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Dazai Osamu was six years old when he entered the sixth grade. He was small, and covered in bandages, and generally weird, and definitely smarter than all of his classmates, so he wasn’t very liked. For the first half of the year, his only friend was a former homeschooled named Oda Sakunosuke, or, as Dazai called him, Odasaku. Odasaku had two younger siblings and was generally good with little kids, and preferred their company to anyone his own age. Dazai had never experienced friendship before this, and of course idolized Odasaku. Within a week of their becoming friends, he stopped even trying to interact with any of their other classmates in favor of following Odasaku around like a lost puppy and talking his ear off. Odasaku’s mother wanted him to make more friends his own age, though, so when Sakaguchi Ango transferred into their class halfway through the school year and immediately became, through his intelligence and deep-seated shyness and the rainbow pin on his backpack, an automatic target for bullies everywhere, Odasaku convinced Dazai that this boy would fit in excellently with them, and thus their trio was born.
The three friends referred to themselves as the Buraiha, and all through middle and high school, they were inseparable. Dazai even chose not to skip more grades just to stay with Odasaku and Ango. In their freshman year of high school, Odasaku and Ango started dating. Dazai was happy for them, although he didn’t see the appeal, and anyway that year he was pretty distracted by the two kids Mori had brought home, a pair of siblings named Ryuunosuke and Gin. He bullied them relentlessly until he realized that it wasn’t Mori they were following around and trying to impress, it was him, and then he ran away to his weird neighbor Chuuya’s house until Odasaku managed to convince him that he could teach Dazai how to take care of little siblings who, despite his very best efforts, did not hate him. Since Odasaku’s siblings had grown from two to five over the past three years, Dazai was inclined to believe him and take his advice. However, he also smuggled Gin over to Mori’s friend Hirotsu’s house more often than not; Odasaku told him the job of a big brother was to protect his little siblings, and while he was bad at things like saying no to Mori and being nice to people who weren’t Odasaku or Ango, he was very good at sneaking around. When he managed to get her legally adopted by Hirotsu, Ryuu didn’t speak to him for two months. Dazai didn’t know whether he decided to start speaking to him again after those two months, because he had managed to send Ryuu there after, and wasn’t able to check in on them before everything started going wrong.
It was two weeks into their sophomore year that Odasaku made his online friend. Dazai and Ango privately agreed that strait.is.the.gate.69 was weird and a little bit sketchy, but it didn’t seem like he was up to anything illegal—Dazai had asked his Mafia contacts to look into him, and Ango had texted him once or twice (although he refused to hack him; he cited something chivalrous about respecting his boyfriend’s privacy that to Dazai sounded dumb, but he didn’t want to upset Odasaku by messing with a friendship when Ango wasn’t going along with it, so he let it drop) and they both agreed that he was weird, and not their kind of weird, but Odasaku liked him, so they tolerated him. Dazai, who trusted Odasaku implicitly, flirted with the idea of like him; Ango was just as painfully shy and awkward as he had been at eleven, and was too busy trying to choke down his fear that he would be eclipsed by this new, cool online friend to even consider growing any fuzzier feelings towards him. And then Odasaku started acting weird.
Neither of them suspected strait.is.the.gate.69’s influence. High school was hard, and they were in almost all separate classes, and Odasaku had a massive science project. Ango had a big project, too, although he was cagey about what it was for and started flaking out on Dazai and Odasaku. Dazai didn’t mind too much, because even after being best friends with both Odasaku and Ango for nearly five years, Odasaku was still his favorite. Ango kept disappearing, though, even after Odasaku’s big project finished, and Odasaku kept acting weird—suspicious and worried, and texting all the time. And then, one day at lunch, everything boiled over.
“Ango,” said Odasaku, frowning at his phone. “Are you cheating on me?”
Dazai choked on his sandwich and desperately hoped that he would actually die from it. He knew that choking was not a fun way to go. He had ruled it out a few years prior, actually, but this was not a conversation he wanted to be anywhere near. Besides, Ango wasn’t cheating.
