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Goodbye.
This word is always closely related to pain and tears, both for the receiving end and the person who has uttered it. At times, it is uttered as the circumstance dictate, and other times it is said against the person’s will. Although a closed door can mean that another has opened, the pain of letting go, especially if it’s against one’s will, cannot be denied.
Namjoon sets off once again, riding the bus with no specific destination in mind. It was the dead of the night and most of the other passengers are too sleepy to notice the internationally famous boy band leader at the back.
Where did you run off to again, Namjoon ah.
He smiled as he replied to Yoongi, who was the first to find out about his absence. He reassured him that he’s fine and that he’ll be back first thing in the morning. He placed his phone back into his pocket before returning his gaze to the vast dark sky with no stars in sight. Only the crescent moon was dimly lighting up the night as it hid amongst the thick clouds, just like that night when he said his first goodbye.
The sound of the sea drowns out the noise of the city behind him. With his eyes closed, he can imagine himself in a different world, one with no failures, no regrets, no doubts, no competitions, no toxic standards, no pain. But he knows himself a life like that can’t be called life. He heaved a deep sigh as he felt the sands beneath his palm while he sat by the shore just far enough for the waves not to reach where he was.
“Joonie!” her voice once again melted the young man’s heart. Namjoon was only 15 when he got offered to be a trainee in the company called Big Hit. His parents have always been disapproving of his new found passion in music but only his best friend, Seoyun, was supporting him wholeheartedly. Of course he was happy to be able to receive such an opportunity, however it meant moving to Seoul and leaving her behind here in Ilsan. His contract has already stated that he’ll be training for almost 15 hours a day, which barely left him time for himself.
As she approached him, he couldn’t help but stare as he wanted this moment to be etched into his memories for a long time. How she always wears a baggy sweater with the front part tucked in her high waisted fitted pants that she always pairs with her beat up, red, Converse. How she always puts her chestnut hair up in a messy bun, and most especially how her eyes disappear when she smiles as she walks towards him.
“I brought us some snacks!” She says as she stands in front of Namjoon, holding up a black plastic bag filled with convenience store food. She sat beside him, dusting off the sand on her palms before taking some snacks.
Namjoon didn’t know how to break it to Seoyun, but he knew he had to tell her. Especially when his move is in 2 days.
“What’s the bad news?” She suddenly asked, taking Namjoon by surprise. His face was lost for words which urged Seoyun to answer his wordless question. “We’re at the beach at night, which meant this would be a serious conversation. You taking your time to speak can only mean it’s not an easy news to break. Come on, Namjoon. We’ve been friends since we were kids. I can read you like an open book.”
“I actually auditioned for this entertainment company.” He focused in front as he spoke so he couldn’t see the face she’d make. “and I’ve been offered a contract to be a trainee.”
“Wow--Joonie, that’s amazing.” Her voice showed genuine happiness. “You’ve been working for this really hard. I’m so happy for you!” she smiles as she takes Namjoon’s shoulders and makes him face her. Her happiness didn’t match the face of the one who got offered the contract though.
“The thing is, I’ll have to leave Ilsan in 2 days, stay in a dormitory in Seoul while I train. It may take years before I could come back.” She was now silent as she looked down for a second. She cleared her throat, trying to get rid of the knot that was starting to form. She wanted to support her best friend with her whole heart, but there was heaviness in his words. It was like he was saying a permanent goodbye.
“I don’t like your tone, Joonie. Why are you saying goodbye like you won’t ever see me again?” She wasn’t able to hold back her tears as she let go of him to cover her face. She quickly wipes her tears before looking in front of them, focusing on the sound of the waves as she tries to calm herself.
She won’t be the one to get in between Namjoon’s dreams as she knows how much passion and potential her best friend is brimming with.
“Seoyun ah,” Namjoon cooes, already thinking twice of whether to leave her alone when he’s all she’s got. With no parents, no siblings and an abusive uncle, he badly wants to take her with him to Seoul but he doesn’t have the capabilities to do so.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me for a second” Seoyun laughs as she wipes the tears before facing Namjoon with a smile. “I won’t forgive you if you don’t pursue the dream you’ve been pestering your parents about for awhile now.”
Namjoon pulls her close, hugging her tightly as to reassure her that no matter the distance, he’ll always have a special place in his heart dedicated to her.
