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//
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"Huh?"
"Birthday. You. What gift?"
Soonyoung looked up from his phone and saw Jihoon sitting a few metres away from him with his eyebrows raised. He then let out a small gasp at the fact that he almost forgot his birthday.
The past few months had been passing by too quickly, but as per usual whenever a comeback was due. Soonyoung had been spending his days either at the practice room or Jihoon's studio. He can't remember since when, but the latter had became a routine at some point - for Soonyoung to include himself as a permanent dweller at the purple-tinted dim space Jihoon calls home. When questioned, Soonyoung often reasons that it's to give Jihoon the mental and physical support he needed. Sometimes to give feedback, sometimes to give something to eat. Sometimes to be the listener on the rare occasion Jihoon wants to talk, like now.
Upon realising his birthday is a week away, Soonyoung's surprised look turned into a grin.
"How romantic of you to ask me, instead of planning it as a surprise."
"It's just easier. You did it first anyway," Jihoon said, shrugging his shoulders.
"But you liked those gifts the best!!" Soonyoung exclaimed, pointing to the corner of the room. Jihoon swivelled his chair around and followed Soonyoung's finger to the two Bearbrick toys displayed on the table.
"Oh, right." Jihoon smiled. "The Keith Haring one, I was surprised you got it."
"Well yeah, of course~" Soonyoung tilted his head with a smug look on his face, placing both of his arms on the sofa's backrest.
Of course my ass, Soonyoung thought. If not for tech-savvy Wonwoo and translator Jisoo, he wouldn't even be able to navigate his way through the site, let alone purchasing the gift. All the effort and struggle eventually paid off as both toys took residence in Jihoon's favourite part of the room.
"So, what do you want?"
"Uhh, let's see..." Soonyoung trailed off and got into thinking. Hmm.. What should I ask for? Food for a year? Matching clothes? Wish coupons?
Jihoon chuckled at Soonyoung's concerned face before saying, "You can ask for anything."
Soonyoung looked up to meet Jihoon in the eye. "Anything? Really?"
"Sure."
"Then.. I want a letter."
Jihoon furrowed his brows. Letter?
He looked at Soonyoung who was staring back at him with a serious look.
"A letter."
"Yes. A handwritten one."
"You know my handwriting is ugly."
"Mine is even worse," Soonyoung muttered. "I just.. like letters. You know that."
"That I do," Jihoon said.
His mind flew back to his memory of a younger Soonyoung jumping up and down upon receiving his very first fan letter. The way he was carrying it around, showing it off to everyone he bumped into. The way he reread the letter until the paper wore off, the handwriting faded to a lighter shade of grey. The way he laminated the letter and kept it inside a drawer of his bedside table so he could adore it before sleep for the rest of his life.
"Also, it's been a while since I've read a letter from you."
Jihoon's heart fell upon hearing Soonyoung's words, but managed to keep his cool.
"...Right. So. A letter is all? Nothing else?"
"Yep," Soonyoung replied, grinning from ear to ear. "That would be all."
"Well, don't regret it."
Contradicting his calm words, Jihoon turned around to hide his panic. It had been long since the last time he immortalised his feelings in form of written words that are not songs. In this case, feelings toward Soonyoung. Verbally, he'd somehow managed to get things across from time to time - but after a long period of being comfortable with where they stood, a love letter worth given as a birthday gift was a big burden to someone like Jihoon. Heck, he'd rather spend his hard-earned money for an expensive gift instead. But he knew Soonyoung knew that would be too easy of a feat. A simple letter, now - that's something.
Of course, Soonyoung knew all too well of this. He could sense Jihoon turning tense from several metres away - even when his whole body was hidden behind the chair. Soonyoung stood up and approached Jihoon.
"Don't think too much of it. Any kind of letter from you is already wonderful," Soonyoung said as he patted the back of Jihoon's head.
Jihoon shook his head in response, trying to shake Soonyoung's hand away.
Soonyoung laughed before saying, "I'm going to leave now. Don't miss me too much."
