Work Text:
You were working at your desk like any other day, working on consults unless you got called out on a case. You were diagnosed with Addison’s disease a few months prior after a bunch of odd symptoms, your doctor had finally figured out it was an auto-immune disease. No one on the team knew, and you wanted to keep it that way. It wasn’t that you were embarrassed, you weren’t, there was nothing you could’ve done to stop it, and in reality you consoled yourself that it wasn’t life threatening exactly, just made you feel like crap. You knew how to work around it though.
A week and a half ago your doctor had contacted you. There was a trial study that had been completed and looked promising. It was a pill a day, and had proven very effective in regulating the messed up part of the adrenal glands. She had asked if you were interested, warning you it was still testing and not a guaranteed solution, but it was having good results.
You’d agreed to try it despite some of the potential nasty side effects you would be likely subjected to, including having difficulty sleeping or not being tired, or excessive tiredness, lack of hunger, vomiting, cravings, all kinds of lovely things. The doctor had also given you a prescription for a medication that you could give yourself in a shot that was very effective in combating those side effects, and safe to take with the medication. You had joked that it would basically be like you were pregnant if you didn’t take the shots and the doctor had had to stop a smirk but she had nodded her agreement, pointing out you’d be fighting weight loss, not weight gain, but other than that it was actually pretty accurate. You had filled both prescriptions but the shots remained untouched. You were deathly afraid of shots or injections given by someone else, much less being able to give yourself one.
You were taking the pills though, and they did seem to be helping based on the tests you had gone through a few days prior, but some of the side effects were hitting you hard. The not sleeping for one, you were tired for maybe 4 hours a night. The vomiting was just starting to take hold though, it had hit over the weekend and it was now monday morning and you were fighting back a nauseous feeling, despite having not eaten anything in almost 20 hours because of not being hungry. The disease itself meant you were already suffering weight loss much more than was healthy, though you’d started wearing looser clothes to hide it. The vomiting and not being hungry wasn't really helping with that.
You were fortunate the vomiting usually seemed to subside by mid morning, so you didn’t think it would really interfere with work, and continued to not tell anyone. That morning at 9:30 though, JJ called everyone in for a case briefing. You sighed and slowly sipped some water trying to settle the nausea and entered the conference room.
The briefing had been relatively simple, they were going wheels up in 30 minutes, but before everyone had gotten up to get go bags, you had to dart to the bathroom, barely making it to the stall as the vomiting hit once again.
You had been in such a rush you hadn’t noticed the profilers exchange concerned looks, but when you got on the plane, everyone was worried and watching you. You shrugged it off saying the milk must’ve spoiled and moved on. Unfortunately for you, you were sharing rooms on this case. That meant the next morning when you woke up, like was becoming usual, rushing to the bathroom, JJ was right there with you, rubbing your back and holding your hair back. The second morning it happened, she was there again, and you started feeling guilty. Every morning for the 5 day case she was up with you as your body revolted against you. There were a couple of times you’d had to slip away to the bathroom and JJ tried to cover for you when you disappeared, but it was only working somewhat. The case closed late that night and they decided to spend one more night, and yet again, JJ was up with you. It was this morning she finally asked something instead of just silently, kindly holding your hair back. “Y/n, not to be blunt, but are you pregnant?”
You looked up slightly shocked but knew that, other than not gaining any weight, the symptoms matched up so you snorted self-deprecating and said: “No, I haven’t even had sex for almost a year, and I’m on an implant so I don’t even get my period any more.”
She frowned, as if she’d been expecting you to say yes, “Have you seen a doctor then? This isn’t good. Something’s wrong.”
You frowned but decided on a partial truth “Yes I have, and yes something’s wrong, the medication I’m on helps but it also causes all the other pregnancy like symptoms, the vomiting, not sleeping, cravings, all that.”
JJ ‘hmph’ed and said “I knew you weren’t sleeping.”
You frowned “Did I wake you up?’
