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It had been nearly an hour since she had first entered the bath with Sumire and was honestly quite exhausted. First getting questioned on her feelings, trying to figure out more about who Sumire is, having said girl gush about how cute she looked as a fish… Now all Nene wanted more than ever was to go back home.
Wearing the robe that was provided to her with her hair pinned up into a bun, Sumire guided her to a small, empty room with only one futon and a window high up on the wall of which moonlight shined through, saying she would be returning shortly for one more thing. As soon as the door had shut behind her, she fell to the floor dramatically, her energy zapped away.
“I’m so tired…”
Being in the room by herself gave her a moment to reflect on what had happened. When Sumire pulled back her hair to reveal the seal, it shocked Nene. That kind of seal had meant something was a yorishiro, as far as Nene knew. And seeing it on the girl’s neck had to mean she was one, right? But weren’t yorishiros supposed to only be on objects that the person considered most important to them? And why was it written in red instead of white? People could be one too? If this place isn’t real, and Sumire isn’t real, does that make it okay to pull it? Wouldn’t taking it off her make her disappear forever?
Nene cradled her head in her hands, eyes spinning. It was too much to think about! She wished Hanako was here with her so she can discuss it with him.
“Say, Nene…”
She lifts her face, the memory flooding back from before her bath, seeing Sumire’s curious eyes and slight blush, eyebrows high. Her own cheeks slowly becoming the color of strawberries, both then and now.
“Is Gon perhaps, your lover?”
Her face was definitely feeling hot, but only because she just came out of the bath! Not at all about what Sumire said! Hanako her lover, no way!
Sitting herself upright and standing to her feet, Nene walks over to lean against the wall underneath the small window, her porcelain hands cupping her cheeks. And how she had answered back then to her was, “It’s not like I don’t like him…” with Sumire telling her that she wasn’t honest and that she doesn’t have to hid it. She wasn’t hiding anything, she was telling the truth!
… Or at least she thought she was.
Besides the time of the confession tree where she was simply excited to be on the receiving end of someone’s love confession, she didn’t really think of Hanako in that way. He was always with her acting so strange and different from everyone else, it was logical that she didn’t think of him like that. She absolutely didn’t…
Letting out a soft sigh and closing her eyes, Nene whines. “It’s not like that at all!”
“Eh?”
At the sound of a familiar voice, Nene looks over to see the door open, Hanako standing directly in front of it. She didn’t know what to be more surprised at: the fact that he came just as she was addressing her own feelings potentially about him or the fact that he was NOT in his usual gakuran attire, instead wearing a robe similar to her. It was as though he had water dumped on him with his raven hair sticking stubbornly to his flushed face. Not a word fell out of her mouth, very much in disbelief of his appearance (no, she did not just think briefly that he looked charming!), as he was pushed into the room by a giggling Sumire. Hanako immediately turned around, yelling “Wha-?!”
“This is where you’ll be staying for the night, Gon! I know you two are joined at the hip, so I thought it would be nice for my pets to sleep together tonight!” With a flick of her wrist, adorned with gold bells, Nene could see the sparks fly around the door entrance. She had sealed them together in the room?!
“And no escaping~! I’ll see you both tomorrow!” And with a wink Nene was sure was directed at her, she shut the door once more, the sound of her feet drifting further and further away as they were left to their own devices.
In a room.
By themselves.
Alone.
While she was figuring out her own feelings about said boy who was stuck in here.
With her.
With only one futon!
The high schooler was now bright red with wide eyes. However, she wasn’t the only one as Hanako stared at her with the same expression on his face.
This has to be the first time where there was only silence between the two. Normally this would be when Hanako would make some kind of perverted joke or she would be complaining at how unfortunate the situation was and how she could be with someone more prince-like. This though wasn’t anything like before. Stuck in boundaries like now, yes, but stuck in a cramped room and with the (newfound?) information that is wavering in her head, she wasn’t sure she could speak first.
Thankfully Hanako solved that for her, coughing awkwardly into his hand and finding a sudden interest in talking to the wall on the side. “She’s very pushy, isn’t she?”
There was an attempt to be playful in the tone of his voice. It was enough for her to ground herself, also seeing how interesting the wall was as she twiddled with her fingers. “Y-Yeah… Hanako-kun, why are you wearing that?” That’s right, ask about anything else other than feelings! Good safe spot, Nene!
