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How can misery feel so sweet?
Having Sex with Paxton felt… good.
Sadly she had read too many smutty fanfictions about Nick Jonas, Draco & Harry and Casey & Derek to feel satisfied with just good sex.
She always thought that it would feel exceptional. Magical. Amazing. Overwhelming.
Paxton was all she ever wanted even before her dad died and now she had him. Not as a trophy bed bunny or a one time thing. But as a reliable half of their relationship.
Maybe it was supposed to feel that way: normal.
They were together, with everything that came with it.
Romantic dinners, sappy movies with make out sessions, pecking one another before they were going their separate ways after lunch, texting one another right before they fell asleep, going to parties together, and being around their families.
Yes, her very strict, very harsh mother was allowing her to date Paxton properly and had invited him at least once a month to a family dinner.
Devi couldn’t believe her luck that Nalini Vishwakumar was getting soft on her and she really thought that this was a trap for mere weeks. That her mother wanted her to make one huge mistake so that she had a reason to throw her agreement down the drain and they would move to India immediately.
But after talking about these thoughts with Dr. Rayn, Fabiola, Elenore and Ben she had enough courage to ask her mother directly. And Nalinis answer was surprising Devi non the less:
“I have to trust you, Devi. But I still worry, constantly. And I still think that dating at such a young age isn’t appropriate, but I rather have you doing it with my permission, under my ever seeing eyes, than doing it sneakily behind my back with an outcome no one of us is ready for. And I hope that Paxton is terrified of me, so he wont steal your virtue.”
Oh yeah, Paxton was terrified of her mother – at least for weeks.
But after a few really successful family dinners with her mom, Kamala and Prashant, where they were laughing, talking and playing charade (Kamala and Preshant were so, so bad at it – yippy!) with each other, her boyfriend got more and more comfortable around her family.
And Devi liked dinner at Paxtons house just as much. His parents were so nice and down to earth, no strict rules, and most importantly: they were meat lovers. Okay, his dad was a bit picky, because he liked to have home made rice balls once in a while, but when his mother made dinner, it was meatloaf more than once.
Paxtons parents were cool, just like his son. And that she thought that Rebecca was one of the coolest nineteen year olds was no secret either.
So… when everything went so smoothly, everything was fine, everything fell in place after her lying outbursts, why wasn’t she happy.
She had a wonderful boyfriend, the best friends she could ever wish for, a mom who tried to understand her, an older cousin who sometimes wanted her advice, perfect grades everyone would die for to have and still something was missing… Someone.
She had tried to talk about her constant chasing for more with Dr. Ryan, but feared that she would sound like a brat who was too self absorbed to appreciate what she already had (because she actually knew she was this person more often than not).
And sometimes she was lying under her blanket, head buried deep in her pillow thinking about all the things she didn’t have and missed deeply.
Her father.
Because her dad would have told her to not make a rash decision and throw herself in Paxtons arms, just because he had called and sounded convincing and was everything every high school girl was dreaming about.
If her father would still have been here last fall, he would have told her with his deep, soothing voice, that she had to be openminded and absolutely sure about her feelings for Paxton, before she ruled Ben out as a possibility to date.
Ben was a nerd. A keener. Overachiever. An authority butt kisser. He dressed shittily. His taste in music was awful. He was a sexist for staying with Shira only for her looks for so long. His constant urge to be best at everything irritated her, because it was so like her.
His calmness drove her mad, and his rage made her giddy.
He was the worst!
But it still hurt, that he didn’t break up with Shira right after they kissed.
Wasn’t she such a hypocrite?
Of course it wasn’t fair to blame Ben for not breaking up with Shira, when she was choosing to be with Paxton the evening they got back from Malibu.
But Ben didn’t knew that till two days later on Monday morning.
So he actually had at least thirty six hours to break up with this airhead, but he didn’t.
He choose to wait… the question was what for?
For getting her act together and allowing herself to admit that Bens tiny, little, stupid, kiss (oh, why the hell was this head spinning kiss everything but tiny, little and stupid, for god’s sake) was quite nice.
That she still, even seven month later, after kissing Paxton thousand and more times, after sleeping with him for nine times (she had to stop counting, damn it), got chills down her spine when she thought about Bens caressing fingers, his soft smiling lips, right before he lowered them to her mouth. She really had thought it was the duration that made this kiss toe curling perfect, that he tested better than Paxton, because they had more time to explore each others mouths with nudging tongues, nibbling teeth, wet lips and lazy fingertips, which cradled the back of her head magnificently.
But after many, many make out sessions with her boyfriend which lasted longer than Titanic, she came to the conclusion that Ben knew something about kissing girls Paxton – of all people – didn’t know.
Ugh,… she hated herself for even thinking that the best kiss she ever had wasn’t with her steady, loving, caring, cool boyfriend. Every girl (maybe even stupid, famous Shira) in school envied her for being Paxtons girlfriend.
What the damn hell was wrong with her to constantly compare his kisses with this one time fallout with her worst enemy Benjamin Gross.
Her obsession was unhealthy and made her cringe every time Paxton asked, between kisses while they were making love, if something wasn’t right.
She wasn’t right.
She was a horrible girlfriend.
She was a spoiled brat who wasn’t even contented in a balanced relationship.