"Sure, sure," Jihoon mumbled, his eyes fixated on the computer screen, mouse clicking on nothing.
As he heard the sound of the door being shut, he waited for a few more seconds before slowly turning his head. The room was empty.
"What am I going to do..."
//
"Once again, thank you for wishing me a happy birthday! Bye everyone~"
Soonyoung and Jeonghan waved into the camera. Soonyoung got up and did his signature hand-over-the-camera gesture, ending the birthday VLIVE.
"And once again-"
"Hold on, hold on." Myungho took the cake that was sitting in front of Soonyoung away before saying, "Go."
"...And once again, happy birthday Hoshi!" Mingyu said as he sandwiched Soonyoung's face with his two hands.
The others took the chance to invade Soonyoung's personal space as hands were patting his head, tickling his ears, and poking his neck, earning spasms from Soonyoung. The members managed to creep into Soonyoung's room one by one during his VLIVE, and Soonyoung had shouted "HOSHI V APP!!" as a warning every time a member came in before realising everyone were planning to gather in his room to give him the last birthday greeting of the year.
Sitting on the edge of Soonyoung's bed, Jihoon was relieved to see Soonyoung smiling throughout the day and night. He recalled the messages he received just an hour ago:
It does look like it, Jihoon thought as he smiled at the sight.
"So, who hasn't given Hoshi any gift?" Jeonghan pulled out a receipt from his pocket and waved it around. "I bought him dinner today."
"I gave him shoes from two weeks ago," Seungcheol said.
"That's from me!" Seokmin pointed to the hoodie Soonyoung was wearing.
"I still have the no-birthday-gift rule, and Hoshi's cool with it," Woonwoo added as he and Soonyoung nodded at each other.
Hearing everyone chattering away discussing their birthday gifts, Jihoon stayed silent and fiddled with the envelope inside his hoodie pocket instead. I. Could. Never. Just innocently give Soonyoung a stupid letter in front of everyone. I should've given it to him last night. Or this morning. Ugh. I really should've bought him something else, this was a stupid ide-
"Well, if anyone needs some privacy just to give his gift," Seungkwan said as he glanced at Jihoon, "I'm going to take off now. Happy birthday, Hoshi~"
Seungkwan's cue prompted the others to greet and hug Soonyoung before making their way out of the room.
"Yo, Vernon..?" Jisoo was about to leave when he called to Hansol who was still on his phone, laying chill on his bed. "Wanna, uh, watch anime in my room or something?"
Hansol looked around the room to find the only ones remaining were Jihoon and Soonyoung, both staring at him with blank faces.
"...Oookay. It's my room, but I'll leave I guess. Bye."
Soonyoung waved to Hansol until the door was closed behind him. "Now! Where's my letter gift?"
Jihoon stared at the stretched out hands towards him, Soonyoung's eyes twinkling with excitement.
"I don't have it."
"You're lying."
"It's stupid."
"It's not. Gimme," Soonyoung said, hands flapping in front of Jihoon's face. "Gimme gimme gimme gimme."
Giving up, Jihoon let out a sigh before handing Soonyoung the envelope he had been carrying around with him all day, unable to find the right timing to give it away.
Soonyoung grinned and took a seat on the bed beside Jihoon. He then opened the envelope and took out a neatly folded piece of paper. As he unraveled the letter, he found a smaller piece of paper inside.
"Read the small one first."
"What's this, a teaser?" Soonyoung laughed at Jihoon's cute gesture as he began reading the small note.
________________________________
Hi, Soonyoung.
It's weird. To be writing to you like this.
I tried to think about what to write to you. I didn't want to waste any paper, so I drafted it on the computer before I write them down.
Honestly I could've just sent this by email right now but you'd want to print it out and since there's no printer in my studio, you'll probably attempt to use one in the office and there's NO WAY in hell I'd let these words be anywhere else but in your hand, so I hope you're happy that my hands are in utter pain
Anyway. Now read the other paper. Bye
________________________________
Soonyoung smiled at the way Jihoon's scribbles was written down. He'd probably wanted to do his best handwriting for the real letter, but thinking back, Soonyoung couldn't remember the last time Jihoon took a note not using his phone. The foreign concept of writing would've had left his hands sore, making the words on the smaller note barely readable to any unfamiliar reader.