It takes a moment to hear his response back. “Oh, this? I got shoved into the bath right after you two by that girl.” He grunted. “Literally.”
The image of Hanako-kun awkwardly in a tub instantly sent Nene into a fit of laughter, and it wasn’t even that funny but she couldn’t help it. Maybe it was just all the stress of today that it became louder, gripping her stomach and trying not to let the tears run from her ruby eyes.
“H-Hey!”
“I-I’m sor-ry, Hanak-ko-kun! I d-don’t me-an t-to laugh!” She had positioned herself into a crouch, one hand on her face. The sound of his footsteps were drowned by her own voice, and only when she feels his hand on her shounder does Nene glance up and oh God his face is too close, it’s way too close!
“You’re very unfair, Yashiro, laughing at my misfortune.” Hanako pouts, tilting his head.
All she could see was his large, gold eyes shining from the only light source in the room, wondering how the moon was able to perfectly light up his features. She could hear every breath he took, even feel it on her face. His hand was burning hot even though he had no temperature. Nene wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that as he made no move, as though he was trapped too. Wanting to run away and at the same time to never run away.
Once again it felt like too much for her as she and Hanako abruptly inched apart, like something physical had just cut in-between them and put a barrier up that forced their line of sight elsewhere.
What was with this atmosphere; they were almost back to normal!
“You can go ahead and sleep, Yashiro.” Nene hears him say with a serious tone, peeking over to watch him stand up and gaze out into the night sky through the bars of the window. “I can’t leave the room, so I’ll just stay in the corner. I promise I won’t do anything. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“A-Ah. Okay.” Is all she can muster, getting up from her spot as well and slowly walking over to the futon. He’s always saying things like that, she thinks to herself as she lifts the blanket. But just thinking of him standing there the whole night… that has to be uncomfortable, even for a ghost. Before settling in, and before even thinking of how to word it, she calls out to him.
“Hanako-kun, you can get in the futon with me.”
Wait, doesn’t that sound like she’s… what on earth did she just say?! Immediately panicking, she starts to ramble through his silence, of how it wasn’t like that, how she meant that she wants him to be cozy and relaxed, and so on until she hears yet again another cough and a soft voice. “T-That’s okay. I’m fine. I don’t really need sleep, you know. Being dead and all that.”
It’s not the answer she wanted to hear. He had to know how embarrassing this was for her too! Nene stops in her tracks to move back to him, reaching over to tug at his sleeve. Hanako turns to her and she tries her best to give him the biggest frown she possibly can. “Ghost or not, you should still rest! There’s enough room and I… I trust you, Hanako-kun.” Nene’s already decided that she wasn’t going to let him stand there all night, no matter what he says!
She was sure he would have tipped his hat over his eyes if he was wearing it, but he didn’t need to with the only light source behind him masking his face in the darkness. That probably meant that he could see her perfectly fine in the moonlight, hopefully not putting the pieces together that she's a bit nervous and blushing just because they were close together. Nene thinks she can pick out an almost panic-looking expression, something that reminds her of when she last saw him when he was little at the festival, almost similar to when she had kissed him on the cheek that one time.
When he speaks, it’s in the exact same voice as before, soft but very serious. “You keep saying things like that, don’t you? Yashiro, I can’t-“
“No buts! Just get in the futon with me!”
“I’m not joking-“
“Neither am I!”
“Do you know how indecent you sound right now?”
“I don’t care! Just lay down!”
“Why are you so insistent on this?!”
Nene lets go of his sleeve, huffs, and tugs on her own shyly and looking back to that oh-so-beautiful wall so she doesn't have to face him. If he needs another reason… Her response is quiet and unsure. “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.” It wasn’t a lie, not completely. She was sure she’d get a good night’s rest knowing she wasn’t alone in the room, but to have him next to her would make her feel more secure, like how they held onto one another when entering this realm. And once again, they were back in silence. Nene was sure he was going to ignore her and probably float somewhere close to the ceiling as far as possible for the rest of the night.
When he didn’t do that but instead sighed heavily and strolled around to the other side of the futon, she was very surprised. He lifted the blanket, still refusing to look at her, faintly mumbling “Don’t forget, you asked for this.”
It was then that it hit her once again.
“Is Gon perhaps, your lover?”
