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“What do professors even do on a Friday night when there’s no work to be done?” asked Teddy, of no one in particular, pushing away his half-eaten steak and kidney pie at the staff table.
He was seven weeks into his first semester as Hogwarts’ new Transfiguration professor, and for once, he could actually relax on the weekend. He was finally unpacked, had finished marking homework for now, had given all his students until Wednesday to complete assignments, and had his lesson plans devised for the next week. It was an odd feeling, being idle after having been so heavily laden with work from the start. Teddy had no idea what to do with himself.
At twenty-three, he was by far the youngest staff member at the school, and still hadn’t really acquainted himself with his colleagues, not that he could count himself as a contemporary amongst them. He didn’t quite fit. He was closer in age to the seventh year students than he was to the youngest teacher, Luna Scamander, the Care of Magical Creatures professor. As one of the Potters’ dear friends, she was, by default, a friend of Teddy’s. In fact, she was godmother to all three Potter kids, so she was practically family.
Professor Scamander was sitting to Teddy’s left, and to his right was Professor Neville Longbottom – also a close friend of the Potters’. Both teachers answered the question in unison, but each had a very different idea of what the staff did to relax when off duty.
“Get plastered,” said Neville with a small grin.
“Self-reflection,” said Luna, somehow both thoughtful and wistful at the same time.
Neville downed his goblet of pumpkin juice and added, “One often leads to the other.”
Teddy knew this well.
He was surprised that Luna was the one to extend an invitation to go drinking. “Some of us go to the Leaky Cauldron on Friday nights. You’re more than welcome to join us.”
“Drinks on the house,” said Neville cheerily, “Pays to be married to the proprietor.”
There really wasn’t any excuse for Teddy to decline an invitation to fraternize with his colleagues over free drinks in Hogsmeade. Still, he hesitated before accepting. He glanced over at the Gryffindor table, where Jamie was holding court over his usual raucous cohorts. James was a resilient boy, and showed no signs that what had transpired between them last week had affected him in any way.
In contrast, Teddy could still feel the ghosts of Jamie’s kisses for days, every time he stole a clandestine glance at the boy. He could feel the guilt of what he’d done, like fingers tightening around his heart. That fateful night, he had let things get too far, and before he could stop the quickly escalating kiss, the damage had already been done. He had hurt Jamie again, this time utterly shattering his heart with cruel rejection, and Teddy seemed to be suffering for it more than James.
A girl, whose name had escaped Teddy, was hanging on Jamie’s shoulder like an accessory and he seemed to regard her as such. But it still made Teddy’s insides twist with jealousy that he had absolutely no right to feel.
“You know your charges are talking about throwing a party in your absence tonight, Nev,” said Professor Parvati Patil, who was sitting on the other side of Neville. Apparently, Teddy wasn’t the only one watching the Gryffindor table.
Neville sighed. “Bloody hell. Again? I need to have a talk with Jamie Potter. This is getting ridiculous. Does anybody in Gryffindor have any respect for the Head of House anymore?”
“Oh, I think they do, Neville,” said Luna, distantly, “Which is why they behave when you’re here and misbehave when you’re not.”
“You are so lucky you’re head of Ravenclaw,” Neville remarked to Luna, “What does a Friday night Ravenclaw party entail? Solving crossword puzzles?” he teased.
In all seriousness, and somehow also flippant, Luna replied, “No, they drop acid and contemplate the meaning of the universe.”
Teddy nearly spit out the pumpkin juice he had just sipped.
Gazing off into nothing, Luna responded to Teddy’s coughing with an aloof air, “Take it easy there, Teddy Lupin, I was being facetious.”
“Ted, you’re fairly close to Jamie Potter, aren’t you?” Neville asked.
Teddy coughed again, nervously this time, and tried to play it off coolly. “I don’t know if I’d call us close, but yes, I know him.” He underplayed their relationship, just in case. Though nothing had been said immediately after the fact, Teddy still worried that somebody could’ve caught wind that Jamie had been half naked in Teddy’s bed last Wednesday night.
