Chapter Text
Kokoro always seemed so happy. Wherever she was it seemed like the sun itself shined with her. Her band was known for bringing smiles far and wide and she had found wonderful friends in her bandmates.
But it was not always like that.
For most of her childhood she had been alone. Her parents were never around. At least, that was what she could remember of her parents. With her playing by herself day after day, the Suits became more like her parents than her actual parents. Through her loneliness, her imagination grew and invisible friends felt as real as any real person. It still wasn't the same, but for someone who had been alone all her life, she did not know any better.
She had met other children, but they were put off with her loud vibrant personality. It was almost as if no one could handle how bright she shined. Looking at her was like looking into the sun; too many looked away and ignored her very existence. Those that got close enough would get overwhelmed and abandon her. No matter the circumstances, all roads lead to solitude.
Her parents had given instructions to the Suits to ensure Kokoro would be prepared to run the family business in the future. That included curtailing any behavior that would be deemed inappropriate within the professional community. For many of her childhood years, the Suits attempted to calm the young girl's bright enthusiasm. She was too loud, too energetic, too talkative. All were inappropriate behaviors for the serious professional life.
They tried anything they could on her to curb her energy, whether it be calming teas, foods, or even psychological medication. It did nothing to change her natural demeanor but the marks left on her psyche scarred her beyond anything anyone could have imagined. How could someone feel truly loved when the few people around her kept attempting to change her? The constant isolation and pressure had left her mentally stunted, which is why she still had such a childish outlook and drew with crayons even at the age of 16. She definitely was not at the same mental wavelength as her peers. Eventually the Suits also gave up on attempting to change her, but the damage had been done.
Underneath her smile Kokoro was in pain. She was used to being alone, but it made her heart ache so badly. Sometimes it hurt so badly it felt like the air was knocked out of her. Loneliness permeated every aspect of her life. No matter how hard she tried to put on a brave face, how many times she sobbed quietly to herself at night, her imaginary friends could not replace genuine human interaction.
She made it her life's goal to make everyone around her smile. At this point she was convinced she was meant to be alone. Maybe no one else could handle everything that made her who she is. She was tired of seeing everyone's disapproval across their faces. She was destined to take over the family business anyway, there was no time to be making childhood friends.
She looked up at the stars, thinking to herself. A shooting star crossed her view as she closed her eyes. "I want everyone to smile. I wish for everyone else to be happy, even if I can't be."
She turned away from the sky, she could almost feel a wall forming around her. These negative emotions were too much for her. They threatened to pull her under into the darkest parts of herself. She walked over to her bed and cuddled a plush against her chest. She buried her face into the plush, letting it absorb the tears that tried to escape down her cheeks. No, she would never feel this way again. She would hold these feelings back behind that emotional wall. Sure, she realized she may never be truly happy, but if she could smile and make the world around her smile, then it didn't matter to her. She no longer had a need for these negative emotions. No one did. People barely tolerated her existence, maybe she would be accepted if she brought joy to everyone else. After all, no one liked her, and deep down she didn't even like herself. But she would do her best to smile. Smile and help others in hope they will never feel this pain. The tears dried as she drifted off to sleep against the plush. Sometimes the hardest thing for her to do was smile.
Since then, parts of herself appeared to be missing. It wasn't all the time, but sometimes it was like something was blocking her memories. She'd get a headache and feel sick. The feeling was usually gone as quickly as it arrived, so she ignored it. Kokoro didn't see it as a problem. It was just another adaptation she had made to tolerate her every day life.
Kokoro was mentally younger than her actual age. Unfortunately this made it even harder for her to relate to her peers and further isolated herself from them. She still loved drawing with crayons and clearly had kept her childlike sense of wonder and imagination. In some aspects that can be seen as a positive, but it didn't help her in terms of making friends.
The formation of Hello Happy World was a turning point for her. For the first time in her life, Kokoro had an actual group of friends. She was no longer ignored. Through the band she was able to release her imagination, much to the annoyance of the brown haired negative bandmate. Kokoro was always forgetting her name, the very thought of her negativity sent her mind into a dizzy blurr.
The band was sitting in the schools courtyard during lunch. Kokoro had picked up a drawing pad as the rest of the bandmates discussed the future show the next week.
"We should have a lion at our next show!" Kokoro exclaimed excitedly as she drew the image on paper with crayons
Misaki sighed and folded her arms across her chest, "Kokoro, we cannot have a dangerous predatory cat loose at our concert."
Kokoro jumped up and walked over to her. "Why not? It could make everyone smile! Everyone loves a lion!" she smiled brightly.
Misaki frowned, "Oh yes, I'm sure they love lions and would love to get eaten by them."
Kokoro tried to ignore her disapproving frown; it reminded her of something, something from the past. Something she could not completely remember. Everything was blank. It gave her a sick feeling in her stomach. Her chest hurt as she felt herself being pulled down into the dark abyss of herself.
"Kokoro?" Misaki had leaned in closer to Kokoro, arching her brow.
Kokoro snapped out of it and shook her head, grinning, "Then stuffed lions! Oh, I know! Michelle can dress as a lion!"
Misaki nodded, "Well, that is more reaso-"
"And jump through a ring of fire!" Kokoro danced around, amazed at her own idea.
Misaki's eyes widened, "No, no, no. Michelle is not doing that. She could catch on fire!"
"Then it's settled! Michelle will be a lion and jump through a ring of fire!" She turned to her, "Michelle's friend...I can't remember your name. Could you please let her know?"
Misaki visibly grimaced, "How many times do I have to tell you, my name is Misaki." She sighed, "Fine, I'll let Michelle know."
Kokoro jumped around and started humming.
No, to Kokoro, all that mattered was everyone else's happiness.