Nene, our lovely protagonist, just realized she had just invited a boy she may or may not like to sleep with her in a futon that will probably end up barely covering them both, in a tiny room, with only the light from the moon to see with.
What on Earth had she just asked for?! How could she have forgotten her dilemma so quickly?!
This was just so he wouldn’t have to stay in the corner by himself, Nene thinks. It was awful to imagine him having to shy himself away from her and telling her not to worry when all she wanted to do was to try and protect him the way he does for her. She doesn't have any kind of powers, but she still wanted to try her best for him!
“Even so, if you fall for them, you can’t help it.”
Sumire’s words continued to haunt her as she got under the sheets as well, snuggling in. Oh, it most certainly was only going to scarcely cover them both, as she could nearly feel his back to hers, his legs inches away from her own. Thank goodness he couldn’t see her face now (Hell, Nene didn't want to imagine what kind of expression she had)! She tries to divert her thoughts to how close he was physically to her into something more relaxing like thinking of her pet hamster back home, but more than anything that damn conversation from earlier keeps plaguing her. Even Sumire said it before, that liking a supernatural is taboo, unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s…
It’s likely to end very badly. Out of all the stories she had read, the ones with ghosts or demons never had a happily ever after. They were all short-lived before one or both of them died. And the times where they got their happy ending was if the human became a supernatural or the supernatural had to lose something important to become human. Or those really sad stories where the couple perish and are reincarnated without memories of their former lives.
It just didn’t happen.
Wait, why was she thinking like this now? It’s just Hanako! The slimy, shorter-than-her bathroom ghost! He teased her far too often, didn’t talk much about himself, who gave her advice and confidence when she needed it, always saving her, protecting her…
Of course she likes him, he’s her friend. That’s like, a minimum qualification for a friend, to like them! But even with all the bad personality traits he has and all the secrets he holds and refuses to let slip out of his lips, it doesn’t bother her as much as it should. Nene likes talking with him and sharing food together and when he holds her…
… it kind of feels nice.
And she did decide on her own that she’d continue to stick by him, right? So...
DOES SHE ACTUALLY LIKE, LIKE HIM?!
LOVE HIM?!?!
And he’s sleeping? right next to her?!
Unconsciously she grips the sheets tighter. It’s okay, Nene thinks to herself. Just calm down, it’s not like he can feel how fast your heart is beating...
And actually, now that she’s thinking about it, this may be a good time to see if she can question more about him. They’re alone with nothing else to do. Not like she was going to really fall asleep so fast when the person she possibly really really likes is right next to her.
Yes, this is a good chance to learn more about Hanako!
Nene doesn’t know how long it’s been since they both occupied the futon, but she’s going to break the record and speak up. It doesn’t come out as confidently as she wanted it to.
“Hey, Hanako-kun?”
She can feel him move slightly. “Hmm?” He replies back, curious.
“Can… Can I ask you a question?”
It takes another moment before he says sure.
“Can I ask… about what you were like, before… before you became Hanako-san of the Toilet?” Nene asks nervously. It was a big step. It was something that was in the back of her mind since they were trapped in the picture world, of how he acted a little different than he normally would. She didn’t feel comfortable saying when he was alive, it just sounded rude. So she hoped she phrased it in a nice way. One she was sure he would jump on to tease her. “Oh, Yashiro asking about me personally? Must be for a perverted reason, naughty daikon!”
But that didn’t happen. Actually, if anything there was more silence than before. Why wasn’t he teasing her like normal? He was acting so strange compared to a few hours ago, ever since they were forced into this room. Maybe she overstepped her boundary? But weren’t they close enough, enough for her to ask to learn more about himself? She did say she would wait… she was just curious… Nene tries to continue talking, but in the opposite direction of where she wanted to go and instead apologizes. “A-Ah, I guess I… shouldn't have asked that. I’m sorry. I won’t-“
Hanako interrupts her gently, tugging lightly at the sheets they shared. “No, don’t be. It’s okay to ask questions. I know I haven’t said… anything since that day.”
That day… oh, when they made the pinky promise.
“I was like any other normal kid.” He began, keeping the quiet tone. Nene kept the comment to herself that any other normal kid wouldn’t be covered in bandages every day, wouldn’t have cried the way he did when she first met his past self. “Helped out my family, went to school... go to the park afterwards to run around. Like what anyone else would do.”
