Archive of Our Own ^beta

4:02 PM

Peter Parker created a group chat

Peter Parker changed the name to "The Avengers"

Peter Parker changed their name to "Spidey"

Spidey added Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Bruce Banner, Thor, Clint Barton, Steve Rogers, Rhodey, Bucky Barnes, Wanda Maximoff, Vision, Sam Wilson, T'Challa, and Shuri to the chat

Spidey: hey everyone

Rhodey is online

Rhodey left the chat

Spidey added Rhodey to the chat

Rhodey left the chat

Spidey added Rhodey to the chat

Rhodey: I am never getting out of this, am I?

Spidey: nope

Rhodey is offline

Tony is online

Shuri is online

Tony: Peter, what?

Shuri: ew grammar

Shuri: peter can i change my name

Spidey: go ahead

Shuri changed their name to "memeqween42069"

Steve is online

Steve: I'm pretty sure you spelled "queen" wrong, Shuri.

memeqween42069: ew grammar

memeqween42069: and no i didnt i did that on purpose

memeqween42069 changed T'Challa's name to "furry"

Spidey: I SPAT OUT MY DRINK

furry is online

furry: Sister, what is this?

Tony: Can I leave?

Spidey: no

memeqween42069: no

Tony: I'm pretty sure Bruce already muted this chat.

Thor is online

Thor: HELLO MIDGUARDIANS

Tony: Oh God.

Thor: IT IS I, THOR, SON OF ODIN!

Spidey: hi mr thor sir

Thor: HELLO MAN OF SPIDERS!

Tony: Thor, for the love of God, please turn off the caps lock.

Thor: WHAT IS CAPS LOCK

Tony: Press the button with the arrow on it.

Thor: Ah, yes. Thank you, Man of Iron!

Bucky is online

Bucky: this is for rachel you big fat white nasty smelling fat bitch. why you took me off the motherfucking schedule with your trifling dirty white racist ass big fat bitch and maluma body ass bitch

memeqween42069: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAJDFGDJSFG IM DYING

Steve: Bucky, what is going on?

Bucky: idk peter told me to say that

Spidey: im coming up there and im going to beat the fuck out of you bitch

Steve: Peter, you should not be using such foul language.

Spidey changed Steve Rogers's name to "Iced Americano"

Iced Americano: I don't understand.

memeqween42069: it's a type of coffee

Spidey: how did you take down captain america

Natasha is online

Clint is online

Natasha: we shot him in the legs because his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he's an idiot

Spidey: AHDSGFLJSDGJKADSGFJG

Spidey: BLACK WIDOW KNOWS VINES?!

Natasha: i spend way too much time around clint's kids

Clint: she spends more time with my kids than she does with me

Natasha: that is because your kids are angels and you are an asshole

Clint: ouch

Spidey changed Clint Barton's name to "birb"

birb: birb

Spidey changed Sam Wilson's name to "birb2"

birb2 is online

birb2: why the fuck am i birb2

birb2: why don't i get a more creative name than that

Tony: Language!

Natasha: language!

birb: language!

Bucky: language!

Spidey: language!

Thor: Language!

Iced Americano: Oh, come on, guys! It was one time!
Tony: You literally just did it to Peter, like, two seconds ago.

Spidey: valid

Bucky: peter i want a nickname

Spidey changed Bucky Barnes's name to "bonky"

bonky: thank you peter

Spidey: :)

Everyone is offline

---

6:07 PM

Spidey is online

birb is online

Spidey: hwy nr stqrk

Tony is online

Tony: What did you do now, Peter?

Spidey: ot was npthimg bsd i swwar

Spidey: i waa jusg viplrntly poked

Spidey: wih a kniofe

Tony: Peter, what the fuck?

Tony: Where are you?

Spidey: i thumk im on jedferdon

Tony: You think?

Tony: I'm on my way. Don't move.

Tony is offline

birb changed Tony Stark's name to "Irondad"

birb: irondad

Everyone is offline

---

8:03 PM

Natasha is online

Natasha: is peter ok

Irondad is online

Irondad: Yes. He's recovering very well. He is asleep right now.

Irondad: Why is that my name?

Natasha: because you're irondad

Bruce is online

Bruce: Peter just woke up.

Irondad: I'm coming down there right now.

Irondad is offline

Bruce is offline

birb is online

birb: that is why he is irondad

Iced Americano is online

Spidey is online

Natasha: peter, sweetie, are you doing alright

birb changed Natasha Romanoff's name to "spider-mom"

Spidey: i am doing great nat! you can barely see the stab wound now!

spider-mom: that's good. i'm going to bring you ice cream soon

Iced Americano: I'm glad you're doing well, Peter. You scared us.

Spidey: im so sorry! i didnt mean to! i was stopping a mugging and the muggers didnt like it!

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: so many exclamation points

memeqween42069: iM sO sOrRy! I dIdNt MeAn To!

Spidey: fuck off shuri

spider-mom: language!

birb: language!

memeqween42069: language!

Spidey: i hate you guys

Everyone is offline

---

4:20 AM

Spidey is online

Spidey: blaze it

Spidey is offline

---

8:47 AM

Irondad is online

Irondad: Peter, why were you up at 4:20 in the morning?

