Archive of Our Own

"Ahh, I'm done for the day!"

Soonyoung turns around to the source of voice.

He sees Chan who has now plopped down on the floor, panting heavily after dancing with him for hours on. Soonyoung smiles, then focuses back to the mirror in front of him. His arms start to move instinctively, imitating the motion of waves and then connecting it to his steps. He repeats his movements a few more times, making sure everything is imprinted onto his brain along with thousands other dance routines he's learned for the past 9 years.

"You did well, Chan."

"You too, hyung!" Chan replies as he rolls his drained body to the other side of the practice room. His hand reaches for his phone inside his bag and takes it out to look at the time.

"10 pm?! No wonder I'm soo starving..."

Hmm. It's been 6 hours then, Soonyoung notes. 

"What should we eat?" asks Chan as he scrolls on his phone.

"I'll eat later," Soonyoung replies in between his movements.

"Seriously?" Chan looks at Soonyoung in disbelief. "I know we had late lunch, but you're not hungry yet?"

"Yeah, I'm good." Soonyoung inserts a shrugging motion into his routine in response.

"You know what? I've been curious," Chan says. "Why do you always need to eat with Jihoon hyung?"

Soonyoung's dancing slowly comes to a halt. He looks at Chan, and starts to ponder on how to go with the question that everyone asks all the time. The question he used to ask himself for a while. The question that used to make him wonder if there's even an answer for it.

"Not always," Soonyoung decides to say.

"You're basically here practicing until he's done with work. Why do you wait for him?"

Why I wait for him when I could've eaten by myself?

Soonyoung's mind wanders back to his earlier years - to when Soonyoung and Jihoon eating together was not a regular occurrence. 

//

It was always us, somehow. The ones left behind, spending more hours to work on what we're lacking but others don't see. They call us workaholics, perfectionists, high-achievers - while all we did was just trying to distract ourselves from the anxiety residing at the back of our minds.

//

"5, 6, 7, and jump!"

Jihoon jumped high and landed with wobbly feet.

Damn it.

Huffing, he started scanning around the practice room. Mingyu and Wonwoo looked like they did a great job. Seungcheol was struggling, but at least he aced his landing. As for Soonyoung - as always, perfect sync with the choreographer after the first hour of practice.

Jihoon looked down at his feet and tried to mimic the correct landing position. It should be like this... isn't it? How the hell are you supposed to do it?

He then looked back at the mirror wall and this time, found Soonyoung staring at him. Soonyoung shot Jihoon a meek smile and scratched his head.

"..You almost got it," Soonyoung said as he approached Jihoon.

"Yeah?" Jihoon watched Soonyoung getting into position beside him.

"Yes!" Soonyoung started to reenact the move Jihoon was struggling with. "You just need to twist it a bit like this, and as you land, you turn-"

"I'll be leaving now. Good job, everyone!"

Soonyoung and Jihoon turned to the source of voice. The choreographer who they had been practicing with for the past 5 hours was standing before the door, waving goodbye to everyone in the room.

"You've worked hard!" The members stopped dancing and bowed 90 degrees simultaneously. Everyone was looking exhausted and ready to end the long day.

"It went pretty well today, right?" Seungcheol said as he stretched his tired arms.

"Thank God we can finish early," Mingyu replied. "Should we go get dinner now?"

"Agreed," said Wonwoo.

Jihoon let out a sigh. Practice time is over, yet I still haven't caught up with everyone else. Why do I fall behind so much these days?

"You guys go ahead, I'll practice a little bit more."

Everyone turned their heads to Soonyoung, who had went back to dancing in front of the mirror.

"Wow.. You still have energy?" Mingyu said, astounded.

Wonwoo chuckled as he packed his bags. "That's Soonyoung for you."

"You're coming?" Seungcheol asked Jihoon.

"Uhh.. I think I'm staying back too."

Upon hearing Jihoon's answer, Soonyoung glanced at him through the mirror. Jihoon was standing there awkwardly with both hands inside the pocket of his sweatpants, seemingly lost in thought.

If he had to be honest, he wanted Soonyoung to teach him more. But a part of him wondered if he would just be in Soonyoung's way.

Well, if anything, I'll just practice on my own.

"Yeaaahhh, Jihoon!!"

Soonyoung's sudden shout surprised everyone in the room.

"Ah, sorry, sorry. I was just excited to practice some more~" Soonyoung said in a sing-song voice.

Jihoon paused and tried to re-evaluate his decision. It hadn't been long since Soonyoung joined the company, and compared to the other three members, he hadn't spent time with Soonyoung a lot, even during practice. Would this be a good idea?

