Chapter Text
Keith had wanted Shiro since before he even knew what wanting was. It started like this:
At first, he was a touch-starved orphan, hungry for love but to scared to reach out and grab it. Keith vaguely remembers what that was like, how the world seemed insidious and cruel; how no one ever had his back. Keith had just been accepted into the Galaxy Garrison and he was already out of place, swimming in the third-generation hand-me down jacket and pants that were the cheapest thing at the Garrison's overpriced uniform shop. He had managed to get a scholarship, but that only just covered the schooling fees, leaving him to work the rest of the summer to have enough money for the rest of the year. He hadn't yet known how to tame his hair and was still skittish with shadows, loud noises and people coming up behind him. Insecurity, he remembered, followed him like a loyal shadow, clipping his heals and sometimes tripping him up. It became larger under the bright light that was Third Year Takashi Shirogane, the golden boy.
Everyone seemed to love him, which naturally meant Keith hated him because he was messed up like that. He never fit in, was always on the run.
Life went on and Keith struggled through classes. The only thing that he seemed to be good at was (barely) not fucking up his general subjects and slightly achieving in terms of the flight simulators. Keith's only interaction with Shiro was when he stole the guys hoverbike and got offered a scholarship here as reward a few months before. Having no life plan and no prospects (he was set to age out of the foster system in a few years), Keith took the offer. It was more of a passive acceptance, if anything. By this point in his life, he was still deciding if the Garrison was worth it or not.
Keith remembered, the days had been some of the darkest he had experienced before Kerberos. He hadn't been used to people giving a shit about him and the pressure was heavy and all-consuming. If his GPA fell below a 3.0 he was booted out and had no where to go, likely to just die miserably on the streets somewhere. So when he failed his first class (chemistry), they set him up with a tutor. Back then, he wasn't sure why they did it; he thought they didn't care. Now, he's grateful, for he would never have gotten to be Shiro's friend otherwise and probably would have dropped out a lot sooner.
The first time they meet for real (because the hoverbike incident doesn't count), Keith had been running late for their study session. He ended up barging into the room, straight into Shiro who had apparently been getting up to go find him. Anxiety had been a dull roar under his skin and Keith had felt the angry grind his teeth setting of a sharp ache in his jaw. So much for first impressions. Shiro smiled, looking down on him in a way that made Keith feel patronised (because back then, people either patronised or hated him - there was no in-between), and they sat down, getting started.
They had gone through the subject matter and by the end of it, Keith had a working understanding, enough that he could take his final again and pass. Shiro told him that, while they would like it if he were to maintain the 3.0, the Garrison understood that it was his first year and that there was a learning curve that needed to be accounted for. Keith hadn't understood that at all; he had never been given any allowances in his life before and felt that, instead of understanding, it was charity and pity. But he bit his tongue, clenched his fists and showed up to their bi-weekly study sessions. If he rocked the boat now, there would be no hope for his future.
Through these sessions, Keith and Shiro became closer. Shiro‘s kindness, while disorientating at first (Keith remembers wildly blushing at compliments and then going to the gym to get the antsy feeling out from under his skin), soon became common place and they were fast friends. So, it only seemed like naturally progression that, once Keith managed to maintain the necessary GPA, they continued to hang out without the excuse of the cancelled study sessions. Soon, instead of bonding over a shared hatred for derivatives, they went out to the arcade together. Usually they were accompanied with Matt or Adam, Shiro's best friend and his fiancé, but Keith never really paid attention to them; you can't see stars in the day sky because they are outshined by the Sun. The infatuation began on one of these days at the arcade.
Keith remembers, he and Shiro had been playing one of the dancing challenges while they waiting for Matt and Adam to finish on an old-school shooting game and Keith, in pubescent awkwardness, had made a spectacular display of tripping on his shoelaces. He had been unused to the added inches and had fallen towards Shiro, head first and flaying. But Shiro caught him, as if that was the natural inclination. He landed on the guy's chest, Shiro's arms wrapping around his shoulders. Keith's first feeling was shame and wanting to disappear. His second, a flutter in his stomach and his heart thundering as Shiro pushed him back onto his feet and ruffled his hair. No one had ever caught him when he fell before.