Spidey is online

Spidey: i got homework

Spidey: plus i know you were up so why are you just now responding

Irondad: This nanotech isn't going to finish itself

Spidey: mr stark can you please not text with grammar it's making me very uncomfortable

Irondad: fine but why is grammar making you uncomfortable

Spidey: texts should not have grammar in them

spider-mom is online

Spidey: also why have wanda and vision not responded yet

Irondad: theyre too busy doing other stuff if you know what i mean

Iced Americano is online

Spidey: EW MR STARK

spider-mom: tony wtf

Iced Americano: Tony, that is not very appropriate.

Irondad: oh come on it wasnt even that bad

Wanda Maximoff is online

Spidey: wanda!

Wanda changed their name to "scarlet bitch"

scarlet bitch: hi peter!

scarlet bitch: ew tony get your mind out of the gutter

scarlet bitch: weve been binge watching stranger things again

spider-mom: peter shouldnt you be in school

Spidey: but the teacher's boring and i can do this stuff in my sleep

spider-mom: peter…

Spidey: ugh fine

Spidey is offline

Irondad: how do you do that

spider-mom: do what

Irondad: get him to listen to you

spider-mom: that's a secret i'll never tell

Iced Americano: You know you love me

Iced Americano: XOXO, Gossip Girl

Irondad: alright who showed cap gossip girl?

spider-mom: oops

spider-mom is offline

scarlet bitch is offline

Iced Americano: Natasha did.

Iced Americano: There was a guy in there that looked a lot like Bucky.

Everyone is offline

---

12:56 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: NED GUESS WHAT MJ JUST DID

Spidey: SHIT WRONG CHAT

birb2 is online

memeqween42069 is online

birb2: who is mj?

memeqween42069: PETER TELL ME EVERYTHING

Spidey: mj is no one

Spidey: not important at all

memeqween42069: mj is his girlfriend

Spidey: shes not my girlfriend!

birb2: ooh spidey has a gf?

Irondad is online

spider-mom is online

Irondad: spidey has a what now

Spidey: mj is not my gf i dont have a gf

spider-mom: but you wish she was your gf

bonky is online

Irondad: i want to meet this mj

Spidey: NO!

bonky: if she hurts peter i will ground her to a pulp

Irondad: same

Spidey: NO YOU WONT

Rhodey is online

Rhodey: I think that might be a bit extreme

Irondad changed Rhodey's name to "the one brain cell"

birb is online

the one brain cell: you know i am

spider-mom: excuse you

spider-mom: also peter i'm picking you up from school today and when i get there i want you to introduce me to this mj

birb: if you're driving him he'll never make it back to the compound alive

spider-mom: i know where you live clint

Everyone is offline

1:37 PM

bonky is online

bonky: i was a girl in the village doing alright

furry is online

birb is online

Irondad is online

birb: then i became a princess overnight

Irondad: what

bonky: now i gotta figure out how to do it right

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: so much to learn and see

furry: Shuri, what is going on?

Iced Americano is online

birb: up in the castle with my new family

Iced Americano: what

Irondad: im just as confused as you

Spidey is online

spider-mom is online

Spidey: in a school thats just for royalty

bonky: a whole enchanted world is waiting for me

birb: i'm so excited to be

spider-mom: SOFIA THE FIRST

Iced Americano: Nat, what?

Irondad: yeah what he said

bonky: IM FINDING OUT WHAT BEING ROYAL'S ALL ABOUT

Spidey: (sofia the first)

memeqween42069: making my way

birb: it's an adventure every day

Spidey: (sofia)

spider-mom: it's gonna be my time

Spidey: (sofia)

birb: to show them all that i'm

bonky: sofia the first

Spidey: sofia the first

memeqween42069: sofia the first

spider-mom: sofia the first

bonky is offline

spider-mom is offline

birb is offline

Irondad: what just happened

Iced Americano: I'm confused, too.

furry: I've just elected to ignore everything my sister does with Peter.

Iced Americano is offline

Irondad is offline

memeqween42069: brother you still use grammar?

memeqween42069: we must change that asap

furry: You're supposed to be the genius in this family, so why are you ignoring grammar?

memeqween42069: because im cooler than youll ever be

furry is offline

memeqween42069: he just couldnt handle my coolness

Spidey: i love how nat and bucky and clint all came on here just to sing sofia the first and then they left immediately

memeqween42069: peter im flying out to new york tonight!

Spidey: REALLY?!

memeqween42069: yes!

Spidey: can we hatch a plan to get cap and nat together?

birb is online

birb: im sensing scheming

birb: omg yes i'll help

Spidey: yay!

memeqween42069: im down

Spidey deleted all messages from the last ten minutes

---

4:58 PM

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: im here bitches

Spidey is online

scarlet bitch is online

Vision is online

Irondad is online

Vision: Welcome, Shuri.

Spidey: YASSSS

Irondad: oh god now i have to deal with both of them

furry is online

furry: I am with her, too. I will help you deal with their shenanigans.

memeqween42069: "shenanigans"

Spidey: "shenanigans"

furry is offline

Vision: Wanda, would you like to come visit me in my room?

scarlet bitch: of course, vis

Vision is offline

scarlet bitch is offline

Irondad: i dont even want to have to think about the mechanics to that

Irondad is offline

Spidey: shuri now we can plan our matchmaking

memeqween42069: YES

Spidey: meet me in my lab

Spidey is offline

memeqween42069 is offline

Iced Americano is online

Iced Americano: matchmaking?