Right?
“What?” Ango said, shocked. “No, I—I would never! Why would you think— what ?!”
“I don’t know, maybe because you’re never around anymore? And you’re lying about what you’re doing, too—I know you don’t have a big Econ project that you work on Wednesdays and Fridays, I talked to your teacher.”
“You talked to my—what the hell is wrong with you?!” Ango demanded, confusion switching to anger in five seconds flat.
“What’s wrong with you ?!” Even in the heat of anger, Odasaku would never swear, especially in front of Dazai, who wasn't yet eleven. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve been disappearing, how can I know you’re telling the truth?!”
“Why would I be lying ?!” Ango said. “Seriously, what motive would I have for that?”
“I don't know, Andre said people do it for all kinds of reasons!”
“ Andre ,” said Ango, sounding disgusted. “Who’s Andre ?”
“He’s strait.is.the.gate.69,” Odasaku said, defensiveness creeping into his voice.
“Oh my fucking God,” said Ango, who had no qualms about swearing in front of Dazai, because Dazai had taught him all the curse words he knew. “You seriously—you’re seriously believing some internet weirdo who you’ve known for like, a day , over me , who you’ve known since sixth grade ?”
“I’ve known him for a year and a half, actually,” said Odasaku. This was concerning to Dazai. He and Ango had only heard of him a month ago. Unless Odasaku had mentioned him to Ango earlier?
“Oh, because that’s so much better,” Ango said. He turned to Dazai, suddenly, and Dazai went very still, because his expression was the same as Mori’s was when Dazai managed to anger him so badly that he wasn’t trying to hide it anymore. “Dazai, you don’t believe this bullcrap, do you?”
“I,” Dazai said, words sticking in his throat. “I,” he wanted to say that he believed Ango, that he knew he wouldn’t do this, that maybe there was a mistake, but he couldn’t get it out. And Ango had been gone a lot, and if this was the end of the Buraiha, he wanted to stick with Odasaku, because Odasaku was his friend first, his very best friend in all the world. “Odasaku wouldn’t lie,” he said, and Ango slammed his hands on the table.
“Un-fucking-believable,” he snapped. “Un-fucking-believable! Fine. I’m done. We’re done!” He stood up and stalked away, slinging his bag over his shoulder. Dazai felt smaller than an ant—smaller than Chuuya as he watched him go.
“Good riddance!” Odasaku shouted after him.
The week after that was quiet and tense. Ango avoided both Dazai and Odasaku, and Dazai trailed after Odasaku like a bandage-wrapped shadow even as Odasaku texted Gide more and more. All Dazai wanted was for things to go back to the way they had been, but there was no way now, unless somehow Ango proved he wasn’t cheating and wanted anything to do with either of them. And neither of those things seemed likely to happen. Ever.
That Saturday, four days before Odasaku’s birthday, Dazai took his video camera and started vlogging himself walking to Odasaku’s house. This was something he’d picked up the habit of doing in seventh grade and never really dropped—even though the Buraiha YouTube channel he’d tried to get them to make fell through, Dazai still made videos for Odasaku and Ango (or just Odasaku, now) whenever he felt like he didn’t get to see them enough, or if he was upset and didn’t know how to say it to them, and this past week had been pure awful. He chattered about anything and everything that went through his head—the weather, his new haircut, Mori’s weird robot-thing that he insisted was his daughter, school (but not Ango), plans for Odasaku’s party, an odd worm he found…
He only stopped rambling when he knocked on Odasaku’s door, which was opened by one of his younger siblings, Kousuke.
“Ango?” Kousuke said excitedly.
“No, just me, sorry,” Dazai said. “Can I come in anyway?”
“Sure!” Kousuke stepped aside, and Dazai came in.
“Why did you ask if I was Ango?” he said. He was fairly certain that Odasaku would have told his siblings that they had broken up, and he didn’t think Ango would be coming over to Odasaku’s house randomly, anyway.
