Archive of Our Own ^beta

The chatter of coworkers and laughter of superiors couldn’t drown out the static in Chikage’s head. The clatter of dress shoes and high heels weren’t loud enough to dissipate the heavy fog that clouded his mind. As annoying as they sounded, (and how much they painfully reminded him of the past) not even the high pitched squeals from women fawning over the men in suits and slicked hair managed to distract him from the thoughts that lingered in him.

It was like a sore thorn sticking in his side. Chikage couldn’t ignore it even if he wanted to. If he dared to move even slightly, the thorn would puncture him. He was too scared to approach his thoughts, his feelings, especially right now. Oh, no. Now definitely wasn’t the time to be struck with sudden memories of the distant past. He has long since acknowledged the fact that it’s a reality he will never be able to go back to, but he hasn’t accepted it just yet.

The grand room he stood in did nothing to help ease his thoughts. He figured that it was because he’s been to many, many places like this and it’s gotten to the point where everything looks the same to him. The same, flashy and large chandelier that was hung above everyone, the endless tables filled with food Chikage already pretended to enjoy time and time again in the past, and even the small orchestra’s music all seemed generic to Chikage. Everything about tonight felt like a repeat of past parties he’s been to, and unfortunately, his mind was stuck on repeat as well.

Chikage heard someone call him by his last name, and he remembered where he was and who he was supposed to be. Right, he was at a company party. It’s rather large, when compared to the ones that happen every few months. They booked a party venue somewhere near a forest, and by the looks of it, no one wanted to take a view of the outside. The banquet hall was packed with familiar faces Chikage never bothered to get to know better and people he definitely does not recognize. It wasn’t like he cared about knowing all of his coworkers.

“Utsuki! How about joining us for a drink?” There was a group, and one of his boss’s associates called for him from a table littered with champagne and brandy. The smell was strong, and it made Chikage feel repulsed. It smelled like greed and misery, but it’s not like he wasn’t wearing that scent himself.

As much as Chikage didn’t want to drink tonight— he’d rather be left alone, really— he realized that he should be socializing. “Socializing.” Idly mingling with coworkers to continue giving off the illusion that he cares about being here and show his indebted loyalty to the company, or something. And, well, it might as well serve as a simple distraction, even for a little while.

Chikage put on his best businessman smile and went right on over to his coworkers. If it helped, he thought of this as some kind of etude practice. Pretending to be someone he’s not. Then again, he’s been doing this for quite a long time. He’s gone through long years of deception and imitation. He was quite the master of putting on masks, but there was something different about it if he thought about home. Thinking about acting at home gave him a little more energy to go out through the day and pretend. Even if he pretended and acted for his own sake, it was always the thought of home that gave him more reason to do it.

He found himself wanting to go home.

The night wore on, and Chikage found himself barely listening to loud chatter and wine glasses clinking. He stared at his own glass, seeing it still as full as it was when his boss drunkenly poured liquor into it. Not even he could push himself to drink to fit his friendly, sociable image. It wasn’t like there was someone that noticed something wrong though, so he was probably still in the green light. As long as he remembered to laugh when everyone else did and nod and turn his head and smile to whoever was talking to him, then it was all fine.

It was fine, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t afford to be this distracted. It was a hazard. It was a hazard to everything. Someone could point it out. Then he would have to excuse himself. Then they would know that something was wrong. There wasn’t anything catastrophically bad to be in store if his coworkers found out that his head wasn’t in the game, but Chikage would rather not have his open feelings poked at with a stick.

He mentally sighed. Keep yourself focused, he told himself, but what was there to focus on? Chikage was not a child, he could do things even if he didn’t want to do them, (he’s the expert of doing that) but he knew that he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t feel like mucking about. Forcing smiles was harder when his mind was vulnerable like this, but this wasn’t supposed to be about him at all.

There’s no point in fighting when you have status ailments, a distant voice said in his head with a smile. Oh. So now he was thinking of Chigasaki. His mind really must be going places. If everything wasn’t a muddled mess, he would be thinking more about him in the back of his mind.

One of his coworkers must have said a joke, because everyone was laughing. Chikage forced himself to chuckle softly with the crowd. For good measure, he faked a sip from his glass. His arm felt heavy and tired. He felt heavy and tired.

Chikage tried to distance himself from his mind, but he wanted to distance himself from reality as well. It wasn’t exactly an easy task. If he tried to get away from the eyes of his bosses and coworkers, maybe he could find an escape from the stubborn sadness that threatened to breach his mask. That was something thinking about home can’t make light of. It has simply become a chore at this point; hiding his feelings and playing the dangerous game of seeing how long it’ll take before he breaks. To be fair, this charade had been going on for way longer than anything else in his entire life. He was used to it.

Everyone laughed again, and Chikage found himself laughing audibly. He realizes that he’s laughing at himself. The desire to get away and hide became more and more apparent as he wasted time. He wasn’t even wasting any time. Or was he? He could have been doing better things than this, really. He could have been finding a restaurant to go to for his next blog about curry. He could have been catching up on his reading, because work has been taking a lot of his time recently. He could have been at home, listening to loud conversations and giggles he actually wants to hear—

—or he could be updating status logs. Contacting his subordinates. Telling them what the next move should be, because they definitely should not be idle. Find more evidence. Get enough dirt for blackmail. Prepare for interrogating. Do all the other things that he really should have been doing before he stumbled upon Mankai and this stupid party. Suddenly, Chikage didn’t feel like standing about anymore.

