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Psychologists say that a crush in the feeling of infatuation a person feels for another person. This feeling is supposed to last for four months at the very most, and past that time, it’s no longer considered a crush. Instead, that’s the point where it’s established that one is already in love.
And Kuroo Tetsurou has been in love for nearly eight years. Sure, there were times when the feelings faded, but they’d always come back, they never truly died out. Akaashi Keiji was the object of his love, ever since he first saw the other man at a training camp in their high school years.
Akaashi was just a first year setter that Kuroo had the pleasure of staring at when the two of them faced off with a net between them. He belonged to the rival team, but Kuroo found himself shyly asking the setter to exchange emails, and Akaashi, being ever polite, did so.
From there the feelings soared higher and higher, rising straight into the atmosphere and Kuroo almost thought his heart would burst when Akaashi would do something adorable.
He never really thinks of acting on his feelings for the longest time. He twitches uncomfortably when he hears Bokuto telling him stories of things he and Akaashi did throughout the week, because the two of them were a lot closer than Kuroo was. He eventually reaches his first year in college and his best friend comes to him seeking advice, blabbering about how he wanted to ask Akaashi out.
Kuroo manages to excuse himself from the situation first, because he has to think about it. His feelings for Akaashi haven’t faded one bit, but hearing the way Bokuto talked about the setter, it made his heart clench for so many different reasons. One, he can relate to Bokuto, because the way the spiker is expressing his feelings, it’s almost identical to how Kuroo’s been feeling, two, he feels jealous, because Bokuto nearly has Akaashi to himself most of the time, and three, he feels sad because he realizes.
He realizes that Bokuto and Akaashi fit together better than anyone he had ever seen before.
From there, Kuroo decided to help Bokuto out, and of course it worked. Everything he suggested, it was just things he’d always thought about doing with Akaashi; taking him to a nice, quiet area for the two of them to just enjoy each other’s presence, bring him to a place where he can eat as much as he wanted, things like that. Things He will never be able to do with the setter.
And a year after he had started helping Bokuto, the two of them proudly declare that they’re finally dating and Kuroo smiles, slapping his best friend on the back and congratulating him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Akaashi.
Life carries on. Every time he sees Bokuto and Akaashi together, his feelings seem to fade a little, as if he’s finally accepting that Akaashi will never be his, but then there are those times when Bokuto is busy and Akaashi asks him to accompany him somewhere and he falls in love all over again.
He knows Akaashi isn’t doing it on purpose, but he hates how he feels like he’s being led on. As if there’s something more to them, and he feels guilty about it, because he’d never betray his best friend like that.
Years later, Kuroo finds himself graduated from college, working at a local hospital. He found time from his busy schedule to attend his best friend’s wedding. Of course he had to, he was Bokuto’s best man after all. And, he really hated it, because he was so close to sobbing during the ceremony when Akaashi walked up to Bokuto and they held each other’s hands. For a moment, Akaashi’s eyes glance over to him and Kuroo’s heart stutters. In that exact moment, Kuroo thinks about how it felt as if no one else in the world was there, it was just he and Akaashi, together.
It isn’t though, and the ceremony ends and the reception begins. Kuroo’s surrounded by lots of people he knew in high school, there are tons of people from Fukurodani and Nekoma, and also from Karasuno. He greets Daichi and Tsukki, then moves on the pester Konoha, drifting between tables to talk with old friends.
At some point he settles down with a drink in his hand and he looks over to his side, where he sees Akaashi— where he sees Keiji talking to Sugawara from Karasuno. They chatter happily and Sugawara says something, prompting Keiji to laugh and smile widely. He’s been doing that a lot the entire evening, smiling so beautifully and Kuroo can’t calm his racing heart at all.
His stare lingers for a bit too long, but he’s snapped out of his trance when Bokuto makes his way to Keiji and they hold hands, their matching golden rings shining against the lights of the room. Kuroo swallows, clenching the neck of his glass a bit too tightly.