“He’s helping us make Odasaku a birthday surprise!” Kousuke said excitedly. “He comes over every Wednesday and Friday, although he missed last Wednesday, for some reason.”
“Really?” said Dazai, grinning. There was his proof! Ango hadn’t cheated! He had it on camera, and all he had to do was tell Odasaku and Ango! He decided to text Ango first—he probably owed him an apology for not saying anything earlier. He whipped out his phone as someone started knocking on the door.
Baby Shit: im really sorry for what happened this week
Baby Shit: i know i should have said something but it was super sudden and i was scared that if i argued things would get worse
Baby Shit: but i went looking and i found proof that u idn’t do it and maybe we can talk to Odasaku together?
Baby Shit: ive really missed u
There. It wasn’t completely 100% honest, but Dazai was never completely 100% honest anyway. He leaned against the wall and wondered if Ango would respond or if he had blocked him. He wouldn’t be surprised if it was the latter.
Teenage Shit: There are no words to describe how LITTLE I want to talk to Sakunosuke right now, but thank you for texting me and looking into this.
Teenage Shit: I’ve missed you too, us little shits have to stick together. How would you feel about me picking you up for ice cream, and we could hang out? Where are you right now?
Baby Shit: sure! im at Odasaku’s right now but he isn’t home
Baby Shit: i can meet you at the street corner or something
Teenage Shit: No it’s fine I need to explain to the kids why I’m not doing the birthday thing anymore
Baby Shit: ok
He heard Sakura open the door, exclaiming, “Ango!”
Baby Shit: damn ur here fast
Teenage Shit: That’s not me.
“Who are you? Odasaku says we aren’t allowed to let strangers in— AAAAAAAA !”
Sakura screamed, and then her scream cut off, and Dazai whipped his head around the corner to see a man with a long white braid pulling a knife out of her.
Baby Shit: ohgodhes gota k nife
Teenage Shit: WHAT
Teenage Shit: DAZAI GET OUT OF THERE GET OUT OF THERE NOW
Baby Shit: cnat hes at thrdoor
Baby Shit: stabbed sakura
Baby Shit: ithink shes dead
Teenage Shit: USE A WINDOW
But Kousuke and Shinji and Yu and Katsumi were still there, so Dazai ran to the bedroom to try to warn them. The white-haired man was faster, though, and caught him easily, shoving the knife into Dazai’s stomach. It didn’t come out.
Dazai made a gasping whimpering noise and fell against the wall when the man stopped trying to pull out the knife and instead pulled out what appeared to be a second knife and continued on. Dazai could hear the boys’ cries and screams as they were stabbed too. He closed his eyes and wondered if now was when he would die. Something splashed on him, and he smelled gasoline, and burning alive wasn’t how he wanted to die, but he was so tired .
The door opened and shut and his phone vibrated.
Teenage Shit: DAZAI
Teenage Shit: DAZAI ANSWER ME
Teenage Shit: oh god
Teenage Shit: DAZAI WHERE ARE YOU
Ango was worried. Why Ango was worried about him, Dazai had no idea, but he was worried, so Dazai pushed himself up and started dragging himself out of the building, slipping in gasoline and blood. He made it out and into the elevator and stumbled out onto the street. He collapsed in an alleyway a few meters away, the knife still sticking through his abdomen. The last thing he saw before everything went dark was a fuzzy figure leaning over him.
The moment Dazai texted about the man who stabbed Sakura, Ango started speeding. He kept texting, tried to keep his friend on the phone ( he’s only ten, he’s only ten, God, why) but he didn’t get a response. There was a red light, and he cursed his luck and everything else. Then he hit the next red light right before he got to Odasaku’s apartment and started cursing out loud until he saw the small shape huddled down a small side street.
He immediately pulled his car to the side of the road and sprinted into the alleyway. Dazai was slumped there, a knife sticking out from his stomach, buried much too deep. There was blood everywhere. A camera hung from a strap around his neck.
