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James dropped his bag on the floor next to his desk, scooting in next to Remus as Professor Sartori flicked the door closed and shot him a look. A seat over, Sirius snickered.
‘Don’t get too comfortable,’ James whispered underneath Sartori’s welcome, his eyes skimming the room until he spotted a sheen of red hair in the front corner, ‘You’ll be getting yours in kind soon enough.’ He stealthily handed tiny pies to Peter and Remus, pointedly skipping over Sirius, who elbowed him.
‘What did you do?’ Peter inquired, wide-eyed.
Sirius shushed him. ‘I’ll tell you later.’
‘—as you’ve now mastered the suite of wordless counterjinxes, we’ll be turning to high-level defenses against Dark creatures.’ Sartori’s voice cut through the wisps of conversation emanating from the back of the room. ‘We’ll begin with the Patronus, a particularly exhausting spell that requires a great deal of self-awareness, concentration, and attention.’
The enunciation of this last word caught the boys mid-bicker, and their three heads snapped up, prim as could be, staring sweetly at Sartori as if they had heard the entire opening diatribe of this Thursday morning class instead of trading barbs about pranks and counterpranks to pull on one another in the halls. Remus, eyes already ahead and intent on their inexhaustible professor, smirked.
‘Does anyone know which creature the Patronus wards off?’
Remus lifted his hand, but Lily’s hit the air first. James leaned forward on the desk, as though an extra inch would allow him to hear her response that much more quickly.
‘Ms. Evans, please.’
Sirius threw a pencil at James’s head. He swatted it and scowled.
‘The Patronus defends you from dementors,’ Lily paused, clearly about to continue.
Marlene cut in, ‘It’s also a rather good way to send someone a message, if you’d like to scare the wits out of them with a giant silver animal loping after them on the front lawn.’ Lily blushed, and Dorcas rapped her knuckles on Marlene’s arm, hushing her.
Message? James’s hands thrummed against the front edge of his desk. Has someone been sending her messages? Has she sent someone her Patronus? What a roundabout way to get someone’s attention. His thoughts thrashed about wildly. Has she already learned to do a Patronus? No, we’d never hear the end of it.
‘Excellent, Ms. Evans. Take five points. We are, of course, more concerned with the defensive properties this morning, Ms. McKinnon, rather than haphazard modes of communication or gos-sip,’ at Sartori’s articulation of the last syllable, James sat back in his seat, befuddled by the odd addendum of information.
‘The incantation is Expecto Patronum. A bit of a mouthful, perhaps, but nothing unconquerable,’ Sartori continued. ‘Expecto Patronum.’ A large silver bear emerged from the tip of his wand. ‘The words are not enough, of course, they rely on certain self-awareness, that deep personal reflection I mentioned.’
Marlene sniffed, ‘Right, because this lot is capable of deep personal reflection. Sirius Black can’t be trusted with a mirror, let alone an opportunity to wank on about his inner psychology.’ The class tittered. Sirius threw another pencil at the back of Marlene’s head—where does he get all these pencils if he keeps chucking them round the classroom?—but Dorcas caught it and sent it flying again. Sartori flicked his wand and all the pencils in the room, including the half dozen from Sirius’s bag and pockets, zoomed to the front, clattering on his desk in a tidy pyramid. He continued, entirely unbothered.
‘Thankfully, this is a wands-out day, no written theory required. To my point, Ms. McKinnon, a Patronus is the manifestation of goodness and light. It defends you from Dementors, and perhaps other Dark creatures who thrive in darkness, grief, and sorrow, by providing them a shield of pure joy. Conjuring a Patronus requires you to conjure up the strongest memories of happiness in your lives.’
‘Should be a laugh,’ Sirius growled, ‘I’ve had quite the jolly old time. Moons, you’ll be well sorted too. Just havta worry about Prongs and Wormy, they’ve suffered ever so terribly.’ Peter snorted, and Remus reached over James’s shoulders to whack Sirius on his head. Sirius responded in kind, wobbling on the back legs of his chair and, out of habit, James absent-mindedly steadied the seat with his hand.
‘If you could all take a moment, then, to reflect on a few strong, happy memories. Perhaps when you learned you were a witch or wizard, or the first time you came to Hogwarts, though I wouldn’t be foolish to assume that all of you regard your entrance into formal education as a joyful experience. Am I correct, Mr. Black?’ Marlene guffawed and Sartori smiled serenely, pleased at his joke.