birb is online

birb: YOU GUYS SAID I COULD HELP TOO

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: then come

memeqween42069 is offline

birb: omw

birb is offline

---

5:15 PM

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: peter benjamin parker

spider-mom: explain yourself

Spidey is online

Irondad is online

Irondad: what did he do

Spidey: i swear i didnt do anything

Spidey: i have no idea what shes talking about

Irondad: okay yeah youre guilty of whatever shes talking about

Irondad: what is she talking about

memeqween42069 is online

spider-mom: the little shit locked me and steve in a closet together

Spidey: technically shuri did that

memeqween42069: technically it was clints idea

spider-mom: why was clint involved in this

spider-mom: CLINT

birb is online

Spidey: holy shit

Spidey: shes magical

birb: ive been summoned

birb: o shit

birb: i just read

birb: im out of here

birb is offline

spider-mom: CLINTON FRANCIS BARTON

Irondad: ha shes mad

Irondad: you three are dead

Irondad: toodles

Irondad is offline

Iced Americano is online

Iced Americano: Son, you have some explaining to do.

Spidey: why is everyone assuming it's me?
memeqween42069: you were still apart of the plan

Iced Americano: What plan?

spider-mom: your "plan" failed because you seemed to have forgotten that i am a master assassin and can find my way out of a closet

Spidey: clint was the one who came up with the plan blame him

Spidey: i just agreed to it

bonky is online

bonky: did you lock them in a closet so steve would finally get laid

Spidey: "finally"?

memeqween42069: HOLY SHIT DO U MEAN THAT CAP IS A VIRGIN

memeqween42069: AAHAHAHAHAHSKSDGFJSD

Spidey: ARE YOU SERIOUS

bonky: unless he hasn't told me something

bonky: yes he is

Iced Americano: Bucky!

spider-mom: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

memeqween42069 changed Iced Americano's name to "virgin"

virgin: Why me?

Everyone is offline

---

6:31 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: psst shuri clint

birb is online

memeqween42069 is online

scarlet bitch is online

Spidey: wanda you can help us too

scarlet bitch: is this about the plan to get steve and nat together

Spidey: ofc

memeqween42069: we need an actual good plan this time

birb: hey! that was a good plan!

memeqween42069: a good plan if one of them wasnt a master assassin

memeqween42069: we need something that will actually work on them

scarlet bitch: what if we make one of them jealous

birb: i like this plan

Spidey: which one should we make jealous

birb: nat is scary when shes mad and steve is too awkward to actually go through with like getting a girl so i would say we make steve jealous

memeqween42069: yes we will make steve jealous

memeqween42069: didnt nat and bruce have a thing a couple years ago

birb: ya they did

birb: i'll go tell bruce to get on hang on

birb is offline

Spidey: shuri how did you know that

memeqween42069: i have my ways

scarlet bitch: they were together when i was evil

Spidey: ah

scarlet bitch: i was barely even around them then except to like attack them but when i was it was awful

scarlet bitch: bruce and nat did not work together at all

birb is online

birb: i got him

Bruce is online

Bruce: What do you need?

memeqween42069: we need your help to get steve and nat together

memeqween42069: we need you to hit on nat to make steve jealous

Bruce: You need me to what now

memeqween42069: just reread the text

Spidey: you dont like still have feelings for her do you

Spidey: cuz that would just make things awkward

Bruce: No definitely not

Bruce: Fine. I'll do it

birb: yay!

Spidey: yay!

memeqween42069: yay!

scarlet bitch: yay!

Bruce: When should I do it

Spidey: tonight at movie night

Spidey: that should make it pretty easy

Spidey: you can like sit really close to her and like put your arm around her or on her knee or something

Bruce: Okay then

Bruce is offline

Spidey deleted all texts from the last twenty minutes

---

1:42 AM

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: oh my god

memeqween42069: that was amazing

Spidey is online

Irondad is online

Spidey: I KNOW RIGHT

Irondad: i never want to see that happen ever again

birb is online

birb: IT WORKED

birb: STEVE GOT RLLY JEALOUS

birb2 is online

birb2: i wish i didnt witness it happening but im glad it finally happened

the one brain cell is online

the one brain cell: What happened? I missed it

Irondad: thats cuz you skipped movie night

Irondad: LAME

bonky is online

bonky: im so proud of him

bonky: he's finally getting laid

Spidey: so we had this plan right

Spidey: we decided to make steve jealous by using bruce and having him hit on nat so he was like sitting really close to her at movie night and like touching her and stuff and steve got jealous and you could see him getting progressively madder as the movie went on and then finally at the end steve snapped and picked nat up by the front of her shirt and kissed her

the one brain cell: Wow

memeqween42069: it was pretty amazing

Spidey: and kinda disgusting cuz you could see their tongues going into each others mouths and nat started grinding against him and that was when i left the room

birb: same

birb: i did not need my poor innocent virgin eyes to see that

Spidey: clint you have three kids

bonky: my room is right next to his and it is disgusting

bonky: does anyone have any noise canceling headphones

bonky: or can i bunk with anyone tonight so i can go get some tomorrow

Spidey: you can bunk with me and shuri!

memeqween42069: yeah!

bonky: omw

bonky is offline

Spidey is offline

memeqween42069 is offline

the one brain cell: Tony you owe me $300

Irondad: what no i dont

the one brain cell: Yes you do

the one brain cell: You said they wouldn't get together until next year, and I said they would get together before then, and you bet me $300, and I clearly won

Irondad: ugh fine

Irondad: i'll venmo it to you

Irondad is offline

the one brain cell is offline

birb: i still can't believe i had to witness my little sister grinding up against captain america

birb is offline

spider-mom is online

virgin is online

spider-mom: aw you think of me as your little sister clint?

virgin changed their name to "not a virgin"

not a virgin: Ha!