As much as he wanted to move, there was that thing in his mind, the thought that kept him still in fear. It really shouldn’t be affecting him, given that it was in his mind all the time, but everything was unbearably heavy right now. It shouldn’t be, but it was. He shouldn’t be struggling to come into terms with the glaring fact that he doesn’t deserve anything he has now, and that he should just push it all away, but he was. It was a hazard, and it was this hazard that will lead to catastrophically bad things. However, he couldn’t find himself running away. He couldn’t even get away from the pointless chatter he got himself into. How was he supposed to bring himself to run away from the home that accepted him? He had already been way too selfish.

Chikage felt his cheeks getting sore. He brought his wine glass to his mouth, and took an actual sip from his drink. Alcohol always tasted the same to him, no matter how aged or how expensive, so the taste wasn’t anything mind blowing to him. He could tell that it was expensive, given by how grand the bottles look on the banquet table. Otherwise, it’s just bland liquor. Nothing important.

He wished he could say the same about everything else.

Time passed, time was wasted, and Chikage felt like he finally had the courage to tap out. He’d done enough fake listening, enough disinterested nodding, and enough sickening laughs for everyone to know that he existed here. Maybe he just wanted to be alone so he could finally get his brooding over and done with. The sooner he dealt with whatever was plaguing his beaten heart, the sooner he could go back to pretending, just like normal. Like the usual, distant Chikage that doesn’t have a hard time ignoring his emotions.

Looking at his “companions,” he took out his phone and said that he had to make a phone call. Something about a certain someone wanting updates from him. It roused a few irritating “oohs” and more laughs from the group. Well, at least he knew that it was convincing. He got a few pats on the back from his higher ups, and they tell him to keep up the good work and have a good night.

Oh, if only.

On his way out, Chikage threw away the rest of his drink outside a window. Hopefully that didn’t douse anyone unfortunate enough to be standing directly under the alcoholic rain, but as if he cared about that. He left his glass on a table and made his way outside. When he went out, he learned that his suspicions were correct. Thankfully, there wasn't a lot of people standing around. Of course. Bright lights attract moths, and the extravagant banquet hall was where everyone was. Even if there were a few people outside, they were all distracted by something. They were all too busy chatting and taking photos of the sky. Before anyone caught sight of him, Chikage made a beeline to the back of the building.

It was a bit suspicious to be at a forest when there was a large company party just a walk away, but it wasn’t Chikage’s fault that this was the venue. The building where the party took place was situated near a forest, and there weren’t any rules stating that they weren’t allowed to loiter around. It wasn't as if he was intending to get caught in the first place anyway. It wasn’t a thick forest, either. They were still pretty close to modernization, so he wasn’t going to be in pure wilderness.

Chikage walked through the forest. If he trudged through the pine trees far enough, he might be able to get away from all the noise. Though, after that, what was next? What was he supposed to do? He’d finally get the peace and solitude he so much desired, but what came after? It wasn’t like he was coming out all this way to relax, because he shouldn’t be relaxing. Regardless, he kept on walking. Maybe he would find his answer if he walked far away enough.

It was too dark to actually take note of anything special, and it wasn’t really needed either. When Chikage wasn’t trying to get away from a party he didn’t want to be at, he would try to find suitable hiding places and landmarks to keep in his mind. He would crouch low and dash from tree to tree, and bramble to bramble, all while taking care to not slip up with his experienced steps. He’d imagine that it would be a solitary mission. Luckily, for Chikage, he didn’t have to do any of that for now. He didn’t have to do anything to make himself even more pained.

For some reason, the trees started to look less dense the further away Chikage strayed. Curious, or perhaps finding a distraction, he got closer. After going through the greenery and making sure to step over large roots, he found a large area cleared of trees. In the middle of it all was a large lake. It was a shame that the company didn’t find the time to look into the forest, but Chikage wasn’t complaining at all. The water was clear, and it reflected the light coming from the stars and moon into a refracted mess. That wasn’t to say that it wasn’t beautiful, however. This was the only mess that was beautiful.

The grass under Chikage’s shoes easily gave away under his weight. That was enough proof that this place wasn’t often visited. His soundless steps made the grass and plants sway as he passed by. Stopping a few meters before the lake, the man found his eyes focused on a certain spot.

It was a full moon on a cloudless night sky. The sky wore the moon and stars proudly tonight, and something about it made Chikage feel something inside of him. Suddenly, the metal ring on his left hand felt cold. He stood still as his dark, gray, pale eyes looked at the glowing, white, pale moon. He had looked at the moon many, many times in the past. A good chunk of them was spent reluctantly stargazing in a life he could never return to. The majority of the rest were resentful and lonely glares at the moon, as if it were to blame for all of the sufferings in Chikage’s life. After the lonesome period, he was always accompanied by someone at Mankai when he looked at it. He was surprised to say that a lot of time has passed since he looked at the moon alone.

