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Jiang Cheng is cursing up a storm as he makes his way through the incredibly thick underbrush of the forest he’s currently in.
Luckily, there is no one around to hear him so he gives his displeasure voice by cursing even more.
He thinks this stupid hunt deserves it.
They still don’t know what exactly they are hunting, but so far no people have come to harm; there just have been some reports of a person in the woods, ‘ruining lives’. No one wanted to elaborate on that, but since no bodies have shown up yet, Jiang Cheng thinks the danger this creature is posing is rather slim.
And this is why he’s alone in the woods right now. He took a bunch of disciples—and Lan Xichen—on this hunt, but decided they should split up, so they could cover more ground.
Jiang Cheng is happy about his decision now, because there were a few junior disciples amongst the group and they really don’t need to hear him curse like this.
“Fucking dammit,” Jiang Cheng mutters under his breath when he stumbles over a branch yet again, and he has half a mind drawing Sandu just so he can cut out a path for himself.
“I cannot fucking believe this,” he goes on, as he stumbles further down the half-walkable path he’s on. “This monster better be fucking worth it or I’m going to strangle it just on principle.”
Jiang Cheng is still grumbling under his breath when the thick underbrush finally clears a little into something like an open space. Jiang Cheng quickly walks into the middle of it, simply glad to be out of the forest, but before he can fully relax there’s a rustling to his side and he whirls around, Sandu already out of its sheath.
“It’s just me,” Lan Xichen tells him with a small smile and Jiang Cheng forces himself to relax again.
“What the hell are you doing? I thought we were going to meet back up in Lotus Pier?”
“We were,” Lan Xichen says but then he shakes his head. “I just wanted to talk to you and I wanted to do it away from prying eyes,” he tacks on and Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes at him.
He understands that the constant scrutiny in Lotus Pier must be a bit much for Lan Xichen, but his people aren’t hostile; they simply want to make sure Lan Xichen only has his best interest in heart and Jiang Cheng thought he was okay with that.
“A talk?” he repeats and dread settles in his stomach when Lan Xichen nods without the usual hint of a smile on his face. “About what?” Jiang Cheng forces himself to ask, even though deep in his heart he already knows what Lan Xichen is going to say.
Jiang Cheng has been afraid of this very moment since the very first time Lan Xichen expressed romantic interest in him.
“About us,” Lan Xichen answers him and Jiang Cheng forces himself to keep his chin high and his shoulders straight.
“So talk,” he bites out and wants to hide when Lan Xichen gives him a pitiful smile.
“You already know what’s coming, don’t you?” Lan Xichen asks him but Jiang Cheng shakes his head.
“I wouldn’t dare to presume to know your thoughts,” he forces out and Lan Xichen chuckles slightly.
“Good,” Lan Xichen says, but there’s almost something like a sneer in his voice. “Then let me tell you,” Lan Xichen goes on and Jiang Cheng can’t even close his eyes against what’s coming because he knows he deserves it.
“I resent you,” Lan Xichen starts and a pit forms at the bottom of Jiang Cheng’s stomach; a pit where Jiang Cheng’s heart will be swallowed whole, he already knows it.
“I thought I could learn to love you—learn to like you, if we’re being honest here—but all that time I spent with you did was show me how horrid you really are. You are angry and vicious; there is no love in you anywhere, despite what you wanted to make me believe.”
“I see,” Jiang Cheng whispers as he tries to keep the hurt out of his voice, but Lan Xichen shakes his head.
“I’m not done yet,” he snaps and Jiang Cheng can do nothing but stand there and endure it as Lan Xichen keeps talking. “You are nothing, Wanyin, nothing at all. Your power comes from the name your father gave you, the spiritual tool your mother gave you and the core your brother gave you. And yet, despite their numerous sacrifices you barely amount to anything. You couldn’t even raise Jin Ling right, he’s a spoilt brat with anger issues, just like you.”
Jiang Cheng’s breath is coming quicker the more Lan Xichen talks, but there is nothing he can say against this.
It’s all true, after all.
“How could I ever love you,” Lan Xichen scoffs. “You are despicable and I resent you so much I’m not even sure simply leaving you is enough. And the fact that you think I could ever love you just shows how arrogant you are; how highly you think of yourself when all your life you never amounted to much.”
Jiang Cheng works his jaw against the sharp pain in his chest, but still, no words come to him. And how could he ever say anything against this? He has wondered from the very first moment just how Lan Xichen could bear to be in his presence and it’s not at all a surprise to hear now that Lan Xichen actually couldn’t.
There is nothing loveable about Jiang Cheng, and he’s very aware of that.
Having Lan Xichen by his side for as long as he did has always been a fluke, Jiang Cheng knows that, and it seems that Lan Xichen finally realized it as well.