“You ought to talk to him, then. Ask him to refrain from throwing parties every time I pop into Hogsmeade. He needs to set a better example as Head Boy.”
“Oh. Erm, alright. I guess I could do that,” said Teddy, trying not to sound horrified by the idea of reprimanding Jamie, or speaking to him at all in light of what had happened.
“And then come meet us at Leaky. We’re usually there until around eleven,” said Neville.
“I’ll be there,” replied Teddy, with a little resolute nod.
~@~
“Mr. Potter, I need to have a word with you.” Teddy adjusted the Fedora on his head and deepened his voice, as if this would somehow give him more authority over Jamie.
In reality, he knew that nobody really had any sort of authority over James Sirius Potter, this entitled seventeen-year-old who wielded his Head Boy badge like a crown. But Teddy especially had no authority over him, for Jamie had never treated Teddy as anything but an equal since he outgrew the hero worship thing around age fourteen. It was even difficult for Jamie to address him as Professor and he had been speaking the title with dramatic inflections aimed to rile up Teddy since the summer.
This time was no different. Jamie glanced up from the table and regarded Teddy with such a petulant sneer that Teddy wanted to pinch him hard the way he did when Jamie was a bratty little boy. “Now, Professor Lupin?”
Teddy’s forehead furrowed deeply as he insisted, trying to be stern without raising his voice, “Now, Potter. Come with me.”
Teddy didn’t miss the way James rolled his eyes, nor the way his friends raised their brows suspiciously.
One of the girls at the table eyed Teddy lasciviously and purred, twirling a lock of hair around her finger, “I’ll come with you, Professor Lupin, if Jamie won’t go.”
Teddy pursed his lips and walked away without even checking that Jamie was following. It was maddening how little respect some of the students showed him. He hated how his youth and his fair looks earned him so much negative attention, and he wondered if it were not the fault of his adopted family for setting a bad precedent by catcalling him when he was introduced to the entire school at the opening feast.
In the corridor, just outside the entryway of the Great Hall, Jamie and Teddy stood eye to eye. The fact that Jamie was so damn tall didn’t make it any easier for Teddy to regard him as a child – he certainly didn’t think of Jamie as a child when they had kissed and he had writhed sinuously beneath Jamie’s very adult, partially clad body. Teddy pinched the bridge of his nose to force the image of Jamie’s nearly naked form from his mind.
“What do you want, Teddy?” Jamie asked impatiently, “Am I not leaving you alone enough? If I made myself any more scarce around you, I’d cease to exist.”
“Mr. Potter,” Teddy reprimanded shortly. “I’m speaking to you as a professor, and I expect you to treat me as such.” This is probably not what Neville had in mind when he’d asked Teddy to talk to James. He probably thought that their familiarity would afford Teddy a little more pull. But Teddy couldn’t help but talk to James as if they hadn’t grown up together.
“Excuse me, Professor Lupin,” Jamie drawled, and every spiteful syllable slashed at Teddy’s heart. “What can I do for you, sir?” Jamie’s tone was anything but subservient.
“Your Head of House is aware of your plans, and I’m here to advise you to call them off,” said Teddy, stiffly.
Jamie glanced to the side and scoffed. “Huh. Is that so?”
The more James bucked Teddy’s authority, the more firmly Teddy tried to force it upon him, though it felt completely unnatural to be speaking to anybody, much less his god brother, in such a way. “Professor Patil is also on to you, Potter, so you’re not going to get away with throwing a party tonight in the common room. You’d be wise to adhere to the rules, especially as Head Boy, or actions will be taken against you.”