His breaths started to slow down, and Chikage stood still, unmoving. The cold air of the spring night lingered around him as his eyes remained heavenward. Was he comforted? Were his thoughts still there? He didn’t know. If one thing was for certain, however, he was completely enamored by the sight. The moon had stolen his attention yet again. The stars twinkled as the moon shone radiantly. Maybe this wasn’t all that bad.

Sadly, his mind wasn’t at peace. His chest remained as heavy as ever, the dull weight of it holding him still. It was like being weighed down by large chains. Chikage wanted to stay where he was for as long as he could, unmoving, looking at the moon. If he remained where he was, maybe the world could just forget about him and keep on turning. The world definitely didn’t wait for anything. He was then bitterly reminded of how fast everything kept on spinning, not daring to spare a single moment for him to take it all in. The world definitely kept on turning that night, but to him, it was like everything stopped.

Whatever lonely solace he found in the moon was now gone. He started giving in to his thoughts, and they showed no mercy. Again and again, he had always convinced himself that nothing he did was enough to atone for all that he had done. There was no longer anyone to cover for him if he did anything wrong. His sins were his and his alone to bear on his back. If he ever so dared think about being selfish, he might just lose everything again, and he would certainly know that it was his fault. He didn’t want to have his home taken away from him a second time.

The thing was, he didn’t want to lose himself again either. It was this kind of selfish thinking that will lead all that he cares about to ruin, but this was what saved him when he needed it the most. Chikage was just scared. So very, terribly scared . This wasn’t the first time he found himself frozen stiff in fear for what’s to come, only to be forced to keep on moving. More often than not, it was time that harshly pushed him on because the world wasn’t going to wait for his mind to reach stability.

Now wasn’t an exception. Time waited for no one. Chikage turned his head around behind him when he started to hear rustling among the trees. His blood instinctively turned cold, and he could feel adrenaline coursing through his veins. The serenity of the moon vanished from his sight, and his eyes began darting from one side to another in caution. The lazy spring air turned into a harsh winter storm, with the cold air prickling Chikage’s skin. This feeling… everything about this was all too familiar. The feeling of turning stone cold whenever there was a single hint of danger around. If lying was his first nature, turning defensive was his second.

For a while, nothing came out of the thickets. Nothing swooping down from the trees or scurrying around in the grass. There was no sign of movement other than the sound, but Chikage wasn’t taking his chances. Slowly and silently, he inched closer to the trees, not noticing how his feet left an imprint on the years-old grass. He was already ready for what was to come. He immediately came to a halt when he heard more rustling.

....And a sigh?

Chikage squinted into the shadows (curse his blasted eyesight) as he heard more rustling. He blinked once, and once he opened his eyes again, someone materialized out of the trees. Well, “materialized” was too glorified.

Chigasaki stumbled awkwardly into view with a short gasp, looking like he tripped on something. There was a silent swear under his breath, one that Chikage knew what shape his lips would make when he said it, accompanied with his signature scowl. He was fumbling with something on his foot— he looked absolutely ridiculous, not as if he didn’t look stupid all the time— and then he spared a surprised look at Chikage when he heard him take a sharp breath.

“Ah— hey, senpai.” That has got to be one of the most unenthusiastic greetings ever, but it was typical Chigasaki. Same dead voice that chippers up when he’s either talking to a coworker or talking about games. That being said, it was like he expected Chikage to be standing alone in the middle of nowhere at this kind of time.

“What are you doing here?” Apparently, Chikage had to ask first, since Chigasaki must be so used to him disappearing and showing up in the most random of places. Someone who strives simply for convenience shouldn’t be wandering around someplace like this— especially when there was a building with proper internet service in the opposite direction.

“I was just bored of the party, so I came out here.” Chigasaki dusted his pants, noticing how there were leaves stuck to it. His dress shoes didn’t look too good either, seeing as they were covered in dirt. Upon further inspection, his suit jacket was a bit wrinkled around the sides too.

“Did you choose to get away from the party or get lugged around in a forest? You’re a mess.” Chikage moved closer to Chigasaki, smoothing out his suit for him. He knew he was still tense. It really wasn’t like him to be all touchy, but he had to use the wave of adrenaline he got from his instincts. He tried to ignore the way his hands slightly trembled as he patted Chigasaki’s shoulders.

“Hey, it’s not like I could have seen that giant root that made me trip. It’s dark.” Chigasaki shrugged as he pulled out a packet of wipes from his pocket. He proceeded to wipe the dirt away from his shoes. It was convenient, how prepared he was for this, but he probably kept those wipes just in case he had to shake any sweaty hands tonight. Chikage would know, the man would always complain about it whenever they got ready for mandatory company meetings.

“Which is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be here. You can’t walk properly to save your life.” Chikage sighed and let his hands fall to his sides. They were still light and shaky, ready to go into action in an instant. He wished in the back of his mind that he wouldn't do anything, but he didn’t trust himself.

“Then why are you here?”

“Same reason as you,” he lied without missing a beat. There was no need to tell Chigasaki the truth. He didn't need to know. He couldn't know.

