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it was in winter 2019 when one of the coldest night approached seoul unabashedly. boats docked on frozen stream, children tucked in bed, a thick layer of snow pooled on the roof. yet a car, a hyundai tucson in particular, still found in motion in the midst of the cold, the driver safe in the work of the heater and a pleasant feeling sitting in his gut. the feeling fuzzy, a mix of excitement and affinity.
the radio was playing a soft electronic tune as the car passed by the headlight one by one. with the street ahead of him almost empty, jeongguk nearly felt invincible, especially then when a buzz of eagerness coursed through his system. two things that stopped him from accelerating were his mum’s warning, a memory that went back to the day he got his driver license, and his words that jeongguk heard loud and clear through the telephone right before he turned his key in the ignition.
“you know the drill, jeon jeongguk. drive safely or i’m going to sing rocketeer every night, right before you sleep, so that you won’t forget my beautiful high note for the rest of your life.”
“does that mean i’m haunted?”
“how dare you?! it is a blessing to hear my high note.“
“but if it’s a blessing then it doesn’t really work as a threat.”
“ah, shit. why are you so smart? no wonder you finished college early. okay, fine — i know what works — drive safely or i won’t buy you meat ever again.“
“now, that’s a warning. don’t go anywhere, seokjin. i’m gonna be there in no time.”
“aw, such a prince charming. a bratty prince charming who still needs to be reminded to call me hyung!“
“everyone knows i’m charming, and you know you like it when i don’t call you hyung.”
“jeon jeongguk, i always put politeness as the first thing on my list of ‘what i look for in a man’.”
“i’m flattered that you count me in as a possible suitor.”
jeongguk could hear a sigh of defeat from the other’s end, “i can never win an argument with you, can’t i?“
“you can if you just accept the fact that you adore me.”
“isn’t it the other way around?“
“i’m devoted to you, seokjin-hyung. haven’t i made it clear?”
when jeongguk had arrived at the junction where a seven eleven was still alive and bright, there he could see a man standing in front of the store with a coat covering a grey blazer and hair already swirled by the freezing air. he could see some passersby jog near the area. some looked like employees, seeing from their blazer and untucked tie, others unrecognizeable.
jeongguk halted the car when he’s right in front of the said convenience store. he quickly unlocked the door seeing that seokjin could be freezing out there. the man ran to the passenger seat, opened the door without a doubt, and shut it in no time. seokjin threw his bag to the backseat in one swift movement.
“oh my god, i can’t feel my body.”
jeongguk sent an apologetic smile. “sorry, hyung. did you wait long outside?”
seokjin swatted his hand. “nah, don’t worry, i only stood outside for awhile. decided to buy a ramyun cup a few mins before you arrived.”
“did you eat well?” jeongguk sang song.
“too well.” seokjin answered, a grin plastered on his face, then it was quickly replaced by a shudder. seokjin went back to shivering. “lord, what did seoul do to deserve this weather.”
“a lot, but the question is supposed to be why would anyone be outside in this weather.” jeongguk turned his body to face seokjin and almost immediately regreted his decision — because how the fuck could someone look like that in this cold? is seokjin a vampire? why are his lips so red it doesn’t make sense.
seokjin sighed as he slumped on the seat, “it’s the monthly noraebang session. i can’t say no, you know that.”
it had been a few months since seokjin moved to a new office as a beginner management accountant. his office was a reputable company that turned out to be quite a chaos on the inside, seeing from how the hierarchy was still highly implemented and a newcomer was treated like a toy until they could reach a higher level. only until the higher ups noted that the newcomers were worthy to be seen as an equal then they would stop the shameful entertainment.
jeongguk, as a freelance videographer, could never understand how stressful it could be, but he saw how the entire thing took a toll on seokjin. from the endless extra night out seokjin needed to attend, to the additional paperworks that seokjin was sure he wasn’t responsible for. jeongguk closed his eyes, giving himself some time to take a deep breath so he didn’t give out a hard blow. he finally settled with : “your office is full of shitty old men.”