The bus had stopped and Namjoon had no idea where he was. He’s probably disoriented from the long trip, and the fatigue from the day that has passed. He crossed the road from the bus stop, noticing a convenience store. He went inside and walked straight to the drinks area, deciding whether he should grab a bottle of soju or stick with the cider. Already thinking about the uproar it may cause if he gets caught by dispatch, he reluctantly grabbed the bottle of cider and a bag of chips, heading towards the cashier to pay for it and settling down on the tables and chair set up outside the store.
As he always did, he starts observing the place, at the dead of the night with almost no noise but the quiet rustling of the wind and the scent of a sea near by. It was a decent place, not highly maintained, but definitely not worn down either. At this late night, it seemed like a ghost town until a group of loud teenagers came by and entered the store.
Namjoon gazed with a smile as he remembers his time with his members during their trainee days. They were innocent, quite pure as they were yet to be exposed to the real world waiting upon their debut. All they know was they loved what they were doing and were eager to share their sentiments to whoever they can reach. They trained day and night, working on their music, working on their dance moves. Their body barely kept up as they only had instant noodles to refuel them, but they never gave up. But no practices and late nights were enough to prepare them for the heavy criticisms once they step into the spot light.
Coming from a small company, the burden has been hard trying to keep the group together with such little finances available to them. The members have considered disbanding multiple times when they were still starting and those were the hardest time for him. Not only was the public ridiculing them but even the members were starting to lose hope within themselves. It was only Seoyun that kept him pushing on.
It’s been a year since they debuted and Namjoon tried to keep it in, not wanting to break down infront of his members. He locked himself in his studio, making his composition as an excuse to keep to himself.
“Joonie?” A soft knock was heard from the door. The guys must have let Seoyun in without him knowing.
Seoyun was able to move to Seoul to attend high school after his uncle passed away from kidney failure and she had to move into a distant relative’s place in Seoul. It didn’t even take a day before she shared the good news to Namjoon and the two couldn’t express how happy they were through mere words.
“Come in.” Namjoon grunted as he opened the door, closing it abruptly as soon as she came in. She made him sit down on the couch, making his back face him as she gently massages his shoulders.
No words were exchange as they already understood each other. Her soft touches were able to calm Namjoon down, letting his wall break as he lets it out. His frustrations, his pain. Slowly, he chokes in his sobs, burying his face in his hands. A weight shifted from behind him to his front before being wrapped in Seoyun’s embrace.
“It’s just so damn hard,” he was able to mumble as he succumb to the embrace, slowly being soothed by her soft caress.
“You don’t have to suffer by yourself. Your members are there for you, I’m here for you. You know that, right?” Her soft voice comforted the young boy after being under heavy unjustified criticism, which is honestly just borderline insults. “You’re not alone here, Joonie. You have people that believe in you. Have you forgotten the hearts of the ARMYs you’ve reached? Remember when one came up to you and just cried, thanking you for your existence and how you stopped her from taking her own life when she listened to your song ‘Tomorrow’?”
It was a reminder that Namjoon needed to hear, and he couldn’t be thankful enough for her existence in his life.
Namjoon was taken off his trance when his phone rang and his manager’s name was displayed on the screen. He only had little time for himself that he felt conflicted about answering the phone. The ringing soon stopped and soon came a text message
Namjoon ah, I just got off the phone with this American talk show. We’ve scheduled an appearance for you on the 3rd week of the month. We fly right after your goodbye stage in Music Bank.
I’ll leave it to you to inform the other members, leader.
Namjoon sighed as it was yet another restless month for everyone. It’s been 5 months since they were able to visit their families. Little by little, everyone was growing exhausted, both physically and mentally and it affects their relationships.
Relationships within the group and as well as with people outside the group,
Everything’s been hectic since their first win. The fanbase was steadily expanding and they’ve gotten more projects as they started promoting in Japan with Japanese translations of their songs. The group has been exhausted but nevertheless excited. However, the pressure that the group felt can’t be denied. As their fanbase grew, they felt as though more expectations should be met. The heaviest pressure lies on the shoulders of the leader who takes part in producing most, if not all, the songs in the albums and while promoting, is working on the songs for the next album.
With no rest, no sleep, and barely enough time to eat, the members have been irritable and exhausted. Most of the time, they’d get into petty arguments with each other that sometimes get physical.