“I understand,” Jiang Cheng says after a while, making sure that this time Lan Xichen really is done, and he forces a smile on his lips. “I wish you the best,” he presses out and then bows to Lan Xichen; one Sect Leader paying respects to another, because from this moment on, that is all they are.
Jiang Cheng turns his back on Lan Xichen, praying to all the gods he knows that Lan Xichen can’t see his trembling fingers.
It wouldn’t do to show any weakness now; Lan Xichen already thinks the worst—the truth, a small voice in Jiang Cheng’s head whispers—about him, and right now Jiang Cheng’s stubbornness is the only thing he has left to hide how hurt he really is by this.
He almost dared to hope; almost dared to hope that somehow he was worthy of Lan Xichen, but of course it was nothing more than an illusion.
Of course someone like Lan Xichen can’t even like him.
Still, Jiang Cheng’s heart is nothing more than crumbles in his chest and they grate against his ribcage with every breath he takes. He guesses it’s what he deserves after he made Lan Xichen stay with him for as long as he did.
By the time Jiang Cheng reunites with some of his disciples he mostly has himself back under control again. He might have taken a moment to viciously lash out with Zidian—yet another thing about himself that Lan Xichen must hate: his temper—and he might also have taken a moment to sink to the forest floor and curl up into a small ball, but no one has to know about that.
When his disciples greet him he’s already back to the ill-tempered Sect Leader they are used to.
Lan Xichen leaving was an inevitability that Jiang Cheng has prepared for from the very start and it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to him.
“What are we going to do now, Sect Leader?” one of the disciple asks and effectively startles Jiang Cheng out of his thoughts.
“We’re going back to Lotus Pier, according to plan. We might have to do more investigation before we can figure out what we’re dealing with,” Jiang Cheng gives back and is grateful when everyone nods and falls into place behind him.
They quickly fly back to Lotus Pier and when they arrive there, Jiang Cheng immediately leaves for his personal quarters. He hates himself a little bit for his need to be alone right now—he’s aware of just how weak it makes him—but he can’t deal with any Sect matters right now and he doesn’t want to snap at people who don’t deserve it. Which would be everyone since the fault likes solely with him.
So, hiding away it is.
Jiang Cheng just sat down with a bottle of alcohol, when the door to his room opens and Lan Xichen steps inside.
Jiang Cheng freezes when he sees him, cup halfway raised to his mouth, as he tracks Lan Xichen’s progress through the room; he puts Shuoyue down on the stand like he always does and then he comes over to Jiang Cheng to lean down and press a kiss to his brow.
“What the fuck are you playing at?” Jiang Cheng blurts out, as he jerks away from Lan Xichen, Zidian already sparking to life on his hand.
“Wanyin?” Lan Xichen asks, his hands carefully raised in front of his body. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” Jiang Cheng hisses at him and with a flick of his wrist Zidian springs into his hand, the cup crashing to the ground. “Who are you? What do you want?”
“It’s me,” Lan Xichen says, clearly confused now. “It’s just me, Wanyin. I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“I can tell you what’s going on. You don’t get to come here, after what you said to me in the forest, and pretend like nothing at all happened. I knew that this was inevitable but I never figured you’d be this cruel.”
“In the forest?” Lan Xichen repeats with a frown. “But we split up in the forest. I didn’t see you all afternoon.”
“How dare you. At least stand to what you said and don’t play around like this!”
“Wanyin, what happened in the forest?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Jiang Cheng scoffs.
“Nothing I didn’t anticipate,” he snaps back. “What I didn’t expect was you playing around like this!”
“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about,” Lan Xichen says again and Jiang Cheng can tell that he is honestly confused.
Still, it does nothing to calm his racing heart.
“What is going on? What happened in the forest?” Lan Xichen wants to know again and Jiang Cheng forces Zidian to be dormant again.
“You told me quite clearly what you think of me,” Jiang Cheng bites out and his heart throbs painfully at the reminder of it. “How little you really think of me.”
“Then it wasn’t me who said that, because I hold you in the highest regard,” Lan Xichen immediately gives back and Jiang Cheng scoffs.
“Yeah, right,” he mutters but Lan Xichen shakes his head.
“Listen to me, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen says as he steps forward to take Jiang Cheng’s hands in his.
Jiang Cheng jerks at the contact, but he allows it for now.
“I know you fear that I will one day wake up and no longer love you,” Lan Xichen says and now Jiang Cheng jerks for an entirely different reason. “But that will never happen.”
Jiang Cheng can’t keep Lan Xichen’s gaze. He suspected that Lan Xichen knew about his insecurities—knows how worthless Jiang Cheng really is—but to hear it plainly like this still comes as a shock.
“You’re wrong,” Jiang Cheng whispers because what Lan Xichen—the Lan Xichen in the forest said to him—must be the truth.