“i know.” seokjin said. his red lips pouted. jeongguk stared at the redness and thought, love, love, love, my love. a hard headed love, a love that took time to understand. they had been arguing about this a couple of times. that night wasn’t the first and probably wouldn’t be the last, because both of them were aware that it was bad to stay in a place where you were not appreciated. although a man in need of money, a man on survival mode, would take anything he could get just to pass another day without thinking of a dry bank account. hence jeongguk didn’t push, didn’t corner seokjin because what the man needed wasn’t another threat, but compassion.
thus, it led jeongguk to ask : “hyung, do you need a hug?”
seokjin sniffed, “that took you too long to figure out. come here and hug me tight. i’m like an ice now. i’m not kim seokjin, i’m olaf, and i need warm hugs.”
jeongguk laughed and pulled seokjin into a hug. it wasn’t the most comfortable position with the console in the middle, but they managed. jeongguk kissed the top of seokjin’s head when seokjin nuzzled his neck.
“jeongguk, i think your hug gives me superpower. it’s like i’m fully recharged, and now i can finally win the highest level on temple run.” seokjin said, voice muffled. he breathed the scent of detergent that lingered on jeongguk’s pad, perfectly mixed with another scent that solely belonged to jeongguk. if seokjin were asked to describe it, he would immediately think of autumn, crisp and woody, and warm, like marshmallow, and safe, like home.
“hyung, that game is ancient.” jeongguk chuckled. they untangled themselves after a few more seconds. seokjin missed the warmth right away when he noticed the growing space between them. he thought for awhile that jeongguk was too warm to be a human being. perhaps seokjin was deceived, too swooned by a pair of dazzling eyes that looked like pretty marbles — well, he had personal endearment for marbles since he was a kid — to uncover the truth.
“hey, guk-ah.” seokjin said when the car was already moving and jeongguk had both of his hands on the steering wheel. they were on the highway, car moving at a steady pace.
“hm?”
“are you a wolf?”
“what-”
seokjin’s right palm went to his chin, “hmm, if you’re a wolf, i would probably be a vampire.”
jeongguk raised one of his eyebrow. “doesn’t that mean we’re enemies?”
“jeongguk,” seokjin said, earning a quick glance from the driver’s seat, “there’s a reason people adore enemies to lovers trope.”
the reply made jeongguk snort. “i kinda think you’ve been reading too many YA novels lately.” jeongguk’s mind played back a certain memory of him finding a dystopian novel underneath seokjin’s pillow, then flash forward to the scene where he teased seokjin to no end. it was about revolution, jeongguk! seokjin said at that time. jeongguk wanted to argue, but he found a better amusement in the way seokjin’s ears became redder as he held the book closer to his chest.
“it’s a source of entertainment for a reason, babe.”
jeongguk’s inside did a triple back flip when he caught the pet name slipping out of seokjin’s mouth. babe, babe, babe. no matter how many times seokjin said it, jeongguk could never get used to it. it was a different feeling each time, but one thing those moments have in common was the way his heart got swept away by an imaginary ocean wave. bring it on, jeongguk almost wanted to say. babe, honey, darling, sweetheart, i’m all yours.
after they arrived at their apartment building and jeongguk parked his car at its usual spot, they jogged to take a cover from the offensive snowflakes and rushed to the elevator.
after one of them pushed the button and saw the doors were closing, seokjin asked, “do you know that i love elevator?” jeongguk who was busy rubbing his palms together soon stopped the movement to respond.
“no. why? is there any secret anecdote?” noticing that it was too late and cold for anyone else to be out, jeongguk took the moment to get closer to seokjin in the empty space. he reached for the other’s hand, interlacing their fingers with one another.
seokjin shrugged. “i love the music.”
“oh, god.” jeongguk grunted, eliciting a big smile from seokjin.
“i even made an elevator playlist on my phone.”
jeongguk shook his head, but secretly endeared in so many ways. “only you, hyung.”
“according to spotify, i’m only one of the 11.186 people who love elevator music. and we know 11.186 is a big number.”
jeongguk hummed, only agreeing just so seokjin wouldn’t kick his ass. but seokjin saw his expression and immediately took an action to pinch jeongguk’s arm. jeongguk jolted a bit but not intending to give a counter attack. they both laughed at their own silliness afterwards.
“well, i have quite a different story with elevator,” jeongguk said as he swayed their hands back and forth. he watched the number on the small monitor ascended. “i used to be scared of it.”