“Oh, God,” Ango muttered. He was sure this was Mori’s doing. That disgusting bastard had given Dazai equally horrible punishments in the past, and Ango had never been able to do anything about it. Reporting it to the police did jack shit, although it just might leave a paper trail for when they were older and actually able to do something about it. Ango wasn’t going to call anyone until Dazai was safe, though.
Dazai cracked one eye open at him. “...’dasaku?” he mumbled. “Ango?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” Ango said. He carefully picked Dazai up and didn’t think about what the fact that he was barely whimpering meant. “I’m going to get you to the hospital, you’ll be ok, I promise.” He buckled him into the passenger seat, removed the camera, and sped towards the hospital. As he passed Oda’s building, he saw flames roaring out of the top windows. “ Shit ,” he hissed. At least now he didn’t have to tell Oda that his siblings were dead. This wasn’t much better, though.
But there wasn’t anything Ango could do about it now, so he drove Dazai to the emergency room and watched as he was carted to the OR before opening his phone and calling the police. He stumbled through explaining what he saw and showed them Dazai’s texts and they assured him they’d get back to him and never did, which was really just typical.
Ango was sixteen and grieving and exhausted from caring, so after his third call asking for more information was ignored, he decided he wouldn’t do it anymore. Dazai was in an induced coma and Odasaku had apparently started dating Andre Gide, some weirdo college kid who died his hair white for whatever reason, and Ango couldn’t find it in himself to care. He just got up, went to school, did his work, and went home. At one point he made a breakup playlist, but he was fairly certain he only did it because he felt he was supposed to. He did listen to it, though. He liked it. He put the camera in a box and put the box in his closet to be forgotten until he decided to bring a camera to college. He visited Dazai on Wednesdays and Fridays, because he had them free anyway, and he wondered what it would be like when he woke up. The knife had gotten stuck in Dazai’s ribs, apparently, but they had gotten it out, and he would be waking up any day now. Even though it had been almost a month. And then one day he did wake up, but Ango wasn’t there. In the years after, he would wonder what would have happened if he had been.
When Dazai opened his eyes he was alone in the room. His abdomen ached, but it was somehow far away. He felt floaty and warm and...nice, actually, for the first time in a really long time. That was weird. Really weird.
A nurse came in. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Floaty,” Dazai told her. “Where’s Odasaku?”
“Your friend? He isn’t here, but I can call him, ok?”
“Ok,” he said. “And Ango too? They’re fighting so you can tell Ango I asked Odasaku to come and if he doesn’t want to be near him he doesn’t have to.”
“Alright,” the nurse said. She smiled at him, and checked a few machines and asked him a few questions, and then went off to call Odasaku and Ango. Dazai leaned back and closed his eyes a little, and when he opened them again, Odasaku was there, stroking his hair and singing to him: Fallen Angel , by Frankie Valli, the song he sung every time Dazai ended up like this. For a moment Dazai was content. But then he saw the man in the room with Odasaku. The white haired man, the one who had attacked Dazai and Kousuke and Shinji and Katsumi and Yu and Sakura was right there, right behind him. Dazai went stiff.
“Get out,” he said.
Odasaku frowned. “Dazai, it’s me. Odasaku. What’s wrong?”
“No, not you, him .” Dazai pointed at the white-haired man, who leered at him. Odasaku turned to look and the man’s expression shifted to worried confusion.
“Maybe he had a bad dream,” the man suggested.
Odasaku frowned. “I don’t know. Dazai, did you have a nightmare?”
“I got stabbed . Who is he?! Why is he here?!”
“He’s my boyfriend, Andre Gide. Remember strait.is.the.gate.69?”
“The internet weirdo. You said you met him a few days before school started. You also said you met him a year and a half ago. I think he might have convinced you Ango was cheating on you, but that was probably just a weird dream because Ango would never do that. He’s too busy and also he doesn’t like anyone other than us.”
Odasaku frowned. “He did, and Andre isn’t a weirdo.”
“Yeah, he’s worse than that. He's a murderer .”
