Chapter Text
⋗•⋖
She was drawing again. In the middle of a physics lecture, instead of taking notes on graph paper like most students were doing, she had a sketchbook out. Jihyun couldn’t help but stare in confusion. It was a well worn sketchbook, too, so he could only assume that she had the same habit in many of her other classes. Was she passing any of them? Wouldn’t their teacher have told her off for it by now? How-
His train of thought was abruptly broken by Jumin sharply nudging him in the ribs and then glancing at the board. Jihyun looked up, slightly panicked as he saw the physics teacher looking at him with an exasperated expression.
“Jihyun. For the third time, can you come up and write out a solution to this problem?”
“Yes, sorry,” he mumbled as he got up from his seat and walked to the whiteboard. Even as he picked up a marker and started writing out an equation, his eyes shifted to the left to see that she had closed her sketchbook, a pencil sticking out of its pages as if to hold her place. A hand covered her mouth as her shoulders silently shook with laughter. She was… laughing at him? He looked back at the board, frustrated. As he came to the end of the equation he was writing, he realized he didn’t know where to go from there. He didn’t know how to finish solving the problem. It was her fault that he was distracted, anyway. It was her fault, and she was… still laughing at him.
“Mr. Raiko? I wrote out the initial equation to set up the problem, but I don’t know where to go from here.”
“Very well, go back to your seat. Miyu, could you finish it up for him?”
Jihyun paused at the mention of her name, watching as she pushed her sketchbook to the side and walked in his direction, taking the marker from him.
As she twirled the marker around in her hand, he wondered if their teacher would start to get mad if she couldn't answer the problem. After all, neither of them had been paying attention, so he figured she probably wouldn’t know how to solve it either. Yet, as she started to write, there wasn’t even a flicker of hesitation in her eyes, and Mr. Raiko ended up congratulating her for getting everything correct down to the proper notation and units. She just smiled and went back to her seat, continuing to draw as the lesson continued.
He didn’t even realize he was staring at her again until Jumin practically waved a hand in front of his face trying to get his attention.
“Jihyun. Jihyun.”
“Oh, sorry.” He finally turned to face his friend. “What are we doing?”
“Group problems. We’re supposed to work as partners.”
“Ah, okay.” As he scanned the worksheet, he could only gaze at it blankly. “Uh, Jumin? What does permittivity of free space mean?
“You really weren’t listening at all. Have you ever even talked to her?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jihyun muttered, pointedly looking back at the paper.
“Yeah, sure you don’t. By the way, we technically don’t need to know what permittivity of free space actually means.”
“Then why is it on the problem set?”
“It’s just the name of a number in one of the equations.”
“I hate this class.”
“Jihyun, were you saying something?”
He practically jumped in his seat when he heard Mr. Raiko next to him.
“No! Not at all.”
“How are the practice problems coming along, then?”
“Fine, we’re doing fine.”
“I hope so. Don’t forget there’s a quiz next class.” He finally walked back to his desk, focus shifting to the stack of their tests from two units ago that he still had yet to grade.
Despite himself, Jihyun glanced in Miyu’s direction one more time to see her already looking at him. As their eyes met, she flashed him a sympathetic smile while his eyes darted back to his desk.
“I really hate this class,” he mumbled, burying his face in his hands.
⋗•⋖
“You should talk to her.”
“What?” Jihyun looked at Jumin with a confused expression at the suggestion. It was their lunch period the next day, and the two of them sat together at a table in one of the courtyards.
“I’m just saying, she’ll probably notice you staring at some point. It'll seem less weird if you talk to her first.”
“I don’t stare at her.”
“Then why did you have no idea what was going on in physics yesterday?”
“I was just spacing out. Everyone does sometimes.”
“And you just happened to be staring in her direction every time you were spacing out.”
“I-- Okay, fine, maybe I was a little, but not because of what you’re thinking or anything. I just think she’s strange.”
“Strange? How so?”
“You know how she’s always drawing in class instead of taking notes, right?”
“I don’t make a habit of staring at her, so I actually wouldn’t know.”
“That’s not important,” Jihyun huffed. “It’s just… why would she be at this high school if she's only going to spend her time in class on something so pointless? This is supposed to be a highly ranked and prestigious school, so it's irritating to see someone wasting their time here like that. Also, don’t you think it’s weird how Mr. Raiko never says anything about it? Usually he calls out anyone who’s not paying attention, but he never says anything to her.”