Everyone is offline

3:06 PM

Thor is online

Thor: Does anyone know where the tarts that pop are located? I have looked everywhere, and I can't seem to find them!

spider-mom is online

Irondad is online

Irondad: we're all out sorry thor

birb is online

birb: yeah you ate all of them the last time you were here and we never replaced them

Spidey is online

Spidey: what are you guys talking about theres literally a pantry full of them in mr starks kitchen

spider-mom: PETER NO

birb: PETER WHAT THE FUCK

Thor: Thank you, Man of Spiders!

Thor is offline

Irondad: PETER NOW HE'S GOING TO GO EAT ALL OF THE POPTARTS AND WE WONT HAVE ANY LEFT FOR US

Spidey: sorry guys!

Everyone is offline

---

4:46 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: plants are really farming us

Spidey: they give us oxygen until we eventually die and decompose into the earth for them to consume

not a virgin is online

not a virgin: Peter, what?

Spidey: if you view a bald eagle at the zoo, you are looking at the american symbol of freedom in captivity

spider-mom is online

Irondad is online

spider-mom: if you looked at what me and steve did last night, you would be looking at another american symbol in captivity

not a virgin: Natasha!

Irondad: okay this is where i leave

Irondad is offline

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: in harry potter, porn would watch you back

memeqween42069 is offline

Spidey: the person who would proofread hitler's speeches was a grammar nazi

birb is online

birb: nat what the actual fuck

spider-mom: i was just stating facts

not a virgin is offline

spider-mom: he did change his name to "not a virgin"

spider-mom: he was just asking for it

spider-mom is offline

birb: theyre going to bang now arent they

birb: ew

bonky is online

birb2 is online

Spidey: at new years, some people celebrate the year they'll die in

birb2: shut up

bonky: no let him finish

Spidey: the word "nun" looks like the letter n doing a cartwheel

bonky: holy shit it does

scarlet bitch is online

Spidey: when a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine

scarlet bitch: the only time the word "incorrectly" isn't spelled "incorrectly" is when it's spelled incorrectly

birb2: i just had a stroke reading that

Spidey: are oranges called oranges because theyre orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange

birb2: i just had another stroke

birb2 is offline

Spidey: okay im done

bonky is offline

Spidey: OH MY GOD EW

Spidey: I JUST READ WHAT NATASHA SAID

birb: theyre in nats room rn and her room is right next to mine

Spidey: rippp

birb: it's really disgusting

birb: does anyone want to go out

birb: like right now

birb: please

scarlet bitch: i cant :( vis and i are having a movie marathon

birb: :(

Spidey: i will!

birb: YAY :D

birb: i'll meet you outside of your room like right now

Everyone is offline

---

7:08 PM

birb is online

birb: movie night tonight?

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: we literally just had one the other night

birb: did i stutter

Irondad is online

Irondad: im down

Irondad: i'll get friday to call everyone down

birb: fantastic

Everyone is offline

---

7:13 PM

bonky is online

bonky: why isnt peter here :(

spider-mom is online

Irondad is online

scarlet bitch is online

not a virgin is online

not a virgin: Why are you texting? We're literally in the same room

Irondad: peter has a date

scarlet bitch: yeah with mj

memeqween42069 is online

bonky: oh

memeqween42069: THE SKINNY LITTLE WHITE BOY IS GETTING LAID TONIGHTTTT

Irondad: WHAT

spider-mom: PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

Spidey is online

Spidey: SHURI WTF

Spidey: I AM NOT GETTING LAID

not a virgin: Peter, why are you texting during your date? That's rude.

Spidey: shes reading all these texts

Spidey: dont worry she knows about spider-man

Spidey: and she finds this conversation very funny

Spidey: she says hi to shuri

memeqween42069: HI MJ

Irondad: kid do we need to have the talk

Spidey: NO

spider-mom: i think we do

Spidey: i definitely do not need the talk nothing is happening tonight it's just a date

Spidey: i have to go now the movie's starting

Spidey is offline

Irondad: i am so giving him the talk tonight

bonky: look at our little peter

bonky: all grown up :')

Irondad: BUCKY NO

memeqween42069: please give him the talk

memeqween42069: and record it and send it to me

spider-mom: deal.

memeqween42069 is offline

spider-mom is offline

scarlet bitch is offline

bonky: so are we all going to give him the talk

Irondad: yes.

not a virgin: Do I have to?

Irondad: yes.

Irondad: if it werent for yours and nats new relationship, i would make you sit with the kid and get the talk as well

Irondad: but lucky for you that is no longer necessary

bonky: it seems like just yesterday i was having to save his ass in an alley every other day

bonky: the skinny little 5'4 child

bonky: always sick

bonky: could never get a girl

bonky: now look at him

bonky: he's banging the black widow every night

not a virgin: Bucky, no.

bonky: ;)

Irondad: cap, we can all hear you guys

Irondad: dont get all embarrassed on us now

Irondad: from the noises you two make at night, you dont seem embarrassed in the bedroom

not a virgin: This is inappropriate.

not a virgin is offline

bonky: i walked in on them doing it on the kitchen counter earlier today

bonky: he was definitely not embarrassed then

bonky: he kinda just shooed me out of the kitchen so they could continue

Irondad: remind me to thoroughly disinfect the kitchen tonight

Everyone is offline

---

8:11 AM

birb2 is online

birb2: hey kid how was your night with mj ;)

Irondad is online

Irondad: NO

Spidey is online

Spidey: WE DID NOT SLEEP TOGETHER

Spidey: but it was nice :)

Spidey: we went and saw a movie and then we went to dinner and i walked her home

birb2: are you telling me you didn't get laid?

birb2: boring

Irondad: no not boring

Irondad: peter you are not old enough for sex

Irondad: we are all giving you the talk today after lunch

Spidey: mr stark no :(

Spidey: wait…

Spidey: "all"?!

