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TK has always wanted to matter to someone.
That probably makes him sound like he’s wandering the world all alone, which isn’t really the case, but every person that he has in his corner now, they haven’t always been there for him. When he was growing up, his mom was as present as she possibly could be in-between her major cases and pro-bono work, but it didn’t stop him from spending a lot of nights home alone, finding ways to entertain himself. He and his dad have fought hard to get where they are now, especially after 9/11, when his firefighter father put his work about everything else. But they’re his parents, and he knows that they’ll always be there for him when he needs them.
He just sometimes wished he didn’t have to make a case for their attention, that him mattering to them would feel less like a momentary thing, and more of an inherent desire to care for and about him. The older he gets, the more he understands their lives and their limitations, but it doesn’t completely erase those empty moments from the past.
Maybe because of his complicated family life, he’s always put a lot of stock into his romantic relationships. He’s always asked a lot of his boyfriends; some of them may have considered him needy (one or two definitely confirmed it in their break-up speech), but he didn’t think it was a lot to ask for them to want to be around him. For TK, he’s always felt like his relationships were built on a give-and-take, where he gave as much of himself as he could, and his significant others took it all, giving little-to-nothing back.
It reached a point where that imbalance felt normal, and Alex was a confirmation of that. He knew his ex was pulling away, for months the space between them growing as their conversations became shorter and their time together less spontaneous and more scheduled. TK convinced himself that all he needed to do was prove just how much Alex mattered to him, and that his boyfriend would come back to him. So, TK bought a ring, and then watched everything blow up in his face.
He doesn’t think he’s led a perfect life, or that he’s been a perfect person. He even knows that he isn’t always the best boyfriend, that sometimes he gets lost in his own wants and needs, losing sight of the person in front of him. But he tries. He tries so hard , and he doesn’t think it’s unreasonable to want to find a partner to walk through life with him, holding his hand. A partner who won’t want him only when it’s convenient for them, but because being without him isn’t a reality that they can handle.
He doesn’t think it’s a lot to ask for someone to love him unconditionally.
———
Outside the juice bar, TK admits to Carlos that he doesn’t know who he is anymore, and that he can’t handle being in a relationship while he figures his life out. He watches as the man’s face closes off slightly before he masks it, and then Carlos is the same as he’s always been, cracking a joke about TK being unemployed while he pays their bill. It shatters something in him, the man’s nonchalance; he may have asked to end whatever they were, but Carlos’s cavalier reaction feels like proof that it was doomed anyway, no matter what he said about seeing him in the hospital.
He doesn’t have time to overthink it though, not when the world around them flips upside down. He feels Carlos’s grip on him, the way that they hold each other, but he can’t stop himself from running into the chaos.
Everything fades away as he works tirelessly to free Ellen, his mind honing in to focus on the one person who needs his help. He does everything that he can, and it’s still not enough; TK can feel her slipping away from him, and his heart caves in, another sign that he isn’t at all who he thought he was.
And then, just when he’s accepted that he can’t save her, his dad appears at his side. TK feels lost in a heavy burst of activity all around him, but he’s aware enough to know that Ellen made it out alive, and he’s suddenly in the back of an ambulance with her as they head to the hospital.
He feels numb the entire time they stitch him back up, but the longer he sits under the too-bright hospital lights, waiting to be released, the more his world shifts back into focus. Everything re-aligns for the first time in over a week, and he feels his heart burst with a newfound certainty of who he is and was always meant to be, the hope he feels lightening every weight that has been holding him down recently.
He looks up as the curtain is pulled back around his bed, an all-business nurse leading the way followed by the last person that TK expected to see again today.
“Carlos?” he asks, the confusion clear in his voice as he takes in the man, the officer’s appearance more disheveled than when he last laid eyes on him.
Carlos looks him over, his eyes lingering on his bandaged left shoulder. TK can see his hands clenched at his sides, his posture slightly tense. “I figured you would need a ride home,” he finally says, his voice small as his eyes dart around the space before landing on the nurse.
They don’t speak again as the nurse discharges him, giving a pointed look as she instructs him not to overwork his body for the next two weeks. His eyes keep glancing over to the man nearby; he can see Carlos listening closely to every word that she says, as if he really needs to be aware of TK’s recovery process.
The walk to Carlos’s car is heavy with an awkward tension, and TK kind of wishes that he was going home with a complete stranger instead of the man that he, for lack of a better phrase, broke up with a few hours ago.
“Home?” Carlos asks once they’re in the car, his hands now gripping tightly to the steering wheel in front of him as he speaks for the first time since arriving at the hospital.
TK stares at him, his mouth dropping open to speak, but no words come out. He’s never felt so much distance between them, not since he got arrested after the bar fight. He knows it’s his fault, but he really doesn’t like it. It feels too heavy. With a breath, he turns back to look out the window. “Actually, the station.”
