Chapter Text
Lately Bokuto had felt awful. His performance was lacking a little more than normal, not enough to go noticed by the coaches, and he wasn’t in one of his moods.
He knew the root of the cause, but there was no way in hell he would burden anyone else with it.
He tapped the toe of his shoe on the floor before announcing into the house that he was off and left the house.
It was easier when he could leave the house. When he was sick and couldn’t leave for a week, he fell into a severe desolate mood. It wasn’t exactly one of his mood swings, but it was just as bad, if not worse.
Leaving the house helped enough.
He met Akaashi at the train station and plastered a huge smile on his face. Akaashi helped him a lot even if he didn’t know he did.
“Good morning Akaashi!”
“Good morning, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi replied, his eyes lingering on Bokuto for a second more. Bokuto forgot that Akaashi could see through his grin easily. “Are you alright? Where is your scarf?”
“Ahh, I spilled on it before I left and it’s being washed,” he shrugged, then grinned brightly. His chest hurt lying to him, but he was already enough of a bother to Akaashi. He didn’t want to add onto it. “Let’s go!”
Akaashi stared after him, eyebrows drawing together ever so slightly. He was off lately, but especially today. He was making one hell of an effort to hide it.
Akaashi shrugged it off as they made their way onto the train to get to school. Maybe he would talk about it later.
—
Classes had been harder than usual. Focusing was a nightmare but if he stopped focusing, Bokuto’s head grew way too loud. He kept chewing on his pencil and tapping his fingers or his feet. He couldn’t get work done. He couldn’t stop thinking. He felt the familiar sensation in the back of his mind as he slowly lost the energy to do...anything and he decided it was a good idea to forego his work and focus on keeping up his regular facade.
Once classes had ended, his teacher had asked him to stay behind so they could talk. He received the usual “you should be doing more, your grades are slipping” talk.
As much as they needed to say it, it didn’t help.
His chest felt heavy, his eyes felt hot, his emotions felt so full to the point of bursting. His body felt tired. He felt like he was about to break. He was holding on by a thread.
“Are you alright?” His teacher had asked, noticing his expression.
Bokuto shook his thoughts away, forcing himself back into reality and smiled again. Though it was more like a grimace. “I’m fine! Never better!”
His teacher watched suspiciously, then nodded. “If you need anything, tutoring, extra-credit, to talk, please reach out.”
“Will do!” He said, finally regaining control of his act and leaving the room. Akaashi and Konoha were outside the door waiting for him.
Akaashi watched him as he talked with Konoha. He was still off. Akaashi couldn’t explain it but he felt different today.
“Bokuto, remember we have a practice match today against Nekoma.”
Bokuto’s jaw clenched and he swallowed through clenched teeth. A practice match. Stress.
More stress.
Kuroo didn’t know he’s been in a slump and he didn’t want him to know. Anxiety built up in his stomach fast to the point he felt he might throw up. He’d lost his appetite for lunch and now dinner.
His energy was running out and he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep being himself. He clenched his fists and dug his nails into his palm. ‘No, I need to hold on no matter what.’
“Oh yeah!” He finally said, playing off the pause as thinking about it. “You’re right!”
He looked over at Akaashi with a smile, but Akaashi frowned. He noticed. He always did. On one hand it made Bokuto feel warm but on the other...it only made him feel worse.
—
They made it to practice and saw that Nekoma had arrived already. Bokuto decided to go right into the locker rooms with the rest instead of saying hello.
Akaashi finished changing in the locker rooms and waited for Bokuto, who waved him on. “I just have to stretch a little more, my leg’s been sore lately!”
Akaashi narrowed his eyes. The excuse was solid, and if Bokuto had been lying, it would have been a more pitiful one. But he couldn’t help but be suspicious.
He finally nodded and left, leaving Bokuto alone in the room.
He clutched his phone in his hand, reading the message from his father. He couldn’t look away from the word ‘spread.’
His teeth dug into his lip painfully and tears built in his eyes and fell a lot faster than he wished. Once he started crying, he wouldn’t be able to stop.
His tears rolled down his face and onto his fingers that held the message he received. His chest felt like it was caving in. He dropped his phone and his hands came up and clenched onto his shirt, gripping it desperately. He leaned forward, fisting more of his shirt and biting the ball of fabric to stay silent. He couldn’t alert anyone out there. This was his burden to deal with. And right now they needed their ace.