Chigasaki neatly folded the used wipes so that the clean, unused side was on the outer parts and tucked it away in his pants pocket. “I didn’t take you as the type to take a hike when you get bored. Pretty sure you would have spiked all the drinks with something to make everyone sick the next day so that work can get cancelled.”

“If you think this isn’t like me, you willingly walked away from a source of internet service to go out in nature. I’m starting to think that you ate something bad.” Ah, the usual banter. It was hard to tell that they were actually together when they talk like this all the time. Then again, it was really hard to tell that they were together. They would usually hide a lot of things from the public eye, and they even keep quiet about it to Mankai. It was probably things about their mutual, unspoken paranoia, or something like that.

“Did you really think that I’d openly play my games at the company party? And it’s not like I can just retreat to the bathroom either. The women have their eyes on me.” Chigasaki shuddered. Chikage also noticed that he got a bit closer to him.

“Such a shame, for Chigasaki Itaru to avoid the one thing men fantasize over.”

“As if you can say much yourself,” he snickered.

The two fell silent, and Chikage didn’t really know what to do or say. This was also the usual between the two of them. It was by chance that his partner was just as socially inept as him, so neither of them really minded their sudden silences. They both understood how hard it was to talk, so they didn't really push it. Things would get a lot more awkward if they forced conversation. It wasn’t anything out of place. They were all natural, and the quiet space only meant that they could relish their company together without having to say a word.

However, it didn’t feel natural now. The usual “okay” feeling that came with these silences wasn’t there. To Chikage, it felt very strained. It could just be him. He hoped it was just him. If he tried to say anything, however, his words might come out desperate and sad, and that was the last thing he wanted. The last thing he wanted to hear from Chigasaki tonight was pity.

Chigasaki turned his head towards the lake in front of them, and then he raised his eyes to the moon. Chikage could see in the corners of his sight of how the light reflected in them.

“Moon’s really pretty tonight, huh.”

“...Yeah,” Chikage said more weakly than he intended to.

He didn’t have to look at the moon alone now, but there wasn’t anything comforting about it. It was all still the same. He was still gazing at it with hidden melancholy, wishing for something that can never come back— sparing silent prayers for a reality that he can never attain. It wasn’t anything different from when it was with the two of them back then, and it wasn’t anything different now with Chigasaki.

“You know, they said that there was going to be a big dance in the main hall. Something to loosen everyone up, apparently,” Chigasaki said.

“Then it’s a good thing you left. You wouldn’t have wanted your image to be ruined by your inane body movements.” The man beside Chikage was nowhere near dense when it came to noticing when something was up. It was almost frightening, how he could be so on the mark with his suspicions and inferences. He was definitely smart. He knew how to read the air and was very cunning. Not as sly as the actual spy, but he held levels of cleverness that even Chikage had to be impressed at.

With that said, the relief that came when Chigasaki decided not to pry into Chikage’s feelings was immense. He was good at diverting the topic and being a good distraction. Even if he wasn’t being distracting, he always knew how to act and what to say in the right moments. There was no way he didn’t notice how weird Chikage was acting, even in his small movements and little words. This man secretly had a sharp eye for details, and yet he chose not to address whatever problem there was. Chikage was thankful his sharp wits came with sensitivity too.

Chigasaki laughed with a hint of nervousness that couldn’t be ignored. Chikage raised an eyebrow as he looked at him.

He wished he hadn’t (not really), because he set his eyes on a sight he could say he’d trade the moon for— or something cheesy like that. He isn’t the best at poetic metaphors. Chikage was called unromantic for a reason.

Chigasaki, the fool who had almost fallen to the ground because of things he could have perfectly stepped over, looked amazing under the natural and subtle glow of the night. Chikage caught him in the perfect moment, right where he was gazing far off into the lake in deep thought. The crimson in his eyes were highlighted by the light coming from the moon. His ginger hair looked soft, just like always. His profile was highly noticeable, and his pale, clear skin was bathed in the moon’s ethereal glow. This was probably the only time where Chikage could catch Chigasaki like this, looking so… hauntingly beautiful.

It was really unfair. It was unfair how much he wanted to push everything away, and how he would always be given so many reasons to stay and see it all to the end. He would end up getting roped into dreaming that maybe all the pain would be worth it, and that the prospects of the future he longed for so desperately would come closer to being real. Then he was reminded of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be indulging himself and playing around with the concept of living a normal life. He didn’t deserve a warm home that accepted him, and a boyfriend that was just as accepting and patient with him. Not when all he thinks about is how long it would take until this family he received would eventually be ripped out of his life without any warning, just like how it all happened before.

He thought about looking away, about suppressing all of his thoughts, when Chigasaki turned his head to him. Everything about him was highlighted under the shadows and light of nature. Chikage would be telling himself to ignore his quickened pulse if he wasn’t such an emotional mess tonight.

“Do you think the moon gets tired of being up there?”

It was such a silly, child-like question. Something innocent sounding, and it could probably sound even more innocent if it didn’t come out of Chigasaki’s mouth. Chikage blinks at him, not understanding where he was suddenly coming from.

“What?”

