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“hyunjin?”
“hm?”
“do...” there's a short pause between the words, “do you love me?”
hyunjin blinks once, twice. “what?” he resists
the urge to laugh. is this boy for real? “of course i do, jisung. what kind of question is that?”
hyunjin's reply is almost automatic. it's a bit, okay maybe more than a bit, foolish of him to say it like it's nothing. he doesn't even know if jisung meant it in the same way he does. thank god jisung probably doesn't notice how swift hyunjin's answer was.
his cheeks are now tinted with a light shade of crimson. hyunjin is even more thankful for jisung's focus being somewhere else.
...and jisung is silent. hyunjin knows way too well that the other is searching for the right words in his mind. that's what he does a lot - unnecessarily overthink things, even the ones that have something to do with the people he trusts the most.
but hyunjin waits. and waits. and waits longer. because that's what he does a lot - he waits for jisung and he's there with him when jisung feels like he can't catch up.
hyunjin looks over at the boy. his frame seems so small while he's sitting beside him, hugging his knees with both his arms and his chin resting in between. small, fragile jisung. moonlight shines on his pretty face as he stares into the nothing in front of him.
jisung shifts a little, so their shoulders are touching. hyunjin doesn't fight it. instead, internally, he fights the urge to reach for jisung's hand. oh, how he wishes he could comfort him better. though he will most likely get the chance soon enough.
“but i... aren't i undeserving of love?” jisung whispers, barely audible.
“what even makes you think that?” hyunjin asks, genuinely confused and concerned. why would jisung think something like that? he shouldn't, not when he's han jisung.
to be honest, hyunjin knows jisung has a problem with his self confidence. jisung has a lot of problems with himself in general, but that's a topic for another day.
hyunjin wouldn't guess that jisung thinks he doesn't deserve to be loved though. he would've never thought that jisung thinks that low of himself.
hyunjin's chest hurts while he's in his thoughts. jisung deserves all the love in the world and more, so much more.
“i'm so... imperfect. i'm a burden. a handful. i don't deserve...” jisung closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, “i don't deserve chan, minho, felix or others... i don't deserve you, hyunjin.”
jisung stutters out his words so seriously that hyunjin is caught off guard. he takes maybe too long to process the information. if jisung minds it, he doesn't address it.
“oh my, jisung, what are you saying?” hyunjin shakes his head at last, raising his hand just to touch the nape of jisung's neck, “you deserve everything great that comes to you.” the tone in his own voice sounds so unfamiliar to hyunjin. it's too gentle, too caring, too sure of the words that leave his mouth.
jisung finally lets his gaze travel towards hyunjin, his round glasses almost falling off of his face in the process. lazily, he pushes them back up with his index finger. he looks tired, hyunjin notes, tired of everything life brings unto him.
jisung's wide, beautiful eyes stay on hyunjin for what feels only like a second, though it's probably been much longer. hyunjin doesn't feel like keeping track of time. time flies differently when he's with jisung, anyway.
“are you saying that only to make me feel better or do you really mean it?” jisung asks, doubtful and sheepish.
“i mean it, jisungie. you're so special. you deserve all the good things.”
“me... am i special?” the suprise is so clear in jisung's voice. hyunjin has to keep himself from frowning at that.
“yes.” he should stop replying so fast. hyunjin is starting to creep himself out.
“am...” jisung hesitates, “am i special to you?”
is jisung special to him? well, of course. he's been special to hyunjin ever since he first saw jisung's face. in fact, hyunjin doesn't recall there's ever been someone in his life that he considered to be as special as jisung to him.
“you are.”
jisung is special to hyunjin. he's the most special person hyunjin has ever had in his entire life. jisung has seen him at his worst and his best simultaneously, jisung is always there for hyunjin when no one else is, jisung pays extra attention to hyunjin when he talks or does anything, jisung... jisung is so so special to hyunjin.
poor, adorable jisung has no idea how much he means to hyunjin.
hyunjin could wander in his mind more and think about what he feels when he thinks of jisung, but right now he shouldn't overthink it. the real deal is right beside him. he should focus more on helping him.
jisung surprisingly speaks up before hyunjin gets the chance to though.