Jamie crossed his arms and straightened his back, fixing Teddy with a challenging glare. Perhaps he imagined it, but it seemed like Jamie was taller than him. “Oh, and what are you going to do about it, Professor?” Then his lips curved into a wicked smirk that made Teddy want to smack him as much as kiss him. “Are you going to bend me over your knee and spank me if I misbehave?” Jamie looked terribly amused – smug, even – at the way that Teddy seemed to squirm at the thought.
Reflexively, Teddy adjusted his hat. Perhaps the pink tips of his fringe could be hidden, but there was no hiding the blush that spread high on his cheeks. He dropped the stern disciplinarian act and spoke without pretense. “Jamie, just cut the shit, okay?” he said with an exasperated huff, “If you know what’s good for you, you wouldn’t throw a fucking party in the dorms tonight. Don’t force Longbottom to have a talk with your dad. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
It did nothing to erase Jamie’s smirk. “You’re aware, more than anyone else, that I never do what’s good for me.” He scraped the corner of his bottom lip with his teeth and practically purred, “Professor.”
That single word and the predatory desire in Jamie’s eyes sent a hot shiver up Teddy’s spine, and had him walking away flustered. As he stormed all the way to his staff quarters, he felt the vestiges of Jamie’s touch scorching lusty pathways across his flushed skin. A cold shower was definitely in order. After a wank, of course, just so he could get Jamie Fucking Sirius Potter out of his system in a burst of hot, pent-up sexual frustration.
Later that night, Teddy drank a lot more than he should have and got plastered, as Neville had indirectly suggested, just to avoid that self-reflection which Luna had recommended. Because Teddy knew what he would find if he took a good look at himself and he didn’t particularly want to see that guy.
~@~
Everything hurt the next morning. Teddy caught the tail end of breakfast to ensure he got some coffee and some greasy eggs to quell his hangover. From the looks of the Gryffindor table, they’d had a late night as well. Jamie looked worse for wear, but not so much hung over as wrung out. He couldn’t be sure, but it appeared that Jamie’s eyes were red – not in the way that one’s eyes are bloodshot after an all-night bender, but puffy and pinkish as if he’d been crying all night. But Teddy knew Jamie, and Jamie didn’t cry.
Being the coward that he is, Teddy tried to slip out of the Great Hall unnoticed, but Jamie caught up to him and cornered him, despite taking a disused corridor to try to thwart a pursuit.
“Where were you last night?” said Jamie, sounding much more like an angry parent than Teddy ever could. “I looked for you.”
“I was out at the Leaky Cauldron with the other professors,” said Teddy, a bit annoyed that he was being interrogated.
“After the Leaky Cauldron. Where were you?” Jamie pierced him with an accusatory glare.
The horrible thing was, Teddy couldn’t quite remember what happened after he and the professors left Hogsmeade. All he knew was that he woke up inexplicably in Parvati’s bed, and neither he nor the Divination professor could recall how they’d got there. But both agreed that the reason was probably best forgotten and never revisited. Teddy wanted to bang his head on the wall. He was like a magnet for inappropriate bedfellows. And now he could count them on two hands, which was two too many.
“I went to bed,” Teddy huffed defensively.
“Whose bed?” Jamie pressed.
It was none of Jamie’s business, but Teddy lied anyway. He’d hurt Jamie enough. He glanced around, as if to ensure that they were indeed alone in the corridor, though he just really didn’t fancy looking Jamie in the eyes when he lied. “My bed.”
Jamie took a deep cleansing breath through his nose, but it seemed to do little to calm him. He muttered through gritted teeth, his anger simmering quietly beneath the surface. “You fucking liar.”
Teddy couldn’t refute without looking like more of an arsehole. Jamie pulled out a scroll of tattered parchment from the back pocket of his trousers, tapped it with his wand, and said, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” It was then that Teddy knew exactly what Jamie had seen on that scroll of parchment last night. He brandished the paper, showing it to him like evidence, though the evidence had long disappeared.