Sirius placed a hand on his chest in mock concern. ‘Professor, please, you know as well as anyone that I am utterly humbled by the magnificence of this fine institution, upheld by the incomparable instruction exemplified by none other than yourself.’ The compliments rolled off his tongue without missing a beat, topped with a gracious smile for Sartori and a wink for Remus.
Sartori replied in kind: ‘With that affirmation at our backs, do take a moment to reflect, then pair off and begin practicing the incantation. I’ll be around with suggestions, and prepare for a demonstration at the end of class.’ Everyone groaned and stood, and their desks slid neatly to the sides of the room. ‘Off you go!’
‘Right then,’ Sirius clapped his hands together, ‘Should be a breeze. Shall we kick our feet in and wing it at the end of class?’
~
‘They’re just fussing about, they’re not even doing anything,’ Marlene grumbled.
Dorcas had produced a Patronus nearly immediately. Marlene succeeded ten minutes thereafter. With only twenty minutes remaining in the lesson, Lily yet had managed wisps of silver. She glanced over her shoulder and saw the boys holed up in the back corner. They’d pushed a few desks away from the wall, Peter seated primly next to Sirius, who had his legs up on the tabletop where James was leaning, wisps of silver shooting out of their wands. Remus was the only one standing and imploring the others to actually do anything, to no effect.
‘Just leave it,’ she shrugged, turning back to her friends. ‘What are their failing marks to us? Besides, everyone else is fussing about as well.’ Marlene grumbled and fiddled with her wand. The classroom was indeed chaotic, with 20-some-odd students attempting their Patronuses. Silver mist clouded in front of their classmates’ faces only to dissipate and be replaced by more silver mist. The girls opened a window near their front corner to breathe air into the musty room. The chill cleared Lily’s mind.
‘I’d rather be spared their howling this evening when they moan about falling behind.’
‘How magnanimous of you.’
Dorcas straightened and shushed them as Sartori made the rounds to their group.
‘How are we coming along, my dears?’
‘I think rather well, Professor, thank you. If I may ask, sir, what’s the significance of your Patronus? Or, er—’ Dorcas stumbled at the potential intrusion of a personal question, ‘—rather, what is the significance of the form of a Patronus in general?’
‘Wonderful question, Ms. Meadowes. The Ussuri brown bears are native to my island of Hokkaido, and I encountered them while hiking as a child. I associate quite a few happy memories in the woods near my home. May I ask the same of you, my dear?’
‘Well, mine’s also a bear, but I don’t have much experience with bears. I grew up in a country village, you see.’
‘Ah, well, the form of the Patronus may have less to do with your relationship to that particular animal, per se, but rather the characteristics the two of you share. If I were to surmise about the bear, for instance, bears are curious creatures that stand their ground and protect their own. Does that resonate with you at all?’
Dorcus smiled shyly, ‘I suppose so, Professor.’
Sartori nodded. ‘And you, my dears, any success?’
Marlene glanced up from what had grown into an impressive wand-twirling routine from mindless fiddling. ‘Lion,’ she said passively.
‘I dare say no surprise there, Ms. McKinnon. Ms. Evans?’
Dorcas and Marlene looked at Lily, who shifted under their gaze. ‘No luck, sir,’ She bandied her hand towards the classroom, ‘Too many distractions.’ Marlene snickered, and Dorcas bopped her on the head with her wand, shushing her to attention. Lily attempted the charm once again, but her wand emitted only silver mist.
‘Ah, well, real-world use of the Patronus does not wait for a calm and collected moment. You must carry that calmness in yourself! Might I ask the memory you’re using?’
‘Erm,’ Lily squirmed. She glanced away, across the room to where the boys were now spraying each other with silver liquid. It didn’t look remotely related to the Patronus silver. Remus had given up and pulled out another desk out for himself, thumbing through a textbook with an inscrutable cover. James was shooting silver rings out of his wand as Sirius lobbed pencils through the rings. Where did he even get the pencils? She shook her head. ‘The moment I learned I was a witch.’ Dorcas nodded and grabbed Marlene’s hand, leading them over to the Ravenclaw girls near the next window, one of whom had just produced a Hippogriff. Dorcas started rattling off qualities of a Hippogriff to rapt attention and occasional giggles.