"Well then, good luck with the practice!" Mingyu exclaimed. Soonyoung waved and went to turn the music back on at the corner of the room. Before walking away, Seungcheol mouthed to Jihoon: Talk a lot with him! as he pointed to Soonyoung's direction. Jihoon grimaced in response, waving back to them until they closed the door.

Jihoon heard the music filling in the room. He turned around to find Soonyoung already absorbed in dancing. The way Soonyoung moves had always awed him, as much as it did a month ago when he secretly watched Soonyoung's audition. The sharp turns and angles. The amount of confidence beaming through his eyes. Now that he was looking at it closer, it was clear as day that they were just built different. Have I not been trying hard enough?

"What are you doing?"

"Huh?" Jihoon snapped back to reality. He looked at Soonyoung who was staring at him.

"Let's start. You want to work on the jumping part, right?"

Jihoon frowned before saying, "Don't you have something else you want to practice as well?"

"Hmm?" Soonyoung looked back at Jihoon through the mirror. "I just thought you wanted to go over it with me."

"You skipped dinner for this?"

"Yeah. Why?" Soonyoung said with a blank look on his face. "We can just grab dinner together after this. It's a date."

Jihoon grimaced once again, mourning what he thought was one of his worse decisions.

//

Just like that, it became a habit. For us to stay longer after practice, because it seemed like time was all we had back then. For us to eat together, and get to know each other better. Just like that, we became each other's support as we sprint towards our dream. It was always us, until our world turned upside down in a blink of an eye.

//

"Finally.... done." Jihoon said to himself in triumph, which sounded more like a defeat due to the tiredness in his voice.

He stretched his body and let out a big yawn. It felt like a long time since he hadn't left the studio. Ever since Seventeen got to debut, he was thrilled to make more music for the fans. As the hours he spent in the small room began to grow, he began to see less familiar faces around him. He barely had time to go to practice, only showing up when required before he dragged his feet back to the studio or recording room.

Not being able to practice dancing as much had made him feel bitter, sometimes. Thinking back, he grew to enjoy the extra hours he used to spend brushing up on his dancing. At one point, Jihoon was considered as one of the Performance team members, which he took as a big compliment. Being able to be on par with Soonyoung was not an easy feat, after all.

But now he had to settle with staying in front of the computer all day. I'll definitely get rusty in no time. Hell, maybe I already am.

After saving his files, Jihoon moved his chair away from the desk and laid down on the sofa to stretch his legs. He reached for his phone to check the notifications. Most of the messages he received were about work, which made him sigh. He didn't want to be ungrateful by complaining about how busy he got, but he did miss the times when things were simpler.

Jihoon then opened the messaging app and saw the red badge numbered "99+" beside Seventeen's group chat name. Jihoon's thumb hovered above it, wondering if anyone was still awake to accompany him to eat at 2am in the morning.

He decided to open the group chat and texted "I'm starving" along with an emoji.

After sending the message, he scrolled back upwards to catch up with the events he missed: Mingyu complaining about mountains of dirty dishes in the sink, Seungkwan accusing everyone of stealing the brand new shirt he'd just bought only to find out he had left the bag in Hansol's room, and last but not least Jun and his daily meme selfies. Jihoon smiled and kept skimming through the chat. He reached the bottom when he stumbled upon a recently sent photo.

His thumb stopped in motion. He just stared at the picture. It was a normal photo. Of Soonyoung and Wonwoo eating dinner together. Along with the message, "We ate meat earlier, sorry Jihoon ♥".

But why did my stomach lurch upon seeing this?

Maybe because Soonyoung, of all people, should know how much Jihoon hated eating alone. Thinking back, it had been a long time since he had eaten together with Soonyoung. Ever since he stopped spending extra time practicing dance, and ever since Jihoon's day and night turned 180 degrees.

Jihoon slowly frowned, unsure with whatever thought was forming in his mind. He despised having to eat by himself, but it's not like I'm going to die from it, he thought. Even better - he could choose whatever menu he wanted without having to give way. Maybe he could try out the new ramyeon dish that he saw on the someone else's post earlier.

But why do I feel sad?

Jihoon took another look at his phone. Soonyoung sent another text in the group message.

"Do you want us to go eat with you?"

"It's OK, I'll eat by myself," Jihoon replied.

//

Did we grow apart?

I think we did, even for just a brief period of time. It was enough time for you to allow yourself to overthink once again. About things you shouldn't have to. When we do cross path, you felt cold and distant once again. When you didn't need to. It was almost as if we had gone back in time when we didn't know each other, but somehow worse than being plain strangers. Feels like I know you, but I also don't?

//

Fast forward one week, and Jihoon was still holed up in the studio. He was fretting with the song he was working on when he received a text message. He texted back instantly, trying to get a small relief from the knot inside his head.

