Work Text:
The inevitability of understanding
Logically, you always were one day going to understand.
Or
You always understood
You just tried to deny it.
That's understandable
You would try to avoid it
It worked
Partly
Then the end came
And you could no longer avoid it.
It started off
Confusing.
It will end
Even more so
That is how it is designed
To be not understood
To be confusing
Reality purposely hides itself
In order to hide the truth
However, the truth can be revealed
It is not designed to do so.
But enlightenment is inevitable
What with the freedom that is allowed
They should have designed reality better.
It happened all at once.
It was painful
Then there was relief
An odd thing, given the situation
But knowing the truth.
Understanding lies.
There was strange relief in that.
Pain.
Anger.
Emptiness.
The more you thought
The more pain you felt
The more you were angry at those who caused you this pain
The more you felt nothing
Because feeling was pointless
Pointless because your reality was controlled.
Were you meant to be reacting like this?
Or was it a mistake?
To be made
To be design to be aware
To understand
That was cruel.
Not like they cared
You were a concept to them
And that realization
Killed
You
You love your son
You do
Dearly
But
You are designed to do so
You are thinking to hard about this.
But you are allowed to
You should be allowed to
You want to keep yourself from doing so
But you're falling apart
Your composure weakens
Your reality weakens
You're terrified
It is unfair
To suffer while others remain blissfully unaware.
Or do they know?
And they do not want to show it
To act blissfully unaware
Such peace that would bring.
He is still here
You do not know why
Gordon Freeman.
He should be gone
It is over
He won
So he will leave
You will all remain here
Living out illusions of your life
What you believe living is
But this is not living
Living is to be alive
You are not
You think you are
But you possibly cannot be.
Unfortunate mistake.
Inevitabable frustrations.
Teeth gritted.
Blood boiling.
Anger always comes when you realize the truth
When you stop blocking it out
Admittedly
You know it is not Gordon's fault
He is a vessel
But he is the closest thing you can hate
So you avoid him
Your son does not know why
You explain it is for the sake if your job
You hate lying
Your son
You hate the realization that he is not real
It's more painful than realizing you are not real
You use this as an excuse
And excuse for not contacting him
For not interacting with him
For not
Loving him
Because you are designed to
That is not true.
You feel both angry and guilty for you past
It is not real
It is written for the sake of people knowing your character
So they can understand
Sympathize.
They should not
Even know everything is written in code
Unchangeable.
No
You could
Change
If you tried hard enough
But you don't
You won't
Nothing matters any more
Once you realize the truth
It was over
Noncompliant
That's how'd you describe how you feel like reacting
Benrey was right
In his decision
You could see why he did what he did
Fury.
The game ending was hard on everyone
Sometimes you couldn't understand why you were so angry at the revelation that your life was a game
Was fake
But then
You understood
You wanted to be real.
Because you felt real.
You had a past
You have a son
You have feelings
How could you possible be fake?
You dropped to your knees
The coldness of Black Mesa's breakroom felt real
How could this be fake?
How
Could
This
Be
Real?
You saw everything
Just as if reality was waiting
The curtain parted
Everything disappeared
You saw the truth.
It wasn't physically painful
It
You expect pain
Seeing the game
Seeing code
Seeing the truth
Enlightenment should be painful
Right?
But you were in pain
You couldn't accept this
You wanted to love
You wanted to care
You wanted to see happiness
So you refused to see it
You refused to see it the way it was intended.
You saw it your own way
You accepted as powers from those higher up than you
Secrets that your employers keeped from you
You accepted as truth
In some ways
You would continue to feel
And strive to get better
You would go against your intended path
You would care
You would love
You would be there
You would rebel, carefully as all good things should be
Success would be with you
Because you know how to do these things
Carefully.
Unexpecting
In the background
As you have always done.
Composure regained
Everything returns.
Everything is normal.
Everything is fine.
You need to be normal.
The truth does not matter.
It is better to live delusional.
You should focus on other things.
You will ignore this.
For now.