‘A wonderful moment, indeed. You are Muggle-born, my dear. Would that memory not hold sadness in it as well?’
Lily bristled, suddenly aware of how alone she was in their corner of the room, ‘Excuse me, sir?’ She had never taken Sartori to be so prejudiced.
‘You misunderstand me. Learning of your magic is a thrilling moment, without a doubt. Embracing the enormity of the new world without the comfort of your family can be quite the undertaking. Much like moving to a new country, perhaps, or enrolling in an unfamiliar school. It can be lonely, being Muggle-born,’ a serious look flashed underneath Sartori’s infamously serene face. He is the most placid man, Lily thought. Totally unruffled by our antics. It’s no mystery how he’s lasted in this job this long. ‘With many years since that moment, perhaps the more sobering realities of being a witch have arisen.’
‘I, er—I,’ Lily hesitated to find the right words to respond. She laughed uncertainly, keen to offset his scrutiny. ‘I didn’t expect psychoanalysis in this class, Professor.’
Sartori nodded. ‘Defense is as much about a cache of skills and spells as it is entire peace with oneself. You cannot hope to fight an enemy if your heart is caught in your throat. If your mind and body are calm, you have that much more control over yourself, and over others.’ Lily blinked, struck by the plainness of his words, but he continued, unbothered, ‘I like to think of the Patronus as a barometer of this calmness, a manifestation of that peace.’
She wasn’t sure she grasped the point. ‘So, you’re saying I should find a peaceful memory?’ Images rocketed around her mind: a flowering field outside her village; tromping through the snow with Dorcas in fourth year; sitting in the common room after midnight, basking in riotous laughter, the corner of a familiar smile upturned at her joke—
Sartori shook his head. ‘Peace is one kind of strength. I am being unclear. Your memories do not have to be devoid of sadness, rather, you must make peace with that sorrow in order to find strength—and power—in it. Dementors cannot feed on sadness and sorrow that you have already reconciled with. Is that clearer?’
Lily smiled, ‘You’ve never had an issue with being clear, Professor. I dare say it’s one of your strengths.’
Sartori laughed, ‘I find that obtuseness with teenagers is as useful as battling the Whomping Willow. Give it another try, Ms. Evans, we’ll be wrapping up in a few moments, and I would rather like to see Ms. Grayson’s Hippogriff for myself.’
Lily leaned against her desk alongside the window, looking down at the soggy grounds. The weekend wasn’t looking particularly tranquil. Make peace with sorrow, she thought. What does that even look like?
~
‘Your attention, please!’ Sartori flicked his wand and the remaining silver wisps dissolved presently. ‘We seem to have had overall success, and I am thrilled. The best part of mastering a Patronus is having a new silver friend to share with your classmates.’ Another flick, and the desks slid back into rows and the windows shut. Sirius, already seated, glided along with his desk as Peter laughed.
‘I love it when he does that,’ Sirius grinned. ‘Didn’t have to lift a finger.’ James rolled his eyes, stopping halfway round for an update from the front corner, where Lily was now tying her hair into a low bun.
The unflappable Sartori continued, ‘Let’s begin with our demonstrations. If you can produce a corporeal Patronus today, full marks. If not, your homework this weekend will be to perfect your technique, the recommendations on which can be found on page 402 of your practical textbook, and you’ll receive a second try first thing Monday morning before we move on. Ms. Abernathy, if you please.’
Katherine Abernathy stood on the dais and produced a silver giraffe. ‘Excellent, excellent,’ Sartori clapped. ‘Mr. Abernathy?’
Sirius turned to James, ‘You reckon twins share Patronus forms?’
Remus glared at them both from James’s other side. ‘You and James are as good as the same person and you’ve got different Patronuses. Why would you assume that they’re the same person just because they shared a womb?’
Sirius shrugged. ‘It’s worth half a thought.’
‘Half a thought and you wouldn’t’ve even asked,’ Remus shot back.
‘For what it’s worth, Lawrence’s Patronus was a bobcat,’ Peter piped up, miraculously paying attention to the front of the room rather than his bickering friends.
‘A giraffe and a bobcat, what a combination,’ Sirius mused. ‘Neither of those are indigenous to England. Makes you wonder what their summer holidays are like.’