He had to pull it together and be their captain right now.
He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes, checking his reflection to make sure he could play off the watering as a yawn and left the room, leaving his phone on the ground.
—
After the practice match, Nekoma had beat them by a few points. Not enough for Kuroo to notice Bokuto wasn’t in top form. Despite that, Bokuto still had forced himself to spend the next few minutes talking with Kuroo and Kenma, catching up. Not that he didn’t want to see them, but he barely had the energy to.
“Akaashi asked me if I noticed you were acting strange,” Kuroo said, tapping his chin. “I thought it was weird, you weren’t acting any different today.”
Bokuto snorted. “I’m just failing math, that’s all. He’s just a worry wart.”
Oh, how much of a lie that was. If Kuroo could tell it was a lie, he gave no indication.
He waved bye to his friends at Nekoma and made his way back to the locker room, where a few of his teammates were gathered together talking about getting dinner together.
The idea of eating made Bokuto wanna throw up.
“Bokuto-san, your phone is ringing,” Akaashi said, pointing to the phone on the bench. He saw he had an unread message on the lock screen from his dad that read ‘I know it’s a bad time, just wanted you to know.’
A pang of dread pierced his heart but he picked it up as he toed off his sneakers.
Akaashi watched him. If he was being honest, he read the message displayed on the lock screen. He knew something was seriously wrong but he didn’t want to snoop to find out. He wanted Bokuto to tell him.
“Hi Mom!” He said, listening to what she had to say. His mom never called him during practices, which only grew Akaashi’s suspicion. “Yeah, I’ll pick some up on the way.” Akaashi noticed the way he swallowed. His eyes were full of something. He didn’t know what. “Don’t worry about it! You can count on me!” It sounded like he was reassuring himself more than his mom. “See you in a bit.”
“Your mom never calls you during practice, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto grinned. It was clear how strained it was. Something was very wrong. “She just wanted me to pick up some painkillers. She’s been hurting a bit lately, so late night practice is gonna have to be put on hold tonight!”
“Would you like me to accompany you, Bokuto-san?”
“No, it’s okay,” he said, waving at their teammates as they left, leaving the two of them alone in the room. “I’ll be fine.”
“Bokuto-san, don’t think I haven’t noticed how strange you’ve been acting,” Akaashi said. “You would have been so much more upset about Nekoma winning if something wasn’t wrong,” he said, as if that were the sole reason for his suspicion. Bokuto’s teeth buried into his bottom lip. “This isn’t just about your math grade, is it?”
His jaw clenched and he felt the familiar sensation of his eyes burning. His chest felt like it was about to explode. Under Akaashi’s gaze, it felt like he was raw, like his emotions were being laid out in front of him like a display at a fruit stand. He grew too tired to stand and leaned his back against the lockers, sliding into a seated position with his knees to his chest. His breathing was labored, his thoughts were wild, he felt like he was spinning absolutely out of control. He couldn’t regain his bearings. His fingers buried themselves in his hair, grabbing it and pulling, desperately looking to hold on to something. So he wouldn’t feel so out of control.
Akaashi sat in front of Bokuto, wrapping his legs around the older boy, forming a nest, as if to say ‘this is a safe place.’ His fingers took Bokuto’s hands out of his hair and held them. Bokuto looked up at Akaashi’s face. His jaw was clenched and his lips were pressed together. His eyebrows were drawn together and when his eyes met Bokuto’s, they were soft and glassy, as if he were ready to cry for Bokuto. He was worried. “Please tell me what’s wrong, Bokuto-san. I want to help.”
Bokuto shook his head before releasing his knees and wrapping his legs around Akaashi’s waist as his arms clutched onto him for dear life, fisting the shirt on his back. He finally let his head fall forward until his forehead rested on Akaashi’s shoulder.
Akaashi hesitantly rested his hands on Bokuto’s back, gently rubbing soothing circles. He felt the tremors in Bokuto’s back before he heard the sniffling and grew alarmed. Bokuto had never cried in front of Akaashi.
Bokuto’s grip tightened around Akaashi and he let loose a sob. And once one started, there was no way to stop the rest.
So Bokuto let himself sob. He let himself cry loud, for the first time in months, on the floor of the locker room in Akaashi’s arms.
