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It was a nervous habit of his, really, tapping his fingers over and over again. He had done it since he was a child, picking up the habit from his ever-anxious father. Even now he had full confidence that Reiner was handling the situation inside Shinganshina, but Bertholdt still found himself nervously tapping his fingers along the inside of the barrel.
Warchief Zeke was here, and Pieck too. They had backup, it wasn’t just him and Reiner against everyone else. And Zeke… he was mowing down those poor Survey Corps soldiers like it was nobody’s business. He couldn’t see much through the small holes in the barrel, but he could hear more than enough.
An ear-piercing scream from the armored titan sounded from inside the walls. Bertholdt adjusted himself inside the barrel slightly, hearing Zeke reach down and pick the barrel up.
He didn’t like being tossed like that, though. It made his stomach turn. Not because he was afraid. Just motion sickness, he supposed. Odd that he’d be feeling that now after years of flying around with ODM gear. Bertholdt watched very carefully, waiting for just the right moment to hop out of the barrel and trigger his own transformation. He brought a shaky hand to his mouth, preparing to bite.
Where was Reiner at? Was he okay? Well… even if he’s hurt, in his titan he should be fine. The body of the titan may wind up severely damaged, as will Eren’s, but he can turn again immediately if need be. If he got hurt before he transformed, surely he’d have had some time to heal inside the titan. Once all of Eren’s backup was dead taking him would be a piece of cake.
Bertholdt opened the barrel, immediately biting down on his hand and triggering the explosive blast. He was glad, truthfully, that in the moments it took for his new body to form he was effectively blinded while his titan’s eyes formed. He killed them all because he had to… but he could do without watching their horrified faces as they were incinerated to death. He still cared for them. He wasn’t a sadist. He didn’t want any of this to happen, didn’t want any of his former comrades to die.
Fire, everywhere, he noticed as his vision returned. But no movement. He scanned the city, looking around carefully. Looks like he effectively wiped out the Survey Corps, or at least those that were inside Shinganshina. Zeke would be taking care of anyone outside the wall.
How sad. So many lives pointlessly snuffed out. If only Eren had come with them without protest when he and Reiner first tried to apprehend him.
Bertholdt found himself feeling melancholy while he scanned for any evidence his old friends were still alive. Nothing.
It wasn’t their fault they had to die, it wasn’t anybody’s fault. The world was just that cruel. Kill or be killed.
Sasha, Connie, Jean, Armin, Mikasa… what wasted lives, following someone like Eren to the end like this. Did they really not see any other way?
“Where’s Reiner…?” Bertholdt mumbled to himself inside the burning confines of his titan. There was Eren, his titan motionless on the ground. It took what felt like a long while, bending down to pick up the titan, pinning its arms and legs to the sides to keep it steady. Eren wasn’t thrashing. He must still be shell-shocked. After a moment, Bertholdt noticed the armored titan’s form prone on the ground, unmoving and charred.
Why was it evaporating like that?
He moved as quickly as he could to the armored titan, a sinking feeling starting to form in his belly. Bertholdt cursed the weight of his massive body, him unable to move quickly like he usually did.
Reiner wasn’t reforming into a new titan. And he couldn’t see any human movement near the armored. Something was bad wrong. Bertholdt bit the limbs off Eren’s titan before putting his titan back on the ground, ensuring Eren wouldn’t try to eat or hurt him in the moments it took to get him out. Bertholdt let his titan collapse, escaping out the nape of the neck and quickly flying to the nape of Eren’s titan.
Bertholdt cut the nape expertly, jerking Eren out with all four limbs severed. Eren definitely looked disoriented. No, he was unconscious. Bertholdt held Eren by his shirt in one arm, quickly using his ODM gear to fly where all the steam had been coming from.
The steam was still hot but dissipating when he arrived to the armored titan’s remnants. “Reiner!” Bertholdt called out, not receiving a response. Bertholdt chewed on his lower lip, damning the steam for obscuring his vision. “Reineeeeer!!” He called out again, finding the air in Shinganshina was eerily still.
Not concerned with being delicate, Bertholdt dragged Eren’s unconscious form and approached the titan. Where was Reiner? He wasn’t around anywhere?