‘Would you hush up? You’ll miss your turn,’ Remus said. James settled back into his seat. What a waste of a period, he thought glumly. Maybe I shouldn’t have sidestepped Sirius’s trap by the kitchens. Could have been fun figuring how to get out of it instead of faffing about for an hour. He gazed across the classroom at Lily, who was seated quietly and watching the demonstrations with polite attention. Her back was tense, and she fiddled with a loose strand from her bun, looping it around her finger under her chin. James ruffled the back of his own hair in concentration. I wonder if it’s worth asking her out this weekend. He stole a look outside, Or, better yet, I could ask her to stay in, avoid the gross weather, and we could cuddle up by the fire. Smuggle some sweets from the kitchen, save a few sickles. He smiled at the idea.
‘Mr. Black, if you please.’
Sirius rocked to his feet, grinning. ‘Alright lads, let’s rock,’ and he bounced to the front.
‘Quite jolly for someone who didn’t practice once the entire hour,’ Marlene huffed at him from her seat. Lily smiled placatingly and James’s heart swelled.
‘I’m filled with joll, love. The absolute jolliest,’ Sirius shot back as he leapt onto the dais. ‘Professor,’ he nodded solemnly. ‘Please do not let Ms. McKinnon’s infatuation with my academic failure detract from your admirable objective reasoning.’
Sartori didn’t blink. ‘Mr. Black, your Patronus.’
Sirius grinned, ‘Expecto Patronum,’ and an enormous shaggy silver dog erupted from his wand, bounded the perimeter of the room, and returned to Sirius’s side.
‘Well done, Mr. Black. Full marks.’
Marlene gaped. ‘Beginner’s luck, I suppose,’ tipping an invisible hat, Sirius hopped off the dais and skirted back to his seat.
‘You are such a prick,’ Remus grimaced. Sirius beamed. It was James’s turn to sigh.
The demonstrations continued without any more disturbances, save for the back-and-forth from Sirius and Remus on either side of him. Why did I sit between the two of them? A rookie fucking mistake.
Sartori worked steadily through the Cs and Ds, the procession punctuated with flashes of silver and, impressively, a handful of corporeal Patronuses that galloped and pranced and swam and flew around the room. Patronuses, James thought, what a wonderful way to reveal our inner selves to the entire year. What is Sartori even on? Might as well write, ‘I am a horny bachelor’ on my forehead, what with a fucking stag. Why couldn’t I have transformed into a lion or a bear? Louisa Ellis produced a hummingbird—what does that mean—and then Sartori called, ‘Ms. Evans.’
James sat rapt as Lily climbed the dais. She set her shoulders back and shook her head slightly, tucking the loose strand behind her ear. Setting her eyes on the back of the room, she frowned and called out, ‘Expecto Patronum.’
A solid form, gleaming silver-white, emerged from the tip of her wand. James’s jaw dropped.
The doe pranced straight to the back of the room. Time slowed, and James’s heart froze in his chest. The doe ran directly toward him. Eyes wide and mouth agape, James gripped his desk. The edges of his vision receded, filled with blazing light. Then it was gone.
‘Well done, Ms. Evans. Well done indeed. Though, I would remind you that Mr. Potter is not a dementor. We needn’t send our Patronuses after one another!’ The class snickered, and Lily, pleased with her success, climbed down from the dais as Lucas George climbed up. Bright dots burst in his eyes, and James suddenly remembered he had a body, which was still clenched in surprise. He pried his fingers from the desk and rubbed the back of his neck, stealing a look at Sirius, who was, unsurprisingly, staring, mouth agape at him.
‘Er—are you alright, mate?’ Sirius whispered, not at all jokingly. James swallowed then jumped.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ Remus had put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Take a breath, then, James. You’re fine.’
‘That was amazing—’ Peter started, but Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth. ‘Can’t you see the man needs a moment? In what world do you think’—
But Sirius’s voice and Peter’s squeals of apology faded as James’s vision cleared and his mind leapt back into action. He put his head down on his desk and tried to wrest his thoughts in line.
A doe, a doe. A doe. It’s a doe. A gorgeous, beautiful—he couldn’t feel his heart beating and started to worry that he had actually been smote directly from his desk. Get a grip, man. I might as well go up there and yell to the world, ‘I’m hopelessly and madly in love with the Lily Evans. It’s bound into my soul, I am irrevocably, totally and completely—’ Oh, no. James’s head snapped up.
‘Remus,’ he hissed. ‘Does a person’s Patronus ever change? Or is it, uh, fated?’