“Maybe she does well on the assessments, so he doesn’t feel the need to?”
“I do well on the assessments, too.”
“If I recall correctly, didn’t you say your last test score was 7 points lower than your typical score average?”
“So I messed up on one unit. I still think it’s weird.”
“Well, I’ll say it again before we have to go back to class. I think you should consider talking to her. You haven’t been focused in class lately, and I think you might be less distracted if you did. She might not seem so strange if you get to know her. Who knows, maybe she’s really good at physics and already knows everything, so she doesn’t even need to listen. Maybe then she could help you so that you stop taking my flashcards the morning of every test.”
“I don't have any interest in talking to someone like that," Jihyun maintained, a scowl crossing his face. "Also, you offered to let me use your flashcards.”
“I know.” Jumin offered him a slight smile as he started to pack up his lunch and head to his next class. “I’ll see you later. Think about it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Later.” Jihyun waved and headed in the opposite direction to his own class.
⋗•⋖
“Take your seats and put away all materials. We’ll be starting the quiz shortly.”
“Good luck,” Jumin whispered to Jihyun as he pushed his books to the side.
Jihyun simply sighed in response. He had stayed up late studying the previous night, but at this point was struggling to stay awake, let alone remember how to do the problems he had worked through.
Once the quizzes were passed out, Jihyun could only stare at the paper blankly upon reading the question. Even so, he wrote down whatever equations from the unit he could remember, trying to see if any of them were related. His expression relaxed a little as he saw a connection between what he was writing and what the question was asking, and started to work toward the solution. Just as he thought he was finished, though, he realized that there was one variable still left in his answer that he’d forgotten to solve for. A glance at the clock revealed he only had 30 seconds left anyways, so he just left his answer as it was and turned it in, hoping to get partial credit.
“How did you think it was?” He asked Jumin as he returned to his seat.
“I thought it was easy enough. You?”
“Fine, I guess.”
“I feel like in the future it might be better for you to just to go to sleep instead of studying so late.”
“Maybe.” Jihyun yawned, resting his head on the desk.
“It’s the last class of the day, just try to stay awake until it ends.”
⋗•⋖
“As you come into class, look up at the board for the new seating arrangement. I know I usually let you pick your own seats, but I wanted to try something different this time.”
Jihyun and Jumin looked at each other and sighed. The idea of physics class without being able to sit next to each other was unpleasant, to say the least. They looked at the board to see where they were sitting, and while Jumin and Jihyun were on opposite sides of the room, Jihyun was right next to Miyu.
“Talk to her,” Jumin mouthed at his friend before sitting down at his new desk. Jihyun rolled his eyes as he glanced across the room where Miyu was already at her seat and walked over, taking his place next to her.
The bell signaling the start of class rang, and their teacher cleared his throat.
“First off, I’ll be handing back your quizzes from last class and going over the solutions to it. Come up to get yours when I call your name.”
When Miyu’s name was called, his eyes glazed over as he watched her walk to the front of the classroom and almost missed his own being called. He glimpsed at his score as he was sitting back down before shoving the paper into his folder.
“Did you do okay?”
He started at the sound of her voice, replying in a frigid tone.
“I did fine, just not as well as I usually do. I knew how to do the problem but forgot to solve for one variable.”
“Ah, I can relate to that. I think this quiz went okay for me, but I had to study more than I usually do to prepare for it. I think this unit is supposedly where the content starts to get a lot harder,” she said, completely ignoring his cold demeanor, causing him to loosen up ever so slightly.
“Hmm, that would make sense. I haven’t been able to focus well lately, either,” he responded.
She stared at him for a moment, and he was starting to feel anxious when she spoke decisively.
“You need to get more sleep.”
“What?”
“You’re not sleeping enough. It might not solve your problem completely, but things would get a lot better if you were sleeping more hours.”
“How do you know?”
“Practically everyone in this school is like that,” she laughed, but the sound seemed hollow. “Also, you were falling asleep in class yesterday.”
“And you were drawing in class,” he muttered, getting annoyed again.
