Chapter Text
Prologue
It stings. It stings in a way he's never felt before. Wrenching his insides, like the person lashing out at him at that moment was a different somebody, a shadow of what once felt like the love of his life.
Piercing through his soul, he finds the strength to yell back, until he's drained, and words stop making sense, they come out as quavering, and anger takes over in a shape he doesn't recognize. He feels powerless, and he knows he is. That's why pushing him back is all he can grasp as a way to pause this moment. But it comes out coarser than he intended. And that's all it takes for the eldest to lose it, bursting upon him like a rampant storm he's never seen before, and wishes he, today, never had the chance to meet. The pain on his jaw is sharp, but the punch didn't even hurt that much. It's more about the way he can feel his heart gradually shatter, his intoxicated self unable to handle the daunting moment and tears forming on his eyes, only shedding when he barely hurtles to lock the eldest in a tight embrace in his arms and shakes his body, a desperate intent to force him back to his senses, ignoring the increasing pain of his own untended body, pleading attention.
He finally lets go, and the yelling keeps on drilling with nonsenses.
- You never fucking said it back. Not even one fucking time in two years. Do you even understand what you mean to me? Did you ever even feel something? How fucking broken are you, Jk?
Next thing he knows, Yoongi's lip is parted and bleeding, body resting against the wall, legs failing to respond and giving out, obviously inadequate due his current state. Still, Jk painfully watches how the mess Yoongi has become lets out a shallow chuckle, far from humourous, followed by another one, until he realizes he's voidly laughing at the situation, far too intoxicated.
- Stop, hyung. Stop this shit. You're making no fucking sense. -He sounds more desperate than he intended to. He can somehow still feel his knuckles swelling, sore and obviously reddened, and even so the pain is null.
- You've used me all this time. You've used all of us to feel valid, haven't ya?
At this point, he should know he doesn't sound like himself. He should recognize his darkest thoughts taking over. He's seen this before, he's heard that talking before. But the youngest mind is nowhere near reasoning, It's just too much to take. There's a shattering sound later on, and he knows he should be thankful it's the mirror breaking down, and not himself.
And from then on, Jk's heart became an empty shell. Mere pumping crust.
- More than a year before..-
The wimpy stirring of the spoon inside the milky bowl draws all of Jungkook's attention. Early mornings are absolutely not his thing, and even if it's been 30 minutes since he dragged his body out of bed, his mind is still hazy, and this is obviously making the cereal look unpleasantly runny. He makes a grimace after the first bite, and wonders for how long he's been just staring. His phone lights up with a popping up notification, and he reads without answering for a while, enjoying his so called breakfast in the solitude of his kitchen.
[Jimin hyung]
Good morning!! Are you ready for tonight?
[Taehyung hyung]
It's barely 10 am...
[Jimin hyung]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
[Taehyung hyung]
I believe you congratulated me thirty times already last night.....
but thank you anyway Jiminnie!
[Jimin hyung]
….don't be mean :(
Jungkook smiles softly at that. It feels like he's having breakfast with someone else on one of these winter days that are supposed to be so special. That's how they have been making him feel since he met them three years ago, when they decided to approach a shy, 14 years old boy who would be too timid to even talk to someone at recess time in high school, always sitting alone with his fancy lunchbox. But that's not something Jimin by any means would allow, and it only took Jungkook a few weeks to find himself hanging out with those two, laughing until his stomach ached while Taehyung sang to trot songs at full blast, only stopping after getting scolded by his parents, which would make everything even funnier.
He grabs his phone after finishing off the first batch of cereal and responds to the group in which they're already wondering if he'd be alive at that time.
[Jungkook]
and for I have been summoned
[Jimin hyung]
HISSES
that was
SO SO SCARY
JUNGKOOK
[Taehyung hyung]
my heart is fragile.....
yet you're so careless...
[Jungkook]
…..... profound.
Anyways are you hyped about your bday party, hyung?
[Taehyung hyung]
….........i didn't get much sleep............
[Jimin]
cutecutecutecutecute
[Jungkook]
hahaha i'm hyped too
we're meeting at 9 at your place, right?
