Chapter Text
Rex opened the door to the command barracks, one eye still crusted shut with sleep, to find his general standing on the other side, cheeks bulging as he fumed.
“Close the kriffing door, Rex,” Cody’s voice muttered from his bunk, “you’re letting all that nice cold air out.”
“I hate Fox so much,” Anakin declared, elbowing his way inside. Ponds lifted his head from his pillow and squinted down at their intruder. He let out a long-suffering groan when he recognized who it was. Rex’s general frequently visited the clone commander barracks to vent and complain.
According to Anakin, he had a lot of feelings and opinions.
No fucking kidding.
He usually brought pretty decent alcohol and food, so Rex didn’t downright refuse all the time. But that didn’t mean he was actively encouraging Anakin to turn these little impromptu visits into fixed office hours. Rex wasn’t paid enough to deal with the chaos that was Anakin Skywalker off-duty.
“Who’s it?” Marshal commander Bacara, who was on a rare shore leave, slurred sleepily from his position facedown on Bly’s bed. The 327th's commander was off-planet, and had generously lent his quarters to their fellow brother.
“A never-ending nightmare,” Wolffe mumbled in Mando’a from the bunk above him.
“You do know I’m nearly fluent in Mando now right?” Anakin huffed, coming to a stop in the middle of their shared sleeping space.
“So Rex keeps saying,” Wolffe said, giving zero fucks.
Gree was still snoring softly in the back, oblivious to the disruption. Rex truly envied him. Heavy sleepers were rare in their line of work and Gree had mastered it to perfection. He scratched the side of his head and glanced at Anakin, who had sat his ass down on Rex’s cot without even asking for permission.
“Sir, it’s late…” He pointed out, stifling a yawn in his elbow. If he didn’t get Anakin out of here, the commanders might finally get sick of Rex and make him move back to his actual designated captain quarters. Technically, he was occupying Alpha-17’s spot since he’d permanently returned to Kamino to become an ARC-command instructor. It wasn’t that Rex disliked the captain’s barracks, it was just that the commanders had better showers.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Anakin sighed, burying his face in his hands. “But why does Commander Fox hate me so much?”
Wolffe snorted loudly at the question.
“Didn’t you just say you hated him?” Rex asked, dropping down to sit next to his Jedi general.
“He won’t let me in to see Obi-Wan,” Anakin complained.
“At this hour?” Bacara spoke up, “I wouldn’t either.”
A soft ripple of laughter swept through their room. Anakin pouted at the lack of support. Honestly though, Rex had to agree with Fox’s decision on this one. His general was an impulsive hormonal mess under the light of day. There was probably no bounds to his potential depravity in the dark of night. Best to keep him out of the senator’s private quarters just to be safe.
“Why did you need to see him?” Ponds asked curiously. "Is it an emergency?"
“Wait, who’s Obi-Wan again?” Bacara asked.
“The hot Naboo senator with the fancy clothes that Fox is super protective of. It’s all in the command chat,” Cody supplied, “keep up, Bacara.”
“Are we fighting the same war? Why do you guys even have time to gossip?”
“We always have time for constructive conversation,” Ponds bullshitted with a straight face, “we’re doing it now. It’s good for team-building.”
Rex crawled over Anakin and laid down. If they could entertain his needy general for a few hours, Rex could theoretically catch up on some much deserved shut-eye. Skywalker seemed to take this move as an invitation to lay down next to Rex, because he kicked off his boots and did just that. Rex groaned internally and screwed his eyes shut. Wolffe was right about him being a never-ending nightmare.
“Why doesn’t he like me?” Anakin wondered out loud, folding his hands across his stomach, “I mean, he likes the other Jedi masters.”
“Fox doesn’t like any of the Jedi,” Wolffe said pointedly.
Anakin scowled. “I’m talking about Obi-Wan.”
“Oh, I know,” The 104th’s commander smirked, leaning over the edge of his bed and meeting Bacara’s amused gaze. “I’m just messing with you, General Skywalker.”
The marshal commander laughed and reached out a heavily-tattooed arm to fist-bump Wolffe.
“Apologies, general,” Rex muttered, shifting a little to put some room between them, “Commander Wolffe’s less of an asshole when he’s properly awake.”
“I disagree,” Cody replied, grunting when Wolffe lobbed something at his head from across the room.
“You’re asking us for relationship advice, sir?” Ponds lifted an eyebrow from where he was watching them from the safety of his bunk, “we’ve only technically been alive for twelve or thirteen years, and most of that time we spent in a training facility on Kamino.”
“Also, Ponds works with High General Windu, so you might want to tone down on the blatant Jedi Code violations,” Rex leaned in and hissed in Anakin’s ear, “friendly reminder, sir, we’re not actual trained therapists.”
Gree let out a long luxurious snore. Oh, how Rex wanted to be him right now.