“I saw you,” said Jamie, sounding absolutely wounded, “You fucking hypocritical douchebag. Professor Patil is my dad’s age. She’s, what, twenty years older? You bloody work with her. And you think I’m inappropriate?”
Teddy sighed sadly, “Jamie…” It seemed that no matter what he did, he couldn’t help but hurt Jamie, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. How could he explain what he had done when he couldn’t even understand it himself?
“No, don’t you Jamie me,” he snapped, “What am I to you, huh? Am I just some kid with a crush? A student that’s hot for teacher? Just fucking tell me, because I don’t know. Shit, I don’t know who you are anymore.”
Teddy opened and closed his mouth several times, stuttering, trying to find the words, but he had none. “You’re… I’m…”
“I love you, Teddy,” Jamie declared, with pain ravaging his quiet voice and anguish furrowing his brow, “That’s what I am. I’m not just looking to fuck the hot new professor and carve another notch in my bedpost. You know that’s what Patil is doing, don’t you? Everybody that wants you just wants to fuck you. They don’t love you like I love you. So you think about that the next time you shag my Divination teacher.”
It was that moment that Teddy miraculously caught a reprieve from having to answer for his shitty behavior. Neville turned the corner and acknowledged them both with a tired nod as he approached.
“How very good of you to bring this to my attention, Potter” said Teddy, loudly, just for show. “Had this fallen into the wrong hands, it could’ve been dangerous.” He took the map from Jamie, who narrowed his eyes and dropped his jaw incredulously. “I’ll lock it up in my office for safe keeping until we can return it to its rightful owner.”
Neville glanced at the parchment and smiled with wistful recognition. “The Marauders Map. I didn’t know that thing was still around. I think it belongs to George Weasley.”
“I’ll deliver it to him next time I’m in Hogsmeade,” said Teddy, pocketing the scroll.
“Ah, thank you, Professor Lupin. It’s an important historical artifact. Good thing you turned it in, Jamie,” said Neville.
Jamie put on a proud grin, but Teddy knew he was just masking his outrage. “Of course. The safety of my fellow students is of utmost importance to me.”
Neville smiled. “You’re a good kid.” He patted him firmly on the shoulder. “I will conveniently forget that you and your classmates threw a party in the Gryffindor Common Room last night.” He gave Jamie a little wink. Even Neville let Jamie get away with everything – most people did.
“I assure you, Professor Longbottom, that we adhered to all school rules at said party. It was merely a celebration of Gryffindor pride. Some pre-game cheer before the big match against Slytherin tomorrow.”
“Right,” said Neville with a little knowing grin. “A pep rally of sorts. Well, I hope you and your team mates rest up tonight.”
“Oh we will, sir. Which is why the pep rally was last night and not the night before the match,” said Jamie.
Teddy bit back a wry grin. And they say Slytherin House is the corrupt one.
As soon as Neville was safely out of earshot, Teddy’s grin disappeared. “I’m keeping this,” he said, patting the pocket holding the map. “It’s doing you no good.”
“That’s what it’s for.” Jamie rolled his eyes.
Teddy pursed his lips into a straight line, unamused. “You shouldn’t have it.”
Jamie shrugged flippantly. “Fine. Keep it. Use it well.”
Teddy didn’t miss the dark smirk on Jamie’s face as he turned to walk away.
~@~
Of course, despite his better judgment, Teddy used the map. Jamie hadn’t made it go blank before it was confiscated, and Teddy didn’t know how it was done, so it constantly displayed the whereabouts of everybody in the castle. It had been practically burning a hole in the locked drawer of Teddy’s office desk when he pulled it out a few nights later. And of course, Teddy looked for the set of footprints labeled James S. Potter.
He saw that Jamie was walking up the Astronomy Tower with Catie Finnegan, the arm candy who’d been hanging on Jamie last Friday night. Teddy’s insides felt like they were churning every time he glanced away from grading papers to check the map. Jamie’s and Catie’s footprints remained very close together for the better half of an hour in the stairwell. And when Teddy saw the same set of footprints practically superimposed on one another in an empty, disused classroom a few minutes later, Teddy was ready to throw up.