[Jimin]
yes his place
i invited a few people
hope you don't mind!
[Taehyung]
i would be interested in knowing
what you consider
a few
[Jimin]
dont need to worry
i got your back taetae <3
Jungkook's not specially fond of parties, specially not big, crowded ones. But he knows by experience that whatever gathering includes them three, he can (and will) feel comfortable, and probably let loose or, as Taehyung calls it “kick away that ugly frowning”.
The small matinal chatting gives him motivation to move on from the neverending breakfast and attend all his errands that morning, such as tidying up the house before his parents come back for New Years eve. Tonight seems promising, and he knows that, deep inside, he is in need of getting away from his own thoughts.
<<>>
The night is freezing cold. It reminds him of the times he used to pretend blowing out smoke like a fierce dragon on winter early mornings, when making his way to school. His nanny would always ask about it, probably trying to start a conversation, but Jungkook would -commonly- be too lost on his own imagination to answer. The fond memory dissipates as soon as he reaches Taehyung's apartment and he halts, fidgeting on his feet out of nervousness. He knows he cannot foretell how tonight's going to turn out, or if his mind's going to play games again and make him forget pretty much everything as it's done many times before. He's always laughed it off. said he's got the memory of a goldfish, but sometimes it earnestly worries him, even makes him anxious. Still, there's nothing he can do to prevent this from happening, so he would just rather ignore it and make the most of every good situation, and engrave them into his brain.
As soon as the door opens, he wonders how late is he, or if everyone else is actually there earlier. He doesn't think it took him specially long to get ready today, but when Taehyung opens the door, there's already a wave of human warmth hitting him, and music plays loudly in the distance. He must've made a muddled face, because the oldest scoffs at his expression and taps his back, guiding him inside.
- You finally made it! I was about to start calling you until your phone was fried.
Jungkook raises the corner of his lips at that, because he knows it's true. They really value his presence, and he's grateful they do so. Taehyung's apartment is not particulary spacious, and there's nearly as many people as shown in those house parties thrown in movies. Still, there might be fifteen people squeezing at each other on the living room, dancing, driking and chatting. There are also ornaments on the walls that he's very sure Jimin had to do with, alongside with the snacks cautiously placed all over the room. The balcony window is open, but that doesn't stop the smell of cigarettes – and probably other substances - from enveloping the place.
Before he realizes, his hand is wrapped around a glass of some liquid he would like to think of as apple juice, because otherwise he'd just dismiss the smell.
- What the heck is this?
- My special cocktail of the night. - Jimin blows in, a big grin on his face and cheeks flushing red; maybe from dancing, maybe from drinking - You gotta catch up with us, Jungkookie! Make it up for being late. - He taps his head twice, which seems kind of gawky, the youngest being considerably taller than Jimin.
- Why are there so many people I don't know? Are they really from highschool? Because I start feeling like we don't attend the same place, and... - His words come out slightly uneasy, and they both seem to notice his shyness resurface for a second, quick to give him reassuring smiles.
- Jimin really has his tricks up his sleeve. - He shrugs, both just silently acknowledging Jimin's social skills - ...so I just came across an old friend from my first years at the conservatory, and we've been talking for a while. - He gestures towards a guy resting on the door frame that connects with the kitchen, chatting to someone his eyes can't reach.
- And his friend is really attractive, honestly. -He giggles, and Taehyung goes along, rolling his eyes just slightly-.
Jungkook seems a bit reluctant to join a late conversation, considering they're all already feeling tipsy, specially the unknown foresaid boys. So, that's all it takes for him to literally chug half of his drink, which makes both his friends' jaws drop considerably, followed by incredulous laughter. Taehyung spends his arm on the younger's shoulder and squeezes him softly, making a motion so that they move back to their previous conversation.
- ...it's not that much about the beat, but there's something about the flow that just doesn't click with me, y'know? - The tallest of them explains, apparently immersed in a conversation with the black haired boy he didn't achieve to skim before.
They both turn their heads when they realize their presence, and Jungkook just smiles shyly, already regreting the alcohol he mindlessly showered down his throat, which still stings.