Carlos starts the car, and for the next 15 minutes, they sit in absolute silence as they make their way towards the 126. TK’s mind is racing, trying to figure out what the right next step is, and by the time they’ve pulled up to the entrance, he’s made a decision.
He turns back to the other man when the car stops, slowly reaching out to grip his forearm, his fingers wrapping around Carlos’s warm skin. He feels him jump at the unexpected contact, watching as Carlos looks down at his hand before meeting his eyes. TK sees a storm of anguish swirling in the gaze, and that more than anything encourages him to push forward.
“You can say no,” he starts, watching as Carlos’s eyebrow raises slightly, “but would you mind picking me up in about an hour? There’s, um, there’s some things that I need to tell my team, but then I’d really like to see you. If you want,” he says, his voice unsteady as he trails off, leaving the request hanging between them.
He sees Carlos process his question, his eyes darting back-and-forth between his own for a moment, before he moves his left hand to rest on top of TK’s, squeezing gently. “I’ll be here in an hour,” he says, a small smile rising on his lips. It’s the first semblance of a genuine Carlos smile that TK has seen all day, and he can feel his heart expanding in his chest, a new hope rising to fill it.
He gets out of the car, making his way into the station. He heads up to the sleeping quarters to take a quick shower and change, mindful of his fresh stitches. When he’s ready, he heads back down to the engine bay, taking a seat to wait for his team to return.
Telling all of his friends, his new family, about his past feels like opening a door that he has long been fighting to hold closed, and when they all wrap him in their arms, he feels the tension that he’s been feeling ever since New York melt, a sense of freedom snuffing it out. He holds his dad close to him, saying so many things with just one hug, and when they pull apart, he can see pride in his eyes. Then he’s looking past TK towards the open bay door, and when TK turns to follow his gaze, he feels himself let out a sharp breath.
In the time since he left, Carlos has showered and changed as well, and TK doesn’t know if he’s ever seen someone more beautiful in his life. With a quick “I’ll see you at home,” he turns away from his dad to walk towards him, his head falling back in relief as Carlos gives him a questioning look. Before he can second-guess it, TK steps into his space, falling against him. If Carlos is confused by the action, he doesn’t show it, immediately wrapping his arms around him as he presses his face into his neck. They stay there for a moment, and TK lets himself imagine a future where he gets to be held like this, held by Carlos, whenever he wants. He really, really likes the idea of that.
“Where do you want to go?” Carlos asks, pulling away slightly to look at him, his hands lingering on TK’s hips.
TK grins, daring to press a quick kiss to Carlos’s cheek. “Take me to your favorite quiet place,” he says, watching as Carlos reacts to the kiss, freezing for a moment in shock. Then, with a slight nod and a smile, he takes TK’s hand, pulling him towards his car.
On the way, they watch as the night sky transforms into a bright spectrum of color. When they come to a stop in an open field, Carlos exits the car to climb on top of the hood, TK following quickly behind him. They lay side-by-side, staring up at the natural light show, greens and blues weaving in and out, a kaleidoscope of dancing colors.
TK lets the quiet surround him, the past few months spinning around in his mind as he tries to get a handle on his feelings for the man next to him. He thinks he knows what he wants now, but before he can take the leap into another relationship, he needs to know where Carlos stands. So, he asks the one question that has been rolling around in his mind for the past few hours.
“Why did you pick me up from the hospital?”
He doesn’t turn to look at Carlos, but he feels him next to him, the way that he jumps slightly at the sudden disruption to the stillness around them. It takes a moment for him to answer, TK holding his breath as he waits.
“I once told you that I wasn’t looking to be your boyfriend, or your friend, if you didn’t want one,” Carlos starts, and TK is thrown back to their conversation at the station, when he told Carlos his first secret. “I meant that. I’m not interested in pushing my way into your life. I’ve done that before, and it hurt too much when he decided that I was too much for him.
“I know that I can be a little forward sometimes. I get caught up in my own head and my own feelings, and I don’t always think about how my actions might come across, but I always try to be genuine. I always try to be honest, because I really don’t think there’s much use in building a relationship with someone if it’s built on secrets or lies.
“So, I meant it when I said that I wasn’t trying to be more than what you wanted, but that didn’t stop me from seeing you, TK. And I saw someone that was more than who he was letting everyone see, and I don’t know, I guess I started to care about you. I wanted you to feel safe, or comfortable enough to be yourself here. No one should feel like they have to hide themselves all the time.”
Carlos lets out a deep sigh, his words hanging heavy in the air around them. They still haven’t moved, and TK feels like his mind is racing, his heartbeat speeding up to meet it. Before he can even think about how to respond, Carlos continues speaking.