Irondad: yes.

Irondad: even cap because he has plenty of experience now

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: we need to give you the talk now so there won't be any little peters or michelles running around the compound anytime soon

Spidey: wait how did you know her name is michelle

Spidey: ive only called her mj

spider-mom: peter you underestimate me

Spidey: right

Spidey: i forget

Spidey: you're also a master assassin, not just my spider-mom

spider-mom: but i will always be your spider-mom

Spidey: :)

spider-mom: :)

birb2: that was cute

spider-mom: you ruined the moment sam

spider-mom: get out

birb2: :(

birb2 is offline

Irondad: does that make me or cap your dad

Irondad: answer wisely, kiddo

Spidey: you're both my dads :)

Irondad: :)

spider-mom: :)

not a virgin is online

not a virgin: :)

not a virgin is offline

Irondad: wow he really just came here just to drop a smiley face didn't he

spider-mom: yeah he's lying right next to me and reading these texts over my shoulder

spider-mom: he thought it was necessary

Spidey: hi steve :)

spider-mom: he says "hi, peter"

Irondad: thanks for the hug, kiddo :')

Spidey: youre welcome :)

Spidey: i would give nat and cap a hug too but something tells me i dont want to go in there right now

Irondad: AJSDFGKJSLDGFJADSGFJKDHSFGALJDSGF

spider-mom: we arent doing anything

Spidey: no but youre lying next to each other which means youre in bed which means youre probably naked and i dont want my young eyes to see that

Spidey: get dressed and then i'll come hug you two

spider-mom is offline

Irondad: calling us your parents is not getting you out of the talk kid

Spidey: i know :(

Everyone is offline

10:03 PM

birb is online

birb: awww petey kissed a girl

Spidey is online

Spidey: CLINT WERE YOU SPYING ON ME

birb: we all were

Spidey: WHAT?!

Irondad is online

Irondad: well not all of us per se but a few of us

spider-mom is online

birb: me, tony, nat, bucky, and sam

Spidey: i hate all of you

spider-mom: no you don't you love me

Irondad: and me

Spidey: …

Spidey: i do tho

spider-mom: :(

Irondad: hey!

Irondad: i am offended!
birb: me too :(

the one brain cell is online

the one brain cell: i tried to stop them

Spidey: i love you rhodey :)

the one brain cell: :)

the one brain cell is offline

Irondad: i can't believe you just betrayed me for my own best friend

birb: yeah i thought you cared about us petey

Irondad: would you have even told us that you kissed her

Spidey: absolutely!

Spidey: not.

Irondad: oh

spider-mom: i would have found out anyways

Irondad: i'm really glad we gave you that talk otherwise that kiss would eventually lead to other places

Irondad: right cap?

spider-mom: he says "fuck you tony"

Irondad: language!

birb: language!

Spidey: language!

Irondad: are you two ever apart

spider-mom: no.

spider-mom is offline

Spidey: gtg mj is here to study

birb: "study"

Spidey: we are studying! we have a big test coming up

Irondad: it better be only studying

Irondad: i have karen monitoring your heart rate

Spidey: oh my god

Spidey is offline

birb: karen?

Irondad: peter named the AI in his suit

birb: ah

Everyone is offline

---

AcaDec

5:03 PM

Peter is online

Peter: mr stsrk i git shut

Flash is online

MJ is online

Ned is online

MJ: peter wrong chat

Ned: peter you WHAT

Peter: SHIT

Peter is offline

Abe is online

Flash: he's probably lying like he does about the internship

MJ: flash shut the fuck up

MJ is offline

Ned is offline

Abe: what the hell

Everyone is offline

---

The Avengers

5:04 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: mr stark i konda gpt shpt

Irondad is online

Irondad: you WHAT

Spidey: ya im blewdong out by dekmars

Irondad: im on my way

Irondad: DONT MOVE

Irondad is offline

Spidey: i dony thunk i could uf i wanted

Everyone is offline

---

3:02 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: whaddup losers

Spidey added Michelle Jones to the chat

Michelle Jones changed their name to "MJ"

MJ: hey

birb is online

birb: ARE YOU PETERS GIRLFRIEND

bonky is online

bonky: IS THIS THE ONE WE SAW KISSING PETER WHEN WE SPIED ON THEM AT THEIR DATE

MJ: um

Spidey: yes she took my phone and added herself

Spidey: im sorry

MJ: i wont be here for long i just wanted to say hi to everyone

Spidey: she's definitely plotting something idk what it is but be on the lookout guys

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: MJ!

MJ: SHURI!

bonky: shuri knows peter's gf?

Spidey: i introduced them

Spidey: worst decision of my life

Irondad is online

not a virgin is online

not a virgin: Nice to meet you, MJ.

not a virgin: Peter's told us a lot about you.