- Hey, sorry for leaving. -Jimin grabs the youngest boy by the edge of his shirt, pulling him closer - This is Jeon Jeongguk. He's one year younger than us, so we adopted him some time ago. - He introduces him, and Jungkook doesn't really know if he's thankful or not, because he only gets to nod lightly and smile at them, feeling a bit timid after being adressed as, pretty much, Taehyung and Jimin's baby.
- Oh. Nice to meet you, Jungkook. My name's Namjoon, and this is Yoongi. I literally dragged him here so that he'd meet new people for the first time since he was introduced to his parents.
The referred-to boy snorts, shaking his head with a wry smile that makes his delicate facial features light up in a more charming, intriguing manner. Jungkook's kind of taken aback from the way Yoongi's gaze bore into his own, even though he's quick to avert his eyes after a few seconds in which he probably just registered his face. Namjoon, on the other hand, who came across as a towering, imposing boy, gives off a very different vibe; eyelids hooded from what might have been caused by some narcotics, together with a mellow, permanent grin, give his overall face a sense of reliability, of comfort, akin to what an older brother would feel like.
- Were you talking about music? I sense you were talking about music. - Taehyung's cheerpy tone interrumpts the brief silence, staring at the tallest boy with obvious curiosity in his sparkly pupils.
- Yeah, he won't shut up about it. - Yoongi finally speaks, and his voice is absolutely not what Jungkook would have expected. It's deep, hoarse, and idle, as if he wasn't even trying to make it sound attractive, but it does. It's not like Jungkook usually analises people to that extent, but he sure does appreciate unique voices.
- Oh, and you will? Music is literally your only hobby. - At that, Jimin's smile turns downwards, becoming an exaggerated pout.
- Really? All you do in your free time? -. It's obvious that he's flirting, but sometimes Jungkook still doesn't identify when it is genuine, since the bubbly boy simply comes off as coy or flirtatious without really trying to.
- Well, I don't know. I also... Uhm. - Yoongi darts a glance at Namjoon, and he's quick to respond.
- He also enjoys interior design. Which, with all honesty, - one hand to his chest, he shakes his head in disapproval – I will never comprehend the appeal of.- Everyone laughs at that, and Jungkook finds himself way more comfortable now, body language obviously relaxing.
Jimin's quick to suggest they all sit outside, in the balcony which, even if it's not too large, will allow them to sit down and avoid raising their voices to be heard.
Almost two hours later, Jungkook's body feels elated, the two prior glasses of “Jimin's cocktail” he finished probably being the reason why he's considerably more laid back about everything he does and says. They've been coming and going with the conversation, sometimes it had turned more personal, sometimes they'd just burst out laughing, Jimin clumsily falling from his seat countless times, probably the most inebriated of the five.
So far, Jungkook has learned Namjoon and Yoongi met through soundcloud, both really interested in making music, and they started giving each other feedback with the creations the shared, until they eventually decided on meeting face to face. They're both the same age, two years older than Jungkook, and therefore graduated a year ago. He's also learned they smoke weed. He's not too startled by it, but it's kind of out his element to see someone do it so naturally, and still keep their wit and smartness. Jungkook used to regard drug use as unnecesary, dicey and, altogether, stupid, but they're somewhat proving him wrong, and he even starts feeling curious at some point about how it must be inside their heads right now.
Music has been a recurring topic throughout the whole conversation, since Namjoon joined the same conservatory Taehyung attended -and still does-, but left a year after, because “it was not what i was looking for”. It seems like they all share that in common, even though Jimin does so through dancing, which also caught their attention for a while. Everything summarizes in uncertain promises about sharing their art, but Jungkook is not really sure for how long that small gathering will keep in touch after that night. Still, the connection is strong and, even if they feel like they come from opposite words, both sides feel strongly attracted to the other polar.
It's far past midnight when Jimin and Jungkook reunite in the bathroom after a long dancing session that made them all realize they're probably too wasted to keep on going with the party, and Jungkook plans on coming back home after expelling all the alcohol in his system, vainly hoping that'll make his head feel less muddled. Jimin quietly smiles at him, resting his back on the wall beside the bathroom door, currently occupied. His lips seem even more plump, reddened, harmonizing with the flush in his cheeks.