“I bet you were just as mischievous as you are now.”
“I was a well-behaved kid, thank you. Only got into trouble if caught~”
“Oh of course, how silly of me to think that.”
“Very silly.”
“...What else?”
“Liked to catch bugs during summer, collecting beetles and all that. Enjoyed running around in the sun.”
“Would you go and get treats or drinks sometimes after school?”
“Yeah. There was one that would sell these popsicles where you could win another one if the stick had “winner” written on it. Ate a lot one time and still wasn't able to find the lucky stick.” He chuckled. Nene wondered briefly when things had gone downhill for him. If he had been as normal as everyone else, when did he change? Who made him change, sucking the life and happiness from a child? Something that would lead him to kill his brother?
“A kid who had dreams that were much bigger and seemingly impossible than anyone else.”
“Don’t we all?” She adds a comment, smiling.
“Yeah, but more so for the time. People thought going to the moon was impossible until 1969.” Ah, that was true. Nene forgot briefly of the time period he grew up in, however her mind ran back to when she met a young Hanako saying he wanted to travel to the moon. How she gave him all her tags so that he could make that wish come true.
“It wouldn’t matter though. Dreams that won’t ever come true now. Besides, I have a pesky assistant who gave me a rather large order to fulfill.” He tries to joke, changing the subject over to her.
While she was glad he was starting to go back to teasing her, she couldn’t let the last comment slip by, didn’t want him to switch the conversation so soon. Not when she has the chance to speak her mind and to learn more about him. Quietly, she questioned, “But back in that fake world, you could have come with us to the moon. You could have made your dream come true after so long. I know it wouldn’t have been the same, but still-“
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not Amane Yugi anymore and I’ve already made my decision. You shouldn’t have to worry about it. Supernaturals like me don’t deserve any kind of happiness.”
“Supernaturals like me don’t deserve any kind of happiness.”
Nene's mind went blank momentarily, that phrase bold and loud in her thoughts. It was impossible for her not to feel such frustration towards him at those words. It doesn’t matter that he’s dead. Even if he doesn’t go by Amane now, he and Amane are still the same person! He’s still here! With her! And surely he's been having fun with her and Kou, right? It couldn't all just be an act...
No. Everything, even now, where just minutes ago he was laughing about popsicles, it can’t just all be an act. Hanako gets her so confused sometimes; it’s like as soon as he gets too close to what he used to be or used to like that he starts to run away, divert the conversation, deny everything. Deny himself...
There’s no way all those moments they had together didn’t make him feel happy. He’s experienced all sorts of things with her, being happy receiving the donuts she made, how she called him Hanako-kun, even in that fake world where he was happily teaching everyone about constellations. Those moments made her feel happy! And everyone deserves happiness! To say he doesn't deserve it? Nene can’t fathom why he would try to twist his words like that, at this point and time where they have a chance to speak heart to heart. And it was upsetting that he would believe that of himself.
A surge of confidence filled her body when she spoke back to him in a low voice. “’Supernaturals like you’… I know you’re lying; about deserving happiness. You’ve been happy with me and Kou-kun these last few months. I’ve seen you smile and laugh as we play together. And saying you don't deserve that is wrong. I know that saying that is just a barrier you put up yourself. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be for me or for you, but you can’t keep saying things like that.” She sits up, the covers falling to pool at her waist. Hanako makes no movements on his side.
“Are you afraid you might find true happiness?” Nene thinks her thoughts out loud, her tone confused but dipped in anger. There was a stillness in the air with only the wind to accompany them, like music playing in the background. She stared hard into his back, wondering what he was thinking… what kind of face was he making… what kind of expression had taken over his eyes.
It was in these moments that Nene thinks she finds the answer, magenta eyes widening slightly as the thought occurred to her. She held on to the gasp that threatened to escape her lips, her hands held tight in a fist at her chest. She didn't mean for the words to come out so delicately. “Or are you afraid… because you already found it?”
She had just realized her own feelings, but what about Hanako? How did Hanako feel about her? If he was denying any kind of happiness, was it...
Because you met me?
You’re afraid of something happening to me.
Because you care about me.
And don’t think you’re allowed to.