Keith remembers a lot of shame regarding his feelings for Shiro. A lot of awkwardness as well, which was typical. He never acted on his infatuation, but as his feelings calmed down and their friendship grew closer, Keith slowly began to fall in love. He used to go out on survival camping training sessions (which were Shiro's excuse to get all his friends out of dorm for a weekend) and sit their staring at Shiro's face as it glowed in the campfire light. He would feel the erupting emotions in his chest and would be confused. Adam would lean over and kiss Shiro, and Keith would watch on and want to cry out in frustration; at the jealously the burned his chest and the shame the churned his abdomen. He wanted to shout ‘I can be good for you, give me a chance!’, which was blatantly untrue and selfish, because who could be better for Shiro, than Adam? His shame continued after the Kerberos mission was announced, and the subsequent breakup between the Garrison's power couple. Keith distinctly remembers he told Keith first and had shed a few tears. While Keith was comforting his best friend's heartbreak, he was repressing his own heart's joy.
Shiro invited Keith to the send off, notably Adam was absent, and as Keith waved goodbye (and for the weeks that followed) he daydreamed about confessing to Shiro when he returned, of maybe taking Shiro out to their favourite restaurant and spilling his guts, or of planning a hoverbike trip - just to two of them - and kissing him under the stars. He wanted to scream out to the universe about the wonder of Takashi Shirogane!
None of these things ever happened, because a month after the mission launched, the news came. Shiro was dead, so was Matt and the rest of the crew.
He found out during class. There had been an announcement over the PA, an emergency assembly. Keith had remembered being concerned because emergency assemblies either meant really good news, or really bad.
They had shuffled in and Keith had met Adam's bloodshot eyes. A chill shot through him and he a paralysed right where he stood. People must of pushed around him because he stood there, staring at Adam for what dragged on for ever. Keith had watched as Adam walked over to him, the pathways cleared (everyone had seated already). He grasped Keith by his shoulder and led him out of the assembly hall. They walked for a few minutes, Keith desperately hoping that Adam would speak, but too scared to ask what happened because, if what Keith was thinking was true...
Eventually, Adam sat Keith down on a bench. He gently said,
"Keith you need to breath normally."
Until then, Keith hadn't realised he was hyperventilating. He shut his mouth and waited; Keith was not going to ask for his own doom so all he could do was wait for it to be bestowed upon him.
A few moments passed.
"He's dead Keith," Adam said, clenching Keith's shoulder and avoiding his eyes, "They are saying it was a pilot error, saying that it was his illness that caused it."
Keith turned his head from where he had been staring at Adam, to gaze sullenly across the hallway. There was a motivational poster, an ironic 'the sky's the limit'. Keith licked his lips.
"What."
"He's dead Keith, Shiro died on the mission."
Keith looked down at his hands, they were clenched in his lap, gripping his pant's fabric. He had ironed them the weekend before; how come he couldn't feel his hands? He had only been vaguely aware that Adam was next to him, so when he squeezed Keith against his side, Keith had flinched back and then fallen forward, collapsing on his knees and then onto his side, curled up on the cold concrete ground.
Everything Keith believed to have been true was false, everything that was wasn't, he was falling, he would never land.
Then, after what was probably a few minutes (Keith wouldn't know, he lost all recollection of time), he sat up, his chest burning, his breathes stuttering as he finally allowed himself to cry. The tears were slow at first, awareness was no where near him, but eventually quiet hick ups turned into sobs. The type that left your stomach cramping, as if you had just worked out. Throat swollen, eyes tired and almost glued shut with tears. It seemed as if there was an never ending store of tears and Keith distantly wondered, what would the right thing to do in this moment would be? Where was the relief that was typical of crying? Where was Adam? Where was Shiro?
He tried to look around and barely convinced his body to move its head; he glanced and from the corner of his eye, recognised the figure of Adam hunched over himself, hands grasping at hair, despair clear. They stayed like that for a while, until one of them decided that they had enough and stopped crying. It must have been Adam because then he was there, next to Keith and trying to coax him to stand up. There was a lady behind them, an anguished and sympathetic look on her face. Keith met Adam's eyes, Adam evaded this.
