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Gon laid on his side watching the small movements of Killua’s back. It was quiet but there was a peaceful sort of atmosphere. Though the evening was cold, colder even in the run down room they were staying in, Gon felt warm inside. He was happy, content. The most he’d been in a long time.
"Killua…what are you thinking about?"
It had been about a week since that “incident” happened but the changes Gon had been expected never happened. He couldn’t say he was disappointed though. Part of him was greatly relieved that some of his fears hadn’t been realized, that Killua hadn’t come to hate or reject him. He could laugh at himself now for ever thinking that. Killua would never react that way, but…he’d also expected Killua to at least have some questions or some sort of reaction to what had happened. All Gon got was nothing. Their relationship had stayed the same and Gon couldn’t decide if it had been for the best or not. If he should just drop the subject. Maybe Killua was giving him the chance to forget about it and they could both pretend it never happened. Maybe it shouldn’t have happened. Maybe, but having Killua so close to him yet not being able to touch and hold him like he’d like to reminded him that maybe he should try pushing forward again.
Killua shifted, pulling the tattered blanket closer to himself, his pale body covered in goosebumps. He was shivering, trying to tuck himself as much as he could. Gon moved closer to him resting on hand on his arm.
"Are you cold?"
Killua laughed. “What do you think? Aren’t you?”
"Hmm, a little but not too much. I’m used to it."
The shivering boy grunted mumbling “weirdo” under his breath and Gon laughed until his voice died out and the same peaceful silence from before settled once again. The quiet sound of cars passing by and the few creaks from the old motel room were all they could hear. Gon hadn’t moved his hand from Killua’s arm and Killua hadn’t said anything about it either. This was what had been happening for the past week. Gon moved forward while Killua stayed in place and though originally Gon thought that meant he’d be able to get closer to Killua he’d found out that Killua not changing nulled all his attempts.
"Killua…"
"Hmm?"
Getting closer to people was harder than Gon had ever thought. Yes he made a lot of friends and people tended to describe him as bright and friendly, someone who naturally attracted others, but out of all the people he’d befriended only a handful were close friends who knew and had seen him at his best and his worst. And out of that handful only Killua had lived through his highs and lows with him and only Killua had stayed to the end. Until there had been nothing more he could do but leave.
Gon felt the small pang of guilt tug at his heart. It was funny how, now that he realized, or rather, decided to pay more attention to his surroundings, to dedicate his attention to those he’d neglected, he could see just what sort of danger he’d been to the people dearest to him.
Killua felt the change in silence. Silence for Gon meant different things, the boy was rarely so still, so it was easy to tell with him, and they’d been together long enough for Killua to figure him out. Killua had tried hard to ignore the warmth on his arm. The way Gon was absentmindedly rubbing his thumb against him. He new he couldn’t run away from his affections forever and he wasn’t, really he wasn’t running (he didn’t think), it was just that he didn’t quite know how he was supposed to react to them. With a low shaky breath Killua gathered the little courage he had and turned to face his friend.
"Gon?"
Gon remained silent, lost in a sad thought probably judging by the furrow of his brow. Killua smoothed out the wrinkles between Gon’s eyes with his thumb startling the boy.
"Wh-what?"
Gon blinked, the first thing he noticed was how Killua’s gleaming eyes were now looking at him with mild concern. This time his heart fluttered before feeling the guilt of worrying Killua.
"What’s wrong? Do you feel sick?"
He shouldn’t, Gon hardly ever got sick and a little cold weather shouldn’t affect him so much. Killua kept rubbing until Gon laughed and took his hand in his making Killua go deadly still. Gon was doing it again, that affectionate thing. His touch was different from before. He wasn’t carelessly rough anymore but gentle, always gentle. He took Killua’s hand and nuzzled his face against it humming in satisfaction. Killua blushed feeling his heart rate quicken and panicking slightly feeling Gon’s thumb rubbing his wrist. He knew, he should be able to feel it, that rapid drumming of a confused heart.
Gon opened his eyes slowly. He smiled warmly, part of him understanding the tenseness of Killua’s body. The slightly pained expression on his face as though he trying hard to stay still. How he was probably fighting the urge to pull his hand back, to recoil from Gon’s touch, it was what would be normal of him. A normalcy he hadn’t asked for. Feeling daring Gon pressed his lips against the erratic pulse. That was enough, the string snapped and Killua jerked his hand away holding the “burned” hand close to his chest.
"Killua…"
Killua’s breath hitched at the sound of his name. He was confused and frightened. He hand’t meant to pull away so roughly. Gon’s hand must have stung, Killua could feel his own wrist burning up, the place where Gon’s lips had touched feeling almost painfully hot compared to the rest of his shivering body.
"Sorry." He mumbled quickly unable to look at Gon in the eye.
Gon went silent again not knowing what to say. He hadn’t meant to say anything. He was fine with Killua pulling back, he’d expected that, and it was better than nothing changing. It was not rejection, his reactions were different. Gon could feel what he hoped was Killua’s mutual desire to get closer to him. For something to change.
Closer.
Gon watched Killua tremble, his whole body a confused and contradicting mess that wasn’t sure what to do with itself.
Closer.
"Killua…can I come closer?"
