Archive of Our Own

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"Are you crying?"

Upon hearing a soft voice from a distance, Soonyoung lifted his heavy head to find the owner.

He was greeted by a familiar silhouette standing in front of the ajar door. Soonyoung shot the person a grim smile and shook his head slowly.

Jihoon took a deep breath and walked in. He closed the door and entered the dimly lit room, the only source of light being the street lamp shining faintly through the window. Soonyoung was sitting on his bed with his head hung low, his hair dishevelled.

"You okay?" Jihoon said as he sat on the floor in front of him.

"Yeah, yeah."

Jihoon hesitated. He glanced at the hunched figure before him, trying to gauge his mood. This does look pretty bad. Why did he cry? Is it really just because of that post?

He cleared his throat before asking his next question: "Are you still sad?"

"...Sort of," Soonyoung answered.

Short replies. Not helping. 

Jihoon tried to remember Jeonghan's text from 5 minutes ago.

For some reason, it had become a common drill to get Jihoon as first aid to Soonyoung's gloom. As the other members would describe it, somehow it was easier for Soonyoung to open up to Jihoon than to the others. When asked about it, Jihoon didn't know why exactly - but he likes to think that he asks the right set of questions to Soonyoung, even though they might not seem like it.

"Why?" Jihoon decided to ask.

Soonyoung let out a sigh before answering, "It's just.. a sad day, I guess."

"You were fine earlier."

"It's the day after now." Soonyoung forced a chuckle. Jihoon checked his wristwatch. 2:25 in the morning.

"So. What was the post about?"

"..Well, it was saying about what would happen in 50 years."

"50 years?"

"Yeah. How by then we would not be performing anymore, and will get married, start a family..." Soonyoung took a deep breath before continuing. "That just made me realise how I just.. feel so sad thinking about the future."

"The future?" Jihoon asked. "What kind.. or, what part?"

"Like.. What happens when this is all over?"

Soonyoung paused, his stare grew empty.

"Reading that post.. made me think about so many things. Probably things that I shouldn't be thinking about. Like... What happens when we can no longer do all this? What do I do? What if we split ways? Also, when will that be? Will it be 10 years from now? Or even shorter? What if things are over before I can do everything I've wanted to do? What if it ends without a warning? Man, I don't want to think about it, but it's in my head."

Finally, Jihoon thought after hearing Soonyoung's storm of words.

Sometimes, Soonyoung doesn't say much. But other times, it's not uncommon how Soonyoung would let you in on the thousands of things running inside his head at the same time. A mixture of feelings so violent, so convoluted. It confuses a lot of people, not excluding Jihoon.

Since not everyone finds his train of thoughts bearable, he often wouldn't let it show to keep the burden to his own. But Jihoon thinks otherwise. He found it less of a burden and more of a curious quality to Soonyoung's complex nature. Like a puzzle that looks obvious, but in reality is difficult to solve.

"That's a lot to think at once," Jihoon replied as he gave a small nod to Soonyoung. "Walk me through your mind, Soonyoung. One thought at a time."

Soonyoung stared back at Jihoon. He blinked a few times before starting to speak again.

"Okay. So. What if... it ends? What if it's not long until it ends?" Soonyoung said. "The fan said, in 50 years. And you know what? We're through 5 years already. 10 if we count the trainee days. That's one fifth of 50 years. We've only got 4 times more left."

"Amazing math."

"Right?" Soonyoung replied. "So, I was thinking.. Do we get to last that long? What if, at max, it will be 20 years from now? We'll be 44 by then. That's not so far ahead. A few blinks and we're already there."

"I see," Jihoon replied, trying to follow Soonyoung's train of thoughts. "So that's what made you sad?"

"Well, to think that one day we won't be able to continue all this anymore... Doesn't it make you sad?"

"..Yeah, it does."

"Seventeen is my youth. You are my youth. And realising that we're not going to be able to do this forever is making me.. so..."

As Soonyoung trailed off, Jihoon's heart ached a little.

He knew exactly what Soonyoung was talking about. It had been on everyone's mind - the fact that as things take off, the inevitable countdown had started, too.

There's no knowing when it will happen. The hard truth would appear from time to time like a reminder, often at early mornings, at the studio, when Jihoon was alone. At first, he tried to externalise it through writing lyrics. Think of it like fuel, he would often pretend. But there's no denying that it breaks his heart too much every time he tried to immortalise these feelings in form of words. After a few failures, he decided to stop trying. He realised how didn't want to create another reminder for the inevitable.

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung, who had fallen back on the bed. He watched in silence as Soonyoung's chest rise and fall with every breath he took, the small shivering of his hands. He followed the movement of the swaying curtain as the wind blew from outside the window. He listened to the faint ticking sound from his watch.

Will there be time when we can no longer enjoy each other's presence in silence?

After a while, Soonyoung sat up and stared at Jihoon. He gave Jihoon another smile, this time a sad one.

"Even you don't have an answer to it, right?"

"...What am I, an AlphaGo?" Jihoon scoffed. "I also don't know the answer to everything. Or the right step to take. I just bluff my way through."

"I'll take any pretend-solution you have in your head." Soonyoung dropped himself to the floor and sat closer to Jihoon, hugging his legs.

"Well, if you insist.. There's this one stupid thought. You can't laugh about it." Jihoon pointed his finger at Soonyoung.