“No, you are,” Lan Xichen gives back. “I love you. I love how courageous you are, how fierce and loyal, how protective. I love your stubbornness and your rudeness and your inability to mince the truth even a little bit because you figure it’s better to hear it all at once instead of being fed a lie. I love that you are always stronger than people expect of you, especially in the face of tragedy and that you never let it change who you are. I love your dry sense of humor and I am in constant awe over everything you have accomplished in your life. I love you.”
Jiang Cheng can feel his eyes prick with tears and he weakly shakes his head.
“You’ll realize how bad I am for you one day,” Jiang Cheng mumbles, because he knows it’s inevitable that Lan Xichen will see just what a bad influence Jiang Cheng is on him.
“Never,” Lan Xichen replies. “Because you are not. You are everything I want and so much more than I need.”
“You don’t deserve to be settled with me,” Jiang Cheng says because he knows he’s too much all the time and clearly so much more than what Lan Xichen can deal with.
“But I want to be settled with you,” Lan Xichen decisively says. “And I doubt I could find anyone better. Wanyin, I don’t know where I would be without you. I don’t think I would have made it out of seclusion by myself. I doubted my every word, my every instinct, because they have led me so horribly wrong with Jin Guangyao. But you forced me to see that maybe the fault doesn’t lie with me. You made me understand just how manipulating he was and without you, I would never have left seclusion. I didn’t have the strength for it.”
“That’s not true,” Jiang Cheng disagrees, “you are the strongest person I know.”
“Because I have your strength to fall on,” Lan Xichen smoothly gives back. “Without you, I wouldn’t even be half as strong.”
Lan Xichen lets his words sink in for a few moments, before he speaks again.
“I love you. You’re my heart,” he whispers as he leans forward and brushes his lips over Jiang Cheng’s cheek. “Will you believe me, Wanyin?”
Jiang Cheng swallows a few times, but in the end he nods. He will trust Lan Xichen with this.
“Now tell me what happened in the forest,” Lan Xichen says after a sweet kiss and Jiang Cheng sighs as he slumps slightly in on himself.
“I met you, or I thought I did,” he starts and Lan Xichen makes an encouraging noise. “And you told me what you really think of me. How you resent me,” Jiang Cheng finishes with a whisper, because even now that Lan Xichen said again and again that he loves him, it still pierces something in Jiang Cheng’s heart to remember those words.
“I don’t,” Lan Xichen immediately says and chases the bad thoughts away with kisses pressed to Jiang Cheng’s brow. “I would never.”
“I—okay,” Jiang Cheng says and nods. “I believe you.”
“I think you met what we were hunting,” Lan Xichen finally says and pulls Jiang Cheng down to sit at his side, never letting go of his hand.
“What?”
“Remember how the villagers said it was ruining lives? I don’t think they meant in a physical way. We asked around some more and we finally found someone who was willing to talk. He said his dead wife appeared in front of him, telling him how none of their kids were his. I think what this thing does, is telling you what you are most afraid of to hear. It would explain the lack of bodies.”
“Oh,” Jiang Cheng breathes out, because it does make some sense. “I see.”
“So none of what that other me said was real. None of those words were mine,” Lan Xichen reiterates again and leans over to kiss Jiang Cheng again. “Because you are wonderful and I love you very much.”
“Stop saying that,” Jiang Cheng grumbles, even as he flushes at hearing it again.
“I don’t think I will,” Lan Xichen gives back and nuzzles Jiang Cheng’s cheek. “Not until you believe it.”
“I do,” Jiang Cheng gives back, even though the doubt sits deep, deep inside of him, and Lan Xichen shakes his head.
“You don’t. But that’s okay, because I will tell you often,” he resolves and Jiang Cheng doesn’t even want to complain.
“Alright,” he whispers and then looks down at their still intertwined fingers. “I love you, too, you know.”
“I do,” Lan Xichen says and presses a kiss to the back of Jiang Cheng’s hand. “But I like hearing it, too.”
Jiang Cheng nods at that, because he can admit that he might not have said it enough in the past, but just like Lan Xichen he will change that now.
“Promise me it wasn’t you,” Jiang Cheng still can’t help to say and Lan Xichen only smiles at him.
“It wasn’t me, I promise on my brother’s life,” Lan Xichen gives back without hesitation and Jiang Cheng believes him.
“We’re going to find this thing,” Jiang Cheng says, unwilling to let it roam around his territory much longer when it deals devastating blows like this but Lan Xichen doesn’t move.
“We will, but not today. Today you’re going to stay right here, where I can tell you how loved you are, and where I can cuddle you,” he decisively says and it startles a laugh out of Jiang Cheng.
“I think I might be okay with that,” he whispers, the words a balm to his very soul and he leans against Lan Xichen’s side. “I’m very okay with that.”
He feels how Lan Xichen presses a kiss to his head and then rests his cheek there, and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes, content and happy.
He already thought this lost; he will cherish it all the more now.