The newlyweds talk for a bit, but then Bokuto looks away for a moment, and that’s when Keiji turns to him. They make eye contact and Kuroo considers diving under the table to hide, but Keiji smiles at him, bringing a hand up to gesture to his mouth, and then he mouths an inaudible ‘thank you.’
Kuroo grins at him, making the ‘okay’ sign with his hand, and then he watches as Keiji is swept away by his husband.
His Husband.
Kuroo stands up, excusing himself from the table and making his way to the bathroom. It’s empty, thankfully. He gets into one of the stalls and sits down, loosening his tie because he feels as if he was suffocating.
This is it.
It’s officially over for him.
He can never have Keiji. He had his chance and he tossed it away.
Of course he did, he’d never value himself over the one he loves. His happiness doesn’t overshadow Keiji’s happiness. He wants Keiji to be as happy as possible, and he knows that that can only happen if he’s with Bokuto. They’re meant for each other, everyone can see it.
He may come off as an asshole who likes to press people’s buttons, but deep down he values his friend’s over himself. He’d give anything and everything up for them.
He’d do the same thing with Keiji, he’d do everything in his power to make him the happiest man in the entire universe.
But he can’t, because that’s Bokuto’s job, and Kuroo needs to let go.
Someone knocks on the door.
Kuroo jolts and sits up right, noticing the tears on his face. He quickly wipes them away and speaks, “Yeah?”
“Kuroo-san?”
Fuck.
Kuroo could feel his heart trembling.
“Kuroo-san, it’s Akaashi.”
Oh, he knows .
Kuroo takes in a deep breath, and stands up. He opens the door, and pulls the best grin he can muster. He tilts his head to the side, because Keiji is practically his height anyway, and Kuroo almost falters because he realizes this is the first time he’s seen Keiji up close this entire evening. “Now, now, silly, don’t forget, you’re a Bokuto now.”
Saying that out loud hurt him more than he had expected.
Keiji simply stares at him, “Thank you for the reminder, but I was just looking for you.”
“Oh?” Kuroo’s grin twitches, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Come with me, please. I’d rather not have this conversation in a bathroom.”
“Sure sure~”
Kuroo follows Keiji through the crowd until they step through a door that leads to a small balcony outside. The moon is high up in the sky and Kuroo laughs to himself.
“Something funny?” Keiji asks softly.
“Just thinking about Tsukki.” Kuroo says honestly, leaning against the railing and vaguely gesturing up to the moon. “So, what’s up?”
“I just wanted to say thank you.” Keiji says, his voice gentle and melodic, “For being there, for helping Koutaro and I find each other. We both know that without you, we wouldn’t have gotten together.”
Kuroo licks his lips, then turns to face Keiji, “You’re welcome, but I think you two would’ve been fine. Y’know what they say, if two people are meant to be,” He sees the curious glint in Keiji’s eyes, “Then they will always find each other.”
Keiji hums at that, “That’s rather inspirational, Kuroo-san.”
“Thank you, thank you, I am a man of many wise words.”
They fall silent again, and all they can hear is the muffled sound of music coming from inside. Kuroo thinks this is fine, he hasn’t been able to be alone with Keiji in a long time, and a part of him wonders if this is the last time the two of them will ever be able to talk to each other like this.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with anyone, Kuroo-san.”
Kuroo raises an eyebrow at that, “Mhm?” He prompts Keiji to elaborate a little.
“In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve heard rumors circulating about how you were probably one of the biggest playboys in the volleyball world, yet I never actually saw you dating anyone.” Keiji explained simply, his head tilting to the side.
“Well, that’s right, I’ve never really dated anyone. The last time I dated someone was in junior high, and that lasted like a month.” He shares with a small laugh.
“What about Kozume?”
“Oh? Kenma?” Kuroo says, his mind flashing back to his old childhood crush that did die off a long, long time ago, “Nah, he’s like a brother to me, and I’m still yet to work on getting him and shrimpy from Karasuno together.”
Keiji hums at that again. “So you haven’t found that special person for you to love yet?”