“Yeah, but you can listen to a lecture while drawing. Not as much while sleeping. Someone threw a pencil and it hit you, and you didn’t even flinch.”
He didn’t know what else to say, so he shifted his attention back to their teacher, who had finished going over the quiz and was starting a lecture on a new topic. Jihyun took notes off the board without really processing any of it while Miyu was sketching as she always did beside him. Jihyun vaguely wondered what she might be drawing, but tried to keep his thoughts focused on his notes and away from her.
⋗•⋖
“Do you always just draw in class?” Jihyun asked the next week when Miyu closed her sketchbook after a lecture had finished.
“Yeah, I suppose so. At this point I think it’s a habit. I don’t in all of my classes, but I do in most of them. It depends on the subject, I think.”
“Do you have a favorite subject?” He tried to tell himself he was continuing the conversation out of boredom rather than curiosity, but he was starting to realize he actually wanted to know the answer. I'm sure it's just because I don't understand her.
“Not physics, that’s for sure.”
“I can agree to that,” he replied, unsure of whether having that in common with her made him feel more glad or irritated.
“Of the classes I’m taking right now, probably psychology," she decided after thinking for a moment. "It was actually that teacher who encouraged me to draw more in class, in a way. During the unit on information processing and memory, we read a study about how doodling while listening to something like a recording or a lecture can actually improve processing and retention of the information compared to just listening. I’ve always had a habit of drawing over all of my papers, but since then I’ve started bringing my sketchbook to classes where I have more trouble focusing.”
He was surprised to hear that she had a real reason for drawing in class, one supposedly supported by science at that. He still saw it as a waste of time, but it did make him more curious.
“Your favorite class isn’t art, then?”
“Oh, I don’t take art in school. It’s more of just something that I do for fun. I feel like it doesn’t really make sense to take art in high school if that’s not what I’m going to do as a career, since I could be taking other classes that help me prepare for university more.”
“So you don’t plan on being an artist or anything like that?”
“Nope, not me.” She smiled, but her eyes seemed empty as she kept talking. “I’m not nearly good enough to get into college for art. Besides, doing it as a career would be pretty unpredictable, and that’s something I’d rather not have to worry about.”
“Yeah, that's true. Artists have to sacrifice everything in order to devote themselves to the ideals they pursue through their work. To me, though, it doesn’t make sense to pursue those kinds of abstract ideals unless you’re already successful.”
“Well then, what is it that you want to do? What career do you want to pursue?”
“My father owns a business in arts and entertainment, so I’ll enter the company after university and eventually take over.”
“Ah, so you’re planning on going into business. Do you do any activities in school related to that?”
“Yeah. Right now I’m co-president of the investment club with Jumin.”
“Woah, really? I’ve heard that club is competitive. It's impressive that you're the head of it.”
“Are you in any clubs?”
“I’m the secretary of the art club. Not president or anything, but there are a lot of people that come.”
“So you don’t even take art, but you’re in a leadership position in art club?”
“Yep. Even if I’ll never be an artist, I do like it a lot. A lot of people there know it’s not something that they can pursue with everything they have, you know? I think a part of the reason why I got the position was because so many people there are like me. They might not have had space in their schedules to take the class itself, but they still like to do it.”
“So you don’t have to be that serious about art to go to the art club?”
“Not at all. It’s really more about creating something that has meaning for yourself than anything else. If you’re interested at all, you should come sometime.”
“I’m really not the type to do art.”
“Suit yourself. If you ever change your mind, though, it is really nice.”
“It just seems way too abstract for me to get my head around.”
“… What’s abstract about drawing some shapes on paper?”
“I meant more of what you said before, about creating something that has meaning. That ‘meaning’ is pretty baseless, the way I see it.”
“I get where you’re coming from, but I feel like abstractism is somewhat of an abstract concept itself.”
“What do you mean?”
“Take something like physics for an example. To me, it’s more abstract because if the average person reads the lab report that I’m writing right now, they probably couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Even if they could follow all the math, equations, symbols, and graphs that we had to use to calculate an approximation of the universal gravitational constant, why does it matter? What does it even represent? What’s the point of knowing it? Not many people would be able fully explain those questions. Art, though? That’s something that everyone can see. It’s real, it exists in a more concrete way, and anyone can create it.”