“I asked if you think that the moon gets tired.” Chigasaki looked back at the sky, his eyes steadily focused. “I get that it’s a huge chunk of rock orbiting around another huge chunk of rock in space, but it’s always there in the night, providing light. I don’t know about you, but working a day job is tiring as hell. Both of us know that.”

“Did you just compare your job to the moon?” Chikage didn’t know whether to make fun of Chigasaki or listen to him more. On one hand, the entire topic sounded ridiculous, but on the other, this could get his mind off of things. It was something ridiculous to counter something equally laughable. He trailed off in silence, and Chigasaki took that as his cue to keep on talking.

“I mean, just think about it. The moon is doing the sun’s job when it clocks out. It doesn’t have its own light, but it still manages to provide a glow for us when it’s dark. The moon’s definitely trying, but don’t you think that it’s exhausting?” Chigasaki went into deep thought again.

Chikage turned his gaze back to the moon. It was an inanimate thing, and there were discovered reasons as to why it gives light at night. Those are reasons that have been explored in logical ways and deduced as scientifically true. There was really no point in perceiving an object with feelings and emotion. An object exists and does things either because it was in its nature or man manipulated it to do so. That was the end of the entire thing. The moon may capture Chikage’s attention time and time again, but it was only an object. It was nothing to get so worked up about.

“What are you thinking, senpai?” Chikage noticed that Chigasaki was looking at him. “You look like you want to say something.”

“The moon can’t feel, you know. I don’t see the point of trying to relate something without sentience to human behavior, quite frankly. Then again, you would do something like this. You’re always stuck in fantasy.”

Chigasaki sighed softly. “Unromantic just like always, I see.” What did being romantic have to do with this? “Let’s relate this to human nature then.” He paused to think for a brief moment. “Don’t you think it’s tiring, doing the same thing over and over again to no end?”

Of course it was. Chikage knew that it was a fact more than anything. The fatigue of functioning like clockwork, the feeling of being tired becoming mundane, it was all things that Chikage was used to. He nodded in response.

“Let’s go back to the moon. I like to think that celestial bodies need rest too, you know. The sun and moon shifts in cycles, giving us light. And the moon wanes too, doesn’t it? Call it childish thinking, but I believe that it takes breaks from time to time.”

Silence settled between the two men. Perhaps Chigasaki did have a point to all of this, but why discuss something like this?

Chigasaki took in a breath. “With that being said, shouldn’t humans take breaks too? It’s in our nature to get worn out. If you think that the moon is just an object, then you can’t say the same for us.” His gaze felt steady and firm, but Chikage pretended to not notice. “There isn’t anything wrong in feeling human, is there, senpai?”

“No, there isn’t.” Those words were ironic, coming from Chikage, the “least human” human ever. So, he was tired of being where he was, but he can’t do anything about it. Unlike the moon, he can’t just wane and then come back when he was finally ready to be in the cruel world again. The position that was mercilessly brought onto him didn’t allow that. He didn’t think that being weak was wrong, it was just that he wasn’t allowed to be human. He couldn’t feel weak because he couldn’t afford to. Time would keep on moving, so he had to move along with it. His broken state didn’t matter as long as he managed to keep on doing what he had to.

…Or maybe that was just what he ended up thinking after years and years of unresolved, unfortunate circumstances piling over each other.

“Then it’s okay for you to be human too.” Those words were surprising to hear.

Chikage looked at the man beside him, only to be met with a soft smile. The shambles that replaced what was supposed to be a beating heart ached. It was so easy for Chigasaki to say that. Of course it was okay to have limits, but Chikage couldn’t afford to have any for so many complicated reasons. There were so many things he didn’t deserve and things he can’t allow himself to have because of how twisted he is.

Was he even human? Did he deserve to consider himself as one? If he wasn’t human, then what was he?

It was clear that Chikage didn’t know what to say. Chigasaki reached for the other’s cold and numb hand. It was a clear contrast from the warmth coming from him. He was warm, and Chikage was cold. He was someone deserving of so much more while Chikage was being selfish, despite all the warnings he gave himself. Chikage was stubbornly selfish, and  then there he was: far too deep and invested in the people that believed that he was a good person when he can’t even believe in himself.

“I think we both know the real reason why we came here,” Chigasaki quietly said.

No other response. Chikage realized that his eyes were cast to the ground. It was a telltale sign that Chigasaki had hit something with his words. There was a distant panicked thought in his brain, telling him to react, to do something, to hide his ugly feelings. However, he said nothing as his mind started to feel numb. Chikage felt numb. He felt a squeeze around his hand.

“We’re alright.” Chigasaki moved a bit closer to Chikage. Their arms were touching. “We’re both human, and it may suck, but it’s alright.”

Chikage wished that his boyfriend wasn’t so honest and willingly vulnerable with his emotions when he actually needed to be. It just made it harder for him to ignore his thoughts as much as he could. It was the reason why he came here, after all. As clumsy and child-minded Chigasaki always appeared to be, he always knew what to say when he needed to be serious. It was unfair. The both of them knew how unwilling they were to be so exposed, but here was Chigasaki, pouring out his heart for someone that didn’t even have one. It was unfair to the both of them. Chikage didn’t need this much thought and care put into him. He didn’t want it, but… maybe he needed it.