Kuroo doesn’t respond to that immediately, so Keiji keeps speaking.
“I get the feeling that whoever becomes your lover will be very lucky, you are a kind person beneath your outer exterior.”
“Did you just call me ugly?”
“I was just referring to the walls you put up, the ones that make you seem meaner than you actually are.”
Kuroo winces at that and he looks at Keiji, they make eye contact for a moment and Kuroo feels his walls melting under the setter’s gaze.
“Well,” Kuroo starts, licking his lips once again. He feels the need to say this, but he knows that it won’t end up nicely.
Just this once though.
He needs Keiji to know.
“For a fact, I actually do have someone I love very dearly.”
Keiji’s eyes widened at that, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Kuroo says, smiling sadly, “He’s beautiful, the prettiest person I have ever seen. He’s patient and kind, he’s so tender and genuine, and sometimes he struggles to show his emotions, and I know he doubts himself a lot, and I don’t want to do anything more except bundle him up and tell him that he’s fine, that he’s perfect the way he is, and that—“ Kuroo’s throat closes up for a moment, but he shakes it lose, “That I love him, so much . I’ve loved him for so long, I don’t know what it’s like to not love him.”
The setter is staring at him, clearly shocked and unable to say anything. His mouth is dangling open slightly and Kuroo can’t help but think of how adorable he is.
“Do—“ Keiji starts, but then stops and rephrases, “So then where is this person you love so dearly?”
Kuroo’s heart clenches and he smiles again, “He isn’t mine, and he never will be mine. I know he is with the one he truly loves.”
“How can you be so sure? I’m sure if this person you’re talking about sees just how much you love him then he’ll—“
“Who would you pick, Keiji? Me or Koutarou?”
Keiji stops mid sentence and gapes, surprised. His eyebrows furrow and then he answers, “Koutarou, of course.”
“Well, there we go, then.”
Silence falls over the two of them, Kuroo isn’t looking at Keiji anymore, but he can feel the other staring at him so intensely as he tries to process what just happened. Kuroo laughs, but it’s dry and pathetic and he feels the tears running down his face.
“Shit!” He exclaims, “I’ve loved you since I first saw you, Keiji! But I knew that you’d be happier with Bokuto! Everyone knew!” He says, still refusing to look at the other man, “And see! You’re married and you get to spend the rest of your life with him, and you’ll be happy.” He grips the railings, and turns, and he can barely see Keiji because his vision is blurry from the tears. “I’m happy that you’re happy.”
Keiji is staring at him, almost horrified, and Kuroo laughs again, bringing a hand to his face to cover himself up. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Keiji. You didn’t need to know that, it’s not your fault.” He mumbles, “I know you probably hear this a lot from Bokuto, but you’re just so perfect and it’s so damn hard to not love you.”
“Tetsurou…”
Kuroo jolts at that, and he snaps his head towards Keiji, “Don’t, please. I know you’re trying to be sincere, but you can’t. Please.” He says, backing away slowly, “You don’t know what you do to me.”
Keiji’s lips quiver and he brings a hand to muffle his gasp.
“No, no, I’m sorry, please don’t cry.” Kuroo pleads, “It’s not your fault, Keiji. I chose this.”
“For how long?” Keiji asks, his voice shaky.
Kuroo stares at him, and soaks in Keiji’s beauty once again, his mind flashes back to the time when he first laid his eyes on him, back when he was still a bit shorter than he was now, when his arms looked a bit too long and thin, and his eyes lacked this certain shine to them.
And then he’s back in the present, “I’ve been in love with you since the day we first met during that training camp in your first year.”
“But— but you— you helped Koutarou and I—“
“Of course I did.” Kuroo says, a lot more calm than he had expected. “You were so happy together, even before you dated.”
“Bu-but—“
“It’s okay, Keiji.” Kuroo reassures, “It hurts, I can’t deny that, but I chose this, I knew what I was doing.”
“ I’m so sorry, Kuroo-san .”