“That’s an interesting way of thinking about it," he admitted. "I guess what I mean by abstract is things in which value is subjective? If equations and calculations can make a plane fly, then even if they’re not widely understood, they have a value that can’t be argued. Art in that way is different in that one person could think it to be priceless and another not think anything of it at all.”
“Yeah, and you’re not wrong in that regard. In fact, that’s pretty much why I’d be afraid to follow a career in art. Anyways, I just finished the lab report so I’m going to go turn it in.”
“Wait, how did you finish it already?”
“Most of the second half was just solving equations, so I did it while talking. Also, it’s due at the end of class tomorrow, so I wanted to get it out of the way.”
“I’ve barely even started,” he sighed.
“If you really need help, I could go over it with you during lunch tomorrow or something.”
“Really?”
“Just do something for me in exchange, though.”
“What?”
“Go to sleep before 10:00pm tonight.”
“Why? That’s so early.”
“Exactly. You literally look dead inside. You probably need it.”
“...”
“Okay, but for real.” She paused, her voice becoming more gentle. “Take care of yourself, it’s important. Meet me in the library during lunch?”
“Sure, that works. Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me, thank my psychology teacher. Ever since we read this one study on some of the effects of sleep deprivation, I’ve been bullying everyone I know into getting more sleep.”
Jihyun smiled despite himself. It was… almost cute, the way she talked as if she was doing a disservice to others when she was really just caring about them.
⋗•⋖
After class, Jihyun was walking with Jumin as usual when Jumin turned down a different hallway.
“Where are you going?”
“The library. I don’t really feel like going home yet.”
“Is there a reason why?” Jihyun asked, following him.
“I can’t study there. My father and stepmother have been arguing so much lately that it’s too noisy.”
“Sorry, that sounds stressful. I know how much you hate loud noises.”
“I guess so. It’s fine if I stay here instead, though,” Jumin said as he stepped inside.
“Do you think they’re really going to get divorced?”
“They have been talking about it a lot, if you can even call it talking. I wouldn’t mind if they did. I just wish my father wouldn’t marry again.”
“Wouldn’t he be unhappy alone?”
“I don’t know, maybe that’s the problem. He keeps getting blinded by women that are so easy to see through, and he doesn’t seem to care. It bothers me. I feel like I don’t have any interest in women because of my father. They’re just so irritating.”
“You don’t even have any interest in getting a girlfriend, do you?”
“Just because you’re thinking about it doesn’t mean everyone is.” Jumin rolled his eyes.
“I’m not thinking about that,” Jihyun responded, equally exasperated.
“Then why bring it up?”
“I don’t know, what you said made me think that you sound older than you really are, in a way. Most guys our age would think about something like dating a lot, but your thoughts are basically the exact opposite.”
“You often say things like that too, though. Things that sound like they’d come from someone much older.”
“I guess we’re both like that then, huh?”
“Still, maybe not all women are so bad. Whenever I see your mother in church, she seems different from the ones I always see my father with.
“What do you mean? You’ve never talked to her, have you?” Jihyun’s brows furrowed as he looked at Jumin.
“No, but I get the feeling that she’s not a bad person. When she looks at you, she has this sincerity in her eyes that’s different from anything I’ve seen before. It’s caring, but almost in a haunting way, like sorrow tinged with desperation, as if she’s pleading to you.”
“It’s probably just because she used to be an artist,” Jihyun huffed. “I’ve never even looked at her eyes, so it’s not like I would know.”
“Still… She is your mother.”
“And?”
“I’ve had this thought for a while now, but I don’t think you ever question your father.”
“Why should I? I’ve learned a lot by following him, so I don’t see why I should question him.”
“Even so, you are your own person. At some point you have to find your own path.”
“So what are you saying I should do?”
“It might be good for you to at least talk to your mother. You might not get along with her, but I think it’s important that you form those opinions for yourself rather than just going along with what your father says.”
“Forming those opinions for myself? I’ll think about it.”
“Besides, we’re teenagers. We’re supposed to be reexamining our identities and finding our own places in society by experimenting with different aspects of our lives. If you’re unable to form an internal sense of self, you’ll get stuck in role confusion and become unable to accept yourself or others.”
“ … Where do you even pick this stuff up?”
“It’s from a psychology book. Stage five of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development is about the conflict between identity and role confusion, which is the stage we would be in right now according to our age. It’s interesting to think about.”