“why?”
jisung, that pretty idiot, he's asking way too many questions tonight. hyunjin can't exactly blame him, even if he would like to.
a sigh escapes hyunjin's lips but then he positions himself, so he's farther away from jisung, leaving more space to do what he feels is needed. he opens his arms and legs as if to make a perfect spot for jisung to come to.
“come here. i'll tell you.” a gentle smile finds a way to his face. hyunjin doesn't get where his own boldness comes from but it's not as if he's about to complain about it. maybe the moon is by his side tonight.
jisung's eyes tell something which hyunjin, for the first time in a long while, isn't able to read. after a short moment though, a smile similar to the one hyunjin wore appears on jisung's face. hyunjin bets that his one looked much less tired.
jisung sinks into hyunjin, lying down onto his chest. he doesn't forget to take off his big round glasses and put them on the nearby desk. his orange hair is a mess. there's even a hidden wilted daisy that felix - if hyunjin recalls it rightly - put in jisung's hair when they were all out this afternoon.
(“do i at least look cute, lix?”
“i don't know, ask hyunjinnie.”
“...do i look cute, hyunjin?”
“yeah, now shut up and watch where you're going.”)
hyunjin silently, as gently as he can, as if not to disturb jisung, pulls the poor dead flower away from the fluffy mess on his head and throws it somewhere on the floor. they'll find it in the morning. hopefully.
after he's done with that, his arms end up immediately around jisung, to bring the younger more comfort and sense of safety. at least hyunjin hopes it has that kind of effect, he can't read jisung that well anyways.
his worries are washed away when jisung lightly, carefully puts his own hands on top of hyunjin's and shifts a little to make himself more comfortable in hyunjin's hold. the corners of hyunjin's lips turn up again.
“tell me, hyunjinnie. pretty please.” jisung says his quiet plea, his thumbs brushing over hyunjin's hands in the meantime. it's almost as if he feels like he owes something to hyunjin for what he's doing for him so he tries to offer some comfort to hyunjin as well.
even though hyunjin feels like jisung doesn't owe him a single thing.
jisung, the sweetheart that he is. thinking about others when he's supposed to focus on himself. hyunjin is secretly afraid that aspect of his personality is going to destroy jisung one day.
but not now and not anytime soon, not when he's there, cuddled up in hyunjin's arms, resting on his chest, while he waits for the kind words to come. not when hyunjin or anyone other jisung (probably) considers important is with him. not when hyunjin will do anything to defeat jisung's demons and stop the younger from destroying himself.
hyunjin stares at jisung's hair and absentmindedly starts running his fingers through it. that keeps jisung with only one hand to entertain himself with. he doesn't seem to mind. he just moves on to playing with hyunjin's fingers.
“where would you like me to start?” hyunjin asks, tone of his voice quiet and soft.
“you have that many things to say?” jisung asks back, again, sounding way too surprised.
hyunjin never said that but he may as well roll with it, because when he contemplates it, he finds out that there is actually a lot he wants to tell jisung. he's just not sure if he'll allow himself to say everything.
“i think so, yeah.”
jisung stiffens, but only for a second before he chooses to relax again. “then... then start wherever you want to.” he says, all shy, embarrassed even.
hyunjin takes a glance towards the moon, his friend, who shines through the window into the room as if to encourage whatever he's about to do.
tell him, hyunjin. tell him what you think.
i will... i will try to, moon. please continue to believe in me.
“okay, well...” hyunjin is certainly more nervous than he thought he'd be. he tries to find comfort in the softness of jisung's fiery locks. how can his hair be so soft when he dyes it so often? a miracle. a... miracle...
“your existence,” hyunjin blurts out before he can stop himself, “is a miracle. you feel like a miracle, jisungie.” he's off to a horrible start, isn't he?