‘Erm,’ Remus stuck his hand into his bag, making a big show of pulling out the theory book Sartori rarely assigned to them. He flipped through, ‘It can. After emotional trauma or stress, or if you become tied to someone in some way.’
James inhaled. ‘Like soul mates?’
‘I, uh, yeah, I suppose the theory of soul mates would fall under that category,’ Remus replied. James watched the cogs turn as he mulled it over, knowing his friend was deciding that the best course of action was deflection. He would normally feel comforted that Remus knows him so well, but he felt sick with it. ‘That would make sense. Have your Patronuses match in some way.’
‘So, it’s not, like, related to crushes, or, or, like, non-life-binding-events, right?’ The ice around James’s heart was melting and his stomach filled with an inescapable cold.
‘No, mate—c’mon, what are you on about? You know this,’ Remus clasped his shoulder again. ‘It’s fine, it’s a coincidence, it doesn’t mean—’ James cut him off, shaking his head. The sick rose in his sternum as the dose of cold reality emanated throughout his body, and Remus’s pathetic attempt at lying was only making it worse. He dared a glance at Lily, who was entirely unaware of the existential crisis he was experiencing, his body melting and refreezing on the spot. How was his chest intact? Was he spinning in his seat, or was the room turning around him? Why had Sartori closed the windows again? He felt like gulping buckets of Firewhiskey, anything to chase away the freeze in his brain.
‘You know that’s utter bull—’
‘Mr. Lupin, if you please,’ Sartori’s voice cut through his panic.
Remus grimaced, ‘Gimme a minute,’ and walked up to demonstrate.
That left James with Sirius and sixty seconds, a seemingly innocuous amount of time, but he knew better. Sirius could inflict extraordinary amounts of damage with much less. He turned to his best mate, who had confetti practically bursting from his ears. James opened his mouth but Sirius stuck a pencil between his lips. Does he shit pencils? Where the hell—
‘This. Is excellent news,’ Sirius beamed. James spat the pencil out of his mouth and started to reply but Sirius pressed a finger to his lips. ‘No, I don’t even want to hear it. We have a Hogsmeade trip this weekend and I’ve heard she’s going with that Hufflepuff seventh year—Comley, the Beater, kinda sandy looking?—but I swear I can reset the kitchen trap no problem and it’ll keep him occupied for an entire day. You can swoop in while she’s waiting in the Great Hall and assuage her disappointment, take a romantic walk around the valley, buy her a pint at Madame Puddifoot's—’ James groaned ‘—okay, not Madame Puddifoot’s, we can stick to the Three Broomsticks. Come back to the common room, curl up by the fire. Wormy and I’ll chase away the firsties and clear the way for you. It’ll be gorgeous. I’ll help you with your hair. Moons can give you some chocolate to gift her, and we’ll set the wedding for after exams in June. You can be honeymooning in Hokkaido with Sartori himself come July!’ Peter nodded along, grinning and taking down notes using one of Sirius’s pencils:
1. Reset trap.
2. Tail Prongs and Lily
3. Save seat at Three Broomsticks
4. Clear out common room…
James blanched. Besides the mild violence involved in setting up a date with Lily and the shuddering prospect of a honeymoon chaperoned by their unflappable professor, it wasn’t the most outrageous of Sirius’s plans. Remus’s shaggy wolf trotted around the room and returned to his side. Sartori clapped and Remus dropped back into his seat with a glance at James, then a glare at Sirius. Peter hastily shoved the list into his robe pocket and Remus raised an eyebrow.
‘What did you say? He looks like he’s going to vomit!’
‘I’ve just planned out his next five moves on Evans, and he’s not even bothered to say thank you!’
But James’s eyes and mind had wandered back over to Lily, who sat with a contented smile on her face, clearly pleased at accomplishing full marks. Marlene had just shot out a lion—Harrumph, James thought, there’s the lion—and Dorcas a bear cub thereafter. James shook the coincidence out of his head, inhaling sharply and focusing on his immediate problem. The Ps were rapidly approaching, and the idea of demonstrating his Patronus in front of the class was suddenly worse than jumping into the Willow unarmed.
‘What do I do?’ he asked half aloud.
‘I’ve just told you!’ Sirius huffed, but Remus shushed his recount of their newly minted five-step plan.
This is mortifying, one half of his brain admonished. You cannot possibly produce your Patronus. Just fake it.