“you? the man who jumped from heights upside down? scared of the elevator?”
jeongguk nodded. “the one and only.”
seokjin’s forehead creased. he furrowed his eyebrows, pondering. “why haven’t i known this before? okay, shoot it. give me the backstory.”
jeongguk sighed. he remembered it crystal clear; how his legs shook and how his ears rang, palms excreted cold sweat.
“i was scared i couldn’t get out. like once i stepped into the space, i felt threatened. i was scared it would drop, or it would get burnt. i don’t know. my imagination was wild when i was a kid. it got my mum very worried, especially when we still lived in our old apartment.”
the imagery sent a punch to seokjin’s gut. fear was always a hard thing to tackle throughout life. seokjin knew that; he was a man full of fears himself. to hear that jeongguk was battling with an overwhelming fear since he was young made seokjin want to coddle jeongguk, sheltering him from any kind of threat the world had in store.
“so, did you go to a professional?”
jeongguk scrunched his nose and pursed his lips, “nah. i just…i don’t know. i was slowly destroyed when i saw my mum struggling. my fear made her took the stairs all the time. we lived on the 5th floor, and it probably didn’t even look like a big number. but still, i saw her, from time to time, sweating and sighing, yet she never said a thing about it. she just smiled and held me tightly in her arms.” he smiled at the memory. a distant image of pure selflessness that got framed and put on one of the shelves inside his mind. “i remember her saying, ‘just a little bit more, my love. then we will arrive at the moon.’ after awhile i started to think of the elevator as a rocket that could send us to the moon faster. so one day i just pulled her hand to the elevator and said i wanted to ride it. she almost cried in public.”
seokjin held his hand tighter, “your mum is always sweet.” and you’re sweet like her, he wanted to say. he could picture little jeongguk, with his bowl-cut hair bouncing, walking towards the elevator just because he didn’t want his mum to sweat more than she could bear. jeongguk never failed to amaze seokjin, never failed to bring warmth to his chest. it drove seokjin to near-explosion, he wanted to kiss jeongguk right there in the elevator just to ease his heart.
jeongguk smiled wider when the number on the monitor notified that they have arrived at their floor. they walked out of the cramped space to the familiar hallway, hands still intertwined. “the sweetest indeed. but now she has a competitor, do you know that? i think she would be mad if she knew.”
“hmm, i wonder who that is.” seokjin teased. jeongguk laughed as his hand unlocked the door with 1018 nailed on its frame. a cold breeze passed them, encouraging them to quickly get inside and shut the door. both jeongguk and seokjin took off their coats and shoes, getting inside the room with a lighter mood and less heavy shoulders.
when jeongguk wanted to go to the bathroom, seokjin stopped him in his track. a hand moved to jeongguk’s nape, soft fingers playing with strands of his hair. his own hair felt a bit greasy that it made jeongguk almost uneasy, but he was not too uncomfortable that he wanted to move away. for it was seokjin who moved closer, invading his space, crowding him with scent of citrus and something that was a bit floral. seokjin who never doubted him, seokjin who never made him feel bad about being himself, seokjin who smelled like spring even when it was heavily snowing outside. after a split of second, he heard seokjin say with a soft voice : “thank you for picking me up.” followed by a quick peck.
seokjin’s lips felt like a frozen apple if that even made sense. jeongguk thought to himself that it almost didn’t, but why would i bother to describe how it felt to other people? it was my privilege, his secret selfish self thought. it was his biggest privilege to be able to hold seokjin closer, to be able to feel his presence in such close distant everyday, to be able to help him when he needed it, to be able to see seokjin on the coldest day in 2019 and offer him a hug, a place to rest his worn out shoulders.
“that’s nothing, hyung. i’m just glad you’re safe now.” he hugged seokjin closer, not wanting to give even the slightest chance for coldness to hit seokjin.
“welcome home, sweetheart.” the endearment spilled, and jeongguk was a tiny bit scared. of what, he wasn’t sure, but when he let go of their embrace and saw seokjin’s lips turn upward, his cheeks red, and his eyes warm; he knew he should’ve had nothing to worry about.
seokjin pinched jeongguk’s cheek, earning an exaggerated ouch from the owner.
“yes, love. i think i’m home.”