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Ava opened her eyes to an empty, dark room; still feeling the ghost of Sara’s soft lips against her own. She took a deep breath and swallowed a sob as her hand reached for the empty space beside her, grasping cold sheets – she had been sleeping alone for a while now.
Getting up was always hardest part of the day. Finding within herself the strength to continue was getting more complicated every day. Even so, she had a job to do, a duty to fulfill, and, therefore, Ava pushed herself out of the sheets that could no longer keep her warm and sat down on the bed.
Her feet touched the cold floor, and Ava felt something against her skin. She looked down to find a familiar framed picture staring back at her, its glass cracked – she had fallen asleep clutching to that photo for dear life, and it appeared to have slipped from her hands and broken when it hit the ground. The ex-director leaned forward and reached out to retrieve it.
Sara’s smile was so beautiful in that photo, so full of light. The captain had been wearing a black sweatshirt, and its hood had been up; also, her blond hair fell over her right eye – even then, those ocean blue irises were still the most perfect thing the ex-director had ever seen.
Ava herself had been so unbelievably happy that day – she had been laughing when she took that selfie, with her head leaning against her girlfriend’s. That had been the day after Sara had agreed to partially move in with in with her, and it was such a dear memory, even if it ended up not really happening.
It felt like so long ago.
The ex-director traced the cracks on the glass with her free hand, fingers following a split that had opened between her picture-self and Sara’s. Perhaps it was the universe’s way of mocking her, of reminding her of the distance between herself and her love – the woman she had failed to protect.
The universe had a cruel sense of humor, after all.
Ava screwed her eyes shut, trying to contain the tears that had gathered there. She could still feel the dry tears on her cheeks, and she had seen the marks of the teardrops that stained the glass pane in various places. All she seemed to do why cry these days – cry and look for Sara.
She took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in her throat, and opened her eyes again. She looked down to find her fingers hovering over Sara’s face and, just like that, resolve bloomed inside Ava again.
The ex-director wiped the few tears that had managed to escape. “Baby, I know you’re out there. I know you won’t give up, so keep holding on. Hold on for me. I’ll find you.” She promised, even if the rational part of her knew that there was no way in hell that Sara would hear her.
She placed the framed photo back in its place on the nightstand and stared at it for one more brief moment before getting up. Then, she started to make her way to the door, stopping only to get her towel and some clothes for the day.
“Gideon, is anyone in the bathroom?” She asked when she crossed the doorway and headed to the familiar corridor.
“No, Captain Sharpe.” It stung. The title felt wrong without Sara by her side to share it, but it was a burden that Ava would have to carry, if only because the Waverider needed a captain. “The rest of the team is still asleep in their own quarters.”
Ava released a relieved sigh – she loved the Legends, she did, but she didn’t feel like dealing with them as they tried to take care of her and cheer her up, not now. “Thank you, Gideon.” Then, she made her way to the Waverider’s only bathroom
It was early – Ava could not sleep more than a few miserable hours without Sara, it seemed – and it would take the rest of the team some time to wake up. So, the ex-director took her time with the shower and, afterwards, the hair dryer. Already dressed, she found herself in front of the mirror.
Almost unconsciously, her hands started to move in a familiar pattern, fingers closing around her hair and guiding the strands to where she needed them to be. Her bun seemed strange on her after so long, too tight – a punishment much less painful than she deserved for her failure to protect the person she loved the most, but a form of self-punishment, nevertheless.
It was a reminder of what she had allowed herself to become – foolish, reckless, unreliable – and of what she needed to be again – sensible, hardworking, dependable.
Because clearly Ava Sharpe had been a mistake.
Because she had grown too soft, had let her guard down too many times, had become far too weak to be of use to anyone, let alone Sara. Perhaps, if she hadn’t been so careless, hadn’t been so drunk, Sara would still be there, with her – with the team, with their little unconventional family.
And, if she needed to be more like any other Advanced Variant Automation in order to save Sara, so be it. Whatever humanity she’d ever had was a small price to pay for getting Sara Lance back.
Finally, Ava left the bathroom and headed for the bridge. As she expected, there was no one there, and the silence was her sole companion during the hours she spent standing in front of the central console, looking for any and every information she could obtain about Sara’s whereabouts.