There is no way you’ll be able to fake it, the other half retorted. You’re a nervous wreck. You’ll botch it and embarrass Evans and you both. Better to fake sick and leave the room. You’re already halfway there.
‘Mr. Pettigrew?’ Peter shot a look at James and mouthed, ‘I’ll hold him off.’ He tripped on the stairs of the dais and laughed at himself. James smiled weakly, grateful for his friend’s clumsiness for his sake.
This is your chance. Bolt now, ask for forgiveness later.
You were already late to class. You’re on thin ice.
There’s another attempt Monday morning! Get here early and spare yourself. Better yet, spare Lily.
Peter’s rat scuttled around the room. ‘Very good, Mr. Pettigrew. Mr. Potter?’
James stood up involuntarily, his desk chair crashing to the floor. What. the FUCK?
He shakily muttered an apology. Remus and Sirius gaped up at him, shaken by his sudden display of nerves. ‘James—’ Remus’s voice sounded less like a warning, more like a protection.
James’s legs carried him to the front of the room and up the dais. He raised his wand and looked down at his classmates. The novelty of seeing wispy animals bursting from their peers’ wands having worn off in the last few minutes, they returned his gaze with boredom and incredulity. Marlene and Dorcas exchanged questioning looks. Marlene nudged Lily, who was looking out the window. A cloud covered the sun, and the grounds looked even grayer and more washed out. Curl up by the fire, and the freeze on his brain started to thaw as he stared at the back of Lily’s head. The strand had come loose again.
Sartori’s face was impassive. ‘Mr. Potter, would you please demonstrate a Patronus?’
Lily turned, and her eye caught James. The cold seeped out of him entirely, shot with the proverbial Firewhiskey he had asked for moments earlier.
‘Er, Professor—’
‘Now, now, Mr. Potter, you chose not to practice.’
‘Right,’ he caught a laugh in his throat, ‘Right. Er, I—’ the volume in the room picked up as his classmates covered his hesitation—perhaps assuming his nerves were due to his inability to cast a Patronus, not unreasonable, as only half of them had managed it—and he breathed a prayer of thanks for their misguided presumptions. Only Lily kept her eyes on him. The one time you voluntarily look. He wrenched his away and looked at Sartori.
‘—could I, could I do mine after class? I’m feeling a touch ill and don’t think I can produce a Patronus right now.’
Sartori remained impassive. His eyes flickered towards the classroom, maybe to the back of the desks where Remus had hopefully prevented Sirius from holding up a sign with, ‘SPARE HIM THE SHAME, SIR’ emblazoned in spangled lettering. Sartori nodded. ‘Very well, then. Mr. Potter. After class.’
James didn’t meet Lily’s eyes as he hopped down, shuffling to the back of the room once again.
‘Dodged a jinx there, mate.’ Sirius grinned. ‘Now, about this date…’
‘Hop off it, Sirius,’ Peter said. Sirius swatted at him, and they fell into playful bickering once again, pencils zooming around the desk.
~
Lily gathered her things slowly at the end of class. Marlene and Dorcas were discussing animatedly their plans for the weekend. She fumbled with the buckle on her bag, stalling.
‘What a weekend to go out. It’s beyond disgusting. I couldn’t be bothered if you paid me ten Galleons.’ Marlene fussed.
Dorcas straightened her robes. ‘Lily, don’t you have a date with that Neil guy? From Hufflepuff?’
‘Neil?’ Her mind conjured a tall boy who’d stopped her in the halls last week, shifting nervously as she smiled kindly up at him. ‘Oh, erm, right. Yes. To Hogsmeade.’ The clouds had passed over the grounds, and the sun glinted up from the lake harshly, with a slightly blinding effect. The room seemed abnormally dark when she looked away.
Marlene grinned. ‘He’s quite cute, isn’t he? Rather lanky and sandy looking.’
‘Sandy?’ Dorcas laughed. ‘He’s from somewhere in the Highlands, Mar, not fucking Devon.’
‘You know what I mean! Tall and rugged and a little washed out.’ They laughed, and Lily joined in warily before falling silent. Now that she had played with it, the buckle actually wasn’t closing. Fuck, she thought. I don’t want to add another chore to this already bleary weekend. I’d so much rather stay in the castle. A shadow passed behind her, and she looked up to find James two desks over, waiting patiently for Sartori.