"Keith, won't you stop crying?"
Keith hadn't realised he still was crying, but Adam's words brought him back to himself, slightly, and he became aware that his body was exhausted, yet still persisted in wracking up painful sobs, the energy seemingly coming from somewhere other than his body. Maybe from the ground. Maybe the Garrison building was sad as well. The whole world seemed sad now.
"Keith, come on, get up." He suddenly resented Adam; who was he to tell Keith what to do when the most important person in Keith's life had vanished. The world was once again the cold and unjust place it was prior to his acquaintance with Shiro. Adam had a family to go back to; Keith had no one but the memories of the past.
After a few more minutes though, the shame of his thoughts permeated his mind and he managed to control his body once again. Awareness came back; he could feel his hands and the cold ground pressed against the side of his crossed legs. A startling realisation came over him. The Galaxy Garrison, Keith's 'bright future' was actually just a place where children were trained and then sentenced to death in the name of science. A cloud of resentment enveloped him and any sadness that he may have felt was overwhelmed by his hatred for The Garrison; for this present Shiro-less world.
Keith stood up. He stood still and glared at Adam's face (at his averted eyes), then at the lady behind him. These faces, which would have been friendly this morning, seemed to morph into ugliness and Keith resented their existence, for who had the right to live when Shiro had died. Why did he himself have the right to live when the most precious person died alone, in space with no hopes of being recovered?
The lady behind Adam stepped forward. Adam let her. Keith's glare narrowed. She held out her hand. Keith did not take it. She lowered her hand.
"Hello Keith, my name is Amy. I'm the Garrison's counsellor."
Keith continued to glare; not at her face but at the place her hand had once reached towards him. His fist clenched even tighter. When had they closed in the first place?
"Adam thought it might be a good idea that I be with you when the news broke, said that were best friends." Keith glared up at Adam again. Adam didn't meet his eyes again. Keith kept his gaze on Adam; he hoped to make him as uncomfortable as possible. This did not fulfill the vindictive storm inside his mind; it only made him angrier.
"Keith, please," Keith snapped his head back at her. He was startlingly incapable of any proclamations, although he had much to say. "Will you come with me to my office? Adam can come or he can go, whatever you want."
'I want Shiro back,' was his first thought. His second, 'If I don't leave this place right now, I'm going to punch someone in the face,' so he walked past them and left. After wandering the corridors for a while, maybe half an hour, Keith had stumbled upon the library. Nobody was inside, possibly the assembly was still happening. He sat down at the first possible bench, but then stood up again because he couldn't sit still when the world was ending. He had to do something, anything to cease this occurrence, a car crash in slow motion, but it had already happened.
The librarian must of watched him warily, because he felt like a lion ready to attack, except the one thing he wanted to attack was death, which he knew was impossible ever since his dad died and left him for unhappy foster homes. God, why did this always happen to him? What did he do to anger the universe so? All he ever wanted was a family, a place to belong, security and stability, but instead his hopes were waved gleefully in front of him, only to be dismembered ruthlessly and sadistically before he could even reach out to them. The world seemed darker with each passing second.
Looking back, Keith doesn't really remember what happens next. His next memory of that time was sitting in class. He could tell it had been some time since the library, as both his hands were bandaged and ached every time he flexed them. It seemed to be English class, which had devolved into a makeshift therapy session. Keith knew one thing about his missing time and that was, he did not get his shit together to go to a class where everyone bitched and moaned. Keith sat their, not really hearing what anyone was saying (simply because he refused to) and flexing his hands again and again. Eventually, some girl started crying, which triggered the rest of the class's waterworks and Keith left. Nobody stopped him, although the teacher did call out his name (he thinks anyway, he can't really be certain of anything when his mind is in this state). He doesn't cry again, because he doesn't have the energy to; it feels like he hasn't slept in days and the eyelids keep drooping shut. He makes his way back to the library, finds the seat he had initially tried resting in, and sat there. He noticed dents in the wall's plaster next to him. He laid his head of the table, the coolness of the wood soothing a headache he hadn't realised he suffered from.
He woke up to someone gently shaking him. He growled and sat up, disorientated. For a moment, everything was once again right until the memory of the last day flushed his body and his chest became heavy once more. He looked for who had woken him. It was Amy.