He twitches – it’s only ever so slightly, but enough for Nene to catch it. So she was right. It didn't matter if those feelings he had were platonic or romantic. She couldn't find it in herself to care to find out at that moment. Finally, she lets go of that sigh from within her, drawing it out, making sure he understands how she is feeling – annoyed being the key one. Even if she’s upset with him, Nene can’t help thinking of how this poor boy, who has taken everything onto himself, is still refusing to acknowledge having any kind of jubilation. He's doing everything for her, and yet is still accepting his fate to not ever receive anything back. It takes two seconds for her to lie back down, two more to wrap her arms around his chest. Not anticipating her to cling to him, Hanako gives a little squeal, trying to turn his head around while he awkwardly calls out her name. Unfortunately for him, Nene wasn’t going to cooperate, squeezing him tighter. She wasn’t ready for him to see her, not with fat, heavy tears spilling out from her eyes.
He stops trying to move for a while, the wind outside now being accompanied by Nene’s sniffling. It’s cruel, too cruel, for Hanako to keep thinking like that. He deserves better, is all Nene can think about. How much longer does he need to suffer? Is he planning to keep thinking and denying himself like this for the rest of time? When he has her?
An unsettling thought dropped into the pit of her stomach.
Who will help Hanako after she’s gone?
The tears came out faster, digging her nails into his skin. She had to grip onto him as hard as possible just to make sure he was there.
Nene doesn’t know when she finds herself crying directly onto his chest, when he was able to release her hold momentarily to hug her properly, petting her head every so slightly and working on slowly unpinning her hair. Hanako waited until she quieted down to speak directly into her ear. She doesn’t have the energy to move from her comfortable spot. “I told you, you don’t have to worry about me. I don’t… I don’t deserve your tears.” He weaved the ends of her green ombre hair in his hand, the other wrapped securely around her waist. “I told you, didn’t I? I don't need any kind of happiness because now... my wish is for you to live. I want you to grow old and live a long, happy life. That’s…”
He moves back slightly to place a kiss on her forehead. Nene can’t see very clearly but knows that kind smile anywhere.
“My new dream.”
And thus began the waterworks again, even more hysterically than before as Hanako tried his best to console her. It was too much. It was so much that she felt like her head would split into two. Torn between being so happy that someone thought that much of her, was looking out for her as much as he was, and of how sad everything was. He was ignoring everything to make her happy. There was still so much she wanted to learn about the ghost, the good and the bad. Even if it meant talking about the hard things, like his brother, the bandages, his death... She wanted to know everything about him. She wanted to protect and help him to the best of her ability, to give back what he's trying to give her.
She wanted him to move on peacefully.
Even if it meant never seeing him again, even if it meant her own death (which she absolutely didn’t want to happen and will be working her hardest to find a way to live not only for herself now, but for the life Hanako never had), no matter what she wanted to help him.
Maybe this is what Sumire meant by loving a supernatural being taboo.
Nene doesn’t remember falling asleep in Hanako’s arms, doesn’t remember the way he clung to her in the same manner she had done to him with nails burrowing into her waist, whispering how much he wanted to tell her what he was thinking. How cute she looked when he entered the room, how he was afraid to voice his opinion, how he didn't want her to suffer as he had. She wouldn't find out that he never once moved or turned his eye away from her throughout the night. Doesn’t see him cry his own tears, holding back sobs as best he can. The only indication she gets that anything happened is in the morning when they are awakened by Sumire, where she jumps from Hanako’s arms embarrassed and saying that nothing happened between the two and notices how puffy Hanako's eyes are while he makes an inappropriate statement about the situation. Even when Sumire grabs her arm to join her for getting ready for the wedding, Nene doesn’t look away and remembers her thoughts from last night.
She’s now certain without a doubt that she's in love with Hanako. For that boy to be giving her the world and the moon meant more than anything she could have come up with in a fantasy about someone else. It made sense and felt right to accept these feelings. Ironic, though, that she was going to have to put them aside, much like what Hanako is doing now. She can't let her feelings get in the way of pursuing her new goal on the the list next to not dying: helping Hanako find peace, no matter what. Because he deserves it, after being put through hell and back, helping the school out, granting her wishes... continuously sacrificing himself... Nene's not going to let him continue to suffer, not any more. And if that means he has to move on, without her, if that will bring comfort to him in the end, she'll do whatever she can to make that possible. Hanako deserves more than what he's been given, and she will make sure of it.