His chest was so tight with an ungodly amount of pain. His tears leaked uncontrollably. The sobs felt endless. But he felt safe with Akaashi.
Even with Akaashi to hold him, he felt out of control. Like his grip was weakening on himself and he couldn’t hold on much longer. Like he was holding onto his life which was slipping through his fingers like dry sand.
He felt like he was stuck in a dark room, writhing in agony where no one could hear his screams all the while knowing that no one could help him even if they did hear him.
The reality of everything felt like his emotions were just rammed by a truck. He felt so fucking angry that he couldn’t keep to himself, he felt so fucking hurt with everything going on, he was so fucking scared. He was mortified of what was to come.
He felt like a rubber band stretched to its snapping point.
His crying finally calmed to a few shuddering breaths yet the tears still came.
Akaashi’s hands never left his back.
“Bokuto-san, I know you’re hurting but please talk to me. There may not be anything I can do to help but talking might make you feel better,” he said, pulling back and resting his hands on either side of Bokuto’s neck, using his thumbs to force Bokuto to look at him. “I’m here for you. I always have been. I love you and it hurts me to see you this way. Please tell me what’s causing you so much pain.”
More tears streamed down Bokuto’s face. He didn’t know what to focus on first but all he can think about is Akaashi’s words.
“I’m sorry, that slipped out,” Akaashi said, a deep blush on his face and he glanced away to avoid eye contact. “But...you mean a lot to me Bokuto-san, please talk to me.”
Bokuto swallowed, his fingers fidgeting gently on Akaashi’s sides.
“M-my mom…” his mouth was so dry. His voice wavered. “My mom h-has s-stage four breast c-canc—“ his voice broke but Akaashi got the point. “I-it spread t-to her ribs and lungs,” his eyes teared up again and spilled over his cheeks, dripping down his chin. Saying it outloud made it more real and it scared him. “S-she doesn’t….They don’t know h-how much longer...“ his voice failed him again but this time Akaashi took his face gently and wiped his tears.
“I’m so sorry Bokuto-san,” he said gently. “I’m so, so sorry you’re dealing with this.”
Bokuto stared at him for a second, then heavier tears started forming. His eyebrows scrunched together and his bottom lip started hurting under his teeth. “M-my dad started a-asking her how...how she m-makes her meals,” he said, the tears coming faster and holding back his sobs again. “And h-he wants to g-go on a vacation a-as soon as…” his voice was cut off by a small sob and his fingers tightened around Akaashi’s shirt. He looked down at his hands holding the fabric as his tears streamed down his cheeks and fell between them. “I-I’m scared Akaashi…” He took in a heavy, shuddering breath and let it out with a sob. “I don’t wanna l-lose her Akaashi, s-she’s my mom…”
Akaashi’s heart broke. He watched the face of his team, his captain with his everlasting smile, the most cheerful man he knew, break down in front of him. Looking at him, he would never have guessed he was dealing with something so severe as his losing his mother slowly.
And he did everything he could to keep being himself through it all. He was trying to hold it together for his team all the while knowing his mother would never get better.
“You’re so strong, Koutarou,” he said fondly, his eyes tearing up for him. “Oh my god, you’re the strongest man I’ve ever met. You’ve suffered so long in silence and did everything you could to not let it affect your everyday life.” Akaashi brought his hand up and used his thumb to dry his tears. Akaashi’s eyes were wet as well, but Akaashi’s tears were for him too, as if he were trying to share the burden of Bokuto’s pain. “...I wish I could take this pain away from you,” he said. “If you ever need anything, at all, call me. No matter what time.”
Bokuto’s grip tightened. “I didn’t want to burden you,” he mumbled. “I’m already enough of a bother.”
“You’re not a burden,” Akaashi said, pulling Bokuto against him for a hug. Bokuto buried his forehead into Akaashi’s shoulder. He could feel Bokuto’s tears through his shirt but he didn’t care. “You never have been a burden, Bokuto-san. I want to help in any way I can.”
They heard the door open and Akaashi turned to see their coach looking in to see if they were still there before he locked up. He made eye contact with his coach and nodded.
“Come on, Bokuto-san,” he said. “Let’s get your mom’s pain medicine.” He nodded and stood, gathering his stuff.
“Great work today, Bokuto,” their coach said. Bokuto barely acknowledged it and left. Akaashi sighed and waved to their coach.