"Why don't you come to my office, sweetie." she whispered.
Keith got up because, even though he had just slept, he did not have the energy to fight her right now. He trailed after her for a few minutes, occasionally passing cadets that Keith didn't wave to, and officers he didn't acknowledge. He began to drift again, wondering, 'Am I doing the right thing? Is this how you mourn? Why aren't I crying?'. Occasionally he would have the awareness to notice Amy glancing back. Keith always thought counsellors were supposed to be impartial, but she wore her expressions plainly; her brow was furrowed and her lips pointed downwards, ever so slightly. Eventually they must of reached her office because the next thing Keith knows is that he is sitting on a couch. The air conditioner is freezing but for some reason he is sweating and clammy. He feels ill, like he might throw up, or like he might pass out. Everything is suddenly dizzy.
"Keith, the librarian said she came back from her lunch break to find you passed out on a desk." Keith glances up at her. Her eyes are wide and don't shy away from his. Finally, someone is looking at him.
"I'm sorry, I don't really remember- or I remember, I - I don't really, well, I don't really know how, why I chose to go there but- I," Keith trailed off, feeling very dizzy again. Something was catching inside his brain, like there is a scratch on the CD and it skips over his thought and then, when he tries to rewind and hear it, it skips over again. Keith would be frustrated but nothing really seems real anymore.
"That's okay Keith, I think she was just nervous that we would have a repeat incident."
"What?"
"From when you punched the wall earlier today."
Oh. Keith looks down at his hands. Their bandaged. He supposed he already knew that but now he acknowledges it.
"I don't remember that." he whispers, mostly to himself. Amy must have heard because she made a quick note of it on the legal pad she held across her legs. She was sitting opposite to him, her body expression open, her full attention on him. He didn't like this because all he wanted to do was curl up and die.
"How about we start with how you found out, Adam told you right?"
Keith looked back down at his hands and played with a hangnail. He didn't think he would cry again so he started talking. He told her how he knew, the moment he had seen Adam's face in the assembly hall, the Shiro was gone. That it seemed as if he had been disconnected from his body. How it seemed the world had ended. He started crying again, deep racking sobs. Amy handed him a tissue, he pulled himself together and they continued.
"They're saying its a pilot error, Keith, how does this make you feel?"
Pilot error? Keith thought back, trying to remember someone telling him that. A vague dredge of a memory; Adam had mentioned it. It must of slipped Keith's mind, which was disorientating because why would he forget a detail like that. Why would- how could he have forgotten that? Incredulity and relief defrosted across his chest. Shiro was the Garrison's prized pilot, renowned for never crashing, never making a mistake. This must be someone's idea of a sick joke because there was no way Shiro - perfect as he was - could have ever made such a grievous mistake. If he was the pilot, which Keith knew he was, Shiro would be arriving home on schedule.
"Pilot error?" he echoed, "But, why would they say that?"
Amy looked concerned at this and wrote something down on her pad again.
"Keith, it was a pilot error, that's what Adam told you, yes?"
Keith nodded.
"They're saying its because of his degenerative neurological disease, that he must of lost control of the ship and crashed on Kerberos." this now
Keith had thought that the anger that previously clung to him had diminished; that he was too worn down by the weight of this now lonely world to have energy for anything other than barely existing. He was wrong. He feet sprung him upwards, off the chair, and he yelled, "That's a lie!" before leaving the office and slamming the door behind him. He heard the hinges rattle as he began running down the corridors, going towards the head offices. He struggled with the disillusion of it, how unreal that proclaimation made him feel; like he was dreaming, or like he had died and was in Hell, living through his worst nightmares. Abadnoned, the very institution that he had once had a tentative faith in, oppressing him with the brutish lies that they are shoving down his throat. How dare they! Keith would no longer passively accept this; Shiro's death must be fake, their excuse: a lie. He stormed around the corner, adrenaline was a living thing in his viens, and he threw open the Commander Iverson's office door. It slammed into the wall, probably leaving a dent. Good, this place would have proof of his existance, of his pain. He glared over at Commander Iverson, whose shocked face was slowly morphing into one of anger. A unknown person sat in the chair, a young girl with honeyed hair.