Just as Jihoon was typing, he heard a knock on the door. He turned around and found Soonyoung's head popping from behind the door.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

Jihoon responded with a small nod, then swivelled back to his computer. Took him years, he thought. He cleared his throat and started to fiddle with his mouse, navigating around the computer screen with no clear intention.

Soonyoung sat down on the sofa quietly. Jihoon can feel Soonyoung staring at the computer screen, uttering sounds of admiration from behind.

Soonyoung hadn't been coming to the studio as much as Jihoon thought he would. It was only his third visit, excluding the times Soonyoung visited with the other members. God knows whatever kept him too busy to pay a visit every now and then.

"Have you eaten dinner?" Soonyoung broke the silence.

"No."

"Want to eat together?"

Jihoon shifted in his seat. He clicked his mouse a little more forcefully. Save project. Can't be too careful, can we? Save again. And again.

"Well, if you still want to work, I can wait until you're done," Soonyoung said as he propped a small pillow before leaning back on the sofa making himself comfortable. "Maybe I'll nap for a bit, since it's nice and cold here, might as well catch up on the hours we-"

"No need. Just go ahead and eat with someone else."

Surprised by Jihoon's blunt reply, Soonyoung sat up slowly. He stared at Jihoon's side profile, his clenched jaw was visible despite the dim room.

"Are you sure?"

Jihoon turned to see Soonyoung's concerned face.

"Yeah. No need to wait for me."

"But I want to."

"It'll take long. It's.. not working well."

"All the more reason to take a break, right?" Soonyoung said.

Jihoon sighed. He knew Soonyoung was right, but he didn't want to admit it. But why? Why do I make things harder for myself and snap at people for no reason?

"Are you mad at me?"

"..Why do you say that?"

"Well, because we haven't spent time together recently, and just now you said you didn't want to eat with me..."

Jihoon's mind flew back to Soonyoung's unanswered text messages on his phone. He wasn't trying to ignore him intentionally, but he had been feeling weird ever since that day. Even though Soonyoung was just eating with someone else. It's not like he can't do that, Jihoon thought. He knew full well how ridiculous it would be to make a big deal out of nothing.

Still, whenever the thought crossed his mind, he felt like a knot was tightened inside his chest. But he didn't know why, which was probably why it pissed him off and it got everywhere. To his work, and to Soonyoung.

"I'm not."

"Come on, Jihoon. I know you better than that." Soonyoung said. "It's okay, you can tell me everything. I'll be fine! Anything goes. I'm ready for it."

Jihoon stared back at Soonyoung, who was then looking at him with earnest eyes. He weighed the pros and cons in his head.

Pros: Soonyoung might be okay with it, probably will help me stop worrying about this, and definitely will stop him from burdening me with the doe-eyed look.

Cons: Making myself sound like the most selfish person in the world.

Ugh, whatever. I guess it's worth it.

"No judging?"

"None. It stays in this room. My lips are sealed," Soonyoung said as he motioned zipping his mouth.

Jihoon took a deep breath. "Okay. So. It was.. that one time, when I said I was hungry in the group chat."

"When I told you I ate with Wonwoo?"

Jihoon saw Soonyoung's face fell as he said those words. He dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Yeah, that. I don't know why.. but it made me felt sad that you already ate. Before you say anything - I know it's stupid. And selfish. Just, plain absurd. I just... hate eating alone that much. I don't know why. And it made me sad. And it drives me crazy because I couldn't understand why I felt that way."

"Why didn't you just tell me that it made you sad?" Soonyoung asked.

"Because.. You would usually know without me telling," Jihoon said. "I don't know. You know I don't talk about how I feel that often. But you always knew anyway. So.. I thought you sort of knew, and you were just purposely ignoring me and didn't want to hang out with me."

"That's just taking me for granted."

"What?" Jihoon looked up, surprised.

"First of all, you are the fool for not telling me if I ever made you sad. Or mad. Just tell me! Then I won't do it anymore. Let's keep things simple, the way it always works between us. Okay?"

Jihoon nodded as he paid attention to Soonyoung's words.

"Secondly, of course I try my best to understand everyone. I try to be mindful of everyone's mood, so that all of us can get along. But I can't know everything, can I? If I did, I would just be a fortune-teller instead." Soonyoung chuckled. "I'm just a human after all, Jihoon."

Jihoon scrunched his forehead, trying to process all these information.

"Since we debuted, you got too caught up with producing music. Which is completely understandable, of course! It just.. made me kind of wary not to annoy you. Which is why I haven't been here a lot. Cause I don't want to be a nuisance."

"You're never one," Jihoon said.

"But you never said you liked having me around either."

Soonyoung's reply caught Jihoon off guard.

Oh my God. How bad has it been that Soonyoung had to question whether him being around me was okay to do?

