Work Text:
Your father wasn't entirely neglectful.
He just hardly visited.
He explained it was important for your development to not interfere.
But how could you ever develop right without him there?
You only lived with him for a few years
And you savour those years
Even know you hate him
Everything you had become now
That was because of him
He influenced your every action
Because you thought that would make him proud
And he was
He said so when he visited
You felt so happy
But you hated him so much
Why did you care so much about how he felt?
The older you got
The less times he visited.
You feared your birthdays
For you feared that one day
That would be the only time you saw him
You thought he would watch your every move
He said he would
But you found out how much of a lie that was.
It was your 30th birthday.
After everything was said and done with your friends
He visited
He acted if nothing had changed
He acted if you didn't have scars on your body from that broken window
The wounds that just don't heal right
Sea water prevented that.
You prevented that.
You normally greeted him with a wide smile.
Formalitys were still there but you were granted a small pass for your birthday.
Instead of a smile, teeth showing.
It was a grimace, teeth showing.
He didn't understand.
How could he?
He wasn't paying attention.
That night you found out how much of a lair your father was.
How much he pretended to care.
He insisted that it was motivation
As you would surely strive to succeed more with the idea he would be looking after you from the side lines.
But you weren't listening
It was violent, entirely from you.
You were mad.
Who could blame you?
You felt as if he didn't love you
As if it was a show
As if you're nothing but a protégé
Just an investment for the future.
He left quickly
You didn't regret it
There was no way you could contact him
You didn't care.
You went to bed that night angry
You woke up angry
A few days later he tried to apologize
Say he was proud you overcame it yourself
But that he would have done something if he could.
You almost forgave him
But
You had mentioned your friends before when you argued
Saying that he didn't care how much it effected you when your friend died
That if he was a good father he cared.
He said that when you joined
You wouldn't have to worry about emotions or friends
There were powers designed for that
As emotions were detrimental to the job
They would get in the way
That they were too much of a hassle
And
And
And that it didn't matter either way
You would join so far into the future that they would be long gone.
Why did you care so much?
That bastard didn't give a shit about anyone but himself
You let him know that
You let him know how much you despised him
After all he did
That you didn't deserve what he did to you
You deserved a normal childhood
You deserved a father.
He explained that
He had to do that
It was part of development
It was vital
You didn't care
Who gives a shit
You just wanted to be loved!
You needed to be loved
Why couldn't you be loved?
You vowed to him that you would never do the same
You would be a good father
You would be there for your son
You would always be at home, waiting for him
He didn't care about your emotional outburst
You would understand one day
But
If that's how you felt
Then there was no need for him
It was painful
But you let him leave
That was the last time he contacted you.
Until you got the job.
You vowed that you would be a good father.
Always there for him.
You always kept your vows.
You have gone against yourself.
You are a liar.
You would hate yourself
If you know what would have happened to you.
You'll never make it up to Tommy
And he'll hate you forever
He acts like he doesn't
It's alright
You're just like your father.