Kuroo’s lips twitch, he isn’t sure if he’s smiling anymore but he reaches up and brushes Keiji’s hair out of his face. “It’s alright, don’t be sorry, it’s your wedding night, you’re supposed to be happy. Please don’t let this bother you.”
“How can I not let this bother me?! Kuroo-san, you—“
“Knew what would’ve happened if I had told you beforehand.” Kuroo interrupts gently, “If I told you, and by some miracle you accepted, and we dated, I knew one day it wouldn’t work out and it would’ve hurt me more because if—“ He hesitates, “If I had a glimpse of what it was like to be loved by you, it would’ve killed me to let it go.”
“ Kuroo-san— !” Keiji gasps, and Kuroo honestly doesn’t know what to think of this situation. He doesn’t know what to interpret from Keiji’s reactions, he never expected the setter to react like This .
“It’s Okay , Keiji.” Kuroo says, more sternly this time, “If I’ve lived nearly half my life pining for you, then I can continue to do it. Don’t worry.”
“You can’t—“ Keiji splutters, “You need to find someone else who can return your feelings, someone who can take care of you and who can love you as much as you’ll love them.”
Kuroo sighs, and shakes his head, “Nah, it wouldn’t be fair. I think it’s impossible for me to actually love anyone as much as I love you.”
Keiji finally cries.
The tears fall from his face, but they aren’t enough to ruin the thin layer of makeup he’s wearing. Kuroo wipes them away gently with his thumb, and he almost leans forward to kiss Keiji, but he stops himself. “It’s okay, everything’s gonna be alright.” He reaches down and pulls out a handkerchief from his pocket, “Here, dry your tears. I’m sure your husband is looking for you.” He says, smiling sadly.
Keiji hesitantly takes the cloth and begins dabbing at his tears, small gasps and sobs still escaping from his lips. Kuroo has a hunch as to why Keiji had reacted this way, but he doesn’t really believe it, because he can’t even begin to process the thought that after all this time, Keiji had actually loved him back. So instead, he assumes that Keiji just felt incredibly sorry, he was always one to take the blame in situations.
“Want me to get you a drink? Some water should be good.” Kuroo says, bending down slightly to look at Keiji in the eyes. He feels relaxed, because at least Keiji finally knows and there’s nothing to hide from him anymore. This happens all the time, someone confesses their feelings and the other doesn’t return it, it’s all very normal.
“You’re so kind , Kuroo-san.” Keiji says breathlessly, he’s staring at Kuroo’s handkerchief almost fondly. He looks up and releases a breath, “I had feelings for you too, at some point.”
“ What— “
“In my second year, before I date Kouratou. I really liked you, and I enjoyed whenever we went out to hang out together. You were always so accommodating and caring, and I still have that jacket with the ghibli character that you lent me after we got lost after watching a sunset.” Keiji admits, his eyes blinking slowly and Kuroo carefully processes the words. A small voice in his head keens because Keiji remembers that day too
“But, you don’t like me anymore.” Kuroo says finally.
“Of course I still like you, despite all our bickering and teasing, you are one of the kindest friends I have.”
“Ouch, friendzoned.” Kuroo wheezes and Keiji smacks him on the arm weakly. “Kidding, kidding.”
“I’m married .” Keiji reminds him with a shake of his head.
“I know, I know.” Kuroo says, accompanied by a dry laugh. “It’s alright that you don’t like me back, y’know? It’ll hurt, it still hurts and it will always hurt just a bit, but seeing you happy is all I could ever want, and knowing that you’re happy and safe with Bokuto, then that’s all I need to know to keep me going.” Kuroo says calmly, it comes out smooth, because it’s the same thing he’s been reminding himself since Bokuto and Keiji started dating.
“You really are so kind, and selfless.” Keiji says, folding the handkerchief and handing it back to Kuroo.
“I am always this kind.” Kuroo smiles, and offers his hand, “Come on, let’s head back inside.”
And like that, life carries on, and no one ever found out about the secrets that were shared inside the tiny balcony of a world that Tetsurou and Keiji shared together that night.