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Is he too calm? Should he be crying? What should he be feeling? Isa can’t stop thinking that he should be feeling something while sitting in the waiting room. Mostly he just feels annoyed. The hospital staff are refusing him entrance because he’s not blood family. He’s just a coworker, and besides Ryuuji’s family should actually be coming to see him before he…
Isa thinks he’d like to leave before Ryuuji’s family arrives. He had never met them, and he doesn’t feel any need to. There’s no reason for him to stay here, after all he won’t be let in and it’s not like he could do anything even if he was. Still, he can’t bring himself to move. He feels like there’s something he’s supposed be doing…something he’s supposed to be feeling, but he just doesn’t know what that is.
The sight of a distraught man walking into the waiting room breaks Isa from his reverie; the man appears to be talking to a nurse, and he’s visibly upset. From what Isa can hear the man is worried about someone, is begging the nurse for answers, and she keeps apologizing, saying there’s nothing more to be said at the moment. Isa’s caught staring as the man glances over at him, but it doesn’t cause him to look away.
Once the nurse has returned to her duties the man approaches Isa, taking an empty seat next to him. Isa wonders what the man is feeling, wonders if there’s someone important to this person here and if they’re feeling what he should be feeling (he cares about Ryuuji, doesn’t he? Should he be upset like this man is?).
“Why are you here?” Isa asks, his voice as neutral as it always is. For a second the man seems surprised, either at Isa’s question or simply being addressed, Isa can’t tell.
“I…my brother, Nageki, is in the hospital,” the man says, “He’s always been ill, but this time…” Isa could finish the sentence for him, because he knows that the same fate likely awaits Ryuuji as well. It looks like the man might start crying, but suddenly he’s smiling at Isa, and holding out a hand. “My name is Hitori. What about you? Why are you here?”
“…Isa,” he replies, taking Hitori’s hand lightly. He hesitates in answering why he is here, because he’s not fully sure. Being at the hospital for a family member sounds different than saying he’s there because his boss is dying. He’s been trying to figure out why he’s at the hospital as well. What does his presence do for Ryuuji? Hitori is looking at him funny, so Isa answers honestly. “I…don’t know. My boss is ill, and they won’t let me in to see him since I’m not family.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, that must be hard for you,” Hitori replies, still giving Isa a gentle smile. Isa wonders how he can find it in himself to comfort a stranger, what is this doing for him? Suddenly Hitori’s expression changes slightly, “Er, you care about your boss, right?”
For a brief second Isa has to look away. He thinks he cares about Ryuuji, what else would keep him here? What else could describe his confusion over what he should be feeling now?
“I…do,” he says, “But I…” His voice catches, and there’s something he wants to say but he has no idea how to describe what’s happening to him. It’s not something he knows, it’s not something he’s ever been taught. Just then everything spills out, and he finds himself confiding in a stranger, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I think I should be feeling something, right? Am I just broken? How could I not feel a thing when I think I care about him?” Isa finds himself annoyed even more at his own lack of emotions, and is tempted to get up and leave. Hitori’s expression of shock softens so quickly though, and Isa finds he wants to know what he says.
“You’re not broken,” Hitori says quietly, “Everyone experiences things differently…some people just don’t get as emotional as others, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about him though. You could be in shock too, it’s natural, if you’re losing someone you care about.”
It feels like there’s a lump in Isa’s throat (or maybe in his heart), but somehow Hitori’s words make him feel more at ease. Hitori has put back on that comforting smile, and starts telling Isa everything he feels for Nageki. Isa interrupts him occasionally to ask what those feelings are like, how he can feel so much and what those emotions are like to experience.
Sometimes it seems like it’s hard for Hitori to answer Isa’s questions, comments that Isa seems like a very logical person, but later thanks him for letting him talk about everything.
“It felt good…saying all that,” Hitori says, “I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, but I’m glad you listened.” Isa doesn’t feel like what he’s done is worthy of thanks, but he nods his head.
When Isa has to leave Hitori gives him his number, and tells Isa that if he needs any support he can contact him. Isa puts the number in his phone, but has no intention of ever using it.
---
Ryuuji’s funeral is on a Wednesday and Isa doesn’t go because Ryuuji is not there. Ryuuji is dead. There’s no reason to waste time on a picture and a box when he can be working. There’s nothing he can do for Ryuuji anymore.