“Joonie!” Seoyun was able to visit their last week’s promotion before they fly to Japan for a month. They’ve been officially dating for 9 months and the company has acknowledged their relationship but has no approval of making it public.
She wanted to surprise her boyfriend but as she entered the waiting room, the atmosphere was tense and no one was smiling at all.
“Noona,” Jungkook looked at Seoyun with a face of relief as his eyes silently pleaded for help. She now focused and saw the scowling faces of Namjoon and Hoseok.
“Ah, whatever. I’m going to get something to drink.” Namjoon stood up and left, brushing past Seoyun without even acknowledging her. Jungkook explained that things got heated when Namjoon and Hoseok had a confrontation from the correction of position during their set recording. She patted the youngest’s shoulder and gave him a comforting smile before going after Namjoon.
To be honest, the couple weren’t in a good condition either. They haven’t met for almost 5 weeks and they barely had a decent conversation because Namjoon was too busy. She has been feeling insecure but she never brought it up to him, not wanting to add anymore burden than he already is carrying.
“Joonie?” Seoyun softly calls out after finding him near the vending machine. It was in a restricted area, only for idols which allowed her to approach him freely. Namjoon only looked at her, still visibly annoyed from the incident. “What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He coldly replied, resting his head back on the wall as he sat on the bench beside the machine.
“Come on, you know you can talk to me right?” Seoyun cooes, sitting beside him as she tried to hold his hand but he abruptly pulled away.
“Can’t you just leave me alone for one second?!” Namjoons voice echoes the empty hall, shocking Seoyun. She’s seen him angry and agitated before, but this was the most aggressive he’s been with her. “No matter what I tell you, you wouldn’t get it. You wont understand. No one does.”
“You know that’s not true” her voice was soft and shaking as she fights her tears from falling.
“Just leave. I’m not in the mood to talk.” He says, still refusing to face her.
“You think you’re the only one who has it hard, huh?” Seoyun snaps, now the tears fall from her eyes. Namjoon finally looks at her. He starts to realize just how much his girlfriend has gone through, but was not able to see that as he got blinded from the pressure and exhaustion. He wasn’t able to speak as Seoyun breaks down in front of him. She tells him her frustration and how she tried to keep it together for his sake. She now starts to spill about her problems one at a time, from the family’s mistreatment yet again to her problems in school. His problems as an idol overshadowed the problems of others, including the members and only Seoyun was able to make him realize this mistake.
“I’m sorry.” Namjoon says, head bowed down in shame as he tries to keep his tears at bay. He felt like he had no right to cry after hurting his girlfriend this much. “I’m sorry, Seoyun ah. You deserve so much better.” He mutters, his hands slowly taking hers as it subtly shake.
“Jooni--”
“Lets break up.” He raises his head to face her. As if the words that he has said hadn’t hurt enough, seeing her reaction completely shattered his heart. Her face was pale from shock as tears continue to fall even without her blinking. “I’m sorry, Seoyun ah. I can’t take care of you as I promised. I thought I could, but all I’ve done was to hurt you. If we get exposed as a couple, I don’t know if I’ll be able to protect you,” He now has his head back down, closing his eyes as he wipes his tears. His voice softly cracks as he feels his chest tighten before facing her once again. “I love you, Seoyun ah. Be happy. Goodbye.”
Namjoon sighs as he remembers how poorly he used to handle the stress and the pressure of being an idol. It has been 5 years since then and he’s happy that he can now say he has matured with the members, handling the pressure and exhaustion better and being able to take the criticism that comes with their success. They know better than they can’t please every body, and that they’re content with being able to reach people with their music and crossing language and culture barriers.
It has also been 5 years since he had to let go of someone due to his immaturity, and if only he was given a second chance to go back in time and change how he handled that situation, he’d do anything.
He wouldn’t have said goodbye, because now he’s only left with regret.
An alert from his phone sounded and he picked it up, clicking on the notification that led straight to an article that he already knew about.
His best friend, Jackson has just gotten married.
He places his phone down, regretting that he only got a cider as he reached into his pocket bringing out a delicate envelope with a laced ribbon. He opens it as he reads the content, tears pooling on the edge of his eyes before falling on the opened letter dedicated to him.
Kim Namjoon,
Park Seoyun and Jackson Wang
along with their families request the pleasure of your company at their wedding in XX XX at 5PM in the afternoon on XX XX, 2020.