“No, but I’m a mom, I wake up at the slightest noise in case it’s Henry, just habit.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. Is there anything we can do, I can do, to help you?”
“Not really.”
“Alright, I won’t say anything, and I’ve tried to divert attention, but Hotch and the team are worried, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them corners you on the jet.”
You sighed but nodded, getting up as the nausea passed.
Just as JJ had predicted, and unfortunately for you, when you got on the plane, they kept their curiosity to themselves for all of 45 minutes before Hotch called you over to him and as you sat down he spoke quietly “Are you okay, if your feeling under the weather you can take a couple of days, recharge a little.”
You smiled at him, “No, I’m good, thanks though, no cold or flu, just me.”
Hotch frowned “Look y/n I think maybe you need to see a doctor, you’ve been vomiting for the whole case, and out of sorts a bit. There’s no harm, if your okay maybe it was just a bug.”
You frowned and said “I have seen a doctor, we’re working on it.”
“On what, because in the nicest way possible, you seem to be getting worse. A month or so ago, you would be tired or look worn out. You lost weight and then started wearing loose clothes so we couldn’t tell, you’re really careful about what you eat. And then just this week, you’ve started vomiting, you’re not sleeping, I woke up a couple times and I could hear you up in your room, you look worn out, your eating things you used to refuse and make fun of Morgan for eating.”
You sighed and sat silently for a minute before saying “Fine, I didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but if we’re going to talk about this, I guess everyone deserves to know.”
Hotch called everyone up to the front of the plane, and at your directive, Morgan got Penelope on the laptop.
You breathed in nervously before starting “I know I’ve been looking kind of sick lately, and I appreciate that you’re worried about me, but I promise, I really will be okay. A while back I got diagnosed with Addison’s disease. It’s not terminal, it mostly just makes me feel like crap. Almost 2 weeks ago, my doctor contacted me with a pill that’s been promising in balancing my hormones and fixing what’s screwed up with my adrenal glands. I had a few tests a couple days before we went on the case, and it seems to be helping, but it has a lot of side effects, that you guys have all been seeing. I’m sorry for hiding it but I just wasn’t sure how to deal with it, and everyone knowing. The medication I’m on has a lot of side effects, namely vomiting, you’ve all noticed that one, as well as not sleeping much, lack of appetite interspersed with the oddest cravings, etc. I joked with my doctor that it's like being pregnant without any of the benefits. If I can answer questions I will, and I want to say that I didn’t say anything also because I don’t want anything to change. Yes, I have an autoimmune disease, no, I’m not letting it impact my life.”
The cabin was quiet for a moment before Spencer spoke up “I heard about the studies being done on treatments for it, but I thought there was some kind of antidote to some of the side effects?”
You gulped “There is, kind of. It’s not a guarantee to get rid of the vomiting and such, but it’s supposed to help.”
Derek furrowed a brow “I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive but you make it sound like you’re not interested in trying it. I mean it’s your body but I’ve watched you throw up multiple times a day all week, I would think that anything that might help, you might try?”
You decided not to get into it and just said “I have reasons I’d rather not take it.”
Dave spoke up “What are some of the symptoms of the disease rather than the side effects of the medication.”
“Allison’s usually leads to weakness or fatigue, low blood sugar, and weight loss. The last two I suffered from majorly.”
Spencer frowned “You don’t look like you’ve lost weight?”
“I started wearing bigger clothes, they hid it pretty well, hold something in front of your stomach, that kind of thing. There’s actually support groups for it online and such for people that have it even worse than me, like they throw up constantly, they look like a skeleton.”
The conversation ended and they all moved onto other things and when they landed they went back to their desks to work on cases. They turned them in and went home early, happy to have a couple extra hours to themselves.
The next morning you got in at your normal time, which was early to anyone but JJ and Hotch, but it wasn’t like you slept a ton lately anyways. You hadn’t even dropped your bag yet when Hotch walked up from refilling his coffee mug, “y/n, can you come up to my office for a minute?”