Spidey: not on purpose

memeqween42069: youre not technically meeting her

MJ: who the fuck is not a virgin

Irondad: im not

Spidey: thats not what she—

Spidey: idec anymore

not a virgin: I am Steve Rogers.

MJ: why is that your name i cant take it seriously

Spidey: shes been laughing her head off ever since you came on

Irondad: because he was a virgin but then he wasnt

MJ added Ned Leeds to the chat

Spidey: oh dear

Ned Leeds is online

Ned: OH MY GOD PETER IS THIS A CHAT WITH THE AVENGERS

Spidey: yes it is

Ned: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

MJ removed Ned Leeds from the chat

MJ: i just wanted to see how he would react

MJ left the chat

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: dammit i missed her

Irondad: peter bring mj over to the compound right now

Irondad: im sending happy to get you immediately

Irondad: this is not up for discussion

Irondad: it'll take a couple hours and you two are sleeping over so run over to mjs house to get her belongings and stuff and then you go back to your place and pack and then happy will get you there

Spidey: um okay

Spidey is offline

spider-mom: oh yes i get to meet her

spider-mom: and interrogate her

spider-mom: and make it very well known that if she hurts peter that i will track her down and kill her slowly and mercilessly

spider-mom is offline

birb: ooookay

birb is offline

memeqween42069: im in wakanda :(

Irondad: and you're staying there we don't need three of you at the compound at once

memeqween42069: fuck you anthony

memeqween42069 is offline

not a virgin: I'm going to have to make sure that Nat doesn't scare her too much.

Irondad: that shouldnt be a problem

Irondad: mj is like a mini-natasha

Irondad: she's scary

not a virgin: But still.

not a virgin is offline

Irondad: she's terrifying

Irondad: she's a mini-natasha and pepper

Irondad: at the same time

Irondad: oh he left

Everyone is offline

---

11:28 PM

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: peter i love your girlfriend

Spidey is online

bonky is online

bonky: i do too

Spidey: guys :') thank you

Spidey: it means the world

Irondad is online

Irondad: and remember that i will have friday notify me immediately if things get too heated in that bedroom of yours

Irondad: i better not get any notifications from her regarding you, mister

Spidey: MR STARK

Spidey: WE HAVENT SLEPT TOGETHER YET

bonky: "yet"

birb is online

birb2 is online

birb: i sensed tension and came as fast as i could

Spidey: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

bonky: isn't that from barbie

bonky: peter showed me

spider-mom: peter why are you showing bucky barbie

Spidey: in order for him to be fully immersed in todays society he needs to know everything

Spidey: and barbie is too culturally impactful for me to leave out

Spidey: i showed cap too

spider-mom: so you're the reason why cap wanted to watch barbie princess charm school last night

Spidey: IT'S A GOOD MOVIE

Spidey: DURING OUR NEXT MOVIE NIGHT CAN WE WATCH IT

not a virgin is online

spider-mom: NO

not a virgin: YES

bonky: YES

birb: YES

not a virgin: You're outnumbered. Sorry, Tash.

spider-mom: you've been spending too much time with parker

spider-mom is offline

Spidey: oof the last name

Spidey: that's cold

Spidey is offline

Irondad: he better not have gone offline to make out with that girl

Irondad is offline

birb2: YES GO GET SOME PARKER

birb: ooooooooh

bonky: peter is one lucky guy tonight ;)

Irondad is online

Irondad: NO

Irondad is offline

not a virgin: So when is our next movie night?

birb: tomorrow

not a virgin: Sweet.

not a virgin is offline

birb2: "sweet"?

birb: idk

bonky: yeet

Everyone is offline

7:06 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: eheheeheheheehehe

Irondad is online

bonky is online

birb is online

bonky: eheheheheehehehee

birb: ehehehehehehehee

Irondad: what is going on

not a virgin is online

not a virgin: eheheheheehehee

Irondad: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM

not a virgin is offline

memeqween42069 is online

scarlet bitch is online

scarlet bitch: ehehehehehehehe

memeqween42069: ehheheheheheheehe

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: they're excited to watch barbie tonight

Irondad: shuri why are you doing this you aren't even on the continent

memeqween42069: says who

Irondad: o.O

memeqween42069: i just thought it'd be fun i can't not do it

the one brain cell is online

Irondad: RHODEY

Irondad: finally someone with common sense

spider-mom: excuse me

spider-mom is offline

Spidey: you better run

the one brain cell: eheheheheheehe

the one brain cell is offline

Irondad: you've gotta be shitting me

Spidey: HA

birb: language!

Spidey: language!

bonky: language!

memeqween42069: language!

scarlet bitch: language!

Irondad: seriously

Irondad: nat what are you doing in my roksjdfglsjkfdgj

Irondad is offline

scarlet bitch: is op alright

Spidey: nat came into his room and started strangling him because he implied that she doesnt have common sense

scarlet bitch: oh

birb: lol sucks doesn't it

bonky: wait is sam gonna be there tonight

Spidey: yes it's avengers movie night

bonky: oh

bonky: sad

birb2 is online

birb2: i'm not looking forward to it either bOnKy

bonky: you don't have the right of calling me that

bonky: it's Sergeant Barnes to you

memeqween42069: AHJDGFGASDJKHGFJAHSDG

memeqween42069: I SPAT OUT MY DRINK

birb2: fuck you bonky

bonky: SERGEANT BARNES

birb2: BONKY

birb2 is offline

bonky is offline

scarlet bitch: wait did tony make it out alive

Spidey: unfortunately yes

Spidey: however he is curled up in a fetal position in the corner of his room right now

Spidey: nat is still in here and shes sitting in a chair filing her nails with one of her knives

birb: god that woman is terrifying

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: you're next clinton

spider-mom is offline

Spidey: you better run she just left the room

birb: fuck

birb is offline

Bruce is online

Spidey: BRUCE!