He became obsessed with checking the map every night. He was distressed to find that Jamie’s footprints showed up, more often than not, alone with the footprints of a different girl each evening. And every day, Jamie grinned at him smugly – he knew exactly what he was doing. Payback was a bitch.
All the revenge sex that Jamie was purportedly having made Teddy absolutely sick with jealousy, and perhaps that’s what was intended. Or perhaps Jamie was sending a clear message that Teddy wasn’t wanted anymore. Whatever the purpose, it was working to make Teddy feel physically ill. Surely, it had been as visible in the green tint of his hair as it was on his face. His Fedora could only hide so much. He couldn’t even glance at Jamie without feeling like he’d been punched in the stomach, because there was always somebody leaning too close to him, gazing at him too affectionately. And every time Teddy looked at him, Jamie was looking right back, unashamed.
“I think a touch of mare’s milk might clear up that sour stomach of yours,” said Luna, quite unsolicited, one Saturday morning at breakfast in the Great Hall. “I’ve some frozen in the cottage. If you’d like, I can thaw it. I like to keep it on-hand for emergencies. The twins used to get colicky as babies and it helped when I supplemented my breast milk with it. It’s good for all stomach ailments.”
Teddy blinked rapidly, unsure of what to do with everything Luna had just said. Had he really looked so sick with envy that it appeared he had some sort of stomach virus? Was Luna really suggesting that he drink milk of a questionable expiration date that came from a horse? Were Lysander and Lorcan actually raised on the stuff? Teddy glanced at the two peculiar blond boys at the Ravenclaw table – it explained a lot.
“Erm, I think I’ll pass,” said Teddy. “But thank you.”
“Suit yourself, Teddy Lupin,” she said with a small shrug, “Healer Saito stocks some stomach remedies in the hospital wing if traditional medicine is not your thing. And of course there’s always a good cup of ginger tea.”
“I really appreciate it, Luna, but honestly, I’ll be fine,” Teddy insisted politely.
“Also, I find that purging one’s soul often relieves the inclination to purge one’s stomach. You might consider confessional journaling. Or visiting a muggle church – they have little booths for anonymous soul purging and they serve you wine and crackers.”
“Actually, I think I might do that. Talk to somebody, I mean,” said Teddy. And before Luna could offer her dirigible plum-adorned ear, he dashed from the staff table and out of the Great Hall, nearly tripping over a group of first-years on the way to the Headmistress’ office.
Headmaster Oglvie was still not fully recovered from surgery and thus his less-than-approachable wife was still serving as Interim Headmistress. It took a lot of awkward explaining to get her to leave the office so that Teddy could converse with a certain portrait in private.
“I was wondering when you’d pay me a visit,” said Minerva McGonagall, standing primly in her resplendent green robes within the confines of a gilded frame, “and by the looks of it, not a moment too soon.” She narrowed her eyes with concern.
“I’ve been rather busy trying to live up to your legacy,” Teddy said graciously with a tiny bow of his head.
She scoffed amusedly, “You needn’t try to flatter me, Teddy. You already have the job.”
Teddy admitted, “I’m doing my best to keep it, but I wonder if my best is not good enough.”
“And are you here for my assessment?” she asked, “Because I’ve yet to see you in action.”
Teddy cleared his throat nervously. “Actually, I’m here for your personal advice. Though I welcome any professional advice you’re willing to give me.”
“Personal advice, hm?” McGonagall knowingly quirked a brow above her spectacles. “May I assume it has to do with that sickly greyish green color in your hair?”
Teddy smiled softly. “Your perceptions are absolutely accurate, as always.”