"You're a liar, Iverson!" This was no time for formalities; this monster would not be receiving faux respect in the form of a salute or shallow platitudes. "How could you say that it was a pilot error? Shiro?! You make me sick, you evil bastard! Shiro is the best pilot you have and you abandon him up there, to rot! And tell the world lies, tarnishing his reputation!" Keith is screaming, the louder he becomes, the redder Iverson's face. The man stands up, the once commanding presence he had over Keith was diminished in his Keith's rage and disillusionment. What a false god Iverson was (!) lying to the rest of us, faking at authority.
He shouted pout a Keith to sit down, which only fueled Keith's rage. He threw his body forward and onto the desk. He was on his knees and he grappled at Iverson's neck.
"Calm down Kogane, this is no way to treat your superior officer!" Iverson tried to command Keith. No surprise, it didn't fucking work. "Keith, if you do not cease this behaviour, you will be EXPELLED!"
Keith exploded in a way he had never before. Usually he was capable of repressing the brunt of his wild emotions, but today, for the first time, Keith lost all control.
"As if I care about your stupid academy, where every one is so fake, like slippery snakes! You sent your best officer up to the sky and abandoned him there! He is alive! What did he do to make you leave him like that? Was he blackmailing you, or did you just hate him!"
Iverson didn't reply, because Keith had managed to wedge his finger's into Iverson's eye and the man was screaming for help. Eventually, many arms attempted to restrain him. Keith couldn't be sure if they sedated him or if he knocked himself out, but next thing he knows is coming to awareness on a hospital bed in the infirmary. Amy is sitting next to him, typing away on a computer. One of the commanders Keith doesn't know is to his right, Adam next to him. Keith glared up at Adam, the bastard with his fake mourning and placid belief of Shiro's death. Once they noticed that he had awakened, Amy placed a gentle hand on his shoulder as the Commander informed him that he was no longer welcome, his scholarship revoked and his room to be cleared out in 24 hours. Keith found he didn't care; if they hadn't kicked him out, he would have been gone by morning anyways. Amy gave her phone number and Adam tried to consul him, but eventually Keith managed to drift from the grasp and down to the student dorms. He walked in on his roommate studying, ignored his inquiring questions and packed away his belongings. His red jacket, a meagre collection of clothes, his toiletries, the gloves Shiro had gifted him for his sixteenth, and his one picture of them together were placed into a bag. He then went to the kitchen, stole some water and food and was out of the Garrison before an hour had passed.
Keith didn't really know where to go. He drifted towards the nearest town, (the one with the arcade and Shiro's favorite restaurant 'Sammy's') and found that the idea of inhabiting a once happy place was too overwhelming. Only a few days ago, Keith had been fantasying of admitting his feelings for Shiro at that very place, now the world was not the same. So when the town came into sight, Keith turned east. He vaguely recollected a hovel of a place that Shiro had mentioned; a place that would not be exceedingly tarnished with many happy memories, as Keith had only been there once or twice. They had regarded it as a cubby house of sorts and Keith had stored some memorabilia that had been crowding up his dorm room. Like his father's firefighting uniform and his scholarship letter for the Garrison.
He walked for hours, the heat of the desert beating down on him. It was midday, a very dangerous time indeed, but Keith struggled to find the energy to care. He drank the last of his water about a half an hour away from the house, and by the time he reached the depleted porch, he collapsed as the pain of the blisters littering his feet was too great when coupled with his severe dehydration. He laid there, passed out, and then woke again to a starry sky and freezingly harsh winds.
He was once again abandoned by society, it seemed. The burden of this fact was almost too heavy, but somehow Keith managed to find the strength to get inside. The taps were working, as Shiro had been patching this place up in his free time, so Keith gulped some water down, only to vomit it out. He slowed his pace the second time he attempted to hydrate himself and had a bit more success. He then found a bed and got blanket from the closest. He curled up and passed out again. At least twelve hours must have passed because when he woke, he stepped outside, wondering where he was because he had little recollection of the previous day, and the Sun beat down from above his head. he silently watched as the heat rose from the ground in dizzying waves. He went back inside and decided to explore. He knew that Shiro had kept some non-perishable food somewhere. Once he found it, he realised that there was enough to last about a year. That was good; Keith didn't think he could stand to be around people right now. A year of isolation would be ideal.