Odasaku looked actually offended at this, as if Andre Gide hadn’t just killed all of his siblings and tried to kill Dazai. “He isn’t! He’s perfectly nice, Dazai. You haven’t even met him!”
...So he had lied to Odasaku. A few reasons spun through Dazai’s head before he pinned down the most likely one. “He’s probably abusive.”
“Dazai, just because you don’t like him for whatever reason—”
“He’s a monster! He’s pure evil! He’s worse than Mori!” Dazai shouted.
Odasaku looked really upset, and Dazai started to wonder if this was really the best choice of action.
“He’s on a lot of heavy medication right now. I’m sure he doesn’t know what he’s saying,” Gide said.
“I know exactly what I’m saying,” Dazai hissed. “You’re a monster, you’re a murderer, get the hell away from Odasaku!”
“Dazai!” Odasaku scolded. “He’s very sweet! You’ve literally just met him for goodness sakes!”
Dazai spoke without thinking. “If he’s such a great guy then choose! Him or me!”
Odasaku flinched back, looking hurt. Dazai wondered if maybe this wasn’t the best choice, but there was no turning back now.
“Him or me,” Dazai said again. He needed to get Gide away from Odasaku, and this was the quickest and easiest way, aside from murder, which Dazai didn’t feel all that up to at the moment.
Odasaku looked very sad. “Please, Dazai. Don’t do this.”
“ Choose ,” said Dazai.
Odasaku’s hand left Dazai’s hair. That was weird. Why would he do that? Then Odasaku stood up. “I hope you change your mind one day, Osamu,” he said. That was weirder. Odasaku only called him “Osamu” when he was very serious, if something bad had happened.
“I won’t,” said Dazai, because even if he wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, he still didn’t want Gide anywhere near Odasaku. Odasaku was his best friend.
Odasaku looked very sad. He left the hospital room. Gide smirked at Dazai.
“Thanks you,” he said quietly. “It would have been much more tedious to try to get him to cut you off on his own.”
“He didn’t,” said Dazai. Gide only smirked at him, clearly pleased with himself.
To Dazai, the idea that Odasaku wouldn’t choose him was unfathomable. Dazai would choose Odasaku, always, over anything. He was convinced that Odasaku would choose him too, but Odasaku didn’t come back. Slowly, as the painkillers began to wear off and the pain in his stomach got closer and closer he realized that Odasaku was really gone. That he wasn’t coming back, maybe ever. That he had chosen Andre Gide , the man who had killed his siblings , over Dazai. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw up.
Ango walked in. “How are you feeling?” he asked. Dazai has three options. He wasn’t sure which was the worst one, but he didn’t want to look weak in front of Ango, because then Ango would leave too, and crying and throwing up were both weak.
In the years to come, Dazai would never quite remember what exactly he screamed at Ango that day. But he would never forget the way Ango’s face pinched up, the flat tone of his voice when he said, “I don’t have to deal with this.”
When Ango turned and started walking away, Dazai realized what he’d done. “Wait, Ango,” he said. “I’m sorry.” But Ango didn’t hear, or if he did, he didn’t care. Dazai leaned over the side of the bed and vomited. It didn’t make him feel better, so finally, two out of his three options already exhausted, he pressed his face into the thin pillow and began to cry.
For the month Dazai was in the hospital, he received no visitors. He was fairly certain that Ryuu and Gin might have tried to come by, but he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to know. He spent his time amusing himself with the morphine clicker. He had never been allowed to have morphine while in the hospital before. It helped the hurt of losing the two most important people in his life, and after he left the hospital he didn’t want to give it up. So he didn’t.
Afterwards, he would vaguely remember stealing Mori’s money and running away. Buying drugs in the back of a convenience store, getting high and sleeping on the streets, doing whatever he could to forget the way he had chased away both of his friends. His next clear memory was of a boy with blonde hair curling around his shoulders sitting next to him, talking softly to him, bringing him to a warm house full of kids. But Dazai didn’t let himself relax.
He already knew that nobody could tolerate him. He couldn’t get comfortable here or it would just hurt more when he lost it all again.