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“akutagawa,”
“jinko.”
those were the two words often exchanged by the diablo and his pet tiger. well, more or less. nothing else than small glances, hints of worry, the growing gentle in the way they hold each other. it didnt matter. it shouldnt matter. akutagawa kept rethinking of the time where he and atsushi had to go on a mission, and atsushi got badly hurt; as per usual. he hadnt even commanded rashoumon to go help out the weretiger, the black entity itself coming out and surrounding atsushi within its confinements. akutagawa, was beyond shocked, but it was nothing more than a simple ‘job’.
i’ll save him so i can kill him myself. those were the words repeatedly plunged into the back of akutagawa’s head whenever rashoumon acts on its own and disregards its master’s orders. saving atsushi was never apart of akutagawa’s job. they were simply told to fight an enemy side by side as they were stronger together. just like dazai and chuuya. except, its different. because dazai and chuuya were together. however, akutagawa and atsushi were not.
so why did akutagawa begin to overthink every small detail during his joint mission with atsushi? why did it enrage him when atsushi didnt take care of himself during a fight? when did his violent banter with the younger man become more soft, almost as if pleading. “stop being dumb, jinko! you couldve evaded that attack!” or, “if you die today, jinko, i’ll make sure to bring you back alive and kill you once more!”
atsushi nakajima was nothing more to him than a co-worker. atsushi nakajima was nothing more to him than the subordinate that dazai favours. atsushi nakajima was nothing more to him than the weak human being who cant even control his ability.
wrong.
atsushi nakajima was someone he cared for. atsushi nakajima was someone he would constantly think of. atsushi nakajima was the once weak human that he only viewed of as bounty. when did it stop being about his job? when did it stop being about dazai-san? when did it stop being about getting revenge? and when did it suddenly start being about caring for atsushi?
days turned into weeks turned into months, and akutagawa finally gets another job with the weretiger that has fully invaded his thoughts. “why do you look nervous, akutagawa?” he hears chuuya speak, the red head looking up at him with curiosity written all over his face. if akutagawa isnt careful, his secret might spill. “being nervous is not an emotion i am capable of possessing.” akutagawa responds, clearing his throat and brushing the ‘dust’ off of his black coat. “ah. dazai told me a lot about ‘tsushi the other day. what a kid, talks a lot of blabber. well, no wonder he can put up with dazai’s bullshit for so long.” chuuya chuckles, mindlessly unaware that akutagawa’s forehead has creased. “ ‘tsushi ?” the mafioso whispers to himself, quite lost.
“akutagawa-senpai, the weretiger from the agency is waiting for you outside.” akutagawa’s thoughts were quickly diminished as soon as he even thought of it, higuchi being the source of what broke it. the pale man coughs into his palm, “what?” he rasps out. akutagawa does end up meeting atsushi. (of course he took his time walking out as he didnt want to seem desperate in front of the lower ranks in the mafia). (he also didnt want atsushi to notice the change in his demeanor).
“akutagawa,”
“jinko.”
and there it is again. the same two words exchanged from both men. the wind blew as they stared at each other. akutagawa by the door with higuchi behind him, and atsushi near the steps, all alone. they might’ve just stared at each other for a few minutes, atsushi noticing himself how akutagawa didnt yell out his name. it actually sounded calming, gentle. one of the few times he’s caught akutagawa saying his name like that. he cant even begin to fathom how his stomach churns and his heartbeat speeds up at each time akutagawa says his name. well, ‘jinko’ isnt even his name. in fact, atsushi has never heard the mafia exec. say his name.
so when the two were given the chance to be alone, still walking around due to their mission, atsushi stops; akutagawa following. “what?” akutagawa is the first to break the silence, looking around in case the weretiger noticed something he didnt. that wasnt the case though, because akutagawa freezes in his place when atsushi suddenly wraps his arms around his thin waist. akutagawa’s fight or flight response is triggered and rashoumon accidentally cuts through atsushi.
“what the—!!” and the weretiger drops to the ground, his shoulder bleeding from where rashoumon impales him. “akutagawa??!” he yells out, staring up at the man who’s black cloak has transformed into his ability. akutagawa has never learnt how to apologise. the only time he has was with higuchi and it would have been the last, if his heart wasnt already warming up to the grey haired boy and his improperly cut bangs. “i’m sorry.” he drops to his knees, placing his hand softly on atsushi’s, pulling it away from the bleeding. “are you gonna stand there and watch me bleed or are you going to help me cure this?”
akutagawa ryuunosuke has never known love. akutagawa ryuunosuke has never known affection. akutagawa ryuunouske has never met someone who would love him as him. but atsushi was different. even as years pass, and as the Port Mafia & Agency are still considered enemies at some point, akutagawa has learnt to open his heart up and let atsushi in. and each night, as he lays right next to his lover, he thinks of everything that couldve gone wrong, belittles himself and doubts himself. yet, all atsushi has to do is wrap his arms around akutagawa’s waist, hold his hand and whisper those 3 words that akutagawa couldnt muster to say.
“akutagawa.”
“atsushi.”