Chikage found himself slowly interlocking his fingers into Chigasaki’s, holding on tightly to his hand. It wasn’t the same as being verbally open about his feelings, but it was physical proof that he needed this.

Chigasaki rested his head on Chikage’s shoulder. It was starting to feel warm. “We’re alright,” he whispered again. “You deserve to be human more than anything.”

…Chikage acknowledged to himself that he really needed to hear that. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on Chigasaki’s. He took a deep breath in, then exhaled. He felt the fresh forest air fill his lungs and leave his chest. He felt the weak and cool spring breeze that brushed through his hair. He felt Chigasaki breathe, and then he felt himself breathing again. For every breath of air he took, it was him living. For every second he stayed like this, it was him being human.

Chikage was human. Nothing else but a human in need of comfort.

He couldn't bring resolution to all of his internal issues all at once, although he wished that he could. He wished that he could just tell Chigasaki everything that had been on his mind for the entire night, and probably his entire life, but nothing comes easy. It wasn’t like he didn’t trust his partner, but deep inside, he knew that he wasn’t fully ready to show who he really was. Chikage had to be patient, and he hoped that Chigasaki still had a lot of patience in store for him. There was a heart somewhere inside of him… somewhere. It was just broken and too afraid to come out, but tonight, there was a small sign of life inside of him. Just that was enough.

“We’re alright,” Chikage eventually replied, finally finding his voice returned to him.

He heard Chigasaki smile rather than see it. He heard a breath of relief, followed by a reassured hum. There must have been some anxiety in him. “Good.” It was a subtly happy response.

Chikage opened his eyes, and saw the lake stretched out in front of him, along with the full moon in view. The trees surrounding them stood still in silence, and it felt like they were giving an unspoken oath to keep the two’s feelings a secret from the world. (Did Chigasaki’s personification of the moon rub off on him…?) The moon stayed in the sky’s position zero, and the stars highlighted just how bright it really was. Seeing the sky in nature was refreshing, especially with a clearer mind now. Chikage felt himself breathe again, and this time his inhales were longer and more relaxed.

He was alright.

“We should head back,” Chikage said, now fully recollected. He felt his lips tug into a small, genuine smile. He turned around to start walking back to the party, but Chigasaki’s hand tightened around Chikage’s, making him stop in his tracks.

“Wait.” Chigasaki’s hand was starting to feel cold.

“Is something wrong?” Was there still something that bothered him? Chikage couldn’t see Chigasaki’s face; he was still facing the lake.

“…The dance. It should have started some time ago.”

“And what about it? If you don’t want to be asked to humiliate yourself in front of dozens of women, you could always hide in the restrooms. I’ll make sure that we won’t get spotted. I don’t know how long we’ve been out here for, but someone’s bound to be looking for us. Unfortunately, we’re rather popular faces in the company.” Despite his words, Chikage still couldn’t get Chigasaki to budge. Before he started thinking about the limitless implications of his actions, the man spoke up, and Chikage swore that his blood could have frozen over right then and there.

“I was thinking if you wanted to dance.” There was no one else around, so those words undoubtedly belonged to Chigasaki. The meek, embarrassed voice, without a second thought, was Chigasaki. This was what he sounded like whenever he was being teased to no end. However, there was no teasing in place here. If Chikage misheard what he said, then may as well get some damn hearing aids to complete his grandfather look. 

“Excuse me?” God, Chikage hated how floored he sounded. He cleared his throat, trying to ignore that Chigasaki’s hand was trembling. “You know we can’t dance there.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Chikage tilted his head. He should have probably figured all of this out by now, but can you blame the man? His thought processes were worked to the bone tonight.

In a (not-so) brilliant sway, Chigasaki faced the other, his eyes staring daggers into the ground. His face was noticeably red, and it would probably look a lot brighter if it wasn’t dark. “I want us to dance. Here.” He was visibly trying not to stammer.

...He was serious about this.

Chikage fell silent at the tense and nervous offer. Then he started to chuckle softly, only for it to progress into full laughter.

“Hey! What are you laughing for?” Chigasaki was now obviously embarrassed, groaning loudly at Chikage’s laughs.

“God, Chigasaki—” he tried to speak mid laughter— “I knew you were two-faced, but now this is just too much.”

“What the hell do you mean by that!?” The flustered mess was probably trying to sound mad to stop Chikage from teasing him, but his hand was still in the other’s, gripping tightly.

He could really count on Chigasaki to cheer him up, huh. This man could do unexpected things in times it was really needed. It was so terribly unfair, how he could provide a comforting solace for Chikage’s long-winded inner turmoil and then surprise him with a blush on his cheeks right after. If he considered his senpai as a cheat character, then what would Chikage call the move he made just now? The reason why he was laughing so much was because of how the mood changed so drastically— from five minutes ago to now. Chigasaki could try to make himself as cool and mature as he possibly can, but deep inside, he was awkward with his words and even more awkward with his actions.

Despite all that, Chikage loved every bit of him, just like how Chigasaki loved everything about Chikage. All the imperfections and brokenness, every jagged part of him was loved and accepted. 