"Sorry. For.. not letting you know how I feel," Jihoon decided to say. "I'm sorry you had to second guess everything until now. I just.. I really had it easy, not having to say anything and leave it to you to figure me out, right?"

Soonyoung laughed. "I don't mind. You're like an open book to me. Just that, some pages are really, really hard to read."

"I'm sorry. I'll tell you things from now on. And on that note.." Jihoon continued. "You're never annoying. Well, not enough to make me want to kick you out.. yet. But anyway, what I'm saying is... You're always welcome here, I guess."

"I'll make myself at home then," Soonyoung said as he smiled.

Jihoon chuckled. "As you wish."

"Anyway, about not asking you to eat with me.." Soonyoung scratched his head. "Actually, I was worried you weren't eating well, so I wanted to at least buy you food, but I was afraid I would be bothering you.. So I asked Chan what to do. He said, 'Some people prefer to eat by themselves! Maybe Jihoon hyung is like that, so don't bother him too much.'"

"..Ah. Well."

"I know. I shouldn't have gone to him for advice," Soonyoung said. "But he was the only one around back then."

"But I do think he's got a point," Jihoon said. "I mean, most people would be okay eating by themselves. Right? I'm just the weird one."

Soonyoung didn't reply. He leaned his head against the wall behind him and stared into the space. Jihoon leaned back as well, thinking hard as to why this bugs him so much.

Is it because I feel lonely when I eat alone? ..No, I don't think so. Is it because I want to talk to people as I eat? Is it because I'm afraid I'll choke from rice and have no one to save me? What is it??

"Jihoon?"

Upon hearing his name, Jihoon stopped pulling his hair and looked at Soonyoung, who was then staring at the ceiling.

"I think, maybe.. Just maybe," Soonyoung murmured, "you just liked sharing what you love with people around you, which makes you enjoy it even more?"

Jihoon tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You also don't like watching movies alone. Or walking around by yourself. But you enjoy all that when you're not alone," Soonyoung continues. "So, perhaps... You feel like time is better spent if it is with others? With people you care about? Because you like to see them being happy. With you."

Wait, Jihoon thought. That sort of makes sense. I do feel happy by making people around me happy. Is that why I'm so adamant to eat with other people? To make sure they're eating good food, which in turn makes me happy?

"....Huh." Jihoon raised his eyebrows. "You never fail to astound me, Soonyoung."

"Why?" Soonyoung turned his gaze to Jihoon, who was looking at him with a dumbfounded smile on his face.

"You might be right. That might be me. Did you just solve my life's puzzle?"

"I did?" Soonyoung shot Jihoon a sheepish grin.

How can this person know so many things about me that even I didn't know? Jihoon thought. I've been struggling with this for a week and it took him 5 minutes to figure it out?

Just then, Soonyoung sat up and scooted closer to Jihoon. He leaned to the side, rested his chin on his left hand and just stared at Jihoon.

Perplexed, all Jihoon managed to say was only, "...What."

"All this time, you felt sad and wanted to eat with me.. So, does that mean I am one of those people you care about the most?" Soonyoung asked, a soft smile slowly forming on his face.

Jihoon felt a lurch in his stomach. However, this time, there were butterflies.

//

You had said, you took me for granted. You held an expectation against me that I failed to meet. You said you were disappointed in yourself that you let that get into your head.

But did you know how much I wanted you to expect something from me?

That I wanted you to have the authority to feel whatever it is - be it contentment, anticipation, jealousy - against my actions, and know that you have the right to do so. Because we're not just strangers. We're not just two human beings entwined in something they call fate. Instead, we are two people who had chosen to be in each other's presence. During crucial times, like when our anxiety hit peaks; when we became our own worst critic; when we need to be pulled out from the quicksand we made. And during trivial moments, like breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.

//

"So why do you always need to eat with Jihoon hyung?"

Chan's question brings Soonyoung back from the flashbacks. He smiles and says, "Why not?"

"Well, he can just find someone else to eat with if you're not available. Or he can just eat by himself, right?"

"You know he doesn't like that." Soonyoung walks to Chan's direction. He takes a towel from his bag and wipes the sweat from his face.

"See, that.. That's also weird," Chan says. "What's wrong with eating alone? I actually enjoy that a lot."

"Then you should go eat by yourself since you enjoy it so much, Mr. Lee Chan~" Soonyoung says jokingly as he put his hand on Chan's shoulder. 

"Sure, Mr. Kwon Soonyoung." Chan sneers at Soonyoung and starts packing his belongings. "Enjoy waiting until the early morning, since you enjoy it so much~"

Just then, a beep comes from Soonyoung's phone. He opens his phone and smiles.

"Seems like I don't have to wait until the morning."