But of course, Soonyoung could make out every word Jihoon was trying to say. Be it written or unspoken, hidden inside his head.
He glanced to his left at Jihoon, who had his gaze on the ground, his pale hands fidgeting over the hem of his hoodie. It was a view Soonyoung used to witness during the earlier days - a more timid Jihoon with thousands of words in his head, but none leaving his lips.
He remembered how the seemingly timid Jihoon could blow everyone's mind away by the way he articulates his thoughts through writings, and how his every word gave Soonyoung a wide array of feelings he had never thought he would be able to feel in his life.
Smiling at the thought of reading those words directed to him and himself only, Soonyoung put the small paper down and started reading the actual letter.
________________________________
Here's a story about you.
Someone whose first impression didn't sit well with me.
Someone who came in without having to audition, unlike me
Someone whose warmth fills every corner of the room, unlike me
Someone who smiles bright like the sun at solar noon, again - unlike me.
Someone whose first words to me were, "I really like your voice. Can you teach me how to sing?"
It didn't take long for me to realise how we were more alike than different - and how happier I'd become with you around.
As time goes on,
you showed me a side of you I never knew existed.
As you lay your emotions bare, unfiltered, unaltered,
and as I embrace them to your surprise.
It didn't take long for you to realise you were never broken to begin with - you just needed someone to remind you how wonderful of a human being you are. That it's okay to not be happy all the time.
One sleepless morning, I was watching an older video of us
and I saw you. Looking at me, without me noticing
I replayed the seconds, making sure it's not just the angle.
Then you turned around and tried to contain your smile
Slowly but sure, a smile grew on your face
As tender as a summer night, and as bright as the first light.
It didn't take long for us to realise we're meant for each other.
Here's a story about us.
________________________________
Soonyoung reread the letter. Again. And again.
He realised how each character was written carefully as if they were fragile. He kept reading until the paragraphs became intertwined and the words blurred. Maybe it was because of the blood rushing into his brain, or was it the tears welling at the corner of his eyes? He wasn't too sure.
Soonyoung took a long breath, not wanting to shed any water element in case it would make Jihoon worried about him. Just then, he felt a light pat on his head.
He looked to his left to find Jihoon's distressed face, lips forming a sad pout. Are you okay? Jihoon shot a concerned look.
Soonyoung smiled. How can I not be okay with you by my side?
"Jihoon?"
"Yeah?"
"I wrote one for you too."
"...But why?"
"Because you like letters too."
"But it's not my birthday."
"Okay, let this be my other birthday present - for Jihoon to happily receive this heartfelt letter that I wrote."
Soonyoung grasped inside the pocket of his hoodie and showed a folded notebook paper. Little did Jihoon knew, Soonyoung had been walking around with this paper too throughout his birthday, wanting to make sure he could give the letter the moment Jihoon decided to give his.
Jihoon took the letter from Soonyoung's hand. He unfolded the paper and took a glance at the content.
"This looks like a grocery list."
Soonyoung laughed. "Just read it. It took me days."
Jihoon chuckled and shook his head.
________________________________
Things that Jihoon does that make me happy:
- existing
- breathing
- singing
- eating well
- looking at me
- looking at me with a deadly glare
- looking at me when I'm not looking
- then looking away when I catch you do so
- slowing your pace to walk with me
- skipping your steps to catch up with me
- when you make fun of me
- when you tiptoe to whisper the silliest things to me
- the way you initiated the most awkward hugs because you felt sorry after realising you've rejected my hug for more than 10 times
- when you don't realise it doesn't bother me but it's too cute, so I let you do it
- just you in general makes me very happy
P.S. Thank you for being with me.
________________________________
"...This took you days."