“a... miracle?” jisung repeats the words and the way he does it is awfully cute. maybe it isn't such a horrible start after all.
hyunjin nods, but then realizes jisung can't see it. “yeah. everything about you... it's like magic.” hyunjin says, eyes moving to jisung who glances up at him from the place on his chest.
“your eyes are so pretty,” hyunjin notes the first thing in his mind as they stare at each other, “i've never met anyone whose eyes tell so much.” they tell so much about both jisung's inner conflicts and winnings, that's why hyunjin decided to say that.
now, it's like jisung holds all the stars from the night sky in his eyes. hyunjin can't bring himself to look away, even if that disrupts his focus a little. a lot, actually.
“don't get me started on your face.” hyunjin sighs, almost happily. gosh, staring at jisung like this is really taking its toll on him. “your face is so beautiful. your lips are literally the perfect shape and they're so nicely pink. your nose is so cute and boopable. and your cheeks? your cheeks are the best. they're so squishy and soft.” he can't help the blush that finds its way to his face when he mentions jisung's lips.
this is weird, but endearing at the same time. there's a small smile on jisung's face before he looks away and hyunjin feels like he can think more clearly again.
he doesn't know how, even if his mind was cloudy for a moment, he still managed to say something that (kind of) made sense and made jisung smile.
hyunjin wonders where he got the courage to compliment jisung so straightforwardly like that. it was a good idea, yes, but sometimes he's bad with words and if today was the day, then it wouldn't be really fortunate.
is the moon actually supporting him? he hopes she is. moon is kind and caring, she believes in the people who believe in her.
“your smile is very pretty. and your laugh is sometimes a little annoying, but amazing nonetheless. it instantly fills the whole room with happiness. your voice, too, is awesome and almost like honey. not only when you're singing or rapping, but when you're normally talking as well.”
hyunjin regrets the annoying bit a little. he shouldn't have said that. what if he hurt jisung with it? he just hopes the rest of what he told him compensates for that.
“...and your hair is so lovely.” hyunjin continues, reminding himself that he, indeed, likes jisung's hair a lot. momentarily, he closes his eyes and then leans down a bit to give jisung a small kiss into his hair. it smells of coconuts, summer beaches and hope. “i love how soft and fluffy it is. and i love every color you dye it. i love how you make it look good even if it's a mess.”
isn't hyunjin saying too much? maybe, yeah. but if it's for jisung, then perhaps this one time it's worth it. he's also too bold, but whatever, he probably has nothing to lose by now.
“oh, stop it, hyunjin,” jisung says suddenly with a giggle that makes hyunjin's heart skip a beat, “you're gonna make me blush.”
that's one of the points. he's not about to let jisung know that though.
a smile that jisung won't see forms on hyunjin's face. “you can blush as much as you desire. i can't see your face anyway.” but i wouldn't mind seeing you blush.
“just continue with your sweet talk, idiot...” jisung mumbles into hyunjin's shirt, yet again, embarrassed. the smile on hyunjin's face widens.
“alright, alright,” hyunjin chuckles quietly, “you're so adorable as a whole. everything about your looks is so pretty. your frame, your skin, your face, your hair, your... your body. i've never met anyone who's more beautiful than you, sungie.” he says, and maybe his opinion is biased, but hyunjin stands by his words. he likes how nicely that nickname for jisung rolls off of his tongue. he always has.
“really...?”
“really.” hyunjin breathes out.
jisung doesn't reply with words but he intertwines their fingers and holds hyunjin's hand tightly, comfortingly, and that's all it takes to make hyunjin happy.
you're doing well, my friend. the moon tells him and that alone makes hyunjin even more joyous.
thank you. i can do this also thanks to your support.
of course. i believe in you.
the moon believes in him, yet again. he can do this. he can make jisung feel loved, appreciated, perfect. jisung is perfect.
“you're the kindest person alive. you talk so nicely to others and treat other people very kindly. also, the way you're always trying to help others? admirable and incredible. but you should take more care of yourself sometimes.” hyunjin continues with his "sweet talk", not forgetting to add a little reminder for jisung in there.
“kindest... person a-alive?”
