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Max watches as the snow falls and starts to cover the street in a soft white blanket. She is cold but can’t quite bring herself to go inside just yet. She has found a quiet peace with her decision out here watching the city go by, a peace she fears she will lose when she goes back inside.
Philadelphia is solid, all harsh lines and immovable structures. Max always thought that after an early life of uncertainty she needed to find a solid foundation to build off. Now she has seen what solid costs, solid would mean fitting herself into a box, it’s a price she cannot pay.
“Fuck you doing out here?”
Despite the chill in the air and the cold words Max feels warmth spread through her at the sound of Annes voice. She had feared at one point that Anne would never speak to her again.
“It’s a fucking mess out here, come inside…”
Max tries not to smile to herself, perhaps Anne does still care.
“Or don’t, I don’t care.”
Just as quickly Anne has caught herself, she clearly isn’t ready for Max to know she might still care. That’s okay Max knows that regaining Annes trust will take time. Their relationship wasn’t broken overnight so it certainly can’t be fixed that quickly. Maybe “fix” is not the right word to use, they need to rebuild, start with a stronger foundation. She can start now with the truth, with letting Anne in on her thoughts. If nothing else she owes Anne her honesty. She speaks before Anne can turn to go back inside.
“It’s happened,” her gaze drifts to Annes huddled form, wrapped in a blanket to protect her from the night chill. “She has committed to the plan, to me.”
Max swallows as the enormity of what she has done washes over her.
“The moment we have been working towards since we arrived. It happened.”
She feels rather than sees Anne move closer. Annes voice is earnest but tinged with confusion when she speaks.
“That’s good news,” she states peering at Max. “So why do you look like that?”
Max steels herself, she knows that telling someone else what she has done will make it all the more real.
“I told her I could not agree to it.” She tells Anne softly
The confusion is evident in Anne’s response.
“You told her no?!”
Max looks down and steels herself for the explanation.
“She needs for there to be a man in the governor's office, not Jack. A man of her choosing, and she wants me to be his wife.”
“His wife?!”
The note of disgust and hurt is evident in Annes voice as she questions Max. The hurt gives Max hope that Anne still cares, that there might be something left to repair.
“In name only and for appearance's sake, nothing more. The power would rest with us.”
Anne is clearly reassured by the clarification that Max rushes to give. She needs to keep this conversation on track.
“Just for appearance? And you said no? Why would you do that?”
On the one hand Max is happy that she has reassured Anne, but on the other she is a little hurt that Anne would be okay with her entering into a marriage even for show. It’s now or never she needs to explain her position and make Anne understand how important she was in the decision she made.
Anne may not be ready to hear it yet but Max needs to say it.
“I remember when I first met Eleanor, how stunned I was. A woman who spoke the way she did, who had no fear of the world or the men who reigned over it. When I became her lover, I watched the decisions she made... and resolved to learn from them. When I became her rival, I watched the mistakes she made and resolved never to repeat them. But at the end, when I felt I had surpassed her in every way, it seemed as though there was something she was still trying to say to me. Surrendering everything she had sacrificed so dearly for, because it would have come at the expense of the one she loved. She was trying to tell me, I just could not hear her, about what is truly important.”
It’s a risk to bring up Eleanor, she knows Annes feelings regarding her ex-lover. A little part of Max likes to think that it may partially be fuelled by jealousy. Max knows she is no longer in love with Eleanor but she still cared for her and her death hurt. It’s an open wound and even if they can successfully get revenge on Woodes Rogers Max isn’t sure it will ever fully heal.
“I said no to Marion Guthrie's plan... despite having no alternative and at the risk of losing the entire endeavour because I refuse to situate a man in a position where he might interfere one day with my ability to repair things with you.”
Max pauses and against her better judgment looks over at Anne, her vision is blurred with tears. She feels exposed and she is about to plead her case. This is her chance to start the repair process.
“You are the bravest person I have ever known. The truest person I have ever known. And I betrayed you and it sickens me. I am so sorry for working so hard to protect the wrong things. For failing to see that there is nothing important that does not include you.”