Bruce: Anyone wanna tell my why I just heard really high pitched screaming and I am all the way down in the labs

Bruce: The soundproof labs

Spidey: clint called nat scary

Bruce: Okay but that doesn't explain why I can also hear battle cries

scarlet bitch: bucky and sam

Bruce: Ah I see

Bruce is offline

memeqween42069: im pretty sure i just heard clint screaming again and im in wakanda

memeqween42069: oh wait that was just tchalla

memeqween42069: he accidentally offended one of the dora milaje today

memeqween42069: gtg bully him

memeqween42069 is offline

scarlet bitch is offline

Spidey: hello darkness my old friend

Everyone is offline

---

5:11 AM

Spidey is online

Spidey: steve u up

Irondad is online

Irondad: why are you asking if steve is up at five in the morning

birb is online

Irondad: why are you up so early

Spidey: wait it's already 5am

Irondad: please don't tell me you haven't gone to sleep yet

Spidey: alright then i wont tell you

Irondad: PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

Irondad: YOU CANT PULL AN ALL NIGHTER ON A SCHOOL NIGHT

birb: lol irondad

not a virgin is online

spider-mom is online

not a virgin: Why are you guys texting at five in the morning? I had a late night last night and I'm trying to sleep, but my phone keeps buzzing.

spider-mom: i also had a late night last night and am trying to sleep but steve's phone keeps buzzing

Spidey: EW

birb: OH MY GOD MY VIRGIN EARS

Spidey: clint this is a text

birb: OH MY GOD MY VIRGIN EYES

spider-mom: clint you hav N

birb: oh right

birb: one of the children is the reason i'm up at 5am

spider-mom: aw which one

birb: nate

birb: he had a nightmare :(

spider-mom: :(

Spidey: :(

spider-mom: tell him that auntie nat loves him

birb: i will :)

birb: he says he loves you too

spider-mom: :)

birb is offline

Spidey: have you guys noticed how some people just aren't responding to this chat anymore

Spidey: like tchalla and thor and vision

Irondad: thor is on asgard and everyone else probably muted this chat

Irondad: i would too but you tend to tell us that you've been shot on here instead of just communicating directly with me

not a virgin: Peter, why did you want to know if I'm up?

Irondad: well since i'm not needed…

Irondad: peace

Irondad is offline

Spidey: OH RIGHT

Spidey: i kinda have a project on world war ii that's due today and i procrastinated on it and PLEASE HELP

spider-mom: i wish i could convey his sigh of disappointment over text, but unfortunately, i cannot

spider-mom: you can probably imagine it, though

not a virgin: I will be right over, Peter.

Spidey: THANK YOU <3333

not a virgin: Why are there so many threes?

Spidey: cuz it's like a heart but i put more threes to really get my thankfulness across

not a virgin: Oh. <333333333333333

not a virgin is offline

spider-mom is offline

birb2 is online

birb2: istg kid i'm going to kill you

birb2: you woke me up at FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING

Spidey: shit

Everyone is offline

---

2:50 PM

Irondad is online

Irondad: peter

Irondad: why the fuck did i just get a call from your school saying that you got sent to the principal's office for denting the wall

Irondad: the concrete wall

bonky is online

bonky: aw you're his emergency contact

bonky: #irondadforever

Irondad: AND WHY DOES BUCKY KNOW HOW TO HASHTAG

Spidey is online

Spidey: uh yeah about that

Spidey: technically it wasn't a dent

Irondad: ???????

Spidey: i was kinda running late to class

Spidey: like really late actually

Spidey: and i was running and i kinda didn't see the wall and i kinda ran through it

Spidey: so now there's a peter-sized hole in the wall to my english class

Spidey: on the bright side i got to class on time though

Irondad: YOU RAN THROUGH THE WALL?????

Spidey: um

Spidey: yes.

memeqween42069 is online

memeqween42069: mj sent me a picture

memeqween42069: [Attachment: 1 image]

bonky: oh my god

bonky: way to go peter!

Irondad: BUCKY NO

bonky: BUCKY YES

bonky is offline

Irondad: he just HAD to have the last word didn't he

spider-mom is online

Spidey: okay but can you please come help me explain how i managed to break through a concrete or brick or whatever those school walls are made of without giving my identity away

Irondad: i'll bring the ndas

Spidey: :(

spider-mom: honestly how you've managed to keep your identity secret is beyond me

memeqween42069: I KNOW RIGHT

Irondad: wait nat why are you so active on this chat but you don't say a word on our other chat

Spidey: y-your OTHER CHAT???

memeqween42069: ooh tea

Irondad: relax kid it's just the og 6 + rhodey

Spidey: i am offended

Spidey: i will never recover from this hurt

spider-mom: because i don't like you but i like peter

Spidey: i have recovered and found my new superhero parent mr stark i hate to say this but youre fired

spider-mom: :)))

Irondad: did you just reference the apprentice

Irondad: and excuse me how dare you fire me from being your parent

spider-mom: suck it stark

Irondad: i'm the one coming to your school explaining why you managed to run through a wall with no injury whatsoever