“Well, without even needing to hear what ails you, I can offer you this bit of both professional and personal advice: You will hardly ruin any child’s life by being less than an effective teacher. Transfiguration, as practical as it may be, is in essence an art form – not a life skill required for survival. If a child cannot master changing a teacup into a mouse, she will not suffer for it when she grows up. Don’t tell her that, but keep it in mind any time you doubt yourself. You will find that your stress levels will greatly decrease.”
It was such simple advice, yet so perfect, and exactly what Teddy needed to hear. “That’s…actually brilliant advice. Thank you,” he said, smiling with such relief that some of the grey disappeared from his hair.
“I know it is, and you’re welcome,” she nodded graciously. “You look much better already.”
Teddy grinned, a little bashfully. “Well, I feel much better.”
“Now, what shall we do about the green?” McGonagall tapped a finger upon her chin thoughtfully as she regarded Teddy.
“Professor Scamander suggested I take mare’s milk,” he said with a small chuckle.
“Well, it is effective as a stomach antacid. But as a cure for jealousy, it is quite useless,” said the former Headmistress with a nearly imperceptible smile.
“How did you…?”
“How did I know?” McGonagall cut in, “It doesn’t take a genius, Teddy. Green is the color of envy.”
“Is there even a remedy for that?” asked Teddy with a hopeless sigh.
“There’s never an easy fix for the worst of our demons. And envy takes a shift in perspective to eradicate. The grass is always greener on the other side. We always want what other people have.”
Teddy mulled it over in his head, nodding slowly. It made perfect sense, but did nothing to alleviate the jealousy that had been constantly poking at his insides. “So how do I stop wanting what other people have?”
“Well, you can do one of two things – you can learn to appreciate what you do have, or you could fight for what you want. It’s the difference between being content and being ambitious. Judging by the fact that you hold a doctorate degree at the age of twenty-three, I’d say you’re the latter.”
“Isn’t it wrong, though? Isn’t taking what you want being selfish?” Teddy asked.
“Would you say ambition is wrong?” McGonagall proposed philosophically, “Is it wrong to strive for more? Would you call everyone in Slytherin house wrong for being ambitious? Should you be considered wrong for earning a Ph.D rather than being content with a Hogwarts education? Painting the issue with the brush of morality only creates conflict, which serves no one. If you want to get rid of that envious green in your hair, come to terms with who you are – there is no right or wrong way to be as long as you are true to yourself.”
Teddy was rather relieved that McGonagall was wise and astute enough to save him from the embarrassment of sharing the gritty details of his moral dilema. He hadn’t even known how he would have explained it to her, had he needed to.
He took a long walk to do a bit of self-reflection in absence of alcohol and found himself by the Black Lake. On such a chilly autumn morning, he didn’t expect to find anyone else there. But up ahead along the stony banks, he could see two figures walking together. Upon closer inspection, but still at an unobtrusive distance, he recognized them as Albie and his boyfriend Scorpius. Rather than making himself known and greeting his god brother, Teddy hung back and observed the couple curiously.
For as long as they had known each other, Albie and Scorpius had been inseparable. They were the most perfect couple Teddy had ever met. He watched the two walking hand-in-hand, leaning close to share words unheard by anyone else but the wind. When they kissed, pressing their smiles together, there was no greater example of love – each seemed to radiate with light and warmth and joy, and nothing else seemed to matter to them. Teddy began to feel that terrible ache of longing and envy in his stomach again.
He saw in Albus and Scorpius what he truly wanted. He didn’t want to be content with what he had, which was a handful of unrequited desires. He wanted to love, and to be loved in return, so all-consuming and completely as the pair before him seemed to love one another.
Love was just barely beyond his reach, just beyond what he allowed himself to feel. Instead of fighting the tide, he listened to what his heart had been screaming all along, regardless of if being perceived as wrong. As he closed his eyes and pulled his warm scarf tighter around himself, he remembered the perfection of Jamie’s kiss, and recalled what it was like to be awash in love – how right it felt.
And green gave way to brilliant purple.