- Did you kiss someone, hyung? - He doesn't realize he put his thoughts into words, and when he does, he immediately bites his lower lip, wondering if he sounded too brash. Jimin just turns his head to the living room, mimicking the boy's gesture to conceal a mischievous smile, not seemingly bothered.
- Maybe. Don't act so surprised, Jungkookie. - Turning his head to look back at the younger one, he keeps the smile on his lips -. Didn't you?
- Uhm. I was actually thinking of going back home already. And... That wasn't really in my plans. - A bit confused by his sudden inquire, he shakes his head, hand travelling to his own neck.
- Oh... That's a pity... - Disappointment doesn't last long in his tone, and soon enough he sounds cheerful again.- But you must be tired. Be sure to take a cab home, okay?
- Sure, hyung. Don't worry about it.
They both call it a day with the conversation, and Jungkook enters the bathroom after a tall girl comes out. He feels really dizzy, head so light he's proud nausea hasn't hit during the night. He's also happy that he remembers everything that happened so clearly, no empty spaces between memories in which he would do things he doesn't recall. It just sometimes feels like somebody else took control, he thinks.
<<>>
- I'll take care of it, don't worry too much. Go study for that test and leave it to me, okay?
Namjoon gives the shorter boy a reassuring smile while he holds the door of his apartment open, seeing him off. Yoongi doesn't look very convinced, and they both know he'd have stayed for three more hours at least, but they can't afford that with their schedules. And if he did, they would start asking too many questions at home. Not like he would be answering, but still.
- I'll be waiting for the sample when it's done renderizing, okay? - He points at Namjoon with one finger, aiming to make it sound like a threat, although the hint of a satisfied grin gives him away.
They both say goodbye and Yoongi starts making his way to the subway station to head back home. He's starting to run out of money and it's still early January, and the option of taking the one hour walk home starts feeling too tempting. Despite hating walking for too long, he's got his headphones, and the weather isn't as freezing as it had been some days before, no hints of rain pouring soon. Adjusting his beanie so that it properly covers his ears after putting in the headphones, he starts walking under the already dark sky of winter, still not dark enough for people to be home, which makes the murmuring of passers-by become his companion alongside the music on his worn headphones. Soon enough his mind lets go of his worries, melting with the rhymes of some of his favorite artists, such as Epik High, 2Pac or Nas. He can rattle off almost all of their lyrics, and he knows no one at home would appreciate his penchant for this music or even music in general, but at least Namjoon does. At least everyone he tries to surround himself with does, and that's about everything he needs to linger on it.
By the time he walks in home, it's almost 10 pm, and the house is mostly quiet, the voice of his sister having a conversation in the distance over the TV in an almost silent volume being the only thing to be heard. He prefers it being like that, not really in the mood to encounter his parents at any moment. His day was good, and it wouldn't take long for it all to go to waste in this house. He sighs as he walks towards his room, steps quiet and cautious, wood under his socks feeling warm. Still, nothing feels as snug as his own bedroom. His safe place, his sanctuary, his refuge. But someone stops him from entering said safe place, his sister stepping loudly behind him, arms closed in front of her body.
She gives off a different vibe than Yoongi does, even if their facial features are so alike; with only a two year gap, people have wondered if they were twins more than once. Still, as he sees it, Yoona comes off as more mature, vivacious, and, in general, resilient. She's just strong, overall, and Yoongi knows it's not just a mask, but fruit of hard work on herself and lots of healing. He doesn't think he can say the same for himself.
- Avoiding family dinner?
- Not really, we just lost track of time. You know, that happens. - His body relaxes with the conversation, casually drawing his phone from his pocket to check his messages, but not really paying attention to them.
- Yeah, I know. There's some food in the kitchen in case you get this midnight craving of yours. Mum made some dakgomtang.
- Okay, that's nice. Thanks for worrying. -There's a pause, and his eyes divert to the girl with a bit of a spark on them.- Were you talking with... - Yoona's body becomes stiff, cutting him off in time and shaking her head.-
- None of your business, dwarf.
- Don't call me that, you're literally smaller than me, lovesick.