“When you told me that you wanted to end this thing earlier today, I wish I could say that all of my feelings for you just went away, but they aren’t really tied to the status of our relationship, they’re tied to you, and as long as you’re here, I’m probably going to always care about you in some way.
“It still really fucking hurt, hearing what you said today. I was ready to call Michelle and drown myself in a whole lot of tequila, you know, before the world went to shit. But I heard what you said, the reason why you couldn’t do a ‘we’ or anything, and I respected that. I wasn’t going to push, no matter how hard not-pushing hurt.”
TK’s vision clouds as tears start to form in his eyes, his heart clenching at Carlos’s confession. He feels one spill out, dripping down the side of his face as the colors swirl above them.
“But then, when everything calmed down, and your team got control of the situation, all I wanted to do was see you, and make sure that you were safe,” Carlos finishes, his voice wavering slightly with clear emotion.
TK turns towards him, moving to his side to reach over and grab Carlos’s arm like he did earlier in the car, the other man turning to face him as well. TK can see tears in his eyes too, his protective instincts kicking in as he reaches up to cup his cheek softly.
“I’m going to ask you one more question,” he says softly, his gaze locked on the brown eyes in front of him. “And I want you to answer without thinking of me, or anything that I’ve said or done. Be completely honest with me, okay?”
Carlos sucks in a breath of air, nodding as he reaches up to grab TK’s wrist, his thumb caressing the back of his hand.
“What do you want, Carlos?” TK asks, his voice clear. “You and me, what do you want for us?”
Carlos’s eyes soften as he adjusts to press his lips softly to TK’s wrist; he can feel his pulse spike in response.
“Every day for the past few months, since the moment I met you,” Carlos begins, his voice barely a whisper, almost like a confession, “I’ve gone to bed wanting to text you.”
“It’s not usually anything big, but whenever I fall asleep, I think of you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I always wonder how your day was, if anything made you smile, if you were happier that day than the day before. Every day, I’ve wanted to text you ‘good night’ or ‘hope you had a good day’ or just anything really. And every day for the past few months, I’ve stopped myself from doing it.
“And it wasn’t because I wanted to bug you, or shove my way into your life. It wasn’t even about wanting you to text me back, really. I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to make sure that you had a reminder that, even if you felt like you had to hide a part of yourself, or like you didn’t have anyone in your corner, that you weren’t alone here in Texas. I just don’t think anyone should be alone, especially someone as good as you.
“That’s what I want,” Carlos says, his grip tightening slightly as he stares deeply into TK’s eyes. “I just want to be able to tell you ‘good night’ whenever I’m thinking about it.”
It’s something so simple, so plain, but TK feels like he understands Carlos, and he knows that what he’s really asking for is so much bigger than a simple daily text. The declaration is so overwhelming that, without warning, he finds himself closing the distance between them to bury his face in Carlos’s chest, his tears streaming down his face now with abandon.
He feels strong arms come up around him, Carlos’s chin pressing against the top of his head, but the other man doesn’t speak. Instead, he just holds him, and TK can’t help but to grip the back of his shirt in his fists, pushing himself closer as his emotions overwhelm him.
His heart is hammering in his chest, and he can hear Carlos’s heart, too, his ear pressed right up against it. He doesn’t know that he’s ever felt so completely understood by another person, and he’s terrified of that thought, and everything it means for them.
Except, for the first time in a really, really long time, he doesn’t want to run. He’s terrified, sure, but it’s that same terror that he feels when he stands before a fire — instead of running in the opposite direction, he wants to stay, approach it, let it consume him. Not so that he can burn, so that he can control it, temper it. He wants to own the terror he feels, use it to fight his lingering demons, and he knows he wants to do it with Carlos at his side, a partner who will walk through life with him, holding his hand.
He doesn’t know how long they stay there in each other’s arms, but it’s long after TK’s tears have stopped falling. He keeps his face pressed against Carlos’s chest, letting the smell and feel of him overwhelm his senses. He’s never felt so safe, so comfortable, in another man’s arms.
“What are you thinking?” Carlos asks eventually, and TK can hear the uncertainty in his voice. He shifts, pulling his head up to look at him. Leaning forward, he presses their foreheads together.
“I’m thinking we make a pretty good team,” he says, his voice full of meaning. He thinks Carlos picks up on it, his eyes crinkling as a smile grows on his face.
“We really do, don’t we?” he asks, and TK can’t help but to bring his hand up to trace his fingers along his soft lips.
“Afraid so,” he agrees, pausing before leaning forward to close the remaining space between them, their lips connecting in a soft kiss that feels both universe-shattering and solidifying.
It’s everything.