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KAZ
Kaz’s orders were clear and never disobeyed – his spider was to stay an arm’s length away and follow him, unnoticed. It was a test, and he was failing. Everyone had failed, and Kaz wondered if his standards haven’t gotten impossibly high. Kaz carefully scrutinised everyone he walked by and was happy to see no one dared to meet his gaze, but also saw each and every one of the passers-by lock eyes on his tail. They all saw him. Not good enough. He was the best and still wasn't good enough. Anger rose in Kaz and he gripped the crow’s head of his walking stick to concentrate his anger somewhere and not break his poker face. He made a sharp turn and entered an abandoned warehouse, stopping a few steps after the doorway and tapping his cane on the floor louder than he did while walking - a warning for everyone inside. No building in the Barrel was really abandoned. He made sure no one would set up shop here and also made sure the kids that couldn’t enjoy the privileges of parental or gang protection had a roof over their heads, in one form or another. As he entered the building, everyone scrambled into hiding. The residual echo of conversations and hurried footsteps faded away and everything that was left was silence. A single playing card shuffled out of one of the crates a few steps away, and a quiet whimper followed. Kaz narrowed his eyes, trying to make out the card in the darkness of the room. A marked card, belonging to one of the decks that were thrown away after a few rotations. He walked farther inside and using his walking stick, pushed the card back to where it came from without stopping. In the quiet, he could hear the faint footsteps of his spider – quiet enough, but in Kaz’s ears, they sounded like thunderclaps.
“Stay here, and guard the entrance.” He barked without turning around, and the footsteps behind him stopped. At least the boy was quick to take orders and didn’t feel the need to respond. Kaz took the single flight of stairs and walked into the only room in the place. Thin steel walls and windows, overlooking the warehouse – it was a watchpoint, not really a room, but it was the only privacy one could get here. In the middle was a single chair – currently occupied by the only person left in the Barrel, whom Kaz could trust with more than following his orders. “Good to see you, Jesper.”
“How’s it going?” Jesper seemed occupied with cleaning his guns, but Kaz knew better. Jesper has always been jittery in nature so if more than one part of him was still, there was a good reason. Kaz no longer asked – the last years had changed everyone. Sometimes ghosts of the past became shadows that engulf you beyond salvation, and no one knew this better than Kaz.
“The boy is unable to blend in. Everyone sees him, they look at him.” Said Kaz, answering Jesper's implied question. What's bothering you? Because Jesper knew him best.
“You can hardly blame them. He’s eye-candy if I’ve ever seen one.” The new spider was about 16, or so he said, with sharp features and unmarked, dark skin that could have earned him a good salary in almost every pleasure house. His hair was long and tied in intricate, small braids that ran down his back. “Get him a mask and problem solved. Everyone will be too scared to look at him.”
“And he’s loud. How is he supposed to sneak around if he can alert the deaf?” Jesper finally lifted his grey eyes and locked them with Kaz’s. After a silent moment, Kaz turned his back to Jesper and stared out at the boy standing guard near the door.
“Only you think he’s loud. He can sneak past every member of the Dregs. You’re just listening too intently for Inej-”
“I’m not!” Kaz’s voice was barely above a growl, and he heard Jesper holster his gun.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night. But we both know I’m always right.” Jesper hoped Kaz would bark back at him, it would mean he is not mad. But Kaz was silent, his gloved hand flexing around the head of his walking stick. The leather of his gloves made a threatening sound as it stretched. “What I mean is that it isn’t the boy’s fault that people notice him. People stare not because they see him, but because they don’t see…” Jesper hesitated. “Her. Or more likely because they see someone.”
“So, you’re saying I should keep him around.”
“I’m saying that he’s the best you've had. He has potential. Whether you keep him around or not is entirely up to you.” Jesper rose and joined Kaz, looking over the warehouse, standing a foot away from his friend. Despite everything, that’s what they were, in private at least. Away from the eyes and expectations that Kaz had to bear, he allowed himself to seek advice from Jesper.
“How’s Wylan?” Asked Kaz quietly.
“Still blushes when I say something mildly inappropriate to him. I love it.” Jesper grinned like a lovestruck fool.