“Wait, doesn’t Cody have like three hundred husbands?” Anakin asked, elbowing Rex, “Qui-Gon said he got married to a bunch of hot amazonian men on their last trip to the Unknown Regions with part of the 327th—”
Cody said something vulgar in Mando’a. Wolffe smothered a bark of laughter into his pillow. Gree slept on, blissfully unaware.
“Man, I really need to keep an eye on that command chat,” Bacara muttered, rubbing at his tired face.
“Yeah, you know what, General Skywalker,” Cody said, leaning over his bunk to glare at the Jedi reclining in Rex’s bed, “if one day Senator Kenobi tries to tie you down on an alter and fuck you in the ass under a full-moon, come find me.”
“Isn’t that exactly what he wants?” Wolffe pointed out.
“Guys,” Rex sighed, giving up. He turned to Anakin, “look, sir. I may not see eye-to-eye with Commander Fox, but he’s not unreasonable. Just go visit the senator at an appropriate time after you’ve scheduled an appointment.”
“So what you’re saying is, go and try to reason with him now.”
“That’s not what I—” Then Rex realized that this was the perfect opportunity to politely kick Skywalker out and finally get back to sleep. “You know what, third time’s the charm, general. Be sure to smile. No one can resist those baby blues.”
“Wish me luck,” Anakin said, jumping to his feet, blue eyes shining with renewed determination.
“Godspeed, sir,” Bacara muttered, throwing a sloppy salute in the Jedi's general vicinity with his eyes closed.
Rex sighed happily as the doors to their barracks clicked shut. He was finally going to get some sweet uninterrupted sleep.
Too bad the Universe had other plans.
[CC-Command_Communications_Log]
CC-2224 (Cody): Fox, you there?
CC-1010 (Admin): What?
CC-2224 (Cody): Did you let Skywalker in?
CC-1010 (Admin): Not a chance.
CC-2224 (Cody): Where is he now?
CC-1010 (Admin): Trying and failing to sneak in undetected.
CT-7567 (Rex): Fox, I hope you know that you’re responsible for Skywalker’s death if he falls while scaling up the senator’s apartment.
CC-1010 (Admin): How did you get into the commander's chat again, captain?
CC-1010 (Admin) has removed CT-7567 (Rex) from the group.
CC-3636 (Admin) has added CT-7567 (Rex) to the group.
CC-1010 (Admin): Hold up. Who gave you administrator status, Wolffe?
CC-3636 (Admin): You did. After I got you shit-faced last week and stole your wrist comm.
[ SYSTEM_UPDATE ]: CC-3636 (Admin) has changed CC-1010 (Admin) to CC-1010 (Foxy Mama) and modified ADMIN-status to MEMBER.
CC-3636 (Admin): I’m the supreme overlord now, Fox. Bow down to me, you bureaucratic robot man.
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): Stay where you are, CC-3636. I’m coming to arrest you.
CC-3636 (Admin): You can try. But who’s gonna keep the senator safe from Rex’s horny Jedi????
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): Wow. He really is climbing the side of the building right now.
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama) has uploaded HUD_Recording_34.
CT-7567 (Rex): Prayer circle for Anakin.
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): I am very tempted to just shoot him down from here but I think gravity has similar plans for your general.
CC-2224 (Cody): RIP General Skywalker. I hope you die a quick and painless death.
CC-3636 (Admin): Doesn’t the 500 Republica's outside coating get super hot in the night time now to dissuade assassins from doing exactly what he’s doing?
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): Yes. The Chancellor approved it during the last batch of security upgrades.
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama) has uploaded HUD_Recording_35.
CT-7567 (Rex): Oh gods. It happened.
CC-1138 (Bacara): Hope he’s at least wearing a codpiece. That’s a lot of friction and a long slide down.
CT-7567 (Rex): Flip on your other side, you stupid dumbass!
CC-3636 (Admin): You know he can’t hear your advice in our chat group right? That's a recording of him falling.
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): I’ve dispatched Thorn and Stone to retrieve the corpse.
CC-5052 (Bly): What’s going on? Who died?
CC-1138 (Bacara): Rex’s Jedi slid down the side of the Republica building on his dick.
CC-5052 (Bly): Ouch.
CC-3636 (Admin): Fox, which medbay should Rex go to for a viewing of the body?
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): Coruscant detention center, Senate Division. Ground floor.
CT-7567 (Rex): Seriously?
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): Yes. Bring republic credits if you don't want him locked up overnight. He’s being charged with intentional trespass and lewd behavior.
CT-7567 (Rex): Wait, why lewd behavior?
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): He ripped his pants on the way down and flashed his junk at a whole bunch of senators. There was a dinner party on the 156th floor.
CT-411 (Ponds): That’s evil. Poor Skywalker.
CC-2224 (Cody): Fox, are you secretly a Sith Lord?
CC-1010 (Foxy Mama): If I were, this war would have ended a long time ago.
CC-3636 (Admin): True that. He’s efficient af.
CT-7567 (Rex): Fuck my life.
CC-2224 (Cody): Yeah, we’re kicking you and your annoying Jedi side piece out of the commander barracks.