Max has no more words, she has laid herself bare, tears rolling freely down her numb cheeks. She had thought that strength came from pushing down her emotions and walling herself off. Now sitting here on a bench in the snow she knows this is taking more courage than anything else she has ever done.
She knows it is selfish to hope for a response, Anne needs time and Max owes her that much and more. She sees Anne move and remains still, unwilling to break the spell and startle her. Anne extends her hand into the gap between them, not making eye contact with Max. It’s a small gesture but Max can’t help but let her heart soar with hope. She reaches out and gently takes Annes hand in hers.
Max doesn’t dare move any more than that, she doesn’t want this to end, she dare not even move to wipe her own tears. Let them freeze there on her cheek. She doesn’t know how long they sit there in peaceful silence but here on this hard bench in the cold is the most comfortable Max has felt in a long time.
She feels Anne start to shiver through their joined hands. Max feels guilty, how could she be so selfish, Anne is still healing she should not be out of bed, never mind out here in the cold. She has no choice but to break the spell.
“We should go inside, it’s freezing out here.”
Anne doesn’t answer she merely takes back her hand and pulls the blanket tighter around herself. She hunches in on herself and ducks her head as she stands unsteady on her feet. Max moves faster than she thought possible, muscles stiff from sitting still in the cold so long. She reaches out and steady’s Anne with a hand to her elbow. She is pleasantly surprised when Anne doesn’t shrug her off. Feeling emboldened she moves closer still and wraps her arm around the shivering woman. Anne still does not resist and allows Max to help her back inside.
Max helps Anne back into bed and gets her back under the heavy blanket. Reluctantly she turns away to see to the fire. She busies herself banking it and moving logs with the poker. She knows she is stalling for time, not ready to leave Anne yet. She hears Anne move in the bed behind her.
“I’m still fucking freezing.” Anne grumbles but their isn’t much bite in her voice.
“I can go and find you another blanket.”
In truth Max doesn’t know if there are any spares anywhere, but she will gladly give up hers to make Anne more comfortable.
“Or you could stay and help keep me warm…” Annes voice trails off.
Max looks over to see Anne head down glancing up through still bruised and swollen eyes. She looks vulnerable and uncomfortable. Max’s heart breaks, that Anne would doubt her desire to be close to her in anyway.
“Of course,” Max replies.
Before Anne can second guess herself she gets to work removing her dress. It’s times like this that she misses her old dresses that were so easy to remove. The last months have taught her that status and power come with restriction. Even going so far as to push her to wear clothing that is physically restricting. As she works her stays loose she looks over to the bed. Anne is openly watching her, Anne has always enjoyed watching her undress.
Max bites back a smile as she remembers lazy evenings back in her old room in Nassau. She could drive Anne mad with want just through the act of removing her clothes. She did wonder if Anne realised just how deliberate she always was with the show. Tonight was not a night for a show though. Tonight was not about want. Tonight was about comfort and healing.
Stripped down to her underclothes Max laid her dress over a chair, she took a moment to smooth it down. Her hands were shaking and she needed the extra time to steady herself. She shouldn’t feel this nervous, she knew nothing was going to happen. She couldn’t risk breaking this.
Taking a deep breath Max turned and walked over to the bed. Anne looked up and met her eyes, pulling back the blankets in invitation. Max climbed into the bed beside her, they had never been awkward and this felt awkward.
Anne adjusted herself turning on her side away from Max, she looked over her shoulder expectantly, and impatient look on her face.
“What you waiting for?”
Max settled herself on her side behind Anne not sure what was going to be acceptable. She didn’t want to push Anne too far. Anne looked over her shoulder impatiently, Max took the hint and shuffled closer putting her arm around her. The red head settled back into her embrace taking Max’s hand and pulling it to her chest.
Max buries her nose into into Annes hair inhaling the familiar scent. Annes breathing slows and she seems to drift off to sleep. There will be time for processing and questions in the morning but for now Max is content to hold Anne, their bodies fitting together as if they have never been apart. It might take a little while for their minds to catch up but for now this is enough. For the first time since they left Nassau the world feels soft again and Max feels warm.