“that's you.”
“i... i am not-”
“shh, you're not in the place to complain here,” hyunjin quickly tries to shush the younger.
“but, hyunjin-” jisung turns to face him and even though it's a little dark, hyunjin swears he sees tears in jisung's eyes.
hyunjin hesitantly, but still somehow quickly, puts a finger on jisung's lips. “i said shh. you're the kindest and sweetest person ever. no objections.”
jisung, teary eyed, fragile jisung, stares at hyunjin, his bottom lip trembling slightly like one of a child's. “h...hyunjinnie...” he says, voice all shaky and yet again, ashamed, embarrassed. he nearly bites hyunjin's finger in the process.
what's wrong? why is jisung so conflicted from that statement? hyunjin was just saying what he believes is true. besides, he was planning on saying much more about jisung's personality. what he said earlier was basically nothing.
“what's wrong, sungie..?” hyunjin asks, a little confused, moving his hand from jisung's hair to his cheek, gently running his thumb over it.
jisung momentarily lets go of hyunjin's hand to wipe at his eyes. he blinks a few times before finally looking at hyunjin again, returning his hand to hyunjin's. “i... i don't know... i'm sorry for overreacting. i guess i don't think of myself as that much of a kind person? if even a kind person at all.” jisung replies, turning his gaze away.
huh?
how can someone like han jisung even think of himself as a nasty person? sure, jisung has his flaws that people wouldn't consider really kind and he has a bit of mood swings and acts mostly on anger impulses, but that doesn't make him any less kind or sweet.
hyunjin shakes his head, changing the position of his hand. he gently lifts jisung's chin up with two of his fingers, so they're facing each other.
jisung looks surprised and for a while, he refuses to glance into hyunjin's eyes. hyunjin waits and waits and waits a little longer. he's patient. he is going to wait for jisung to look at him.
then it happens, jisung acknowledges that hyunjin just wants him to look him in the eyes.
and hyunjin tries to put on a smile, the comforting kind. “jisungie,” he starts and tilts his head to the side slightly, “just because anger sometimes gets the best of you doesn't mean you're not a kind person as a whole. and before you ask, being in a bad mood also doesn't make you not nice out of nowhere... we all go through it sometimes.”
after he says that, hyunjin remembers jeongin's really bad mood last week. he was so bummed out, he refused to talk to people and when someone got him to talk, he wasn't exactly... nice. but that didn't make him a bad person who isn't normally kind on daily basis.
hyunjin expects to hear jisung say something against his statement but nothing comes. he stares at hyunjin as if he's holding secrets of the universe in his eyes. hyunjin can't blame him - he often finds himself looking at jisung the same way. he already did it today. though he likes looking for the stars more than he likes looking for the secrets of the universe.
“i think i'm a little overwhelmed,” jisung chuckles, glancing away, “can we... continue this tomorrow? but only if you don't mind, i wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable with me wanting you to tell me nice stuff-”
“sungie.”
“...yeah?”
“i don't mind it at all. i volunteered to do this myself, remember? i want you to realize how special you are. to me, our friends and even random strangers you pass by everyday.”
mostly to me. i love you so much. you're so special. i'd do anything for you.
hyunjin is going to respect jisung's decision to leave it for another day. it's pretty late anyways. he just hopes he'll have as much courage as he did today to tell jisung what he truly thinks. he didn't even get to say much today.
but that's okay. they can take it step by step, slowly, until jisung accepts that he can allow himself to think of himself less badly.
jisung gives him a smile and giggles adorably for the second time that evening. hyunjin can't help it - and giggles himself. he moves his hand away from jisung's face.
silence overtakes them. jisung keeps his face in a position that allows him to look at hyunjin whenever he pleases. hyunjin is not complaining. jisung also continues where he left off previously and plays with hyunjin's hand again even while holding it.
the silence is not uncomfortable at all. it gives hyunjin some time to think. about their friend group, about jisung, about the past and the future, about the moon, about the universe and about the hope scent of jisung's hair.
just when hyunjin feels his eyelids get heavier, he's interrupted from his quiet thinking half asleep state.