Keith then passed the days, scarcely eating from the cans, rarely drinking from the tap and not showering. The days were a blur of anxiety and a deep rooted sadness that would never leave him, even in his sleep. He dreamt of Shiro, or some semblance of comforting embrace, most nights (and days). These monotonous rhythms would occasionally be broken with a sudden wave of desperation and anger, where Keith would have to leave the hut and walk for hours to get rid of, only to be greeted (when he came back) to silence and the evidence of his passive living; half empty cans of beans, a pile of blankets the smelled vaguely like his BO, the bag of clothing he had been living out of since his sudden departure from the Garrison. For the longest time, Keith had not actively tried at anything, and the evidence of this only fueled the anxious desperation that had just settled from his full day walk.
So even though he was exhausted, his hands were shaking and a dehydration headache had begun, he swept through the whole shack and tidied up as much as he could stand before passing out once again. When he woke, he would drink water to soothe his throat, eat a meagre proportion of the food and sleep once more. This cycled continued for God knows how long. Eventually, his hair became matted, awareness of his fuzzy teeth faded, and he grew familiar with the rank smell of mourning. Keith, in some moments, lapsed in his faith for Shiro. He would think, there was no way that after so long, Shiro was still alive. In those moments, Keith thought (rather romantically) that his body would decay, in place of Shiro's, which couldn't as it was frozen in the tunnel of space.
Those thoughts eventually lead to fantasies of him sacrificing himself for Shiro, or of him dying alongside Shiro on Kerberos. These thoughts infected his dreams and eventually, every time he drifted to sleep, some vestige of these fantasies morphed into night terrors. He would wake screaming and no one would be there to help him through the ensuing panic attack and tears. The worst nights, were when he dreamed of being in Shiro's arms again and woke up happy in a painful, bittersweet way. He would pray to the stars to not wake up again, not to experience the pure frustrated longing of those dreams, but he always did. He grew afraid to sleep, or rather, he feared waking up after a joyful dream, and he began to not sleep for days. His body would eventually pass out somewhere, but no dreams evaded his unconsciousness during these times. On time, he passed out during one of his walks and woke up to the eyes of a predator a mile off, stalking his carcass. He had sat up and stared right back at it, not feeling any precaution. He thought that if this animal killed him, at least Keith would nourish its family. A few moments passed before a howling noise drew its attention and it paced away, leaving Keith alone in the middle of the desert with the vague acknowledgment that maybe he needed help.
Help would never come though, because it was frozen in space. Besides, this routine was worlds better than being faced with reliving Shiro's death, or his own death, or a happy life, on repeat. He would find any excuse to evade sleep, which eventually transformed into him going into town, ignoring stranger's concerned or scared looks and buying up parts of a hoverbike with his meagre savings from his summer jobs. The same savings that were supposed to fuel his space exploration career, were now used to fuel his escape of reminders from a past life.
He would drag the purchases back to his hut, a three hour walk. Piece by piece, he built a hoverbike. One day, he finished it. It stood their, slightly rusting and very hot in the desert sun; it scorched his skin. It was red, which was once his favorite color when he cared about things like that. He waited until sundown to test it out, which only barely decreased the heat the was absorbed by the metal. He had the vague thought of how dangerous it was - as he mounted - to ride a bike like this, in the middle of nowhere. If he crashed, no one would help him because no one would know. If he died, his body would be eaten and he would decompose into obscurity, never to be found or thought of. It was a startlingly depressing yet freeing thought, and Keith clung to it as he turned to bike on and took off. He had purchased enough fuel to last him a year of riding, but it cost him the last of his savings. Once his food ran out, and the fuel in his bike ran out, Keith decided, that would be the end of him. The moment he could no longer passively exist was the moment he would not exist at all. Keith drove for hours, gliding through sand dunes and exploring the edges of mountains. Eventually, he found a series of tunnels, and spent an hour exploring and noticed engravings of lions of the wall. Then, once the Sun started to set, he ventured home and slept.
Keith woke to an energy.