Spidey: alright FINE youre not fired

Spidey: youre just on probation

Spidey: but nat still is my superhero parent

spider-mom: :)

Spidey: :)

Irondad: fine i'll take it i guess

Irondad: tell your principal i'm omw

Everyone is offline

12:35 PM

Spidey is online

Spidey: mr stark

Irondad is online

Irondad: yeah kid

Spidey: i left my lunchbox on the counter can you bring it

Irondad: yeah kid i can fly it over

Spidey: yay :) thanksssss

Everyone is offline

---

12:43 PM

AcaDec

Flash is online

Flash: GUYS IRON MAN IS HERE

Sally is online

MJ is online

Peter is online

Ned is online

MJ: yeah we know

Ned: hes bringing peter his lunch :)

Flash: like im gonna believe that

Abe is online

Abe: peter why did iron man just walk into the cafeteria, hand you a lunchbox, and then leave

Peter: i forgot my lunch

Flash: penis did you actually hire someone to come in with an iron man suit and bring you lunch just so we would believe you

MJ removed Flash Thompson from the chat

Sally: oh thank god

Sally: i was about to kill someone

Abe: as much as i hate flash i dont think you can just kick him from the official acadec chat

MJ: i know i'll add him back i just wanted to assert my dominance

MJ: i'll add him back in a couple hours

Everyone is offline

---

5:06 PM

MJ is online

MJ added Flash Thompson to the chat

Flash: do you guys really believe the stuff penis says

Flash: like hes clearly lying why would tony stark bring him lunch

Cindy is online

Charles is online

MJ: flash shut the fuck up no one wants to hear your insults

Ned is online

Ned: yeah peter interns for tony stark and he left his lunchbox at the compound

Peter is online

Flash: okay and i had a one night stand with black widow

Peter: youre about to regret that you said that

Peter: shuri just saw and is fuming

Peter added Shuri to the chat

Charles: who the hell is shuri

Shuri is online

Shuri added Natasha Romanoff to the chat

Ned: OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST ADD BLACK WIDOW TO THE ACADEC CHAT AKFJALDHSKAHDKDHAJ

Peter: SHURI

Shuri: nattttttttt

Shuri: you might want to read up

Natasha is online

Shuri: ooh i wanna see this

Peter: shuri im gonna kill you

Natasha: okay listen up here you little shit

Natasha: first of all how dare you speak to peter like that

Natasha: you are an asshole and nobody likes you

Natasha: you're never gonna get anywhere in life and if you ever even breathe in peter's direction again you're going to regret you ever existed

Flash: like im supposed to believe thats actually natasha romanoff

Flash: penis probably paid someone to roleplay as her

Flash: are you really that desperate for us to believe you penis

Natasha is offline

Cindy: oh my god flash shut up

Flash is offline

Abe is online

Abe: mj why did you add him back in

MJ: i had to :(

Charles: flash hasn't texted in a hot minute is he alive

Shuri: not for long bc nat just facetimed him

Shuri: shes threatening him

Shuri: [Attachment: 1 video]

Sally: i love how in that video peter's just sitting in the corner with his head in his hands like he hates his life

Peter: thats cuz i do rn

Flash is online

Natasha is online

Natasha: eugene do you have anything you would like to say to peter

Flash: sorry

Peter: its fine ig

Natasha: thank you

Natasha: and if you ever think about bullying мой ребёнок паук ever again i will turn all of the avengers against you

Natasha: you do not want that to happen

Natasha: пока ребёнок паук я тебя люблю

Peter: пока мама паук я тоже тебя люблю

Natasha Romanoff left the chat

Abe: peter knows russian????

Peter: yes

MJ: clearly

Peter removed Shuri from the chat

Peter is offline

Ned is offline

MJ is offline

Cindy: according to google translate, natasha called him "my baby spider"

Cindy: and then she said "bye baby spider i love you"

Cindy: and then he said "bye mama spider i love you too"

Sally: that's precious

Cindy: ikr

Everyone is offline

---

1:03 PM

The Avengers

spider-mom is online

spider-mom: peter do you have anything you would like to share with the class

Irondad is online

not a virgin is online

Spidey is online

Spidey: not particularly

spider-mom: okay then i will

spider-mom: [Attachment: 3 images]

Spidey: YOU SCREENSHOT IT???

spider-mom: it's very important

Irondad: PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

Irondad: HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US YOU WERE BEING BULLIED

Spidey: erm

not a virgin: Peter, you know you can talk to us, right? We could have helped you deal with this before it got too bad.

Spidey: i can hear your psa voice through that text

spider-mom: psa?

Irondad: what psa

Spidey: omg the psas

not a virgin: No.

Spidey: /ndFOYQ0bCtY

Irondad: OH MY GOD

Irondad: THESE ARE AMAZING

spider-mom: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

bonky is online

birb2 is online

bonky: oh. my. fucking. god.

bonky: this is the best thing to come out of the 21st century hands down

birb2: THE SEX ED ONE

Spidey: omg the trauma from that one

Irondad: as amazing as those are

Irondad: don't change the subject

Irondad: do i have permission to kill

not a virgin: He's a minor, so no. Wait a few years and you should be fine.

Irondad: oh

Irondad: i guess i can just blacklist him

Spidey: mr stark dont do that

spider-mom: do it

Irondad: if he bothers you again i will

Irondad: until then i will fly to him in person to threaten him

Spidey: MR STARK NO

Irondad is offline