“You call me unromantic to no end, but this is how you ask me to dance with you?” Chikage’s laughter finally died down, and he was grinning. He was starting to feel more and more human. He felt alive .

“Then how would you have done it?” Chigasaki was trying to frown, but there was no mistaking the crooked smile on his face. There was no missing that he was happy in this moment. Even if he was being teased, he was, without a doubt, happy.

Chikage’s wide grin turned into a small smirk, and he raised Chigasaki’s hand to his lips. The cheerful, laughing voice he had just moments ago was now low and soft. “Well, I would do something like...”

He kissed his lover’s knuckles, rousing a surprised noise from Chigasaki. His eyelashes fluttered downwards, and his usually dark, gray and dull eyes were full of light as he looked directly at the other, gaze soft yet firm. Once again, the entire mood of the situation shifted. The two may be actors, and they may have practiced shifting through countless scenes and emotions on a whim, but life usually didn’t offer a lot of circumstances where one would be on the brink of breaking, then laughing, then showing a display of affection in one go. Despite that, this whole night, this entire thing… was natural. Everything about this was flowing smoothly, like a well-thought play unfolding in front of the audience’s eyes. Instead of a real audience, they had the moon watching over them tonight. Maybe Chigasaki’s talk earlier did rub off on Chikage, because he felt that the moon was smiling at them, giving its rays as their spotlight. Or maybe it was because he, too, was happy.

“Would you like to dance with me, Itaru?”

Chigasaki, who looked like he had already properly composed himself, was blushing yet again. He closed his eyes, his pretty, pretty eyes, and took a deep breath. Chikage just wanted to kiss him right then and there. After exhaling everything out, Chigasaki was finally calm again, and he gave a smile that Chikage would want to keep in his memory forever. The genuine softness in his smile, the unmissable joy and tenderness in his bright eyes, and most importantly of all, the warmth of the love in his voice when he spoke…

“I would love to, Chikage.”

Honestly, they chose a really crappy place to have their first slow dance in. It may look nice and romantic to common lovestruck fools (as if the two dancing here weren’t lovestruck fools themselves), the overgrown grass and plants would get in the way occasionally, and that wasn’t even including Chikage’s dance partner. Chigasaki really wasn’t exaggerating when he said that he couldn’t do anything other than mash controller buttons and type on keyboards. After the entire display of asking to be danced, he instantly didn’t know what to do. Chikage got closer, but Chigasaki would shift their positions whenever he tried to put his hands somewhere. When they finally settled on where to hold each other— Chikage’s hands on both sides of Chigasaki’s waist, and the other’s hands resting on Chikage’s shoulders— the problem then shifted to how they were actually going to move.

Chikage was an experienced dancer, so he knew what to do. He started moving without any warning, and Chigasaki shot him a glare before he ended up tripping on a rock. They didn’t have music to dance along to, but it didn’t really matter. It wasn't as if Chikage cared, and it wouldn’t make Chigasaki a better dancer either way (but it would make him complain about how incredibly unromantic the setting was). Chikage noticed his partner awkwardly trying to follow along, since his feet ended up getting constantly stepped on. So much for keeping his shoes clean. They were probably a sight that could make any onlooker’s eyes go sore. Luckily for them, there weren’t any. There was no need to be embarrassed, but Chigasaki clearly was.

“Ah, crap, sorry…” Chigasaki said after having stepped on Chikage’s toes for the eighth time tonight.

Chikage wasn’t bothered though. He gave an amused chuckle. “We really should give you dance lessons.”

“There would be no need for me to dance if I keep on asking for roles that wouldn’t need me to.” As clumsy as his movements were, Chigasaki still looked refined. He was beautiful, no matter what. The same couldn’t be said about his moves, unfortunately.

“And that’s exactly why we should. You can’t keep on asking for the script to be adjusted to your liking, you know. Plus, it’d be good to learn more for the sake of theater, right?”

“You say that, but it’s not like I’ve seen you dance on stage at all. Didn’t you say that you had experience in kabuki dancing?”

Chikage smiled, and made them turn around. Chigasaki managed to follow that one with a decent flow in his steps. “Did I, now?”

“You definitely did. I’m gonna suggest a play about kabuki and have you as the lead actor.”

Another chuckle. “Oh? Good luck with that. If that happens, I’m going to rope you into it too.”

“Then good luck with that too, because it’s not gonna happen.”

“Shouldn’t you be saving that luck for your games?”

“Now, listen up—”

They ended up going at each other and talking for a while. Chigasaki said something along the lines of how Chikage should be fortunate that someone like him was being given luck from a gamer. Chikage refuted back with an easy tease, saying that someone like Chigasaki wouldn’t have any luck in the first place. The conversation started to shift into all the times Chigasaki considered that he had at least an ounce of good fortune in. A lot of the situations stated were about his games. About “scouting” and “ranking,” and a whole lot of other things that Chikage didn’t quite understand, and hopefully wouldn’t at all, but he humored the other regardless and kept on listening. Chigasaki did look happy, saying all these stories. It was refreshing, getting to see his boyfriend so excited and giddy about something. He thought that it was cute, but he would be struck down by lightning first before he genuinely says that out loud.

“Besides…” Chigasaki said, and then his voice trailed off.