Isa never told Ryuuji he cared about him.
Tohri bursts into the lab and he is the last person Isa feels like dealing with, but his words strike a chord. Isa tells him he hasn’t been taught what he’s supposed to do in this situation, and he’s being painfully honest. Tohri thinks he’s handling it well, but Isa doesn’t know how to say he just doesn’t know what he should be feeling.
He thinks Hitori must have been lying or being polite (or both) when he said he wasn’t broken. Shouldn’t he be crying? Shouldn’t he be doing something besides working?
After Tohri leaves Isa returns to his work, but nothing is getting done. He pulls out his phone and hesitates, before finally deciding to call Hitori. Isa doesn’t expect the stranger to pick up, they barely know each other, and it was probably just out of politeness that he gave his number.
The dialing tone stops.
“Hello?”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel,” Isa can’t stop the words from coming out, and he feels as empty as he did when he was telling Tohri the same thing. There’s silence on Hitori’s end; perhaps the other hung up. It’s not like it’s his responsibility to do anything for Isa.
“I’m sorry,” Hitori replies, finally, “I…Nageki passed away too, and I’ve been…” It sounds like he’s been crying. That’s what Isa would probably be doing too, if he knew how, or if he could somehow be taught how to feel that strongly. Isa doesn’t know what to say, and his thumb begins hovering over the end button. “Do you want to come over for dinner Friday? We could talk then, if you want.”
“Yes,” Isa answers without thinking, and so they exchange the necessary information. He’ll have work on Friday, but there’s no reason why he won’t be able to leave early. He’s the head of the department now.
---
Hitori is making a big fuss out of putting everything on the table for dinner, and Isa has been told to sit at the table and wait since he’s the guest. When Hitori finally sits down he looks surprisingly happy despite the circumstances of why they’re having dinner together, and enthusiastically tells Isa to dig in.
“I’m sorry there’s not too much,” Hitori says after a few minutes, and Isa shakes his head immediately.
“It’s fine,” he replies, and this seems as though it puts Hitori at ease. Isa tries to make small talk, but for once doesn’t dive into asking about how or what he should be feeling. “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a math teacher,” Hitori smiles, “It might not make a lot, but I love my students, so that makes up for it. What about you, Isa?”
“I’m the head of a biological research department,” Isa says, and Hitori is looking at him with wide eyes.
“Oh! This must seem so…pitiful then,” Hitori’s smile looks a little more strained, but Isa shakes his head, confused.
“No, this is all fine,” he replies, “It’s a good dinner.” It doesn’t seem like his words have that much of an effect on Hitori, so he continues, trying to figure out what he should say. “And…I appreciate the offer, we’re strangers so there was no reason for you to invite me, but I am…thankful.” This seems to work, and it seems like a genuine smile is back on Hitori’s face.
“Well, then you’re very welcome. You’re free to come next Friday if you want.”
They don’t end up talking about their respective losses, and instead make small talk. Instead of remaining strangers they actually begin to get to know each other outside of their grief.
---
Isa returns to Hitori’s the next Friday, and the Friday after that, until it becomes every Friday. During their dinners together they continue to get to know each other; Hitori talks more about Nageki, and Isa tells him about Ryuuji. Isa learns that Hitori is actually quite a brilliant mathematician, and is surprised he’s not doing more than teaching.
Sometimes Isa is reminded of the regret he has in never telling Ryuuji how important he was. Hitori seems to have frequently told Nageki that he loved him, but never chastises Isa or blames him for not saying anything. He is almost infuriatingly supportive.
Apart from the regret, and what Isa is told is sadness, he also finds himself happy while telling Hitori stories about Ryuuji. It seems strange at first, but Hitori assures him that it’s normal to feel happy when remembering someone too, even if they’re gone.
Outside of their Friday night dinners Hitori begins texting Isa more frequently. Most startlingly he begins texting reminders to Isa to sleep or to eat, and it reminds Isa all too much of how Ryuuji used to treat him. When he tells Hitori this one Friday evening Hitori offers to stop, if it bothers Isa. Although he doesn’t know why, Isa doesn’t want the texts to stop, so he tells Hitori it’s fine to continue.