You nodded and followed him up the steps nervously as he shut the door behind you. You set your bag near the door and moved to sit down, but he gestured you over to the couch and sat down on one of the chairs next to the couch.
“What can I do for you Hotch?”
“I’m curious, and you don;t have to tell me if you really don’t want to, but why are you so against getting the 2nd medicine that could cut back some of the side effects?”
You sighed and looked at your lap before taking a break and looking up “Look, it’s kind of embarrassing, but the medicine is in those shots that you can give yourself, but I’m terrified of almost anything medical, shots and needles especially. I can barely handle getting a shot, much less even attempting to give myself one, so it’s not that I’m against it, I’m against the getting a shot portion.”
Hotch nodded thoughtfully “I guessed as much, I did a little research last night. Why don’t you ask someone else to give it to you?”
You blinked at him and said blankly “Who?”
“Me. The team.”
“No, I refuse to embarrass myself in front of one of them, you don’t understand, literally just seeing a needle and knowing I need a shot can send me into a sobbing panic.”
Hotch folded his hands under his chin and waited a beat before speaking “You know I care about the whole team right, you guys are almost like kids to me.”
You nod, it’s obvious, Dave and Hotch are the parents and you and the team are the siblings who love each other and occasionally get on each other’s nerves.
“At the risk of being too forward, when Hailey and I were trying to have Jack, she had to get these shots that would make it more likely to get pregnant, because we struggled with not getting pregnant for a long time. I already know how to give them, and no one else would have to know, you get here before almost everyone else anyways, I would be more than happy to help you. Just think about it, I’m not pressuring you, but maybe try it for a week or so and see how it goes?”
You nod and Hotch stands up and leaves his office letting you have silence for a bit before you head to your desk. The day passes slowly, as if the universe is trying to punish you for not manning, or womaning, up and just giving yourself the shots, you throw up 4 times at work alone that day.
The next morning you come in a little extra early and go straight to Hotch’s office, where he’s working away already. You knock and he calls you in. You cross your arms nervously before saying “Yesterday was one of the worst days yet, and from what I’ve read and researched, the side effects could just get worse. If you were serious, I’m willing to try it, but if I have a panic attack or make you stop you have to stop, okay?”
Hotch nodded “Always. And I was completely serious. When do you need to do it?”
“Um, any time, just once a day, now would probably be easier.”
Hotch nodded and stood up, crossing around his desk to you and rubbing your shoulder. “Do you have a shot with you?”
You nod slowly and pull a case out of your bag “I brought them this morning.”
Hotch smiles at you and locks his office door, closing the blinds, and guides you over to the sofa. He sits next to you and you gulp, already shaking. “Just breathe, it’s going to be okay, I promise it’s okay.”
You nod shakily and he rubs your back, allowing you to lean into his side for the moment. You sit sniffling as he gently holds you. All of the girls had mentioned to you at various points since joining the team that both Dave and Hotch would be there as a pseudo-parent if she ever needed one, it seemed like it was a prerequisite to join the team was having parent issues. You wondered if this is what it’s like having an attentive parent, if they sit with you and hold you when you cry, you wish you had someone like Hotch as your parent to grow up with.
After a few minutes he quietly asks “I looked some more things up last night in case you asked me to do this, you can get the shot in a couple places, do you have a place you want me to do it?”
You sniffle and don’t answer for a minute thinking about it but shrug. Hotch sighs and says “Okay, I know I said I would stop if you asked me to, and I will if you want, but might it be easier and less traumatic for you if I just give it to you and then comfort you afterwards when you’re not still worried about it happening”
You stifle your sobs in his shoulder for a minute before mumbling “I want to say no, but I think that would be better.”
“So yes?”
“Yes.” you mumble the word out pitifully, but Hotch doesn’t press fortunately.