One by one, the Legends came to check on her as the day progressed. Nate attempted to chat with her about her podcast but, when she ignored him, he joined her research. Zari had come next, with a well-intentioned jab at her new hairstyle and a failed attempt to pull her out of her robotic mood, as the influencer had called it. Mick had come at some point, left a draft of his new book over the console and left without saying a word. Behrad had given her a drawing of her and Sara that made her tear up for a second before she composed herself, and he gave her a pat on the back before he went back to his own research at the library. Astra, surprisingly, brought her some food and didn’t try to talk to her before leaving. John was perhaps the biggest problem, and she got into yet another screaming match with him over her newfound bad coping mechanisms before he stormed off.
The day passed like any other, with no news on Sara.
At the end of it, with a sore body and a familiar headache, Ava looked up at the viewport to watch the darkness of space looming outside, feeling the known sting of tears in her eyes.
She wondered if Sara was staring at that same sky, wherever she was.
Then, after Gideon turned off the console in order to force her to go to bed, Ava went back to her empty, cold room. The ex-director got ready for bed in the same mechanic way she had since Sara disappeared, barely noticing her own movements.
She finally found herself sitting on her bed again, just like she had in the morning – still miserable, still alone.
Maybe this was just fate – and what an ironic word to use at this point. Maybe Ava simply hadn’t been built for happiness, and she had dragged Sara into this hole.
Maybe-
Ava’s eyes landed on the picture on her nightstand, and she stared at it, cracks and all. She stared at Sara’s beautiful smile, at her girlfriend’s most wonderful blue eyes, and, even if only for a quick second, she felt like her love was there with her, enveloping her in warmth.
She smiled a trembling smile. “Hang on, baby. Hold on and fight whomever has you until we get there, because I’ll never give up on you.” How could she, after all?
Sara was a part of her, had managed to stich herself into Ava’s heart and soul. The ex-director did not think she could live without her, and she didn’t want to.
A dear memory then crossed her mind, one she held close to her heart.
‘Because as far as I’m concerned, we are co-captains for life.’
‘Always.’
Her pinkie tingled, and tears slid down Ava’s cheeks. “Co-captains for life, always, right?” That’d been the promise Sara had made to her, the promise they’d made to each other, and Ava intended to keep it. “I’m here, Sara. I’m here and I’ll find you. I’ll bring you home.”
For a moment, Ava allowed herself to believe that Sara could hear her, allowed herself to believe that her girlfriend knew that she’d never give up on her. Perhaps it was a vain hope, but she clung to it, nonetheless.
Ava just hoped that time wouldn’t make a liar out of her.
- LOT -
Sara opened her eyes to a crowned, bright room; still feeling the ghost of Ava’s gentle lips against her own even while dripping water. Her sweet dreams faded into an unhuman creature that stood in front of her with a bucket in hand, and the ex-assassin blinked to get rid of the drowsiness.
It was getting harder and harder to simply shrug off the weakness that weighed on her bones. Her entire body felt like a giant bruise, and she hadn’t eaten or drunk any water in a while.
Maybe Sara was getting soft. She blamed it on the Legends – mostly on Ava.
The alien in front of her grew impatient, and it grabbed her arm and pulled her up harshly. “You’re up.” The creature stated, speaking in a weird, aggressive accent. As if Sara needed the warning.
She didn’t fight the alien as it shoved her towards where it wanted her to go, to the portal that led to the arena – no, she had to save her strength for what she knew was to come. Because she needed to survive one more day.
Just one more day. One more day, if that was all she could manage to do.
She accepted the strange technological sword that was shoved into her hands – it weighted almost nothing, and a continuous red laser replaced the sharp part of the blade. It could cut anything and everything, as Sara had recently learned. The ex-assassin held on to the weapon as she headed to the middle of the arena, feeling the weight of the blood that stained the steel.
The noise was almost unbearable, but she had grown used to it. It was familiar at this point. What she couldn’t get used to was the reason for the sound – the euphoria of those people, those things, in watching this sick gladiator game.
Sara faced her opponent, a being easily twice her size, with grey skin and uneven sharp teeth. She had seen worse during her stay in this intergalactic hell, and so she smirked at the monster, daring. It didn’t matter that the alien was far stronger than she was – Sara had enough skill to make up.
And when the familiar alarm went off, signaling the start of the fight, she let herself go, and things became a blur.
Because she had learned, on her very first day – after almost getting killed during her first fight – that holding back would get her nowhere. Her restraint slowed her down against beings who held no restraint of their own, weakened her before monsters that wanted to tear her apart.
No, Sara Lance wasn’t who she needed to be right now, so instead she allowed Ta-er al-Sahfer to take the reigns for the first time in years.
If only because one had to be a monster to survive in this place.
If only because the silk chains around the demon inside her pulled her back, weighted her down.
If only because the dark sins in her soul would keep her alive until Ava and the rest of the Legends could manage to find her. Because she knew they would – she knew they were looking for her.