The next day Isa can’t get the Hitori’s smile when he said that out of his head.
On occasion Hitori would apologize to Isa for having so little for dinner, or for having something that must seem cheap compared to what Isa must make. Like the first time Isa usually brushes it off, and tells Hitori that he enjoys the dinners all the same.
One night Isa finally is able to articulate that he appreciates what Hitori is doing because Hitori’s doing it for him.
“Most people I know care only about themselves, perhaps I’m like that too, since I keep coming without doing anything for you,” he tells Hitori, “But you invited me for dinner when you had just lost someone close to you, and I was only a stranger. You had no obligation to me, yet you’ve continued to invite me back over and over.” Isa actually feels like he’s said something that should cheer Hitori up, but instead it seems like the other man looks sadder. For a second Isa is annoyed, and is about to start thinking about what he could have done wrong when Hitori starts talking.
“ ‘We eat together on Fridays’,” Hitori says, and it seems obvious to Isa, that indeed they do eat together on Fridays, but Hitori continues, “It’s something Nageki and I always used to say. No matter what, we always had dinner together on Fridays. That Friday I invited you over…it would have been the first Friday I would’ve spent home alone. When he was in the hospital I didn’t have to think about it, but I couldn’t stand the thought of eating alone here, at home.”
Hitori is no longer looking at Isa, and this is something that Isa doesn’t know how to respond to. Isa almost thinks he has something to say, but Hitori beats him to saying anything again.
“Having someone coming over for Friday dinners, looking forward to making dinner for someone on Fridays,” Hitori’s voice cracks, and it looks like he might cry (Isa will have no clue what to do if he does), “It’s the only thing that gets me through weeks anymore. It makes my life livable. So you’re not selfish for coming…if anything, I’ve been selfish for-“
“You haven’t been,” Isa cuts in, finding his voice, and feeling something that is but isn’t annoyance at Hitori, “It’s not selfish. And I’m still thankful.” They sit in silence, and it seems like Hitori is able to swallow back his tears. Eventually he reaches over and grabs Isa’s hand, and Isa finds himself willingly offering it.
“Thank you,” Hitori says, smiling and giving Isa’s hand a small squeeze. Isa thinks he might be starting to feel the same way about Hitori as he did about Ryuuji (or perhaps it started a long time ago, and he was late to notice again). There is something distinctly different about his thoughts towards Hitori, so he doesn’t know if he’s just imagining things or if it’s possible to care for people in different ways.
---
Hitori mentions spending time with someone he met named Kazuaki, and Isa is annoyed at most, indifferent at least. It’s none of his business what Hitori does during his spare time, yet there’s some feeling inside of him that is a distinct annoyance directed towards this outsider.
Kazuaki is brought up more than once, often to talk about how sad he always seems to be, and how Hitori tries to comfort him but the other usually just starts crying. When Isa asks why Hitori is always trying to comfort strangers Hitori teases that if he didn’t the two of them would never have met. For some reason, this comment brings up the same annoyance he’d felt toward Kazuaki before, and he drops the subject.
Despite having reassured Hitori that Isa didn’t mind his motives behind initially inviting him for dinner, it’s brought up again. Isa is ready to reiterate what he’s said before, and expect it to work like it has in the past. He’s never sure what to do when Hitori doesn’t respond the way he expects, so when Hitori remains sullen all Isa can do is furrow his eyebrows and feel helpless.
He’s told Hitori that he’s still thankful, that he still appreciates the kindness and enjoys the dinners himself. It’s not one-sided, and he comes back for a reason, even if he’s not always sure what the reason is. It’s even become a well-known fact at the office that he will never be caught staying late on a Friday evening.
Tohri asked him once why it was he always left early on Fridays, and unsure of how to respond Isa said the only thing that came to mind.
“We eat together on Fridays,” he had said, and the phrase had a certain weight to it, a feeling associated with it that felt important. Tohri had tried to question him further, but Isa had pushed the man away as usual and returned to work.
Now he was wondering what could possibly have made Hitori so upset over why he invited Isa over in the first place. Isa doesn’t think he’d mind if Hitori is still being selfish, and only doing it to have something to get through the week, even if it does make him question the daily texts, the talks, emotions that rise up when he catches himself thinking of Hitori.