“hyunjinnie?”
“yes?” again, he's scared by the swiftness of his response.
“do you love me or like... love love me?” jisung questions, sounding genuinely curious and somehow energetic.
oh god, he asked him a similar question at the start of this whole convo. guess he actually noticed hyunjin's response.
was he thinking about that the whole time they were silent? most probably, yes. does hyunjin know how to respond to that? absolutely not.
“what's that even supposed to mean?” hyunjin asks back instead of answering properly, raising an eyebrow. as if half of his courage has left, he's now a little afraid to look at jisung.
“you know, like,” if both jisung's hands were free, he would be vaguely gesturing with them, but now he's just awkwardly flailing his one hand around, “love as in 'i love my friends and family' or love love as in... you know...”
it seems like jisung managed to steal some of hyunjin's previous boldness. just before a moment jisung was sad, but eager. now, he's curious. and nervous? well, okay, he was nervous before, too. but that wasn't even a part of hyunjin's bold state.
“as in what?” hyunjin teases while he smirks a little. he wants to hear jisung explain. maybe then he'll decide to reply honestly.
he ignores his burning cheeks.
“oh my god, hyunjin, don't do this to me!” jisung almost whines as he smacks hyunjin in the thigh with almost no force.
hyunjin yelps, but lets out a laugh right afterwards. “you mean as in the 'you're the most special to me, i cherish you more than anyone else and want to kiss your stupid face' way?” he offers instead, staring at jisung the whole time.
for the nth time that night, jisung's eyes find their way to hyunjin's face. he seems surprised. “that was a little oddly specific.” jisung remarks.
“so what?”
“n.. nothing..” he mumbles, “and yeah, that's the way i meant it. i guess.”
hyunjin smiles wider than he should. even though jisung sounded uncertain, hyunjin knows he said it that way only because he's embarrassed.
“oh, sungie...” hyunjin sighs, letting jisung's hand go, only to place both of his hands on jisung's cheeks, “you're more special to me than anyone else. i cherish you so much.”
jisung mirrors the smile on hyunjin's face. “does that mean-”
before jisung can finish his sentence, hyunjin leans in and places his lips on jisung's gently, carefully, as if any more force would break him.
this moment was made possible by the moon and the whole universe, it was made to be soft and gentle and full of hyunjin's random courage outbursts and jisung's inner doubts and conflicts.
jisung takes a second to process what's happening but when he gets it, he kisses him back in a way hyunjin always imagined. he too is nothing but careful and caring. he puts his arms around hyunjin's neck to pull him closer and hyunjin smiles more into the kiss.
it's just their lips and nothing else. no unnecessary roughness. hyunjin loves the warmth of jisung's arms behind his neck and he loves the warmth of jisung's face in his own two hands and he loves how perfectly jisung's lips fit with his.
it's short, but it's everything hyunjin ever wished for. when they pull apart, they're still very close. their foreheads are touching and jisung's breath fawns over hyunjin's face.
“that means i also want to kiss your stupid face.” hyunjin whispers, one of his hands moving away from jisung's face. hyunjin's arm wraps around his waist instead.
jisung's eyes sparkle. “so you love love me?”
“i love love you.”
“really?”
“really.”
“i... i'm in love love with you, too.” jisung tells him, looking so, so adorable and pretty. “but, still i-”
“jisung, if you're gonna tell me you don't deserve love again, i'm going to talk about how perfect and deserving of love you are for the whole day tomorrow.” hyunjin "threatens" him, not really meaning it seriously but if the circumstances will call for it, he will happily obey.
hyunjin tries to ignore the way his heart is beating. he's surprisingly calm, considering the fact that jisung returns his feelings of love (love). he's surprising himself more and more every second of this damn night.
jisung gets his face away from hyunjin's only to lie his head back onto his chest. just then the burning in hyunjin's cheeks tones down a little. “and if i don't accept it tomorrow?”