Bertholdt felt something under his foot as he walked, looking down and seeing a pair of disembodied hands that had fallen to the ground as the titan disappeared. “What the hell?” Bertholdt mumbled, looking at them. Directly nearby were two legs, also on the ground. He frowned and squinted his eyes, looking closely at his find.
That fabric definitely looked like Reiner’s pants. Those were Reiner’s boots on the feet. Bertholdt started shivering. The ends of the legs looked like they had been severely burned and cauterized. Bertholdt’s hands shook violently as he dropped Eren carelessly, reaching down to pick up the hands on the ground, inspecting them carefully.
Those two freckles next to each other on the back of the left hand… these were definitely Reiner’s hands. And Reiner’s legs.
Was Reiner forced out of the titan’s nape? If his arms and legs were still inside his titan, but the rest of his body were out and vulnerable…
“Reiner…?” Bertholdt began shaking violently, finding himself close to vomiting in realization. His transformation into the colossal titan wound up torching Reiner’s body, blowing him away and leaving only what had been encased in the titan’s body. Now the titan was evaporating because its host was dead. “Reeeineeeeerr!” Bertholdt dry heaved a couple of times, clutching the hands to his chest. Surely he would have vomited had there been food in his belly to vomit.
He fell to his knees and sobbed, all alone in Shinganshina. All he had was Eren’s unconscious form by his side and Reiner’s remains. He gathered the hands and legs, bundling them together and hugging them to his chest.
When they tore down Wall Maria, he had cried a little but Reiner had more than him. When countless comrades fell during the battle for Trost, he hadn’t cried. He hadn’t cried after they had betrayed everyone atop Wall Rose. Hadn’t cried when they turned Ymir over to Marley, knowing the fate that awaited her. Hadn’t even come close to crying a few minutes ago when he killed all their old friends.
But now, knowing Reiner was dead by his own hand, all he could do was cry.
All that was left of Reiner were a couple of appendages. His cocky smile and confident laugh snuffed out in an instant.
How long he must have sat there and what all must have happened in the meantime were meaningless when, after some time, he heard a loud thud next to him. Bertholdt looked up, his eyes red and swollen, his face cold from the tears on his face against the wind.
The cart titan, Pieck, very quickly stopped. Zeke was covered in blood. What happened to him?
“You have the coordinate! Quick, get him up here,” Zeke ordered, looking like he was in a great deal of pain. Bertholdt didn’t respond, only putting down Reiner’s remains and grunting as he moved to hand Eren’s limbless torso to Zeke. Zeke tossed his unconscious form to the side, looking around in the meantime. “Where’s Reiner? We need to get out of here, now!”
Bertholdt looked in the direction that Zeke had come from. Who could have hurt him so much? Did Captain Levi do this?
“Reiner… I…” Bertholdt picked the limbs back up, Zeke staring down at him. “He got caught in the blast…” Tears started to well up again. Why was he like this now? He was a warrior, he had killed so so so many people, even before he had come to Paradis. And he had just killed several former friends of his, too. He wasn’t supposed to cry.
Reiner wasn’t just a friend and he damn well knew it. But that wasn’t going to change anything.
Zeke turned around quickly, Bertholdt following his gaze and seeing an ominous silhouette in the distance. He couldn’t make out the features but it had to be Levi.
“Bertholdt! Get up here, now!” Zeke ordered, Pieck leaning over and Zeke reaching out to grab Bertholdt. He handed Reiner’s remains up first, allowing himself to be hoisted up to retreat. Zeke seemed in a hurry to get away from Levi. It must have been bad.
Bertholdt swallowed the lump in his throat as he sat on Pieck’s back, staring at Reiner’s hand and the two freckles.
He hadn’t thought about her in a long time, but all Bertholdt could think about in that moment was Reiner’s mother.
“We’ve lost the armored titan. A devastating loss indeed. But we’ll have it back in a few years’ time.” Zeke said, Bertholdt and Pieck sitting around the small table on the boat. “Marley’s espionage units will monitor the situation and if the Eldian born with the armored is in another country, we will seize it immediately. There won’t be a need to do so if the child is born in Marley.”
A silent nod, Bertholdt staring at the table vacantly. Pieck was fast and it had only been a few hours since they had ended the battle. Eren was being held in a cell on the ship. Reiner’s remains had been carefully wrapped up and put away. They’d be given to his mother when they all got back to Marley.