“I’ve been talking with Kazuaki lately,” Hitori mumbles, and Isa can feel his face scrunch slightly in annoyance. He can’t shake the feeling, even though he has no idea why his dislike for someone he’s never met is so strong. “We were talking and we both…he’s always so miserable and when I’m alone I feel so helpless…we started thinking we might make a suicide pact. I thought I’d tell you since, Fridays wouldn’t really-“
“No,” Isa growls, and the force behind his voice is stronger than he’d expected. His body has tensed up, and he clenches his hands on the edge of the table, glaring at Hitori. “How dare you?! How could you just throw your life away like that? And what about me?!” What about him was a question Isa was asking himself too, why did it matter? Why did he feel so strongly about this, and why wouldn’t these emotions stay down, why couldn’t he keep them from spilling out of his mouth. “Didn’t you say these dinners made your life livable? What am I supposed to do if you die?!”
The last line escapes and Isa is shaking, and then all of a sudden he feels his shoulders drop and the anger is replaced with a wave of sadness. He feels like he might throw up. It hits him like a brick when he realizes what he’s feeling.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost someone else,” he says in a barely audible voice, and without looking he can feel Hitori’s wide-eyed stare. When Isa manages to look at Hitori the other is no longer staring at him, but seems to be staring off into the distance and processing something. Hitori has a frown on his face, and he seems mostly confused and lost in thought. Isa has no idea how to read emotions, so he looks away, he glares at the table and curses whatever it is that made him feel so strongly about Hitori.
It was bad enough having lost someone he cared for before, if he could’ve had his way he would have gone on to never care about anyone else. Yet here he was, showing up every Friday to Hitori’s house, he’d brought this upon himself.
Hitori’s hand on his shoulder quite literally shakes him out of these thoughts, and Isa raises his glare to meet Hitori’s eyes. His expression doesn’t seem to deter Hitori, who just starts talking without removing his hand.
“Isa…I can live, if only to keep making these Friday dinners for you,” Hitori says, “I…I need to live for someone, have someone to care about…I just hadn’t realized that I’d been doing that for you already.” The look on Hitori’s face is so earnest, it’s something that Isa can’t quite understand but he’s grateful. Some part of his mind is telling him that yes, this is what he wants, he wants Hitori to live for him.
Unsure of how to communicate he only nods, and then is hit with relief. Had he actually been scared over losing Hitori? It’s strange and confusing, but he feels so relieved. Hitori is smiling, and then leans over and pulls him in for a hug. Isa is stiff, unused to this, but raises his arms anyway and relaxes because he is relieved.
“Do I…feel like a brother to you?” Hitori asks after they’ve finished cleaning up the table, and before Isa was preparing to leave. The question strikes Isa as strange, and wrong, because that’s not how he feels at all.
“No,” he says curtly, “I’ve never had siblings, so you don’t feel like a brother to me.”
“Hm,” is all Hitori says back, but he seems to be thinking about something.
“What?” Isa asks, perhaps a little snippy, but this night has been too full of emotions he can barely grasp and his inability to read Hitori’s emotions.
“Oh, nothing,” Hitori sighs, and smiles, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not important.” Isa wants to push it, but he feels exhausted so he simply says his goodbyes and leaves for the night.
---
The first time Isa texts first comes when he’s working late in the lab and can’t stay focused. His mind was wandering back to Hitori’s words, to Hitori saying he would live for him. Lately Isa found it hard to not think of Hitori as his, and his alone, but there was so much attached to those feelings that he didn’t think he was ready for yet.
At the same time, he finds himself pushing down worrying thoughts of telling Hitori how he felt before it was too late. Although Hitori seemed healthy, and tragedies were unlikely Isa couldn’t help but worry that he might lose his chance to say anything to Hitori like he did with Ryuuji.
With those thoughts swirling in his head he texts Hitori a simple “How are you?”. Given the time, he doesn’t expect a response.
A few minutes later he gets a text from Hitori saying: “Can I call you?”
Looking around Isa realizes that most of the others have gone home, or are working elsewhere. The only other person in the room is Tohri, and he’s preoccupied as usual and Isa certainly doesn’t care if he bothers him. Instead of responding to Hitori’s text Isa just calls him.