“You love him.” Kaz corrected.
“I’m still not sure there is that much freedom in my life. With everything that happened, and everything that… I don’t think I can allow myself to really love him.” Kaz chuckled, a sound that sounded grave even in his ears. "Fine, I love him, and I've told him so. I still don't know if I can allow myself to accept it."
“Trust me, that isn’t really a decision you can make. It makes you.” Said Kaz pensively.
“You’ve become a real poet, you know that? Did you read that somewhere or did you think of it just now?” Laughed Jesper.
“Bold of you to assume I think before I speak nowadays. Rich people can afford that luxury.”
“I’ve never met anyone who thinks more than you, Kaz. And I went to university.” Jesper looked at Kaz, waiting for him to return the gaze. He gave up after a while. “The boy blends well. Keep him around, you’ll get used to him.” In a startling gesture, Kaz laid his free hand on Jesper’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. Jesper’s throat tightened and he swallowed hard. It was a simple gesture that meant a lot to both of them. Without another word, Kaz released him and walked out of the watch room.
His spider followed him all the way to the Crow Club. Kaz tried to keep his attention off the boy’s steps, and when that didn’t work, he tried to imprint it in his memory, hoping it’ll make it less noticeable to his ears. As soon as they reached the club, Kaz sent him off to guard the office. Then he made his rounds on the main floor, intimidating those who wanted to cheat and reminding everyone else that he sees all. Then he climbed up to his office. It had been a long day, and his leg was killing him. His spider was standing beside the door, and Kaz stopped in front of him for an update.
“Every trap is intact, and the office is clear, sir.”
“Good.” Kaz nodded, reaching for the door. “Stay guard on the roof until your shift is over. If anything suspicious happens, inform me first, the guards second.” With a nod, the boy ran down the hall and, without hesitation, flung himself out of a window, scaling up to the roof. Kaz opened the door and walked into the darkness of his office. It took him a moment to turn on the lamp by his door, but it was enough. He wasn’t alone in his office – someone was sitting in his chair, silent as a ghost.
INEJ
“Your new spider needs more training. He searched the whole room thoroughly, without once checking behind his back.” Kaz fumbled with the lamp, but even when he turned it on, he didn’t look at her. Inej understood, but something in her still rebelled – after all this time, he didn’t even glance at her. Kaz walked past her to the window and opened it wide, leaning out into the heavy Kerch night.
“Spider!” He yelled, then addressed Inej, still not looking at her. “Maybe you can teach him a trick or two while you’re in town.” A few moments later, a figure appeared on the windowsill. “Come in for a moment.” Kaz stepped aside and when the boy entered, he froze, seeing Inej behind Kaz’s desk. She gave him a little wave with her fingers, and his face went ashen.
“I…” The boy started but Kaz lifted his arm and the boy clamped his mouth shut.
“Your job is not just to move unnoticed. You also need to make sure there isn’t someone more unnoticeable behind you.” In a deliberate show of something, Inej was not privy to, Kaz took off his gloves and threw them on the desk, followed by his jacket before unbuttoning his shirt sleeves and rolling them up. Inej intently watched his bare fingers work the small buttons with the speed and elegance that had earned him his fame of a master lockpick. She tore her eyes away from Kaz and saw the boy staring at her.
“What’s your name?” She asked him, leaning farther back in Kaz’s chair. It smelled like him, and she planned on revelling in whatever proximity to him she could gather. The boy didn’t answer.
“Answer her, boy. If she meant me harm, we’d both be dead by now.” Kaz said, closing his window.
“Kees Dellemte.” Said the boy quietly.
“Well, Kees, you have potential. Get yourself some shoes with rubber soles – they’ll help you scale and walk even more quietly than you do now.” Said Inej and looked him up and down. He was short and slender, but she guessed that he was all muscle, wound tight around tendons and bones. She looked back at Kaz, who was looking at her. He was leaning on his walking stick and the window's ledge to take the weight off his bad leg. When their eyes met, he pushed himself off the ledge and approached Inej, before extending a bare hand towards her. She eyed him nervously.
“Get out of my chair, Wraith.” He said with a small smile on his lips.