"Yeah, really!"
"It looks like it lived in your pocket for days, that's for sure." Jihoon traced the prominent fold lines across the paper, the jagged sides showed the way it was torn out of a notebook. He smiled imagining Soonyoung carrying the paper and a pen around just so that he could jot down each line whenever the thought of him comes to Soonyoung.
Oh, heck. What am I thinking?
"Did you like it?" Soonyoung looked at Jihoon expectantly.
"Of course," Jihoon said with a little smile. "Thanks for this. I'll keep it in my pocket too."
Soonyoung watched as Jihoon folded the letter and fiddled it around with his fingers. Jihoon's mind flew back to the times he had received letters like this from Soonyoung. Well, that is if listed-down words like these count as a letter.
At first, it was a couple post-its he would place on Jihoon's belongings. On his phone. Inside Jihoon's lyrics notepad. On the wall beside Jihoon's bed. Those colourful papers used to be filled with what seemed to be trivial lists. Soonyoung's TMI of the day. Food cravings of the week. Things he was grateful for. Soonyoung then asked for Jihoon to do the same and give him lists of nothing. The routine entertained Jihoon, and writing the lists felt somewhat therapeutic, in a way.
One day, the post-its and memo pads evolved into notebook papers. Soonyoung's list became longer, sometimes accompanied by actual sentences. Jihoon, on the other side, was reluctantly fulfilling Soonyoung's request to write him 'love letters'. I want to learn how to be romantic, he said. Think of it like writing song lyrics, he said. And so Jihoon wrote. Words that are tender. Affectionate. Sometimes sorrowful, sometimes full of joy. At the start, Jihoon began writing to no one. But, the moment the receiver turned from no one to himself, Soonyoung knew.
Even then, things needed no explanation between them. Sometimes no words, too.
Without realising, they had stayed still for what felt like an eternity.
"Jihoon." Soonyoung broke the stillness in the air.
"What." Jihoon replied, still staring at Soonyoung's letter in his hands.
"It's not fair how good you are with words."
"What."
"Your letter. It's so good that it's a pity to keep it to myself. I kinda want to frame it up on this wall so I can show it off to everyone."
Jihoon's eyes widened. He turned his head and glared at Soonyoung whose expression had turned playful.
"...Don't. You. Ever dare."
Upon Jihoon's threatening words that were clashing with his endearing, flushed face, Soonyoung burst into laughter. Jihoon scoffed as he shoved Soonyoung's letter inside his pocket. This man is impossible.
"Well, at least you're happy seeing me suffer through the week."
"I told you to take it easy, didn't I? How come it's my fault?"
"You KNOW full well I wouldn't be able to."
"Yeah, I knew." Soonyoung giggled before continuing. "The whole thing was definitely worth a birthday gift. It had been awhile since I've seen you that careful around me."
Jihoon cringed, thinking back to the times he got caught scrambling to hide the letter when Soonyoung barged into the studio.
"Good to know you enjoyed my misery."
"It had also been awhile since you gave me a love letter. It made me feel so loved."
Jihoon looked up to see Soonyoung, a dizzying smile painted across his face.
"Here, feel the love." Jihoon started smacking Soonyoung with the bed pillow repeatedly. "Just- you- wait- I'll be asking for something impossible for my birthday this year."
Soonyoung grabbed the pillow, stopping Jihoon from continuing his docile rampage and pulling him closer in one swift move. Moving his face closer to Jihoon's, Soonyoung said, "You are impossibly cute, you know that."
"Anyway, thank you," Soonyoung continued, "for being the first to say happy birthday. It meant the world to me. And now the last one, too."
"Thank you for the best birthday letter I've received in all of my 24 years, Lee Jihoon. I know you won't like it, but... You know I'll ask for more letters in 5, 10, or even 20 years from now, right?"
Jihoon smiled, unbeknownst to himself that when with Soonyoung, he smiles just as bright as Soonyoung did the first time they met.
"I'll write it. For you. Over and over. For today and 50 years later."
//