“Hi,” Hitori breathes, and it sounds like he’s out of breath as he answers after the first ring, “I’m sorry I just had a nightmare, and, and since you texted I just thought…I don’t know.”
“It’s alright,” Isa murmurs, “I’m here for you.” Out of the corner of his eye he sees Tohri staring at him with narrowed eyes, so he glares back for a second, and then returns all his attention to what Hitori is saying.
Eventually Hitori calms down, and says he’s going to go back to sleep, so they say their goodbyes. Before Isa has even placed the phone back on the table Tohri is standing behind him with hands on his hips.
“Isa Souma! Who was that?” Tohri demands, and Isa picks up a quill to return to work instead of looking at the flashy man.
“None of your business,” he replies in a deadpan voice, completely different from the tender voice he’d spoken to Hitori in a few seconds ago.
“Nonesense! That sounded nothing like how you talk to anyone else! What secrets are you hiding?”
“Still none of your business.”
“Hmph, you’re so rude, Isa Souma.”
“I don’t care. I’m trying to work, if you have nothing work-related to speak about, please go find something else to do.”
Tohri makes a fuss, but Isa is good at ignoring him and is finally able to return his focus to his work once the other leaves. Almost completely focused at least, as he finds himself smiling by the time he goes home.
---
From the time they started having the weekly Friday dinners Isa had never missed a night, and it had been at least a few months. With a deadline approaching and having taken a workload akin to what Ryuuji used to take though he found himself turning off his phone one Thursday, and promising to turn it back on Friday before he had to leave.
By the time he finished all the reports that he’d stubbornly refused help on (Ryuuji used to have him help, but he didn’t need anyone else, he was fine) it was well past one in the morning on Saturday. He turned his phone back on, and the time at first didn’t seem real to him.
He was completely alone in the lab, but he sat straight up, and then his phone was assaulted with a barrage of missed texts and calls notifications. Without looking at any of them he immediately called Hitori, and the other line was picked up not even all the way through the first ring.
“Isa?” Hitori sounds frantic, “Thank the heavens, I’ve been worried out of my mind, what happened?”
“Hitori, I’m sorry, sorry,” Isa thinks he’s actually feeling guilty, yes, this must be guilt he thinks, and runs a hand through his short hair. “I’m sorry, I had a lot of work to finish and forgot to turn my phone back on I…lost track of the time.”
Hitori’s silent, and then there’s a sigh of relief, and a small laugh.
“It’s okay, I was just…imagining the worst,” Hitori says, and Isa swallows. He’s feeling bad about this. It’s a new feeling, certainly, but he’s also feeling relieved that Hitori isn’t mad. Even though he’s feeling exhausted he wants to make it up to Hitori.
“Do you want to meet later today? To make up for it?” he asks, and it might be strange, he thinks, since they’re never met outside of their Friday nights.
“Only if you promise to get some sleep,” Hitori replies, “But yes. It would be good to see your face after being worried about you.” A warm feeling rises in Isa, and he catches a smile on his face.
It’s so strange to have his body react in a way he can’t control, and he finds himself feeling more excited than usual to see Hitori.
They agree to meet up at a café not far from Hitori’s house, and when he arrives Hitori pulls him into an unexpected hug. Before releasing him Hitori presses a kiss into the side of his head, and Isa starts a little but Hitori is just laughing.
“Sorry! I was so worried, I just had to,” Hitori shrugs and waves his hands, but Isa finds that he can understand what the other is trying to say. It might be the first time he’s understood an emotion that wasn’t clearly stated to him. “Well that and, I was wondering, is this a date date?”
The question seems unusually childlike, and Isa has to blink, because his mind is still tired and that’s a lot to process.
“I mean it’s fine if it’s not,” Hitori continues, seemingly concerned that Isa isn’t answering, “I’m still happy just caring about you in any way, but I was thinking, when you said I didn’t feel like your brother, I felt the same way. You don’t feel like a brother, but you’re still important to me. I was just trying to figure out, exactly what it is I saw you as.”
“I care about you too,” Isa blurts out, the thought of never telling Ryuuji rushing to the forefront of his mind. The fear of losing Hitori is there, but there’s also elation at the thought that Hitori is so dedicated to him, and Isa distinctly wants to know that Hitori is all his. “You said you wanted to live for me right? So you’re mine?”