—
Akaashi took it upon himself to ask his teacher to pardon some of his assignments. He never explained why or what was going on, but his teacher seemed to understand the severity of it if Akaashi was asking with such determination.
His teacher had asked to talk to him after school and explained he was exempting the busy-work for him. It seemed to have taken a little weight off his shoulders, because at practice he was performing much better.
But of course it was short lived.
He missed one of Akaashi’s tosses and instantly fell into a mood. He clenched his jaw, his knees hitting the floor and he punched the floor hard. The noise was so loud his whole team turned to look. His hand came up bleeding and bruised but he didn’t seem bothered.
Akaashi was at his side quickly, helping him stand. “Let’s get you patched up.”
He refused to move, using his bloodied hand to cover his face. He let out a loud sob, leaning on Akaashi as an unrelenting stream of tears fell between his fingers onto the gym floor. The rest of the team turned when they heard and stared. They’d never heard Bokuto cry, let alone seen him like this.
Akaashi turned him around, away from them and sat him in the far corner of the gym, crouching in front of him. He reached out, wiping a tear off his jaw.
“What’s on your mind today, Bokuto-san?”
He stayed silent for a little, not trusting himself to talk for a few minutes. “She’s...in the h-hospital,” he whispered.
Akaashi’s hand found his shoulder, gently squeezing. “What happened?”
“Her lung filled with cancerous fluid,” he said, his voice just below a whisper, covering his face again as he cried. “A-and it c-collapsed.”
Akaashi pursed his lips. He couldn’t say anything to magically fix it. He couldn’t do anything to help his family.
“Come on,” he said, pulling him up. “Let’s get your hand bandaged. We’ll get some fresh air.”
He shook his head. “Please…” he trailed off and then a sob shook his body. “P-Please tell them.”
Akaashi hesitated, then nodded. “I will once we get you bandaged and some food in your stomach.”
—
Bokuto was sat on the bench with a towel over his head and his hand wrapped. He was changed into his street clothes and his hair was down and wet as Akaashi had made him stick his head under a faucet to cool off. His hand was throbbing but the pain reminded him that he was alive because everything else felt numb.
Konoha wrapped an arm over his shoulder and sat by him. He had no idea what was going on, but he wanted Bokuto to know that he was there for him.
“Bokuto-san won’t be coming to practice for a few days,” Akaashi said, standing in front of his team, playing with his fingers behind his back. “I will be the acting captain until he returns.”
Bokuto’s hands clenched, as did his jaw. He didn't want to be a burden and here he was passing his responsibilities to Akaashi. ‘Pathetic,’ his mind whispered.
“Bokuto-san wanted me to let you know that he will be okay,” Akaashi said, eyes glancing over to the silver-haired man who refused to look up from the floor. “His mother has been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer and she is hospitalized for a collapsed lung. The cancer has spread to her ribs and to the lining in her lungs. Hopefully not her lower lungs. They don’t know…” he got choked up himself and cleared his throat. He continued shakily. “They don’t know how long she has left.”
The silence in the gym was deafening. No one really knew what to say. Akaashi looked at Bokuto who was fidgeting with his fingers. His face was hidden, but Konoha’s arm was still around him.
“Bo…” Konoha trailed off, before tightening his grip on his friend and turning him so he could hug him properly. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry you’re going through this Bokuto,” he said as Akaashi sandwiched Bokuto between himself and Konoha.
Sarukui leapt over the bench and pulled the three of them into a hug, soon followed by Onaga and Komi. “You can count on us, Bokuto!” Komi cried.
“Anything you need, we’ll be there,” Anahori said, sitting on the other side of Bokuto as Washio nodded and smiled at him sympathetically. Bokuto smiled wide, tears falling from his eyes as he snuggled into the dogpile of his teammate’s arms, pressing his face between Konoha and Akaashi’s shoulders and letting himself relax.
For the first time in months, he didn’t feel alone.
—
“Y’know, Akaashi, I never responded.”
“Hm?”
Bokuto smiled brightly and genuinely for the first time this week. It caught Akaashi off guard. His eyes were red from crying with their teammates and his hair down. He held up his bandaged hand, as if asking for his hand. Akaashi looked down at his hand and then blushed when he realized what he was talking about.
“I love you too.”