She was thinking about huge blue eyes, who looked at her so adoringly, so selflessly, so lovingly.
She didn’t want to go to India so she could strengthen her bond with her boyfriend so she didn’t have to feel awful all the time because her head was full of regret.
She wished for enough courage to confess… confess something she did not understand herself!
All she did understand was the nagging feeling of anger, whenever she saw Shira and Ben eating lunch together. They were broken up and anyhow got along better than ever before. Shira called him Toadie, sometimes. And was sprinting into his open arms right after she got the news, that she was accepted for a semester abroad in Spain next year.
“I wish I would have this perfection of a boyfriend, too”, Elenore yearned dreamily and all Devi could do was stuff more lunch in her mouth so she didn’t explode.
Stupid Shira.
Stupid Elenore.
Stupid, stupid Ben, for getting along with his ex girlfriend (can’t this boy take a hint? they were exes!) just fine and being crushed on by enchanting, very single, Elenore.
It was Ben.
Just Ben.
For years he was the boy who would challenge her on every academical opportunity he got, he was mean and still called her David instead of Devi sometimes. He had made her entire class call her and her friends unfuckable nerds, for goods sake. He was the bane of her existence and infuriated her every minute of her school life, her home life and her love life.
Till he didn’t.
He helped washing the dishes, when he was a guest at her house.
He was apologizing for the UN nickname more than once.
He apologized for trying to kiss her – twice.
He was really nice to his housekeeper.
He made her friends talk to her again.
He drove her to Malibu (just in time), so she could say good bye to her father and made up with her mom.
He stayed.
After he took her in, without any questions, without any conditions the picture she had of him changed drastically…
Where was she?
Oh yeah, stupid, mean, name calling, know-it-all Ben, who gave Shira one big, bright smile Devi wished he would send her way (stop it, you crazy endorphin laden brain!).
She knew that she asked a bit much after she kissed him, got together with another (her one and only dream) boy and didn’t gave him the proper appreciation he should have gotten from her.
Not even once did she say thanks, yet he deserved a sincere, heartfelt thank you, for what he did for her.
For what he made her feel.
“Hey, Devi? Earth to Devi! I was talking to you!”, Fabiolas voice pierced only slowly through her thoughts, right in time.
Because she wasn’t ready to admit to herself that she deep down, maybe, probably liked him.
“Hm, what?”, she asked, repressed every annoying train of thought so that she could concentrate on the topic Fabiola and Elenore were discussing right about now.
“Were you testing the waters if Ben would be willing to tutor Eve in polynomial long division?”
Uh, no she hadn’t. And she didn’t want to. Not because she didn’t like Eve, but because asking Ben for a favor, anew, made her stupid heart ache.
“Uhm… he’s thinking about it”, Devi lied against her better judgement.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Does he really think he is that special, just because he can explain things way better than us? Just because he has a knack for tutoring people still doesn’t mean he is superior to you, Elenor or me. If he didn’t want to he should have said so, and not give you this wishy-washy answer”, she was slightly pissed. Unlike Elenore and Devi, Fabiola still wasn’t totally convinced that Ben was quite a good guy and bore a grudge against him, even Devi wasn’t able to hold up anymore.
Even when he was held responsible that they were best friends again, Fabiola was still really mad that he called them the UN.
And Devi lying that he sounded like a dick by giving them a pending answer, wouldn’t be helpful in the slightest.
“I… I mean, he does think about when it’s best for his really full and demanding schedule. You know. He’s busy with…everything.”
After a moment Fabiolas brooding facial features were lighting up: “So he already said yes?”
Devi nodded and was shoveling food in her mouth again.
Right after school she was catching up with Ben and asked him, if he would consider tutoring Eve in math.
And of course he said yes, but was very irritated: “Why didn’t Eve ask me herself?”
Because good hearted, clever, lovable Eve didn’t know what Fabiola had planed.
They (Devi, Elenore and Fabiola) were trying to teach Eve algebra for the last two weeks, but sadly Eve didn’t understand anything.
And no, she wasn’t stupid or bad at school, she just didn’t understand any of these equations.
So Fabiola had this terrific idea to invite Ben, who was the master of lecturing, to one of their study sessions, so maybe he could teach Eve. Because bright and clever as Eve was, she could be as hot tempered as Devi and wouldn’t crawl to such a low level and beg arrogant Ben to tutor her.
Elenor thought asking Ben behind Eves back was a bad idea (it was, screamed Devis sane side of her brain).
But Fabiola begged Devi to do this for her, because she did understand how out of place your significant other could feel, when the three of them were just way over their heads smart.
And no, this was no self praise, or lowering the average teenage brain capacity but the honest to god truth that Fabiola and Devis (and to some extent Elenores) minds were faster, more trained and just smarter in general than Eves or Paxtons.
But what Devi and Fabiola couldn’t do, even if their lives would have depended on it, was teaching other humble human beings how to solve math problems.
So it had to be Ben.
And dear sweet, lovely Ben was even accepting to not tell Eve anything about Fabiolas wicked plan and promised to come to their study session Thursday afternoon.
She hugged him tight and wished he would reciprocate it at last, but just like one week before, when they were standing in his kitchen, after he reassured her, that as long as she trusted Paxton everything would be fine, he wouldn’t take his arms up to embrace her properly.
And she still didn’t thank him.
How cruel.