“then i'm going to remind you how important, beautiful and loveable you are every single day.” hyunjin says, sweet, almost sickeningly sweet. only almost.
hyunjin gives jisung a kiss into his hair. then another. and another, another, another until he loses count and pulls away at last. and he does it for no reason, really.
“you're too sweet, hyunjinnie.” jisung sighs, intertwining their fingers yet again. hyunjin is glad he did so.
“it's what you deserve,” hyunjin yawns after he says that, “but now it's time to sleep. we have to get up early tomorrow.”
“isn't it saturday tomorrow?” jisung asks, confused.
“yeah, but chan and felix wanted to drag us all on an all day trip, remember?”
jisung groans quietly. “oh, right.”
“so...” hyunjin wants to say something but he sort of loses his trail of thought mid sentence. truly fortunate.
“so, can we continue this tomorrow as well? along with your horrible sweet talk?” jisung says instead, a little worried.
“continue what?” it's now hyunjin's turn to sound confused. he ignores the remark about his "sweet talk". he knows that jisung seriously appreciates it.
“this whole...” jisung trails off for a second before speaking up again, “love love thing?”
hyunjin laughs softly. “of course, sungie. i thought that was kind of obvious. i won't stop... loving you from day to day.”
did jisung really think that after they both confessed their feelings for themselves, they won't continue loving each other? ridiculous. but so like han jisung.
hyunjin is suprised about the word love rolling off his tongue so easily. it's an unknown, but nice feeling. jisung is really doing something to his mind. and heart. and body.
“okay.” hyunjin can basically hear the smile in jisung's voice. “can i get a good night kiss then?” he asks, turning to hyunjin with a sort of excited expression on his face.
hyunjin playfully rolls his eyes, but a grin spreads on his face. “sure.”
he brushes some of the hair on jisung's forehead away, then kisses it lightly as if not to linger there for long. then, hyunjin places a kiss to jisung's left cheek, then his right one. at last, he gives him a quick a peck on the lips.
remember when he was thinking about his cheeks not feeling hot anymore? well, god, they are burning again. thank god jisung can't see it. if he does, he doesn't point it out.
“let's go to sleep.” hyunjin says, gently moving one of jisung's arms that was still placed around hyunjin's neck, “you won't be comfortable like this.” he adds when jisung looks at him with a pout on his face.
hyunjin wraps his arm around him, like he did when they were in their original position, when this whole weird convo started. not like hyunjin is about to complain about it.
“um... i would really like to thank you before we go to sleep... so thank you so much, hyunjinnie. thank you for everything, seriously.” jisung mutters like half of that, but hyunjin hears the sincerity the words are meant to come with.
“no problem. now, go into the dreamland.”
you did it, friend. i'm truly proud of you. the moon tells him and hyunjin is so so happy it shouldn't even be possible.
“okay,” jisung says, squeezing hyunjin's hand, as if he wants reassurance that he's still there, “good night, sweetheart.”
it's probably the drowsiness that speaks for jisung, but it still makes hyunjin's heart beat like crazy. he's going to tease jisung about it in the morning. (“you confessed your love love to me and then proceeded to call me a sweetheart the same night! you pretty fool! you beautiful clown!”) he nearly snickers at the thought.
“sweet dreams, jisungie.” hyunjin replies instead, smiling to himself as he closes his eyes in satisfaction. he remembers to squeeze jisung's hand back.
“love you.”
“like love or love love?”
“are you teasing me?” jisung questions sleepily, not even having the energy to threaten hyunjin with his voice. he's still a little too loud though.
“shh, sorry. i know how you mean it.” hyunjin tells the other, not sure if he should say anything else.
he feels like he already said a lot today, maybe too much words for one night. but it gained him a love (love) confession from jisung and a chance to love jisung more and more everyday.
this night has been nothing but ridiculous. but hyunjin doesn't mind it. sometimes you need a nice little shakeup of life overnight.
...god, hyunjin is so in love with jisung.
“love you too.”
love you too, darling, honey, dear, sweety, babe... sweetheart. love you too, jisungie, sweetheart.