw each other through so much that towards the end, it felt like your feelings were indistinguishable from mine. I needed you, and I was so grateful to have you there through it all. Your companionship, your guidance, your love.” Kathryn pauses to fight back tears. “But right now, I need to figure out how to be Kathryn again. I need to learn who I am now after everything we’ve experienced, and I think that I need to do it alone. When we’re both ready, we can try and figure this out again, if that’s what we both want. This is not me saying that I don’t love you anymore, because believe me, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I just think that we need to take the time to figure out if this is truly right for us.”
Her words hang heavy in the air, and she holds her breath as he processes them. It feels like a breakup, but in reality they were never together and if they had been, Chakotay had broken them up when he started dating Seven. It’s all surreal, and Kathryn feels a bit like she’s suffocating. She never thought that their relationship would deteriorate like this.
“I think you’re right,” Chakotay says eventually. “I think time apart to figure ourselves out will do us some good.”
“Thank you for understanding.” Kathryn lets out a breath she doesn’t know she’s been holding.
Chakotay stands up and Kathryn follows suit. He holds out his hand and she takes it, both of them squeezing gently. Their eyes linger for longer than they probably should given the circumstances, but eventually, Chakotay releases her hand and moves towards the door.
“The graduation ceremony for the new Cadets is in three months.” Kathryn calls out. “How about we meet there and see where we’re at?”
Chakotay turns around and nods. “Three months it is. Be well in the meantime, Kathryn.”
Her heart breaks just a little bit at his words. “You too, Chakotay.”
She watches the door shut behind him, and lets a single tear slip down her cheek.
———————
Three months later.
The ballroom is lavishly decorated, banners and balloons everywhere celebrating this year’s fresh crew of new Cadets. The keynote speaker, a famous Bolian author, had been excellent, and the valedictorian speech had been inspiring. Kathryn watches proudly as a new generation of Starfleet officers are given their certificates and new assignments. She watches from the sidelines as they all mingle together, taking photographs with each other and with their beloved professors. It is joyous, and it is beautiful.
Kathryn cannot help her nerves from being on high alert, however. She has been awaiting this day with anticipation that is much different from that of the newly graduated students. She knows what today is, and after three months of getting to know herself once again and figuring out what she wants, she must face Chakotay and tell him. Kathryn is sure of what she wants, but the fear of him not feeling the same is what makes her heart catch in her throat whenever she thinks about it. She has not seen him thus far, and it makes her think that maybe his decision was that they should not try again and his way of telling her is not showing up.
So, when a waiter carrying champagne passes her, she picks one up. And another, and another. She talks with the young Cadets that approach her, and in those moments, she is truly happy, and willing to give them any advice that they ask for. In the moments between, her mind is fixated on one person, searching him out in the crowd.
She is in the process of talking with Tuvok, who had taken a teaching position at the Academy, when she sees a flurry of movement to her right. Her eyes flick over and her heart drops into her stomach. It is Chakotay, trying as politely as possible to make his way through a crowd of curious Cadets. Tuvok senses her distraction and turns to see what is happening. He then turns back to her, his voice slightly quieter than it has been.
“Are you sure you are prepared for this?” He asks. “I know that this has been a source of distress for many years even prior to the two of you agreeing to take time for yourselves.”
Kathryn smiles fondly at him. “Yes, Tuvok. I’m ready.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m ready to say my part, at least. I’m scared as hell of what he’s going to say in response, but I need to know.”
“I will be here, should you need me.”
“Thank you, old friend.”
Kathryn catches Chakotay’s eyes and nods her head towards the exit to the balcony. He nods and gives her a look that says I’ll be there as soon as I get out of this situation, and she smiles in understanding.
It feels like a good sign that they can still communicate without words.
She’s leaning on the handrail looking out at the Bay when she finally feels his presence behind her. She doesn’t turn around as she speaks.
“It’s strange having all those young people treating you like you’re the one who hung the stars, isn’t it?”
She hears him chuckle in response. “It certainly is something.”
He comes to stand next to her, his back resting against the handrail. They do not look at each other, but the tension is still there. Kathryn feels it pass between the two of them, and something warms in her stomach.
“How have you been the last few months?” She asks, trying to play herself off as being nonchalant, when really all she wants is to know what he’s been thinking.
Chakotay shrugs. “I’ve been alright. I’ve been out in the field participating in a couple different archaeological digs. I actually wanted to apologize for being late, the dig I was on ended up taking an unexpected extra day, and I only just got back about two hours ago.”
Kathryn waves him off, trying not to show her immense relief. “It’s perfectly alright. Although it’s a shame, you did miss a few very good speeches.”
She finally looks at him and is stricken with how relaxed he looks. The spark in his eye that she used to love is back, and there’s a teasing smile on his lips. It produces one of her own.
“What about you, Kathryn?” He asks. “How have you been?”
“Busy as ever.” She laughs. “I thought life behind a desk would be boring, but they have me running back and forth from meetings to hearings to paperwork all day everyday. I’m exhausted by the time I get home.”
Chakotay echos her laugh in response. Then, it falls silent as both of them contemplate how to breach the subject of why they were really here out on the balcony. The tension that seemed to have dissipated in the few moments of them joking is now creeping back in with every passing second and Kathryn knows she needs to say something before this meeting all becomes for nothing.
“I kept the notes.” She breathes out. He turns around to look at her, stunned. She presses on. “Every single last one. Even the ones that just said ‘I’ll see you on the bridge.’ They were in the bottom drawer of my bedside table the whole time and they were what got me through everything. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think that I had gotten too attached to our arrangement but now that we’re here at this crossroads it’s terrifying to me that this moment might mean that we walk away from each other and for the last three months, it has felt like the most important thing ever to tell you that I kept every damn note.”
“I…” Chakotay starts. Kathryn looks at him, her eyes searching his for some inkling of a response. “You kept them?”
Kathryn nods. “I still have them. They’re tucked away in my desk at home. I remember waking up every morning on Voyager after barely sleeping and read whatever note you had left me and instantly feeling better. You didn’t have to clean my uniform or leave me a note but you did, you always did, and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me. Reading them now reminds me of how desperately I wanted you to be able to stay. I know who I am now, and I’ve worked through everything that I had been feeling. In doing so, I realized that I still want you in my life.”
The smile she gets from him is brilliant, and it drains all the last bit of nervousness from her system. She takes his hand when he reaches it out to her, and allows herself to be pulled into his embrace. He holds her fiercely against him, and she in turn holds him like she’s scared to let go. When they pull apart, the way they fall into a kiss is like the most natural thing in the world. Kathryn sighs into the kiss, letting herself get carried away in feeling Chakotay’s lips against hers, feeling his hands securely on her waist, pulling her closer to him. It’s the most beautiful moment she’s had in months, and it feels long overdue.
“I came to the very same conclusion.” Chakotay whispers against her lips. “And I’ll have you, if you’ll have me.”
“I absolutely will.” Kathryn whispers back before she pulls him back in for another kiss.