Bertholdt couldn’t even sleep that night on the ship, instead staring in the direction of Paradis as the ship took him home. It wasn’t fair. Reiner really died without getting to go back, didn’t he? And it really was his fault, wasn’t it?
He went down to the cells, once. Eren stared at him, immediately barking in anger as soon as he saw Bertholdt.
“You bastards! You traitors!” He growled, but almost immediately after crumpled over and began sobbing. “You killed them all, didn’t you…?”
“Yes. I did.” Bertholdt said bluntly, sitting down on the chair by the cell. There were some cigarettes left by one of the crewmen on the table, and some matches as well. “It was over in an instant. They didn’t suffer.”
He hadn’t smoked before, but fuck it. All the soldiers he knew before had said it helped them to relax. He took one of the cigarettes, lighting it up and taking a drag. He couldn’t help but cough, then grimace after the fact. But still, Bertholdt kept it up.
“Reiner’s dead.” Bertholdt said after a moment, once Eren’s sobs had subsided. Eren looked at him through tear-filled eyes. “I don’t know if that’ll make you feel better.” Bertholdt laughed bitterly, breathing in the smoke and blowing it out again. Surely this would get easier after he did it a few times.
“Who killed him?” Eren asked after a moment. Bertholdt stared down at him pitifully. He didn’t look like knowing Reiner had been killed made him feel better. Bertholdt found himself surprised; Eren had been a bloodthirsty monster set on revenge whenever their identities were revealed. He was sure Eren would revel in the fact that Reiner was dead.
Deep down, he still cared about Eren, even if just a little bit. Why? If he and Reiner had just fed Eren to a mindless titan and transferred the coordinate to some random schmuck they could’ve avoided all of this.
“I did.” Eren looked like he didn’t quite believe what Bertholdt said. “I killed him, when I killed everyone else he died too.”
Eren shivered and put his hands in his hair, shaking his head violently. Bertholdt looked away as he extinguished the cigarette. “Eren… nobody asked for this. Your friends weren’t devils. You didn’t do anything wrong. Reiner didn’t either. The world is just a cruel and sadistic place.” Bertholdt stood, shoving his hands in his pockets and gazing out the window, seeing blue stretch out for miles. “Some people think the world is a beautiful place… but I don’t.”
With that, Bertholdt turned away, leaving Eren alone. Zeke had mentioned going down to see Eren after a little while. Before he made his leave, Bertholdt swiped the matches and cigarettes off the table, taking them for himself. He needed to relax before he got back to Marley.
There was fanfare when they returned; the mission had been declared a success, the founding titan retrieved. When they initially returned, all involved parties were quickly spirited away to HQ before they were to meet with the public.
The details of their time on Paradis were to be kept absolutely confidential. At Zeke’s insistence, Eren was to be left alive to learn more about Paradis, the coordinate, and his relation to the royal family. Bertholdt’s ODM gear and blades were turned over to be examined and researched by Marley’s military engineers.
“I’ll take them.” Bertholdt said once they were getting ready to meet the families of the warriors before the parade celebrating their success. He was given Reiner’s remains, the limbs wrapped in a red shawl matching their armbands and placed in a decorative wooden box bearing the star on their bands. They were to be returned to Ms. Braun so that she could decide how her son’s remains would be handled.
She might have what was left of Reiner interred in a Marleyan cemetery, since they were honorary Marleyans. Or cremated. Whatever she felt was appropriate.
Bertholdt had smiled genuinely when he saw his father, sick and having trouble outside of his bed but still managing to make it back. But that quickly faded at the sight of Reiner’s mother, whose face fell when she saw only him.
“Bertholdt…” She started, approaching him with a confused expression on her weary face. “Where’s my Reiner?”
Damn it. He said he’d do it. But looking at those concerned amber eyes, Reiner’s eyes, killed him.
Wordlessly, Bertholdt handed her the box he had been carrying, her taking it without comment. She looked at Bertholdt in confusion, looking back down and peeling back a layer of the red fabric, being met with the sight of a hand.
Once she saw the hand, she immediately covered it back up and fell to her knees; the box dropped onto the ground next to her. Her form started quivering, the other families looking on silently. Serious concern crossed Mr. Leonhart’s heavy features.