She tries to look pissed at that, but in the end only clicks her tongue and hides a playful smile, shaking her head as she shows the younger her middle finger.
- Goodnight, Yoon-ah.
- Goodnight, noona.
After a short exchange of looks, he finally goes into his room, now actually paying attention to his phone. There are some messages from Andy that make him chuckle softly while he lets his body completely fall back into bed without even minding taking off his clothes first. They chat for a while, and he can feel his mood lift up again, previously a bit drained from the familiar smell of home. Then another notification pops up on Kakaotalk, and he's added to a group chat. Frowning, he numbly stares at his screen while the messages start appearing, and he can recognise the names storming, somehow, into his phone. It's the same people from that birthday party, he can remember all of them – surprisingly - ; Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin.
They all, one way or another, made an impact on Yoongi, even if he won't say that out loud under any circumstances. It's hard to explain, but he trusts his gut, and it lets him know when people keep that rare spark inside them, one that only people with such sensitivity can see, invisible to the rest of the world, and looked down on when it's displayed in any shape of expression. The staring remains for a while without him typing any answer, but his face does give in to a small grin every now and then. He eventually buckles and joins the conversation, which quickly turns into a moot blabber about what happened on Taehyung's birthday between Jimin and Yoongi. His replies are brief and unswayed, and this seems to rage the whole group, starting a fuss about Yoongi being that ambiguous about everything, and specially, and quoting Taehyung, “spilling the tea”. They seem like a nice group of people, and Yoongi ponders over the idea of them becoming a substantial part of his daily routine. The thought doesn't feel wrong.
<<>>
It's nearly 2AM and Jimin lays on Taehyung's lap while they both listen to some jazz music softly playing in the background, their chit-chat now abating as they spent all of their energy doing the usual when they're together; playing around, making up Oscar-worthy long plays, gossiping about people they know and, most importantly, laughing until their stomaches feel like they worked out for an entire hour.
There's a long silence while they remain on Taehyung's bed, deep into their own thoughts, cheeks flushing because of the central heating being now a bit suffocating, until Taehyung speaks up.
- Hey, Chim. I've been thinking about something for some time, and I'm actually kinda worried about it.
- Hm? - He turns his head to stare at him, scanning his expression to quickly recognise the gravity of the matter-. Sure, tell me.
Taehyung takes some seconds to speak again, looking around as he gathers his thoughts to avoid speaking on a whim.
- I feel like Jungkook isn't doing good. Like... He's been acting really strange for some time now, and I'm seriously wondering what's exactly going on, and why isn't he telling us.
At that, Jimin's expression becomes more serious, and he stands up to sit in front of his best friend, crossing his legs and immediately becoming small as he's tucked in his oversized hoodie.
- Yeah, I know what you mean. At first I thought this whole memory loss wasn't serious, but now... He sometimes feels like he's not here? Like he's zooming out and doesn't pay attention to his surroundings? He's always been in his head a lot, but it's getting weird...
Taehyung nods at that, and now they make eye contact. He figets with his fingers, a bit unsteady.
- And not just that, but also... He sometimes doesn't... feel like himself? - He frowns at that, realizing how weird it sounds-. Like his drawings... They're sometimes very... dark? Not like that's unusual, but he's usually very colorful and bright, and his latest pieces are... gloomy.
- Yes, I've realized too. I believe that speaks a lot about what's inside his head.
- Yeah, me too.
They fall silent again, and Taehyung bites his lip repeatedly as they both look away.
- He was going to therapy, right?
- Yes, but he's very private with it. Since the accident, he didn't like to talk about it much. I guess it makes sense. - Jimin pauses and gives Taehyung a dejected smile. - It must be hard to talk about it.
- I just wish he'd rely more on us, you know?
-Yeah, me too. He seems to keep many things to himself. - They both sigh, oddly in sync, and the melody in the background fills the room again, a peaceful atmosphere soothing the conversation.
- Should we have some snacks? It's the time -. Jimin inquires, grinning fondly. Taehyung's eyes light up a little bit after hearing him, and quickly smiles back.
- If I ever say no to that, you'll know there's something really wrong with me.