The fight came to an end just as suddenly as it had started, with Sara’s sword buried deep into her opponent’s chest. The alien had managed to hit her in the head during their match, and an already familiar dizziness accompanied the ex-assassin back to her cage.
It was the same every day – sleep, fight, sometimes eat or drink but never both.
It was hard, but she held on. For the Legends – for Ava.
Sitting on the filthy ground of her now dark cell, Sara stared ahead, and she saw someone staring back at her, another human being – a tall blue-eyed blonde.
It was an hallucination, most probably, just a cruel trick of her mind. But Sara embraced it all the same, if only because it was the only part of Ava that she’d been allowed to keep since this whole thing had started.
Sara traced that sweet mirage of Ava with her eyes. It didn’t feel quite right, not accurate enough, and she had no one to blame but herself for it.
For not knowing which side Ava parted her hair, or on which shoulder that magnificent golden cascade usually fell, anymore.
For not knowing which wrist Ava wore her time courier on anymore.
For not knowing which of Ava’s fingers held which rings anymore.
For not knowing just how far she had to stretch on her tip toes to kiss her girlfriend anymore.
For not knowing the exact placement of the few scars Ava had – the ones Neron had given her or any of the others – anymore.
For allowing herself to forget Ava.
Many of her dearest memories were gone now: the feeling of Ava’s lips against her own, the taste of them; the exact tone of those greyish-blue eyes, in which Sara could just lose herself for hours; the brightness of Ava’s smile whenever she’d talk about her hobbies, mostly her podcast; the body that Sara had memorized like lines on a map.
But that map was blurry now, and Sara had no destination anymore.
The first thing to go had been her girlfriend’s kind voice, like Sara had known it would. She loved the sound more than any other, but she no longer knew exactly what it was like.
‘Because as far as I’m concerned, we are co-captains for life.’
‘Always.’
She could still remember the words – those were sewed into her brain –, but the voice that uttered them was far too much like her own for Sara to pretend that the sound of them was anything other than her own mind trying to make up for the gaps.
And she had known – she had known that her mind would fail her, but she’d never expected it to be this soon. Just how much time had passed since she’d been abducted? Sara no longer knew.
She just knew that she missed her home – she missed her team, missed her girlfriend.
She missed Gideon’s smug voice whenever the A.I. teased her about Ava. She missed Nate telling her historical facts in which she had no interest but that she always ended up finding entertaining. She missed getting annoyed at Zari for hogging the bathroom and arguing with the ex-influencer about Ava’s pantsuits that Zari wanted to get rid of and that Sara loved. She missed drinking with Mick, if only because he was the only one who understood the need to drink without pouring her heart out to someone. She missed Behrad’s drawings and playing videogames with him whenever she felt like. She missed stealing John’s cigarettes and watching him get all mushy with Zari. She even missed Astra and her reluctance to accept herself as part of the team.
She missed Ava and her obsession with serial killers, and her sweet enthusiasm with her podcast, and the way she snored whenever she drank too much, and how she could chase Sara’s nightmares away with just a smile, and how she’d cuddle with Sara and insist on being the big spoon because, according to Ava herself ‘I’m taller than you. It just makes sense.’
Sara missed her home, the home she’d built when it felt like she’d never have one again.
She looked up at the sky above. Her cell had no ceiling – it seemed to have fallen quite some time ago –, and so she had a beautiful view of the stars. The only saving grace she could find in there.
She wondered if Ava was staring at that same sky, wherever she was.
She asked herself if her girlfriend was missing her too, if she was looking for her. It took less than a heartbeat for Sara to realize the foolishness in that question, for she knew the answer deep inside of her heart, of her soul – tainted as both were.
There was no way in hell that Ava wasn’t looking for her.
Because Ava loved Sara just as much as Sara loved Ava. Of that, the ex-assassin had no doubt.
Sara found herself smiling at the thought, and the deed felt so unfamiliar that she realized that she had almost forgotten how to do it. It was the first smile she’d managed in who knew how long.
She trusted her family to find her, to bring her back home. Until that moment came, however, she needed to do her part: she had to stay alive. It would be of little use for them to find her if she was already dead by then.
No, Sara needed to survive, no matter how gruesome the act could turn out to be.
Whatever humanity she had managed to recover was no small price to pay, but Sara would gladly pay it anyway if it meant seeing the Legends again, if it meant having Ava in her arms again.
She just had to stay alive, to survive – no matter the cost.
Sara just hoped that there would still be something left for the Legends – for Ava – to love when they found her.