Hitori laughs, and nods.
“That’s one way of putting it. I’m yours, Isa,” he smiles, and Isa is being pulled in for another hug. “So…date date, then right?”
It’s childish, but Isa finds himself smiling and nodding anyway.
---
They start meeting outside of Friday nights more often after that, after they’re officially dating. Isa had never pictured himself as the type to date, and there are still times when he thinks the only reason he agreed is to make sure Hitori wouldn’t dream of walking out of his life. Losing someone he cared about wasn’t something Isa ever wanted to go through again.
This theory didn’t account for how much he reacted to the way Hitori treated him however, especially since Hitori became more affectionate. At first Hitori would always be sitting closer to Isa, pressing kisses into the side of his head or on his cheeks, or reaching down to grab Isa’s hand, and Isa would let him do as he pleased. Over time Isa began catching himself instinctively leaning in towards Hitori, placing impulsive kisses of his own, and squeezing Hitori’s hand back when he wasn’t paying attention.
Their dates, as Hitori called them, also became more enjoyable to Isa. He wasn’t very interested in going to the movies, but he enjoyed making comments that would make only Hitori laugh, or leaning over to kiss Hitori in the theatre. He also enjoyed treating the other to dinner, even if they went to a place Hitori had recommended or brought them to.
At times it was still confusing for Isa to fully grasp everything he was feeling, and harder still to articulate it, but he realized whatever Hitori felt for him had to be mutual. Even if he couldn’t show it or feel it the same way, what they felt was the same.
It’s on a day when they’re not going out anywhere that Hitori sits next to Isa and leans in for a quick peck on the cheek, but Isa isn’t satisfied with that and pulls him back in for a kiss on the lips. As he’s pulling back, out of breath, Isa slips “I love you” out, and there’s a heartbeat when he doesn’t yet realize it, but Hitori is smiling while Isa’s eyes are widening. He couldn’t have actually said that, he hadn’t planned it, and something like that…
“I love you too,” Hitori says, and presses his forehead against Isa’s, closing his eyes and smiling. The full emotional impact washes over Isa, it’s so much to take in, yet he feels like what he said was right. He loves Hitori, and instead of feeling terrified for the first time he can accept the emotion as it is and feel happy about it.
---
(Bonus scene)
Eventually Isa convinces Hitori to move in with him, seeing as there’s no point for them not to be living together when they both spend most of their free time together. Hitori was hesistant to leave the house he’d lived in with Nageki, but was easily persuaded nonetheless.
Of course that brought upon some unforeseen consequences, seeing as currently Kazuaki was over to be tutored by Hitori. Isa had never shaken the feeling of annoyance (jealousy, Hitori had explained to him one day) towards Kazuaki, and liked him even less for almost taking Hitori from him. It seemed at least like Kazuaki was scared of him; although it was hard to tell if it was because Kazuaki was scared of everything or because Isa was lurking behind the two of them and glaring daggers at him.
Hitori had been over it before with Isa that he was just tutoring Kazuaki, that he was always Isa’s and Isa’s alone, but it never stopped Isa from pouting when Hitori wasn’t paying attention to him. As Hitori finishes the tutoring up he turns and catches the way Isa is looking at Kazuaki, and a smile comes over his face.
“C’mere,” he gestures at Isa, and still looking displeased Isa saunters over to Hitori who immediately reaches up to pull him in for a kiss. “I’m yours,” he whispers, and gives Isa another short kiss.
Isa is almost forced into smiling, but Kazuaki interrupts the moment.
“Ahhhh…I’m never going to find anyone who cares about me like that Uzuneee…” he sniffs. Hitori is pulling his hands away from Isa and rolling his eyes, but still smiling.
“Oh geez, Kazuaki, don’t talk like that,” he says. Isa has returned to glaring at Kazuaki, and Hitori can only shake his head at the both of them. Once Kazuaki returns home he pulls Isa into a passionate kiss, “I’m yours okay? You don’t ever need to be jealous.”
“He’s still annoying…”
“Isa!”
“Fine, but you’re mine.”
“I am. I love you, Isa.”
“…I love you too.”