He kisses the top of your forehead before standing up and opening the case. He grabs an alcohol wipe and one of the shots, uncapping it and pushing the air bubble out before turning to you, now openly sobbing and shaking on the couch. He sets them down on a paper towel, gently moving you so you’re laying down on your stomach with your hands pinned beneath you. He grabs the shot and wipe and turns back to you, but your mind freaks out and you try to push up, but he pins your lower back with his knee gently pushing you back down. He pushes the waistband of your pants and panties down just low enough he can get to the right spot on your lower hip, and wipes the area off setting the wipe down. He rubs you back with his left hand and tells you to breathe out, just as he quickly puts the needle in making your shriek. He pulls the needle out and sets it on the coffee table, putting a band aid over top of it quickly and fixing your pants before sitting down and pulling you almost onto his lap as you bury your face in his neck, crying and shaking.
He doesn’t say much, just gentle soothing words as he runs a hand down your back and you latch onto him. After a few minutes the raw terror and overreacted pain response dulls and you realize you just spent the last 5 minutes curled up on your bosses lap sobbing into his chest as he tried to calm you down. You scootch of his lap quickly not making eye contact and apologize “I’m so sorry, that was so unprofessional, I knew this was a bad idea, I’m so sorry Hotch.”
You go to stand up but he stops you pulling you back toward him with a gentle kiss on top of your hair and pulls you back into his side.
“Shhh, you did nothing wrong, you warned me and I still wanted to do this, to help you, anyway. Don’t work yourself up about it, you need someone to hold you and tell you it’s okay after that, and I can do that. We’re all scared of something, yours isn’t a big deal. Just relax, in the least profiling way possible, you never really got a lot of comfort from your parents did you?”
You shook your head “I was lucky if they even were aware I existed, and then I was just useful to go get another beer for them out of the fridge.”
Hotch sighed “I’m sorry. You’re such an amazing person anyways though. If you ever need a hug, know that any one of the team, your family, would give you one, and you can always come find me for a hug or to cry okay? Don’t be ashamed of that.”
You nod leaning your head on his shoulder exhausted. Between nerves and crying, on top of getting even less than your, at this point usual, 4 hours of sleep, you felt beat and the work day hadn’t started yet.
You didn’t realize it, but Hotch was slowly whispering to you and running a gentle hand down your back as you relaxed, safe, and comfortable with someone protecting you. Your eyelids fluttered but you didn’t realize it still as Hotch just whispered “Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
The next thing you knew was that you were waking up with a fuzzy blanket tucked around you, and lying on, wait where were you? Wait, this is Hotch’s office, why am I sleeping on the couch, wait I’m waking up not because I feel sick, wait what? That’s a lot of waits… where’s Hotch, why are the blinds shut… the memories slammed back into you, not sleeping more than an hour last night, getting to work early, Hotch, the shot, crying, and apparently falling asleep on his shoulder.
You slowly pushed yourself up to a sitting position, smoothing your messy hair back. You noticed your bag had been moved, probably out to your desk. You rub your eyes wiping away the dried tear stains and smooth out your clothes, cautiously opening the door and walking down to the bullpen, blinking in the bright light.
The team had gotten there since you fell asleep, making you wince when you realized it was already 9:30. Derek smiled when he saw you “You feeling better?”
Your brain was slow to process and you mumbled “huh?”
Emily smiled “Hotch said you told him you didn’t sleep well so you came in early but ended up crashing on his couch. I think maybe your brain needs an extra coffee to wake up this morning.”
“Hmm? Oh yeah probably.”
You heard Emily and Derek laugh good naturedly as you rubbed your eyes and went in search of coffee. You came back and set in on your desk before looking around. Spencer noticed “Who’re you looking for?”
“Yeah, where’s Hotch?”
Reid pointed up the catwalk “Rossi’s office.”
You nodded “Right, thanks.”
You set your coffee mug down and walked up the stairs shaking your head to wake yourself up out of this fog. You knocked and Rossi called back “Come in.”