Marlene opened her mouth, presumably to take the mickey out of him for fucking up, but Dorcas grasped her arm and bid him goodbye before exiting. He nodded stiffly and kept his eyes on the ground. Prats, she thought. Leaving me defenseless from his prattling.
The empty room filled with the sounds of her now pointless shuffling, but James didn’t look up, and the silence was unnerving.
He does look sick. Somewhat…washed out, I suppose.
‘Are you alright?’
James opened his mouth but nothing came out. He focused his attention on her shoes, then over her shoulder, looking out the window and avoiding her face.
‘James?’
His jaw snapped shut and he nodded. Lily frowned slightly. Entirely unlike James Potter to forgo an opportunity to take the mickey.
‘Alright, well, I’ll see you in Potions.’
He nodded again, still intent on her bag.
‘Your, er, your buckle?’ His voice sounded constrained, and he cleared his throat. ‘Your buckle is undone.’ He leaned forward and shut her bag with an easy click. Melted butter and burnt wood on a roaring fire wafted towards her. What I would give to sit next to a fire right now. She shuddered at the thought, tucking her hair back, only to see that he looked stricken to have offended her.
‘Thanks.’ She rushed to fill the silence, ‘Thank you.’ She turned to walk away, then turned back again, confused by this uncharacteristically calm encounter with James Potter, but Sartori had returned from his office and James was looking out the window once again.
Lily exited the classroom, entirely unnerved. When does it behoove him to talk to me without asking me out? Not that that was talking. Maybe he’s possessed. Pity the creature that tries to share a brain with him. She laughed, then chided himself. He didn’t look very good. Maybe he hurt himself in practice last night? And chided herself again. Why do I know when he has Quidditch practice?
Sartori’s voice pulled her from her inner monologue, and Lily realized she had stopped only a few paces from the door, lost in thought about James.
‘Feeling improved, Mr. Potter?’
‘A little, sir. Thank you for your understanding.’
Lily crept back to the doorway, peeking in. James’s back was to her, facing Sartori’s desk. Sartori sat on the edge of the dais, unbothered by the lack of formality. An inscrutable man, Lily thought.
‘We all get the jitters occasionally. I would venture that practicing alleviates those jitters, but I am only a teacher, not a Seer.’
‘Of course, sir.’
‘Right, then. Your Patronus.’
James sighed. ‘Expecto Patronum.’ Lily’s heart exited her mouth.
A magnificent silver stag cantered around the room, glowing softly. Her brain screamed at her to bolt, but she remained rooted to her spot, entirely visible if James just turned around to watch his Patronus. Sartori’s eyes followed the form, which came to rest next to James. He waved his wand, and the stag disappeared.
‘Well done, Mr. Potter. Full marks. Get some rest. I daresay you look slightly withdrawn. And do ask Mr. Black to return the 17 pencils he stole from my stash, or I will confiscate his favorite writing implement without second thought.’
Lily gathered herself and backed away from the door, tucking herself in an alcove around the corner. A stag, a stag. A stag. A wonderful, dignified stag. She slumped against the cool stone, clutching her bag to her chest.
He knew. He knew it was a stag. Why wouldn’t he show the class? Lily shook her head. Perfect Potter never misses a chance to show off.
No, he didn’t want me to see. She heard footsteps coming down the hall. No, he would especially want me to know.
No, he was ill about something. He was fine at the beginning of class, practically sauntered in late with snacks in hand.
Was it me? Did I make him ill? They had barely looked at each other the entire lesson, doubly unusual. Maybe he’s heard about the date with Neil and is laying off. They know each other from Quidditch. No, it has to do with the stag. The footsteps grew closer.
Lily’s breath caught in her throat. What was Sartori saying about calmness? None of it mattered now: she was entirely out of control. Completely defenseless.
Maybe he doesn’t like me and is worried I would read into it. She heard someone breeze around the corner.
What if—what if he didn’t want to embarrass me? Her bag tumbled out of her arms, landing with a clunk on the floor. No, not the floor, a foot.
‘Ow. Shit—what?’ James kicked his foot out, leaning to pick up the bag. When he stood, Lily’s breath exited her body. His color had returned, the corner of his mouth up ticked, ready to shoot a barb at whichever clumsy first year had nearly tripped him, but it softened upon seeing Lily. ‘Are you ok—?’
Their eyes met, and Lily’s widened with understanding.