The shaking stopped. Killua’s eyes widened slightly still focused on the folds of the bed. He remained still for a moment gathering his thoughts. Closer? They were barely an arm’s length apart. The bed was too small for either to be too far apart but even so Killua nodded and Gon shifted closer.
And Killua shifted back.
"Can I come closer?"
Killua nodded and Gon shifted closer. And Killua shifted back feeling the cold wall press against his skin.
"Can I come closer?"
Killua swallowed pressing himself as far back as he could, measuring the distance between their bodies, calculating how much more space he could grant. Gon started shifting again.
"I didn’t say you could."
Killua winced, embarrassed by how desperate his voice had sounded. This felt strange. This was wrong. He was wrong. Pulling back from Gon, keeping a distance. They’d been closer, slept tangled in each other before. It wasn’t anything odd but Gon wasn’t just asking for that. It wasn’t what he was asking at all. Gon was trying to break down a wall Killua had build the moment he’d realized his feelings. He knew what he felt and he’d tried his best to forget about it. He’d once dreamt of being close to Gon in that way, where their hearts would pull towards each other. But though Killua had gotten close to Gon, closer than anyone ever had, being allowed through gate after gate, even he had been stopped and denied entrance to the final chamber.
Now Gon was trying to do the same but it wasn’t fair. Killua didn’t have as many walls and barriers, they were all nothing when it came to Gon. They all crumbled away like dust at the mere sight of him. The only wall that held up was one not willingly build by him but forced upon him by his family. It was the strongest wall he himself had trouble overcoming and though for the most part he hated it he was also grateful for it, for it’s sturdiness. For being able to withstand Gon’s attacks.
Killua’s lips were trembling and Gon couldn’t tell if it was because of the cold or because of him. He disliked seeing Killua so vulnerable and he hated having to shred through his defenses. It was unfair of him, he’d always known Killua was weak towards him and before he used to take advantage of that carelessly. But now it was different, he’d sworn to himself he’d do things differently. This time he’d give just as much as he took and so much more. He’d let Killua in, let him see the weak, pessimistic, frightened child that he actually was, because he knew Killua would accept him and take care of him. He knew he could trust Killua with himself and he wanted Killua to once again give him that same trust.
"Can I come closer?"
"Why?"
It was a soft broken question that meant everything yet nothing. Why? Everyone would always like to know why. There had to be a reason behind everything but sometimes people didn’t want to know that reason or they didn’t matter, or maybe there really was no reason at all. But that was what people feared most, for there not to be a reason, because a reason allowed an excuse, a comfort, an explanation. Why was just as important as it wasn’t.
"Why did you do that?"
Though vague Gon immediately understood. The kiss. His mind raced back to that day a week ago where they’d been strolling through the mostly empty streets of the city after a good day of training. The sky was an array of dark purples, blues and tints of reds. The stars were barely beginning to show and the street vendors tried their best to sell what was left of their merchandise. Killua had bought a giant blob of cotton candy and was happily munching away fascinated by the way it dissolved in his mouth. The walked slowly enjoying the night view as they made their way back to their motel. They’d stopped at a bridge to watch the sunset, Killua sitting on the rail, his white fluffy locks reflecting the sun. Killua had been talking about something Biscuit had told him over the phone. He’d been laughing joyous and carefree like they used to before. Something about the way the light shadowed Killua’s face made him look younger or maybe it had been the way he was acting. Gon wasn’t sure but he enjoyed seeing the old Killua and he had been helpless to stop his body from leaning in catching his friend by surprise with a soft kiss that left his lips sprinkled with sugar.
They’d stared at each other for a few moments, Gon feeling overwhelmingly satisfied with himself while Killua seemed at a loss. The blue-eyes had turned away first and mentioned something about the sky. Gon replied with something absentmindedly and just like that the incident had been overlooked.
"Did you not like it?"
"We aren’t talking about that. I asked you why."
"Don’t you know why?"
Killua looked shocked by the question. His eyes finally looked up to meet Gon’s who had been watching Killua from the beginning.
"I-I don’t know. Maybe. How could i know you just went and did whatever you wanted. I wasn’t-I didn’t think you’d….it was so out of the blue you didn’t give me time to think. I’m not even sure I heard your right and then you went and did that…."
Killua’s voice began to shake, words rushed, and he looked scared and confused, what exactly it was that was making him feel like that Gon wasn’t sure anymore, and neither was Killua. But all Gon had to do was shift closer, close enough that their knees bumped against each other. He took Killua’s hand in his interlocking their fingers. Killua’s heart slowed and he could breathe again.
"….and then you kissed me a-and my heart did that flipping thing, and it’s never really done that before…I felt warm and strange but…it was nice."
Killua’s eyes fell to their tangled fingers feeling the weight in his chest ease away. He could feel the heat crawling up to his cheeks now that the fear had washed away all that was left was embarrassment. Gon felt his cheeks warm as well and he pressed their foreheads together making the blue eyes look at him again.
"So….could I do it again?"
Killua’s cheeks flushed darker, his eyes lowering to Gon’s rough lips. He licked his own feeling his mouth dry and he leaned in pressing their lips together before pulling back again.
"Yes."