Inej tentatively reached and clasped her hand around his, a jolt running through her whole body at the skin-to-skin contact. A sharp gasp from Kees drew Inej’s attention for a split-second before her eyes returned to Kaz. She studied his face intently for a sign of revulsion. He took advantage of her lapse in attention and braced himself before pulling her out of his chair and into him. He quickly spun around and placed one of his legs between hers, pinning her between himself and the desk. Inej’s heart was racing, and she felt blood rushing to her face, grateful her back was mostly turned to Kees, and he couldn’t see her blush. Kaz was so close to her she could feel the warmth radiating from him, but the only part of them touching were their hands.
“You’re released for tonight.” Said Kaz to the boy without taking his eyes off Inej. The faint sound of feet on the floor and the door opening and closing faded, but neither of them moved. Inej tried to take even breaths, and it took every ounce of self-control she had not to move closer to him. She felt his hand begin to tremble in hers and saw the muscles in his jaw contract, a sign that this was becoming too much for him. She released his hand, but his grasp didn’t loosen.
“Don’t push yourself, Kaz.” She whispered, and in response, he pushed closer to her. His thigh brushed against hers before his whole body was pressed to her. His breath came out jagged, but Inej was not sure whether it was because he was fighting himself, or because she had the same effect on him that he had on her.
“Keep talking.” He said, releasing her hand and resting his on her arm, over her sleeve. “Just… tell me a story.” She remembered the time in the prison-bound wagon in Fjerda and how he had asked her to keep talking when he had almost lost himself.
“My crew and I docked this morning.” She said quietly, her voice rough and barely audible. His eyes fluttered shut, and his face smoothed into his best poker face, as she had come to know. He leaned further, and she closed her eyes as well. “I paid them and let them roam, to spend their coin however they like. Before I leave again, I will collect only those who behaved themselves.”
Kaz’s hand trailed up Inej’s arm to her shoulder and then ghosted over her bare collarbones before resting over her heart, just below the collar of her tunic. After a few beats of her heart, Kaz retreated and sat in his chair. Inej took a deep breath and perched herself on his desk, one leg folded under her, to hide the fact that her legs were shaking. Kaz’s eyes were still closed, his expression held sadness, as well as disgust. Inej knew it wasn’t directed at her, but it still hurt her to see him like that.
“I thought I could do it.” He took a deep breath and his hands grasped the armrests of the chair, his nails digging in the leather.
“I told you not to push yourself.” She said, her voice even, now that she was more level-headed.
“It was worth it. You’re worth it.” He said, reaching for the papers on his desk to busy himself. The words hung heavy between them, and Inej wanted to reach over to him. She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t worth his suffering, but she knew better. For him, pushing his limits to be physically close to her was worth every second of nausea. Just as for her, he was worth every ounce of emotional pain that came with being back in Ketterdam. It was a game they were well accustomed to. “How long are you staying this time?” He asked, trying to ease the tension he created.
“I don’t know. I was thinking of staying a little longer this time.” She said leaping off his desk and walking to its other side, putting distance and solid objects between them, for both their sakes.
“You’re welcome to stay with the Dregs. I know your adventures at sea will be interesting to them. Most of them don’t know much, aside from this city.”
“Maybe I’ll teach your spider a trick or two. Make him more like me.” She quipped, leaning on the edge of the desk for a moment.
“Impossible.” Kaz’s voice was back to its normal timbre, as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on the desk. “He’s too loud.”
She saw the 17-year-old boy that had poured blood, sweat, and tears into building this life for himself, but she also saw the man that boy had become – just as guarded as he had been before, but he had a new perspective these days. Somewhere between those two was the person who had brought her parents back to her, at what cost she could never truly know. Inej had spent the whole day roaming the city, looking at how much had changed in the year she had been away, and trying to figure out how much had been his doing. She had seen the warehouse and all the kids that had made it their home. Some were younger than he had been when he and his brother had come to Ketterdam. She was proud of the man he had become and the way he took care of the people who lived under his power, whether they felt it or not.