You opened the door slowly “Is Hotch… nevermind.”
She stepped into the room shutting the door behind her. Hotch set his case file down and stood up, walking over to her. “You okay?”
“Yeah I um, can I have a hug?”
Hotch smiled, he could tell from how she wrapped her arms around herself what she wanted but he wanted to see if his message from the morning got through and she would ask. He opened his arms up and she wrapped her arms around him tightly as she rested her cheek on his shoulder. “Thank you.”
“I told you, you can always have a hug.”
“Not just that, this morning and letting me nap and dealing with me all gross and teary, and not telling the team and holding me and just thanks.”
Hotch smiled, he understood what she meant even if his heart clenched that she didn’t think she was just allowed those things.
He nodded and kissed the top of her head and said “Okay, y/n, there are many consults to do, don’t want the boss woman to come after me for keeping you from the consults she gives you.”
You smiled but then paused “Wait, JJ?”
Hotch actually smiled “I learned long ago men look powerful and in charge, women are powerful and in charge, yes JJ.”
You laughed and quipped “Smart.”
Your smile faded as you remembered Rossi was watching the whole exchange and tensed. Hotch noticed and tilted your head up to meet his eyes. “What?”
You gestured with your eyes to Rossi and Hotch smiled “Dave won’t say anything, you’re fine.”
You nodded and slid out of the room, happy to have someone in your corner no matter how ridiculous or annoying or needy you felt as you slipped back to your desk to get started on cases.
In Dave’s office he looked from his now closed door to Hotch “I get the feeling that more happened this morning that y/n taking a nap because she didn’t sleep well.”
Hotch sighed and nodded leaning back on Dave’s couch he’d been working on. “Yesterday I talked to her about why she wouldn’t take the side effect countering medication. She was scared to, so I offered to help her so she wouldn’t have to deal with it by herself. She agreed to try this morning, but she was too terrified so eventually I just gave it to her and let her cry and panic in my arms until she fell asleep on me. I laid her down and covered her up with that blanket and let her sleep, knowing she hasn’t been sleeping more than a few hours a night because of the medication anyways.”
Dave nodded but furrowed his brow and Hotch caught it “What?”
“I’m not judging I’m just confused, how is she scared to take the one medication but not the other?”
Understanding lit Hotch’s eyes “Oh, the main medication is a pill, the side effect one is a shot.”
“Ohhhh, she’s scared of needles.”
“Beyond normal nerves, she nearly had a panic attack just looking at the case with the needles in it.”
Dave nodded “So you know why?”
“No, I didn’t push it, I figured just getting her to let me give her the shot was progress enough.”
Dave smiled “And I’m the softie parent of our little family.”
Hotch growled “Maybe I just have a soft spot for her okay.”
Dave looked at Hotch passively and said “Have you stopped to think about why?”
Hotch frowned “No, not really, no.”
Dave leveled Hotch with a gaze “Maybe because you both had crappy childhoods, and you can’t change yours, but you can give her a paternal figure to latch onto, one that cares about her.”
“Dave.”
“Just be honest with yourself, it’s not a bad thing, but you know where she's coming from, neglect is just as much abuse as physical.”
“I know that.”
“She’s never let herself totally drop into a role of a younger person looking to one of us as a paternal figure. Academically or professionally, sure, but not personally. You’re an amazing father to Jack, and she sees that, sees what she didn’t have, and you show her your fatherly, caring side, and she’s going to latch on tightly, don’t force her to let go.”
Hotch frowned at the implication he would ever do that, but realized he hadn’t quite realized how much Spencer latched onto him as a dad, even slightly before Gideon left, until he hurt him by not acknowledging it. He wouldn’t do that to yet another one of his agents with a painful childhood. He nodded at Dave and said “I won’t.”
Dave smiled and nodded, proud of his protege as he left the office to go back to his own. They had a good thing on the team, and he was glad y/n was fitting into the family better.