"Okay, I won't," Soonyoung replied. "Shoot away."

Jihoon cleared his throat before he began talking. "What if we think of a second journey for us?"

Soonyoung tilted his head in response, letting Jihoon to go on.

"See... We know all this will be over once my back doesn't stop hurting and your hip finally gave out. So, what if we plan the next phase once that happens?"

"Next phase?"

"Yeah. We'll find something else we can do," Jihoon replied. "Maybe something still about music. Maybe something completely unrelated? It doesn't need to make sense for now. It just needs to be our next goal so that nothing can be really over."

Jihoon's last sentence resonated in Soonyoung's mind. Can it be true? That nothing can ever be over for us?

"We still have a lot of things we can do, right? You've always said you wanted to give farming a shot."

"Farming...?" Soonyoung mumbled.

"Yeah, that. Maybe it's something we can do, I don't know," Jihoon replied with a shrug and a blank, unreadable face.

Like hell he'd go into farming with me. He's too talented to waste it like that.

Soonyoung thought how he had always been vocal about the things he wants to do. Dancing. Singing. Producing songs. For all these things, Jihoon had always been there. By his side, as his partner. He'd always had someone to turn to when things get hard. But what if that changes too, one day?

"What would I do if you're not there?" Soonyoung said.

"Huh?"

"I don't want you to do just anything.. for the sake of it. At least I know that. But I also can't imagine not having you around."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because farming is probably the least on your mind, Jihoon." Soonyoung said, his eyes grew sad. "Let's be honest. We all have different interests, and it's not like there's anything forcing you to stick with whatever I decide to do. Realistically, you still have so much to do even when this is over.. But me, probably not so much."

"I'm afraid that once we go on our own ways.. we'll probably grow apart, right? Since we won't see each other's faces as much as we do now. Will there be a day when we forget about each other? The thought scares me. A lot."

"I don't want to forget you." Soonyoung's voice was barely audible, but Jihoon heard every word of it.

"Kwon Soonyoung." Jihoon said with a stern voice.

Unsure as to why the use of his full name, his face grew serious.

"Why would you assume I would be the one to leave you?" Jihoon's voice became rougher. "What if you were the one to leave? Do you think that had never crossed my mind?"

Soonyoung froze.

"Do you think I never feared about you leaving?" Jihoon continued. "I used to have those thoughts, too. That what we have now will become too static and boring for you. That one day you will grow too big for this... nest? That you'll need to fly away to chase even bigger dreams. That I'm the one holding you back."

Soonyoung looked back at Jihoon, a sliver of slight anger apparent on his face.

"You realise how stupid this sounds, right?" Jihoon said.

Of course it's stupid.

How could you ever think that you would hold me back?

"But that's just human," Jihoon said, his voice softened. "We're stupid. We're full of regrets. And doubts. Sometimes we can't get rid of those. Sometimes those are just forever dwelling inside our heads. But you can't let your thoughts make you think less of me."

How can I think less of you, when sometimes you're all I think about?

"Sure, the idea of me farming does sound stupid. Stupid, but doable. And very much possible. If you really think about it, I would probably do better than you?"

You'll probably be better at it than me, but I don't mind.

"You realise that it's just in your head, right?" Jihoon said. "You haven't even asked me if I wanted to do it or not. So don't leave me out of the picture like that."

Soonyoung gave Jihoon another smile, this time a happier one. He wasn't too sure how talking about farming can help him feel better about the future, but it did.

Jihoon said he doesn't always have the right answers for everything, but it seems like he always has the right answers for Soonyoung. When Soonyoung would turn frustrated from being sad and wanted to recover as soon as possible, he would pretend things were fine.

But Jihoon never rushed him. Instead, he lets Soonyoung sit in sadness. He navigates Soonyoung through his thoughts to reach his deeper feelings, to find out what is the root of his frustration. He taught Soonyoung that it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Because that way, we can make room for happier days, he would say.

I guess this is why I felt so down, Soonyoung thought. How could I imagine living a day without the person who made me who I am today?

"Okay, I won't," Soonyoung said. "That's a promise, right? That you'd come with me wherever I go. Be it a farm or anywhere else."

"Yeah, sure," Jihoon answered.

"I'm sorry I said all that without thinking about you."

"No need to be sorry."

" I just... well, you're right. These thoughts are inevitable. But it felt nice to talk it out," Soonyoung said. "Thank you for listening, Jihoon."

"It's no big deal. It's just a normal talk," Jihoon replied.

"It was a big deal to me," Soonyoung said. "Because now I know how much our Jihoonie thinks about me."

"Shut up," Jihoon said, unable to hold back a growing grin upon seeing the sorrow leaving Soonyoung's face.

"Anyway, Jeonghan called you here, right?" Soonyoung said as he scratched the back of his head. "Sorry.. You must've been working."

In a split second, Jihoon moved forward and flicked Soonyoung's forehead. It barely hurt, but Soonyoung let out an "ouch" instinctively, wincing his eyes as he rubbed his forehead.

He opened his eyes to Jihoon with furrowed eyebrows and lips curled into a pout.

"Stop saying sorry for needing people to listen to you."

Soonyoung let out a small laugh. "Okay, I won't. I'm just sorry that it always had to be you."

And I hope it will stay that way forever.

"I don't mind."

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