“How about some food? I want to hear all about the warehouse full of kids and other miracles you’ve managed to pull while I was away.” She asked, and he nodded before gesturing for her to sit in the chair on the other side of the desk. "Sankt Kaz," she mocked silently, earning herself a stern look that would frighten anyone. Anyone, who wasn't her or Jesper.
“Kees!” he called, and the door opened, the boy standing there ready to take orders. As long as they weren’t to completely abandon his post, as it appeared. “Bring some food and something to drink. The good stuff.” Kees nodded and closed the door.
“He’s got potential.” Said Inej, settling into her chair.
KAZ
The food was gone in a matter of minutes, and Kaz watched as Inej licked the last of the juice off her fingers. When Kees had come back with the food, she had said that this would be the first meal of fresh meat and fruit she has had in months, so he let her have most of it.
“Why do you keep coming back?” Asked Kaz before taking a sip of his drink.
“Why do you keep letting me back?” Countered Inej.
“I asked first.” He used his negotiations voice. Inej remained silent, and Kaz could see she was weighing her options.
“You have some sort of power over me.” Her words shocked him. Something inside him was smug that she had admitted it. That the bastard of the Barrel must have deserved this, somehow. “No matter how far away I am, how long I’ve been gone, a part of me still resides in Ketterdam, with you. But I’m never whole – if I’m here, with you, I leave a part of me out in the open sea.”
“Do you think one day you’ll make a choice? Leave one part of you behind, and finally break free of Ketterdam and all the hurt it had caused you?” He asked tentatively without meeting her gaze. He fought the urge to look at her, to see her reaction. He didn’t want to see the hope in her eyes when she imagined being free of Ketterdam and the painful memories it held for her - the hope that she would be free of him.
“The damage is already done. My past travels with me, I don’t leave it on the docks when I set sail. But here people know. They know what I’ve been through and how I’m handling it.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“I don’t know yet.” He could feel her eyes on him, daring him to look at her. “What about you? Why do you keep letting me back in.” He remained silent for a long time. She waited patiently. He took a deep breath and pushed through every wall he had built to protect himself.
“Over time I had lost much and I have gained much. I used to be obsessed with power, coins, and status. I fought with teeth and claws to hold on to it.” He looked at her and hoped she could see how raw and open he was. He was allowing himself to be vulnerable and earnest, knowing she could break him with one word. “But everything I truly hold dear resides in those black eyes of yours.” He opened his arms gesturing to his surroundings. “I would give this all up if I thought it would fix me. If it would mean that I can touch you and be close to you without wanting to hurl.” He saw a tear roll down her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. He’d told her the truth, and now he could hide behind his façade again, where he felt safe.
“We’re a fucked-up pair.” She said, trying to mask her own feelings. “If only we weren’t as damaged.”
“We wouldn’t have met. I never would have become part of the Dregs and you would have never been in the Menagerie in the first place.” He said and stood up, leaning on his cane more than he would allow himself in front of anyone else.
“The Saints would have guided us.” He reached her chair, and walked past her to the door, turning the key and locking it. He wanted the world outside this room to disappear, just for tonight.
“Stay here tonight.” He walked back to her and stood next to her chair. When she looked up, it was as if he could see his reflection in her eyes. He saw the way he towered over her now, and the shadow of fear behind her eyes. He didn’t think when he locked the door that maybe it brought her back to the days of terror in her past, the same way his memories got the better of him. Before he could think better of it, he collapsed to his knees, pain from his bad leg shot through him, and he gasped as he hit the floor. The ultimate surrender of control he could give her. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you out, I promise.”
“I’ll stay.” She said, looking down at him, her eyes wide. But not with fear, but awe. He reached for her hand once again and gently brought it to his cheek. Her touch both elated him and turned his stomach over. He focused on how warm and soft she felt, to keep away the memories of cold, bloated flesh. He took a jagged breath, and she pulled her hand away. Feeling more defeated than he had in years, he rested his forehead on her knees and allowed the tears to flow out. She combed through his hair carefully, trying her best not to touch his scalp. He could hear her muttering under her breath – a prayer. He had never before allowed her to pray for him, in front of him, but he didn’t stop her now. He would let her pray all the time if it meant she would stay. If it meant that he would hear her voice and feel her there with him. His Inej.