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We finally did it. We just had sex! It was phenomenal. It was everything I thought it would be and more. But I had some questions. I was wondering what brought Scully to me tonight.
“Scully, will you tell me about this guy Daniel,” I ask, but I was a little unsure if I really wanted to know about him. He was with Scully before me, and that was a little unsettling.
She tenses up. I can feel her naked body go ridged against mine. Probably not the best time to bring the guy up, but I’m curious. It’s kind of what lead her to me-in a way.
“Mulder,” she fades out. It’s obviously a touchy subject.
“You don’t have to,if you don’t want to,” I say, running my fingers along her bare back. She shivers. I don’t want to push her and ruin the post coital.
“I ruined a family, and I was a different person then.” There’s major regret in her voice and a hint of malice.
I remain silent. I can feel the tidal wave that’s about to be unleashed. I kiss her forehead, letting her know that she is safe with me.
“I was different in med school. I was- I was attracted to older, powerful men,” she explains, huffing a bit. Leave it to Scully to be mad at her past self.
“That’s okay, Scully.”
“But, it wasn’t okay, Mulder. And I know that now. God, the things I went through with him. You know, he destroyed me.”
“You’re the strongest woman I know, Scully. That’s hard for me to imagine.”
“But, I wasn’t always. That’s what I am saying. He changed me. I changed me,” she laments.
I nod my head, not quite believing what I was hearing. Scully was always strong. I couldn’t ever imagine her crying herself to sleep or hurting over a man. Men in the bullpen literally move out of her way. It’s comical.
“Mulder, things were bad. And I’m very ashamed of myself.”
“Don’t be. We all make mistakes. Tell me about it. Maybe it’ll help,” I offer, hoping I can give her half the comfort she’s given me from time to time.
“Okay, but listen without saying anything, because I’ve never told anyone this. Not even Missy.”
“Scully, I am finally lying here naked with you. I am not going to mess that up.”
She gives my chest a kiss and inhaled deeply.
“I had to reinvent and rebuild myself after Daniel. He took everything I had and broke my spirit. And he has the audacity to tell me he loves me and followed me out here,” she scoffs.
“Mulder, I gave him all of me. I trusted him. I kept giving and giving, and he kept taking from me. He never gave anything in return. He never committed,and he never made an effort. I was in a relationship with myself, basically. But I was so young, I didn’t see it. I was just so damn in love. And he was charming,” she shrugs. Going silent again, collecting her thoughts. I couldn’t even imagine how hard this was for her.
“Anyway, once I had nothing left to give, he tossed me aside, like I didn’t even exist. Like it was the easiest thing he’s ever done. It killed me,and I never understood. I had no closure. And that was hard too.”
I felt a tear drop on my chest. I brought her in closer. I wanted to beat the shit out of this guy.
“I didn’t even know who I was after Daniel. I blew off my friends and family for him. I disconnected from everyone but him. He was all I knew. He was basically my whole world, as cliche as that sounds,” she chuckled, with a bit of darkness to her.
“I was lost. I was so angry and lost that I gave up medicine. I wanted to be a doctor since I was a child, Mulder. He ruined that for me. I needed a complete change. And of course, I couldn’t explain to anyone why I practically wasted my degree. I was too ashamed. So I joined the FBI,” she explains.
So ‘distinguishing herself’ meant starting over fresh. It wasn’t rebellion. Interesting.
“So, when I say ‘reinvent’, Mulder, I mean it. I became a whole new person. I don’t even remember the old me, at all.”
“Sometimes, I try to look back, and it’s like, that part of my life is done. I ended my younger self,” she solemnly admits. And my heart broke for her.
“Anyhow, seeing him again, reminded me of what he did to me. And what I let him do to me. And it knocked the wind out of me. I never forgot him, Mulder. I don’t want to put it all on him, because I was willing. I was taken advantage of and let it happen. I think deep down, I knew. But I was in denial.”
She goes quiet again. A quiet Scully scares me.
“Mulder-“
“Yeah,” I answer back. I’m feeling a little jealous here. Stupid really. Especially since I brought it up.
“When I think of him, I take a deep breath, and I relax. It’s a relief. I silently thank him for blowing me off. I love who I am today. I love the path that I chose after him. I did it. I survived, when I didn’t think my heart would ever love again. It hurt so badly, I wanted to give up.“
“I’m sorry you went through that, Scully. That’s not what you deserved.”
“Maybe I did though. I knew he was married. We were both in the wrong. But, I am extremely grateful that I never built a life, a future, or a family with him. I wouldn’t have been happy, and I know that now. I knew that the moment I stepped foot in his hospital room. Hell, I’ve know that for years.”
I loved when Scully opened up. She was a constant surprise.
“I know it seemed as if missed him. I am sorry if I gave you that impression. But it was just shocking. It brought everything back, and you know how I am with emotions,” she chuckles. “It was overwhelming.”
“Mulder, I’m happy, here-with you. I don’t ever want you to question that. I would choose you again ever single time. I’m on the right path.”
She looked me in the eyes and ran her fingers over my chest. Her eyes held the truth and so much more. I loved those eyes.
“I wish I knew back then where I’d be today. It would’ve saved me a lot of tears.”
“Scully, as mushy as this is, I think you’re perfect,” we both chuckle.
“Well, I’m not perfect. But, I’m a better person because of what he put me through. I don’t think you would’ve liked me back then.”
I doubted that.
“Scully, I don’t think there’s anything I don’t love about you. The way you carry yourself, and your strength, are literally my top reasons why I am attracted to you. Plus, you’re hot,” I smiled, kissing her lips. I liked those too.
“Thank you, Mulder. That means a lot.”
“I won’t ever hurt you, Scully. I mean, not on purpose. Let’s be honest, I am kind of an ass sometimes,” she gave me a heart warming smile. “I feel extremely lucky to just be laying in this bed with you. Even though it’s my bed,” I joke.
“I know, Mulder. I wouldn’t ever give myself to anyone, ever again, who I didn’t trust.”
“Well, that’s good, because I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone but you,” I say honestly, hoping it’s okay to say those things now. “And he messed up. He’s obviously regretting it. If you ask me, he got what he deserved.”
I can’t believe the guy even asked for a second chance. Ballsy, but I can’t blame him.
“Mulder, you’re good about expressing yourself and saying those kind of things. I wish I were too. But, I’ll always have that fear of rejection, even though I know that you’re it for me. The feeling is mutual. Even if I can’t say it.”
I know I look saddened and maybe even a bit rejected, but after her story, I understood. I couldn’t force her to say those words.
“Mulder, I love you. Sometimes, those words just aren’t enough though. Like they don’t do a justice for how I really feel about you. My feelings for you go behind those three words. But it’s true. It’s real. It’s happening. And I will never stop loving you.”
The wind was knocked out of me. Was I in an alternate universe? Someone pinch me.
“I want to keep building a life and a future with you. And we obviously can’t have kids, but you’re enough for me. You’ll always be more than enough for me.”
And she said it. She really said it. And then she said some more. It’ll be a while before I hear those three words again. But that’s okay. This is the most Scully has ever opened up.
So, I do what makes sense. I kiss her with every thing I have in me. And I cover her with my naked body, already starting to harden. She does that to me.
“I know, Scully. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Mulder?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we stop talking and just make love?”
“I thought you’d never ask!”