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Between everything that had happened the last few weeks, Beth felt like she was living in a whirlwind of mixed emotion. Between Fitzpatrick putting her back on his schedule, Rio forcing her to come up with her own system to wash cash, and the audacity of Rio flirting with her and offering to join him in one of the hot tubs, she felt like she was living in the twilight zone. It was like circumstances were changing at every given moment, and she couldn’t catch a break since Rio returned, or appeared to begin with.
As she stood in her kitchen pouring herself a finger of Bourbon while the kids were with Dean and his mom, Rio’s voice ran through her head.
“I’ll take a dip.”
“Okay”
“You wanna join me?”
She couldn’t get him out of her head. She tried to distract herself by thinking of all the negative things Rio has done. Killing Lucy, and innocent sweet girl. Stealing her furniture, turning her world completely upside down, and trying to ease himself into every business opportunity she tried to make her own.
“When does it get to be mine?”
“When does what get to be yours?”
“I made all of this happen.”
“Next time empty the clip.”
Beth downs her Bourbon while sinking further into her thoughts, and continues to pour out another glass and process her current life situation. She feels conflicted. She hates Rio, but at the same time, she is infatuated and drawn to him. It’s almost as if he is the chaos that keeps her grounded. Is it possible to want someone to thrive and suffer at the same time? She considers her feelings for Rio, and compares them to Dean, which is a slippery slope to go down whether she is drinking or sober.
Dean makes her feel emptiness. He doesn’t recognize her strengths, or encourage her to grow personally. With him, she feels a sense of comfort, but only because time can bring that, and 20 years will bring you comfort. Dean doesn’t encourage her to grow as a person. She felt bored, as if a part of her died a long time ago, and she was a robot doing the same thing over and over. Care for the kids (and Dean), cook, bake, PTA, school rounds, repeat. She felt invaluable. In a room of people with Dean, she felt like a stranger all alone. She knew there was some missing, and knew there was more to life than this--- whatever this is--- cycle.
Rio’s stare and hooded eyes make her feel like they are the only ones in a room of people. Their eye contact alone is like their own silent communication method. She feels she is intertwined with Rio, more than she has felt with anyone else, and that goes deeper than just in the crime world. It’s like he knows her, like he really knows her, in a way that Dean never can. Before robbing Fine and Frugal, she thought of herself struggling a float in the middle of the deep blue ocean. It’s not like she was struggling because of the waves, but because she felt lost at sea and alone waiting for more to come. Almost as if she was waiting for some form of adrenaline of change in routine to save her from herself and the mess Dean had put her family in. She needed something to change, or at least something to be optimistic about.
And then Rio came along. Sure it was on accident, but looking back it is almost as if it was for a reason. Beth used to believe in cliches such as, “Everything happens for a reason.”, but as time ran on she lost that belief. This time, she might make an exception though. She considers what her life has looked like the past year and a half as she pours another finger of Bourbon.
When Rio and his boys first arrived at her home demanding their money back, it felt like the waves in her envisioned blue sea began to pick up. The blue waves transitioned into red as she grew deeper into this dark and sometimes violent world of crime. Initially she felt she was too blue to be in this red world of his, but that didn’t stop him from pulling her under the waves. And at first, it felt like she was drowning, or like she was trying to learn how to swim in a Tsunami, but Rio believed in her like no one else ever has, almost as he knew she was capable of growth and becoming a “boss bitch” as he likes to say. After a while, she didn’t feel like she was drowning anymore, no. She felt empowered, in a way she has never experienced before. She felt good at something, and was overwhelmed with the addiction of adrenaline that accompanied this deep red sea Rio continued to pull her into. She can’t say she hasn’t enjoyed it, that she hasn’t enjoyed him.
Beth let’s out a deep sigh. Maybe she doesn’t hate him. But she can’t name those feelings. The ability to name what they have-- well whatever they have--- makes it feel too real and vulnerable. Like maybe it’s not all in her head, and that it has never been and never will be as simple as work.
He makes her feel alive. She feels electrified, as if all of her nerve endings are on fire. Rio is sin personified, but she can never feel satisfied enough to let him go. This thought directs her full circle to her presenting problem. Why is she trying to kill Rio, or yet pay someone else to kill him for her? She doesn’t feel threatened by him anymore, in fact he said it himself. He needs her. Whether it be to print, wash, of simply tease and torture, she doesn’t think he would really turn in that gun she touched. He has saved her more times than anything. Maybe she has been afraid of her own feelings all this time, she considers. Running from them is much easier than addressing them. Maybe she still feels the guilt she has tried to tuck away from the night at his loft. Maybe she just needs to heal from that, but that's the thing. Healing never ends, it ebbs and flows, like tilde waves of blue and red joining together as one, and lately she feels she is swimming willfully deeper and deeper into the red, darkness consuming her and the lightness in her fading.
She considers her current closest, and after all of her belongings were stolen, she opted for darker shades, (specifically black) clothing rather than her old bright and floral numbers she would have gravitated towards a year and a half ago.
Then it hits her, as if everything has come full circle and moon and sea align. Regardless if Rio is alive or six feet under, she will forever feel connected to him. He influences her in more ways she can imagine. What she wears, how she acts, what she drinks. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin after all, she thinks.
Beth guzzles the remainder of her Bourbon, when her phone buzzes. She looks down to see an unknown number texted her.
“I put you back on the schedule for next Friday morning at 11am.”
She doesn’t need to ask who it is, because she already knew it’s Fitzpatrick. She feels her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach, and her stomach begin to churn at the thought of following through with the hit. She tries to distract herself by looking through the other texts she missed while pondering her life events. Annie, Ruby, Dean, and Rio. She clicks on the text Rio sent her.
“So when can we take a dip? For real, ma.”
The corner of Beth’s mouth form a smirk, and she exits out of his text. She takes in a deep breath and clicks back to the text thread from Fitzpatrick to respond.
“Don’t. I want to cancel it. Keep the money.” she types out and hits send before she can think twice about her decision.
Within moments, her phone buzzes again with a text from Fitzpatrick. “This is why I don’t do jilted lovers. I will cancel your order.”
Beth feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She isn’t sure which way the tide will pull in this next chapter with Rio, but she is willing to ride the waves to figure it out with him. She tosses her phone back on the counter, and grabs the rest of the Bourbon to watch Housewives until she drifts to sleep.