“Reiner did his best?” Reiner’s mother asked, her voice breaking as she spoke. “He dedicated his all to Marley?” Her eyes met Bertholdt’s as he got on a knee before her, resting a hand on her shoulder.
“He was a brave and dedicated warrior…” Bertholdt bit his bottom lip as he continued. “His death wasn’t in vain! I swear to you, he died dedicating his soul to Marley.”
Truthfully that was more for himself than Reiner’s mother. She clutched Reiner’s box to her chest tightly, rocking it side to side.
Since he’d inherited the colossal, he hadn’t given too much thought to their parents all burying them. It was easier to not think about.
Porco crossed his arms, leaning against a wall and staring at the floor with an unreadable expression. The rest of the Galliard family hadn’t come. Why would they? There wasn’t a chance Marcel was back, not when jaws was with Porco now.
Reiner’s mother sobbed, Bertholdt moving to hold her against his chest. She buried her face into Bertholdt’s shoulder, him running his hand up and down along her back. After a few minutes of sobbing, Reiner’s mother managed to compose herself, even if only a little.
Bertholdt reached a hand out and helped her back up, her eyes swollen and red. He bent over and collected the box, handing it back to her when she was ready. “Ms. Braun… if you ever need anything, anything at all, please let me know…”
Bertholdt had become quite the smoker as soon as he readjusted to life back in Marley. He had immediately gone back to work, needing something to distract himself.
He was a god of destruction. Why did Marley act like they needed the founder when he so efficiently crushed enemies? A couple of nations formed an alliance called the Mid-East Allied Forces and tried to take on Marley.
They were swiftly crushed and annexed. It was almost too easy. Killing enemy soldiers was child’s play.
Killing was child’s play. He could do it easy in human form if given a rifle. But why do that when he can snuff out countless lives in an instant?
Did he feel bad? Sometimes, yes. Most of the time, no. The world was a cruel place.
“Do you have any emotions anymore?” Bertholdt glared at Galliard one evening, him taking a drag off his cigarette while he watched the warrior cadets train. “Besides getting pissed.”
Pieck remained silent. Zeke and Eren were off somewhere else. They were making strides in reprogramming Eren. His mind had broken pretty thoroughly after Shinganshina.
“Why does it matter?” Bertholdt said, meeting Galliard’s gaze. “I get the job done.”
“I saw you in that woman’s memories. Ymir, that woman given a name too grand for her. Marcel’s too.” Galliard crossed his arms while he spoke. “Reiner practically turned into Marcel. Guess he had to, it’s not like you and Annie were going to be leaders.”
“What are you saying?” Bertholdt growled. He had thoroughly hardened his heart since Reiner. He was just waiting out his term at this point. He used to want to find something more important than his own life. Only when he killed Reiner did he realize he had it and lost it. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I had Reiner pegged wrong.” Galliard said. “He was decisive and the only one set on seeing the mission through. The weakest warrior was you. How the fuck was being a good shot going to make you a better warrior? You aren’t shooting things inside a titan!”
“Shut up and leave Reiner out of this. He’s dead.” Bertholdt walked over to Galliard, challenging him.
“Because of you!” Galliard spat, Pieck moving herself closer to the two fighting men.
Bertholdt’s eyes widened at that, memories of Reiner’s titan steaming and cauterized limbs in his arms and Karina collapsing filling his head.
Suddenly his hand hurt, Bertholdt noticing Galliard on the ground and steam coming from his nose. He felt Pieck grab his arm and force it down, staring at her.
“Stop this. Now.” Pieck said plainly. She looked down at Galliard. “Pock. You know better than to talk about Reiner like that to Bertholdt. We aren’t supposed to talk about what happened on Paradis anyways.”
“He’s just pissed that I’m right!”
“You are right.” Bertholdt said bluntly, staring down at his fellow warriors. “Reiner is dead because of me. I killed him.”
“Bertl-” Pieck started, Bertholdt cutting her off.
“Don’t call me that. That was his nickname for me,” Pieck nodded, helping Galliard up. “Marley is down a warrior because of me. All I can do is wait until this damned curse kills me too,”
“Bertholdt. Isn’t there anything else you want to live for?” Pieck asked, fidgeting slightly.