“Miyu said her favorite subject was psychology, too. I wonder if she’s read about that.”
“She probably has, if she’s read about development. I think it’s a pretty well known theory within the field. What I’m saying, though, is that I think it’s time you try to stop seeing things through your father’s eyes and start seeing them through your own. Not even just about you mother, you should look at the world as a whole through your own point of view.”
“I should… shape my own point of view about the world?”
“I think it might be good for you to at least try. Anyways, that’s all I had to say. The rest is up to you.”
“Thanks for the advice. Good luck studying, I think I’m going to go home. I’m… trying to go to sleep early tonight.”
“Alright, see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, see you.”
⋗•⋖
Jihyun had made sure to start his homework quickly upon coming home and ended up finishing earlier than normal. By 9:00pm, he didn’t have anything left to do for school the next day except for physics, which he had decided not to touch until lunch tomorrow. He ended up lying down in bed and closing his eyes by 9:30.
I guess I actually did it, he vaguely thought before he quickly lost consciousness, sleep deprivation taking over.
⋗•⋖
The next morning, Jihyun ran up to Jumin as they started walking to school together.
“Jumin!”
“You seem excited. Did something happen?”
“I actually slept for 10 hours last night. I can’t remember the last time I felt this awake on a morning before school.”
“I’m glad. You looked like you needed it.”
“What about you? Were you able to get all your work done at the library?”
“Yes, it was actually quite nice. I think I’ll keep staying there to read and do schoolwork in the future.”
“Maybe I’ll start staying there when midterms come around to study more effectively.”
“Oh, I also did notice that Miyu was there, yesterday.”
“Really? Did you say anything to her?”
“No. We don’t really know each other. I only noticed because she stayed so late. She was one of the only people still there when I left.”
“Oh, I see. And Jumin?”
“Yeah?”
“I still have to finish the physics lab during lunch, so I’ll be in the library then.
⋗•⋖
Miyu was waiting for him when he walked into the library at the beginning of their lunch period, and she waved him over to a table.
“You have your lab notebook with you, right?” She asked as they sat down.
He nodded, and the period flew by as she explained each part of the lab, walking him through the function of each of the data tables and helping him write the analysis until he only had the conclusion left to write by the end of lunch. As they were getting up to leave for their next classes, Miyu paused and Jihyun looked back at her.
“Hey… Thank you. For keeping your end of the deal. You look a lot more, well, alive than you have been recently.”
“Oh, I mean, I was only able to because I wasn’t losing sleep over this assignment. So, thank you?”
She smiled at him as they left the library, and Jihyun was vaguely aware of a light feeling settling over him.
⋗•⋖
Jihyun and Jumin were walking home together in silence when Jihyun suddenly spoke.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said.”
“Oh?”
“About… forming my own opinions and all. I don’t know if it’s too sudden, but think I might go visit my mother.”
“I think that might be a good idea,” Jumin replied, smiling ever so slightly.
“Don’t tell anyone, though. My father would get really mad if he found out.”
“Of course. I hope things go well with your mother.”
“Yeah, me too,” Jihyun laughed nervously, staring at the ground and staying silent for the rest of the walk home.
⋗•⋖
The two of them didn’t talk about the subject any further until Jumin brought it up again a week later when they were eating lunch outside.
“Did you end up seeing your mother over the weekend?”
“Yeah, I did, actually.”
“How did it go?”
“It was kind of nice. We went to an exhibition together.”
“You go to those types of things a lot because of your father’s gallery, right?”
“Yeah, that’s true. It somehow felt different with her, though. The paintings there felt more real, if that makes any sense? It felt like each of them told a story, in a way.”
“Did you like it? Being able to see them like that?”
“I guess so? I’m honestly not really sure. I felt kind of conflicted about the whole thing, especially because Mother also kept saying I should try drawing.”
“Have you ever thought about drawing before?”
“I mean, it looks fun, but you know I don’t want to be an artist or anything like that.”
“If you think it looks fun, then maybe it's worth trying out. Just because you don't want to be an artist doesn't mean you can't draw as a hobby.”
“I guess you’re right. I don’t really know where to start, though.”
“I’m sure you’ll find a way.”
⋗•⋖