The two were now slowly swaying, and Chikage raised a questioning eyebrow.

“We got to meet each other and become… this. Together.” Chigasaki looked away, but the bashfulness was evident on his face. “I think that’s the luckiest I’ve ever been.”

It was a horribly sappy and honest line, and one that definitely could have been left out, especially when the pair was mostly anything but sappy and honest, but… it wasn’t bad. This wasn’t bad at all. This night, this moment, this conversation, was more than Chikage could ever ask for in his life. He never expected that he would find love, hell, he never thought that he would feel a single drop of love at all, but here he was. He was in the arms of the person he loved the most, and receiving just as much love back.

Chikage snorted, and started to laugh again.

Chigasaki whined. “Why do you keep on laughing when I’m being serious about our feelings here? If this keeps up, then I’m going to be limiting our physical contact.” He frowned with a pout.

“Could you really handle doing that? It’s you that’s always clinging to me in every possible moment, you know.” Chikage had a playful grin. “Plus…” He pulled the other closer to him, and Chigasaki sounded like he was caught off-guard. “Should you really be saying that when you’re in my arms?”

Chigasaki balled his hands into fists on Chikage’s shoulders. “Unfair. Absolutely unfair. I can’t believe you would choose to do that here, out of all times.”

Chikage hummed in amusement. “I don’t hear you calling me unromantic though.”

Chigasaki was starting to look flustered again. He grumbled. “I will really soon if you won’t stop doing this. What kind of dance partner are you, making fun of me while we dance?”

“What kind of dance partner are you, stepping on my feet every nine seconds?”

“And here I thought we could have a romantic night for once.”

Romantic, huh…

“Then stay quiet, will you?” Chikage leaned in closer.

“Huh—”

Chikage leaned in, and kissed Chigasaki. The kiss was sudden, but it wasn’t unwelcome. It wasn’t shy, but rather it was tender and gentle. Chikage didn’t know that he could kiss with such softness, nor did he know that Chigasaki could kiss back just as softly.

He felt the other smiling against his lips, and it was at this moment that Chikage was firmly reminded as to why he was so determined to keep on pushing through with whatever misfortunes this life gave him. He wanted to keep on feeling this way, and feel so many other things with Chigasaki and the family he had found. This happiness he had just learned, this hopefulness that was slowly blooming within him, and the desire to keep on finding himself… He wanted to keep these feelings and let them grow stronger, because he knew that he deserved this.

Chikage pulled back, and he saw Chigasaki smiling at him warmly. It was as if they weren’t throwing teases at each other just earlier. He felt a smile forming on his own lips.

He wanted to keep on living, and to keep on being human.

This wasn’t some dance inside a ballroom with an astounding orchestra playing for them. They were in a dark forest, with crickets chirping and vague figures of fireflies around. They had nothing but the moon staring down at them. Neither of them were in extravagant suits, and Chikage had danced with better partners in better places in the past, and yet something about all of this was special. The way Chigasaki looked at him with kindness and love made Chikage want this night to last for as long as it could.

“Hey.”

“Mhm?”

“Thank you.”

“I’m just glad that you feel better.”

“…Me too.”

———

The car engine started up, and Chikage was scrolling through his phone. He was thinking of making a new review some time soon. It was right about time for a Chikausa update.

Chigasaki pulled the car out of parking, and they were moving out of the area the company reserved for the party.

When they came back from the forest, they were obviously missed by the eyes of the women. Fortunately enough, things didn’t escalate that far, because the president of the company called for everyone to gather for the closing words of the night. Talk about being saved. Chikage knew that the both of them were scrambling for reasons to explain their absence.

The car was moving smoothly. “God, I could actually use some food right now.”

“You haven’t eaten yet?” Chikage looked to the side, and watched Chigasaki drive.

“They had nothing but fish roe and alcohol on the table. What do you think?”

Chikage snickered. “I could find us a curry restaurant nearby.”

That made Chigasaki grimace. “Does it have to be curry? The director’s charge of dinner for the entire week because the university kids are still in exam season.”

“Really now?”

“Of course you wouldn’t notice. You’re a curry freak.”

“You shouldn’t say that to a connoisseur.”

“A what.” Chigasaki scoffed. I don’t think I’d use that to describe someone like you. At most, you’re a spice masochist.”

The said spice masochist chuckled. “So that’s how you would word it?” He looked back at his phone, and checked their location. “There should be a few restaurants around with curry and no fish roe in sight. How about that?”

“Ah, but I just spent majority of my salary on gems for…”

Of course. “Then it’s on me.”

Chigasaki looked at Chikage, eyes wide in surprise.

“Eyes on the road. I can’t believe I trust you this much with my life.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Chigasaki looked back to the front. They were on a highway now, and it was fairly empty. Not a lot of traffic at this hour. A quick look at the radio’s clock would tell you that it was currently 11 PM. “But you mean it? You know that I’m going to exploit this endlessly because I’m starving right now.”

“This wouldn’t be the first time you exploited my wallet when I decided to be kind to you.”

“Yosh! It’s a date then. Where are we headed?”

“I’ll tell you what I can find.”

The night wasn't going to end just yet.