“Like what? My dad is dying. My mom’s dead. Reiner’s dead. We’re all dead in a few years. What’s there left to care about?”
Galliard and Pieck were speechless when Bertholdt made his leave, lighting another cigarette as he walked.
Reiner turned into a taboo subject. Such a shame, because the only thing that gave Bertholdt any joy anymore were those pleasant dreams where Reiner was by his side again. True companionship, that sound Reiner made when he chewed bread rolls, his golden hair underneath the glow of a beautiful sunset far away from the internment zone where they got to just be human. That confident laugh, those vulnerable eyes only he ever got to see. Sometimes Annie was there too.
Waking up in the morning and being torn away from Reiner was the worst part of his day. After that he could just harden his heart even more and make it through, rushing to bed every night.
Years passed. Four, to be exact. He became harder every day. He didn’t care about the warrior cadets. He didn’t care about the warriors. He didn’t care about himself.
Hell, he didn’t even care about Reiner anymore. Thinking about him hurt. So why think about him? It was all in the past now anyways.
Maybe the guilt had crushed him like he crushed the 104th cadets. Eren never talked about them anymore.
Zeke had made a case to have Eren retain the founding titan, and surprisingly they had listened. Eren’s titan had proven more than useful in quashing other nations. Eren clung to Zeke’s side a lot. Bertholdt didn’t pay much mind to Eren.
“The armored titan has been reclaimed.” Bertholdt’s eyebrows rose in the meeting with the other warriors, his eyes turning to Magath. “A young child in an internment zone. We annexed the country two years ago. The child is four now. She’ll be fed to Gabi Braun in the coming weeks so we’ll have a warrior with the power of the armored again.”
Ah. A child. How sad. She was probably terrified, having been torn away from her family. If only she knew her death was imminent.
…Actually, it was probably better she didn’t.
Bertholdt found himself almost feeling sad when he left the meeting. Best not to think about it. At least the child wouldn’t have to live in such a terrible world.
“Oh! I’m sorry!” The woman Bertholdt bumped into after he left HQ that day picked up the apples she dropped. Bertholdt nodded and squatted, helping her to gather the apples. “…Bertholdt?”
Bertholdt looked at the woman’s face whenever he finished picking up the apples. Reiner’s mother. Bertholdt swallowed, then nodded and tipped his hat at her.
“Yes, Ms. Braun. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run into you.” Bertholdt gave Karina a smile, then gestured for her to walk with him. “I hope you’ve been doing well.”
“Yes… things have been going well, all things considered.” She paused for a moment, then looked up at Bertholdt. “Gabi’s going to be inheriting the armored titan soon. For one family to have not one warrior, but two… Reiner and Gabi have made us so proud.”
“I’m sure. It’s definitely an honor.” Karina nodded. It was silent for a moment, and Bertholdt noticed that she looked very sad.
“I’m making apple strudels tonight. For Reiner’s birthday.” Bertholdt froze, then thought about it. What was today? …It was the first day of August, wasn’t it? “I’m making his favorite dinner tonight too. You remember how my boy loved his potatoes…”
Bertholdt remembered Reiner guarding his potatoes from Sasha fiercely. He always did love potatoes. Sometimes he traded Bertholdt his bread roll in order to get another one.
“He really did. I remember.” It almost made Bertholdt happy, thinking about that goofy smile on Reiner’s face after he took the first bite of something he’d really wanted. He used to talk about having his mom’s food again when they got back.
Reiner so badly wanted his mother’s apple strudels.
“Bertholdt. There’s always a spot open at our table for you.” Karina made it to her home and stood outside so she could talk to Bertholdt. She reached a hand out and squeezed Bertholdt’s arm. She looked at the ground and shook her head, then looked back at him with misty eyes. “Tonight is a night to remember my boy. Reiner isn’t here to celebrate his birthday… but we like celebrating to remember him. It would mean a lot to us if you could come.”
Bertholdt was silent but nodded, then bid Karina farewell.
Karina stared sadly at the untouched plate in between her and Gabi at the table. Part of her had really, really hoped Bertholdt would’ve come and eaten with them.
Bertholdt sat alone in his home and cried, desperate to do anything but remember his old friend.