Work Text:
Dean
Lately I can't sleep, I flip the pillow
Tossing and turning and checking my cell phone
My head is a mess and so is my bedroom
I write a text then delete it, "I love you"
I sit on a ratty mattress head in my hands as I cry. The consistent hum of the a.c. buzzes around my head and through my ears like an annoying little nat. The tears that flow from swollen eyes stick to brown lashes, like sweat on skin. My skin feels prickly and breath short as I clench and clench and clench the beer bottle in my hand. Surprised when the fragile glass doesn't shatter and pierce my already sensitive flesh.
This is all I do anymore. Just sit, drink and wallow in self-pity and hatred . The Winchester Special.
I throw my head back as I take a swing of the bitter alcohol, tears mixing with sweat and spilt beer as I try to hold my swimming head up. But I don't want to. I just want to sleep. Forever . Maybe then I could finally forget about Cas, forget about Dad, forgot about all my responsibilities.
The rough slam of the car door alarmed me enough that I dropped the green glass and nearly fell off of the shitty mattress in my haste to clean up.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
I hiss as I rake the shards into shaky palms, haphazardly throwing the pieces into the small trash can in the corner.
A key rattled In the lock, I dropped the closest thing to me to the ground; one of my t-shirts, and used it to mop up the puddle of beer from the rotting floor.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
Before I could respond a textured palm clasped onto my shoulder and tossed me back into the nearest wall. I groaned as my back hit the edge of the window sill, as that hand returned and pinned my torso to that spot, before the owner of the hand started to yell.
"Did you make a fucking mess with the beer again Dean? Damnit, now we are going to have to live in a room that smells like it was soaked in fucking beer!"
I resisted the urge to close my eyes as I stared up at the livid man before me. "I know. I know Dad, I'm sorry. It was a mistake, it slipped from my hand, it won't happen again I promise."
Cold brown eyes calculated the honesty in my words before roughly pushing my side and heading to the opposite side of the small motel room.
"Go pick up Samuel."
In a flash,a pair of shiny car keys smacked me right in the center of the forehead, before the sound of a door slamming shook the floor.
I quickly bent down and picked up the keys, and quietly made my way out of the motel room and into the hot parking lot where Baby was waiting for me. I get myself into the car, turn the engine on and blast the air before I let myself break down. Again.
But this time I was babbling, words and apologies to myself, to Sam, to Cas.
"I'm so sorry Cas, so- god so fucking sorry Angel I- -Sammy needed me and Dad is-god. I'm so sorry-so sorry for- I never should have left never shou-shoulda tried to- ah"
My body aches with it, shaking and jolting around like a pebble in a blender. Shoulders hunching up and around myself as I mumble confessions underneath my breath, wishing that people that they were meant for could just hear them.
That they could just see how sorry I was, that I never wanted to leave but that I needed too. That the last thing I wanted was to break their heart, but that I had to leave because my family needed me, that Sammy needed me. That without me Sam suffered under the hands of our father and that when my own little brother called my crying and hiccuping into the phone, saying that John blackmailed him to drop school that he threatened Sammy's girlfriend I-
"I couldn't do that to him Cas-I couldn't- I-I'm so damn sorry Angel. So fucking sorry."
But everyday, I still wait for you
No, I don't want this to be true
This beautiful disaster is you
'Cause you've been the one
You know this will never change
But everyday, I still wait for you
Little did Dean know that his Angel was still thinking about him too.